Back To The Shoe-ture

The Back to the Future movies were awesome. And who doesn't like Michael J Fox? It was that second Back to the Future movie that had all of the cool stuff that we've been waiting for that has never materialized. (I'm talking hoverboards!) Well, until now. The Michael J Fox Foundation, eBay and Nike have all teamed up to sell those cool Nike sneakers that Marty McFly wore in Back to the Future II. The ones that lace up automatically! They're auctioning off 150 pairs of these shoes (one pair a day on eBay) per day until September 18. All of the money goes to help try to find a cure for Parkinson's. And the co-founder of the Google, Sergey Brin, will be matching all bids/donations up to a total of $50 million. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you're going to be able to afford any of these shoes. The bids start at $1,000. And from what I can tell from completed auctions, the average price per pair seems to be between $4,000 and $5,000. But it's still a good cause. (And unlike pasting some ambiguous status update on Facebook to give a false sense of raising awareness about something, this actually does raise awareness.) And again, who doesn't like Michael J Fox?

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I Am Unaware Of Your Status Meaning

Once again, the Facebook has angered me. And it has done so in the exact same way that it has angered me in the past. I don't understand how there can be a Facebook "trend" (or whatever you want to call it) that is supposed to "raise awareness", but at the same time with the goal of keeping certain people in the dark. That's right. It's time for the "breast-cancer-awareness-status-update-that-only-women-know-about." Idiots.

I knew something was up when one of my FB friends (someone who I knew in high school) posted her status as "3 weeks and craving bubble gum". OK, now while it wouldn't be totally impossible for this chick to be preggers, it would be a bit unusual. I was also unaware that someone could know that they were three weeks pregnant. Then again, I've never been pregnant (thank God), so maybe there have been developments. But I realized that something was up when I saw another one of my FB friends (again, someone from high school) post her status as "18 weeks and craving lollipops!" Again, would not be totally impossible for this chick to be knocked up (but in a "good" way), but two people of the same non-traditional child bearing age posting a similar status within days of each other? Yeah, this wasn't pregnancy. This was stupidity.

I got on the Google and did a little looking around. Turns out, this is just another one of those status updates that only women are supposed to be posting and the men are supposed to just be completely boggled about. Can I just start by saying that I am so completely over this division between men and women where the women end up being the superior being and the men are just these clueless, blundering idiots? This trend seems to have started on American TV sitcoms and worked its way into the general thinking of the American public. (Maybe you people in other countries treat your men like dumbasses also. I don't know. But what I do know is that it goes on here far more than I'm comfortable with.)

Here's how it works: The part of your status with the number of weeks is supposed to represent the month that you were born. Now wait! Before you go getting all know-it-all on me and thinking that you know which numbers represent the month that you were born in, think again! The chart goes like this:

Jan - 1 week
Feb - 2 weeks
March- 3 weeks
April- 4 weeks
May - 6 weeks
June- 8 weeks
July- 10 weeks
August- 12 weeks
September-13 weeks
October -14 weeks
November-16 weeks
December -18 weeks

That's right. It starts off just fine and then becomes ridiculous. What happened to all of the odd numbers after the 3? I don't know either. And if you're wondering what this has to do with breast cancer or breast cancer awareness, keep wondering. It clearly has nothing to do with it. (Oh, and if you're wondering why the men are supposed to be clueless about what all of this means, keep wondering about that as well. No idea. And there's no rationale given anywhere.)

Then comes the next part; the part about what you're "craving". That item is represented by the date that you were born. Here's the asinine chart for that (and if you think that you're going to know what all of these things are, you would be wrong):

Skittles -1
Starburst -2
Kit Kat -3
M&M's - 4
Galaxy -5
Crunchie -6
Dairy Milk - 7
Lollipop - 8
Randoms -9
Malteasers-10
Twirl -11
Kinda Bueno-12
Boost-13
Dime- 14
Lion -15
Wispa - 16
Fudge-17
Freddo - 18
Milkyway -19
Milky bar -20
Creme egg - 21
Skittles - 22
Fruitellas - 23
Haribo -24
Fruit pastels - 25
Starburst -26
Mini eggs -27
Kit kat chunkie -28
Wines gums -29
Smarties - 30
Snickers -31

Congratulations if you know what some of these things are. Bonus points if you realize that "Chunky" (for 28) is spelled wrong. Also, if you wondered why they put "Wines gums" instead of "winegum" or the more realistic (and something that people have actually heard of) "Swedish Fish", then you and I are on the same page (provided that you realized this after looking up what in the hell "Wines gums" were in the first place). Also, it's KINDER Bueno, you dumbasses. (And while I've never heard of it, it does look fairly delicious. Good thing I wasn't going around looking for a Kinda Bueno or I never would have found one.)

