The Third (And Last) Top Ten Searches Of 2009

Tired of reading about the top ten searches of 2009 for the various search engines? I'm kind of tired of writing about them, really. But I find it interesting that the Yahoo! and Google searches differ in the ways of social networking (Google) popularity versus geeky and/or redneck entertainment (Yahoo!) popularity, the top ten Bing searches are neither of those. In fact, the Bing searches almost make you wonder if Bing folks are actually searching for information on something of either newsworthiness or substance. Granted, most things on the Internet barely qualify for either of those, if at all. I'll give you that. But Bing searchers weren't just interested in hotties and Facebook. In fact, Facebook didn't even make the top ten over yonder at Bing. Guess those folks, unlike the Turkish Internet users, can figure out how to log in to Facebook without having to go through a search engine. Congrats.

Number Ten on Bing this past year was for Jaycee Dugard who was kidnapped in 1991 when she was 11 and was found living in what was basically a prison camp in the backyard of the scumbag and the scumbag's wife who kidnapped her. A fascinating story, really. Of course, not to Google or Yahoo! searchers, but fascinating none the less.

Billy Mays here for the Number Nine most popular search on Bing! Yeah, ol' Billy Mays, the pitchman for OxiClean, Mighty Putty and a host of other infomercial-tastic products could also have been the pitchman for "You'll Be Dead If You Have Heart Problems And Insist On Doing Cocaine".

Bing searchers can't stay completely away from the tabloids and that's why Jon and Kate Gosselin came in at Number Eight. I'd like to know exactly what the searches were for in regards to Jon and Kate. I'm guessing things like "Jon Gosselin is a douche" and "Jon Gosselin sex tape" were probably more frequented than they were not.

Cash for Clunkers earned the Number Seven slot. Apparently Bing searchers were less interested in Megan Fox's arse and more interested in how they could get around $4,000 of their car purchased subsidized by the rest of us. Let's see if "Unsustainable Taxpayer Subsidized Programs" makes their Top Ten, shall we?

I was glad to see Patrick Swayze make Number Six. Not so glad that he made one of the top ten searches because he was dead, but glad that he made it at all. He seemed like he was a really good guy and it's unfortunate that folks don't seem to realize that about people until after they're dead. What say we try seeing the good in people and letting them know about it while they're still around to give an S about it, eh?

Farrah Fawcett came in at Number Five and that's really a huge injustice. I mean, come on! She had to die on the same damn day as Jacko? What are the odds of that happening? She didn't get nearly the public mourning attention that she deserved. She was Farrah Fawcett for cryin' out loud! I'll bet you that most people will see her name on this list (provided they're not too busy searching for "Brittney Spears naked") and think "Oh, yeah, that's right." You only get one chance in this world to croak it and Michael Jackson steals your thunder. Hope it's going better for her now, that's for sure.

Stock Market took the Number Four position while Swine Flu took third. Considering all of the swines that are running around on Wall Street, it's not really surprising that these two ended up so close together, but it is rather ironic.

And effin' Twitter came in at Number Two. See? NO ONE knows what in the heck Twitter is! Still! Look for it to come in at roughly the same degree of search-i-ness next year, as we're still not going to know what it is or what it's good for. (In case you're still wondering what Twitter is, it's the Internet platform for people to display their vanity to the rest of the world that they think cares about their every move. We don't, by the way. We wish they'd stop with the tweeting already.)

And of course poor ol', dead Jacko comes in at Number One again. Who would be someone who could croak tomorrow that would get the kind of searches that Jacko got? I'm drawing a blank. Oh, President Barry. If he were to choke on a chicken bone or something and kick it, the Internets would freaking explode. Let's hope that doesn't happen. President Joe Biden isn't something I'm OK with just so I can see what would happen to the Internets.

I find the difference in the types of searches between Google, Yahoo! and Bing to be telling. I think that it tells me that there's something out there for everyone and they're going to look around until they find what's right for them. Can each one of those search engines do anything differently in order to tap the other one's market? I would imagine that they could (hell, those Google boys can do darn near anything), but I couldn't even fathom a guess as to how. How do you draw a certain group of people to your search engine, for cryin' out loud? I have no idea, but that's why I am the Internet user and they are the Internet makers. Good job, guys! Carry on!

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You're Not Searching For These, Either

To recap, yesterday was the Top Ten Searches on Google for 2009. I don't know who was searching for these things, but apparently people were. Hence, the list. But I noticed that the Yahoo! list of their top searches for the year was a little different than the Google list. Not much, but a little. Both lists accentuate my theory that the Internet is not so much of a tool as it is a toy. And that's fine, I'm all for toys. But let's just stop pretending that we're all doing such important work when we're online, all right? We're either on Facebook or looking for porn. The end.