HOW does this raise awareness about breast cancer? It doesn't! It's just one more thing that people do so that they can feel good about doing "something" when in reality, they aren't doing anything. You want to raise awareness about breast cancer? How about you post a status that says "It's breast cancer awareness month. Please be aware of breasts." or something like that? And if you REALLY want to raise awareness, what say you raise awareness of women AND men? Aside from the fact that men can get breast cancer as well, it's not like breast cancer has nothing to do with men. Do these dip s***s think that if a guy's wife/mother/sister/aunt/cousin/daughter/grandmother gets breast cancer that it has nothing to do with the guy? That the guy is totally unaffected? What the hell is THAT all about?

Man, this chaps my ass. Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't think so. And just to be clear, I'm not "offended" by this. I'm annoyed by it. Again, it does nothing, but the people who are doing nothing have convinced themselves that they are doing something. And regardless as to what they think they are doing, nothing would ever get done if everything were tackled in this fashion. If you want to raise awareness about breast cancer, what say you just talk about it to women and men. Nothing raises my awareness about something faster than having someone talk to me about it. Shocking, I know.

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Too Many Causes, Not Enough Ribbons

Awareness ribbons. The different colored ribbons that are supposed to stand for a specific cause? The ribbons that have sort of bowed out and given way to the little rubber wristbands of various colors which are supposed to serve the same purpose? Yeah, those. When you have a limited amount of real colors and a seemingly unlimited amount of real or imagined causes, you're going to run into problems. You're going to have to have one color stand for more than one cause. And really, what's the point in that? How many separate things are people expected to remember and associate with one specific thing? ONE! TWO at the most! More than that? Well, you're going to experience the inevitable awkwardness when you see someone wearing a particular colored ribbon and you strike up conversation. "Oh, I see you're wearing a 'Support Nuclear Energy' ribbon there. No? Um, "Aging Country Rock Stars for Peace?" No? "Long Live the Queen?" How can we keep track?!!?

There doesn't seem to be a Grand Poobah who is in charge of what causes get what color or, more importantly, which causes are actually causes. I mean, come on, a burgundy ribbon stands for:

• Hospice care, multiple myeloma, cesarean sections, headaches and migraines, thrombophilia.

OK, first of all, I don't even know what thrombopohilia is (but I'm going to guess it's an unhealthy attraction to trombones). But seriously, headaches and migraines? Hospice care? Hospice care gets a ribbon?!?! Now I have a headache.

See, if there WAS a Grand Poobah then there wouldn't be anyone trying to weasel in on pink which, as we all know, is the color for breast cancer. It is NOT the color that I associate with "birth parents". Yes. Birth parents. What does that mean? You are one? You want one? You're looking for one? You've found one? How did they end up associating themselves with pink? Mighty gutsy, all of your "pink = birth parents" believers, but here's a little secret: You're the only ones who think that because everyone else knows it's for breast cancer.

I'm just asking for a little sanity and a little uniformity, is that too much to ask? Well, I guess sanity is out of the question since I just found an Awareness Ribbons group on Facebook. But maybe uniformity? Reasonable-ness, perhaps? Let's look at a list (which differs from other ridiculously extensive lists that I've seen, thus my uniformity question) and see what we think. (And this list straight from the Facebook group, so don't kill the messenger.) Allow me....

The red ribbon. Red used to be for AIDS, but heart disease has worked it's way in and now I associate both heart disease and AIDS with the red ribbon/bracelet. But somehow these have been worked in as well:

• Substance abuse, MADD, DARE, Epidermolysis Bullosa, Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome (WPW)

OK, can you have RED be the color for Wolff-Parkinson-WHITE Syndrome? What's wrong with WHITE for that? Oh, wait there's more.

Next up is orange. Orange stands for...? Anyone? Anyone?

• Hunger, leukemia, cultural diversity and racial tolerance, feral cats, motorcyclist safety, Multiple Sclerosis-wristband only, self injury, Agent Orange exposure.

Um, FERAL CATS?!?! Are you people on GLUE?? Feral Cats? For reals?? Good Lord.....

Green:

• Neural tube defects, growth and rebuilding, worker and driving safety, depression, bipolar disorder, mental health and illness. (Those last three could all be balled into one! Condense! Condense!)

Yes, when I see green, I immediately begin thinking about the safety of workers, especially if I'm driving. Wait, I thought bright orange was safety? Like those traffic cones, how come they're orange if green is for safety? Are they for the safety of feral cats? I'm so confused. Green means go, why can't they just leave it at that?

Dark Blue is on cause overload. Please commit to memory all of the following which are associated with dark blue ribbons (there might be a quiz later):

• Child abuse prevention, arthritis, free speech, crime victims rights, water quality, colon cancer, histiocytosis, domestic violence, water safety (flooding, drowning and accidents), Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS), interstitial cystitis, Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV), Reyes Syndrome, education, short bowel syndrome, Myositis, Leukodystrophy, Hurricane Support, police officers lost in the line of duty (AKA, the Thin Blue Line)

Hurricane support? In support of hurricanes? Yes, I can totally see why that is grouped with arthritis and colon cancer as well as free speech and water quality!

If your cause is unpronounceable, chances are it will have a purple ribbon.

• Domestic violence, religious tolerance, animal abuse, the victims of 9/11 (includes police and firefighters), pancreatic cancer, Krohn's Disease and colitis, cystic fibrosis, leimyosarcoma, macular degeneration, Sjogren's Syndrome, fibromyalgia, lupus, sarcoidosis, the homeless, thyroid cancer, ADD, ADHD, Alzheimer's, cancer survivor (this is a general color that anyone who has survived cancer can wear)
  

All I have to say about the purple ribbon is...The homeless?? Really??

The white ribbon seems more about people and human rights than it does about disease and cancer.

• Innocence, victims of terrorism, peace, right to life, diabetes, sexual assault of students, retinal blastoma, Alzheimers, adoption, bone disease and bone cancer, anti-child pornography on the Internet.

Anti-child pornography on the Internet. Not just anti-child porn. ON THE INTERNET! No, I do not see just plain old anti-child porn with a designated color. That must be OK with those folks. Good to know. And I don't think it's fair to have both purple AND white be the color for Alzheimer's. What, you don't think that they're going to forget if you start switching them around? Oh.

Black ribbons are for anti-terrorism. In SPAIN. Everywhere else? Go for it, I guess. Oh, it also stands for, that's right, Amish support. (Why do they need supporting? Is it just because they're Amish? I could see that, I guess.)

Then they started combining colors. Black and light blue means the death of a son. Black and pink means the death of a daughter. Black and white together? The death of a zebra, that is correct. (Actually black and white is Carcinoid Syndrome Cancer and anti-racism. But Black-White-Black on a ribbon stands for "Vaccine danger". Is there a white-black-white ribbon that could stand for "Vaccines don't cause autism, so please vaccinate your children as I do not look forward to the return of smallpox!")

Orange, Green, Blue, Purple, Yellow Ribbon is for STD awareness. They chose that combination as those are the colors that the parts of you where you contracted the disease will begin to develop. And that, in turn, makes you very aware of your STD. So nice job, ribbons!

Ivory, Burgundy and Ivory Ribbon = Oral, head and neck cancer. (There is "head cancer"?!?)

Red and White Ribbon = Head and neck cancer, aplastic anemia (Why does "head and neck cancer" get two different ribbons? Can't aplastic anemia be trusted with it's own ribbon?)

Clearly, this whole thing has gotten out of control. And I don't think it would be a stretch to extrapolate a bit and say that more than 9 times out of 10, unless someone is afflicted with one of these conditions or is the nutjob who decided that their cause should go with a particular color, they would not know the specifics of what a specific color (with the exception of yellow) stood for unless you told them. When your list gets as long as this one has, it begins to get silly and that really takes away from the purpose. I'm not sure what the aversion is to putting the name of the cause on the ribbon or the wristband, but it should probably be considered. And soon, because there's a lot of crap out there wants to be a cause with a color.

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