Just for the sake of memory refreshing (as I can't remember what I had for breakfast, let alone what I read yesterday), the Google list was as follows:

10. Torpedo Gratis (free text messaging, not free self propelled, aquatic weaponry)

9. Dantri.com.vn

8. Windows 7

7. Lady Gaga

6. New Moon (the movie, not the lunar rotation cycle)

5. Sanalika

4. Twitter

3. Tuenti

2. Facebook (2, 3, and 4 are due to the laziness of the Turkish Internet users, apparently)

1. Michael Jackson

That's what people are searching for on Google most frequently. Now, onto the Yahoo! list.

While text messaging for free was a priority for Google searchers, for Yahoo! searchers, their Number Ten search was Runescape, the popular (duh) free online role playing game which, according to the description, involves "...monsters to kill, quests to complete, and treasure to win." OK, then. You now know as much as I do.

Number Nine was NASCAR. NASCAR has been really popular in the recent past, but it's popularity has been waning. I attribute that to folks figuring out that no matter how long they watch, those folks ain't never going to turn right.

Number Eight, for reasons that are inexplicable to me, is Kim Kardashian. You must really know how to work...something if your father was technically a lawyer for OJ Simpson during his first trial (you know, the one where he was acquitted of the killing that he did of his wife and her friend) and that's all you've got. Well, that and, apparently, a pretty nice ass. OH, wait! AND a sex tape! It seems that everyone except for me has made a sex tape! If you haven't made yours, you'd better get on it because from what I can figure, it's becoming some sort of a requirement for all human beings that are or will be fornicating at some point. But other than that, you're dumb as a post and haven't accomplished a thing in your life. Amazing.

Number Seven was American Idol. I'm a little surprised that it didn't rank higher than 7. What with the be-makeup-ed and tongue wagging Adam Lambert turning in his spectacle of a performance week after week and all.

Number Six is something called Naruto. According to Wikipedia, Naruto is "...an ongoing Japanese manga series....(which)...tells the story of Naruto Uzumaki, an adolescent ninja who constantly searches for recognition and aspires to become a Hokage, the ninja in his village that is acknowledged as the leader and the strongest of all." Ninja aspirations. Sixth most popular search on Yahoo! Huh. More popular than NASCAR, but less popular than Britney Spears. That sounds about right.

Number Five is the aforementioned Ms. Spears. I think that's because she was doing her whole comeback thing this past year. I can't think of any other antics that would warrant her ranking fifth. No divorces, head shavings, seat belt-less driving, beating down vehicles with umbrellas, pregnancies, births, et cetera. She is hot again, though. But not hot enough to rank #1, which is where she has spent the past FOUR years. Good Lord, Yahoo! searchers. Get a grip on yourself. Oh. Wait. That's probably why she's ranked so high. All of the gripping. Never mind. (But just so you know, God sees everything!)

Clocking in at Number Four is Megan Fox. Look, I'll give you that she's attractive. But what in the hell has she done? Anything? Other than look hot? That's it? Huh. All right then. Number Four it is, but you people stay the hell away from me.

Number Three gives us WWE. Remember that Number Nine was NASCAR. Are you kind of getting a feel for the type of person who is using Yahoo! search as opposed to Google? Yeah, I think we are...and it scares me. (Somehow though, they've figured out how to operate their computers, so maybe it's not all that bad. Who am I kidding? It's that bad. We all know it.)

Want to not be shocked? Then how about if I tell you that the Number Two search was Twilight. Sparkly vampires? Very popular with the Yahoo! search crowd. The only part that I find slightly shocking about this is that the new movie was New Moon. Last year's sparkly vampire movie was Twilight. What's up with that Yahoo! searchers?

And the one thing that searchers far and wide can agree upon, Michael Jackson! Sadly, the King of Pop's death propelled him to the top of many, many lists this year. It's odd. When you're alive, people shun you because you were accused of child molestation and might have been a pedophile. But when you're dead and you've still been accused of child molestation and still might have been a pedophile, no one cares and thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. Go figure.

I just wanted to point out the differences between the Google searches and the Yahoo! searches. The Google searches were mostly social networking sites, with a single technology site, the obligatory sparkly vampires, a freakazoid singer and Jacko. Meanwhile, over at The Yahoo!, you've got three hotties, two redneck pastimes, a role playing game with monsters, some anime with ninjas, a little American Idol, the obligatory sparkly vampires and Jacko. Yahoo! searchers don't seem all that interested in social networking at all. They don't give a fat rat's ass about anyone else unless it's a hottie or a sparkly vampire. They don't need anyone else to talk to. All they need is good looking chicks to look at and cars that turn left. Screw everyone else, so sayeth the Yahoo! searchers.

Should we take a look at the Top Ten searches on Bing tomorrow? I think we're going to because I've looked through them and (Spoiler Alert!) while Jacko is Number One on Bing as well, it's a very, very different list from The Yahoo! and from The Google. (By the way, Twitter made it to #2 on Bing, but I don't know if it's because of lazy Turks like it was on Google.)

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