Sorry, Chicago. Hell-o, Lola!

So Rio de Janeiro gets the Olympics in 2016, eh? Tell me again why it is that people are surprised that Chicago didn't get the Olympics? Was it because President Barry gave a little talk-a-roo to the masses and that still didn't sway the IOC? Was it because The Oprah gave a little talk-a-roo as well to the masses and that still didn't sway the IOC? Is that it? Man, I certainly hope that's why folks are surprised. Maybe now they'll start figuring out that President Barry and The Oprah are not the have all to be all to end all of human civilization. Maybe instead of The Oprah and President Barry they should have gotten that voice in the cornfield that talked to Kevin Costner. When that voice talked, things got done!

People seemed genuinely shocked when Chicago lost. Me, I was genuinely shocked when I learned that Chicago was in the running. It's the Summer Olympics, folks. I guess that when I think "summer", my mind doesn't automatically make the jump to "Chicago", you know what I mean? What, exactly, was supposed to lure the folks of the IOC to want to have the Olympics in Chicago? Could it have been the....

...pollution?

...air traffic?

...crime? (As long as they don't veer too far from northern Chicago and/or the airport, things would probably have been fine.)

...summer heat?

....weather? (Did I mention that Chicago gets intermittent thunderstorms in the summer? Without warning. It just suddenly rains. Not good for Olympic-ville.)

...or perhaps a little bit of the corruption.

According to MSNBC, "At least 79 elected officials have been convicted of wrongdoing since 1972"! That's almost two per year! What the hell, Chicago? Three former governors have been imprisoned. And if I were writing this a year from now, that number would probably be four thanks to weasely Rod Blagojevich! Granted, one of the governors wasn't in jail for things that he did as governor, but still. The current administration of the mayor of Chicago, Richard Daley, is under federal investigation for corruption. While Daley himself is not under investigation (allegedly), well, you know...apple...tree. Draw your own conclusions.

So really? Y'all are still perplexed, eh? You put that much faith in President Barry and The Oprah? Wow. Well, at least you're capable of having faith in something. I've given up entirely, so maybe Chicago has one over on me. Then again, I wouldn't have wasted my time campaigning for Chicago, so while they have their faith, I have a whole bunch of extra time on my hands.

So now that we know what Chicago has, what about Rio? What do they have? They have Party Town, South America is what they have. Look, I was standing amidst a substantial crown in Liberty Park in downtown Salt Lake City when they announced that Salt Lake had effectively bribed their way to being awarded the 2002 Winter Olympics (I'm paraphrasing, of course). People whooped. People hollered. But it wasn't anything like what went on down in Rio when they received their news. (By the way, I'd like to make it clear that I did not whoop, nor holler. People were so damned excited that I figured that this must be something imminent, so I kind of asked around. When is this thing, next Tuesday? What?!?! Six YEARS from now?!! Are you kidding me?! Why all the shouting?? What's with the hooplah?)

You know who is the happiest person of them all out there that Rio was given the 2016 games? The one person who is just beside himself with joy? That's right. Barry Manilow. Why Barry Manilow? Can you just imagine the amount of royalties that are going to come pouring in when the Olympics are in Rio and the song Copacabana is played eighty two gazillion times over that fourteen day (or seventeen day) period? For the geographically challenged,Copacabana Beach is in Rio de Janeiro. (Her name was Lo-la!)

OK, hokey smokes! In Salt Lake a bunch of people waved little flags and blew horns. I think Karl Malone might have done a fist pump in the air. I do remember a couple of streamers. Other than that, there was none of this downpouring of celebratory confetti like we see here. (She was a show-girl!)

Folks in other parts of the world, especially the amoral America, are going to have to get used to the fact that religion is a pretty big part of life for those folks down there in South America. They're big on the whole Jesus thing. They built a massive Jesus statue on a hilltop in Rio de Janeiro. THAT'S how much they like Jesus. They also like Jesus so much they put a picture of their statue of him on the world's largest beach blanket which they unveiled during their celebration. Behold! (With yellow feathers in her hair!)

If this photo is any indication, there are going to be a lot of those little twisty balloon animals when the Olympics finally roll into Rio. Behold! (And a dress cut down to there!)

In Rio, this guy is celebrating. In America, he'd merely be one of the homeless. (She would merengue!)

Wouldn't you know it? Leave it to Jermaine Jackson to inject himself into the middle of anything getting attention these days! What? What's that? That's not Jermaine Jackson. Oh. Awkward. Well, then, good for Pele for coming out and celebrating with the masses then! (And do the cha-cha!)

Here is a woman who is celebrating Rio hosting the Olympics with one of those twisty balloons which has been fashioned into a toilet seat around her neck. (And while she tried to be a star...)

They are also quite fond of breasts in Rio de Janeiro as well. And who isn't, really? (Though if these are the kind we're talking about, count me out for now, OK?) Behold! (Tony always tended bar!)

I guess the Olympics have never been in South America before, so this is kind of cool. Congratulations, Rio de Janeiro! Now could you lower the damn price of coffee beans, please?

Across a crowded floor, they worked from 8 till 4
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa....they fell in love!

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But Dogs Don't Need Clothes

Can you believe it's that time of year for the Carnival of Animals already?! OK, look, I didn't really know there was a time of year for such a thing and now that I do, I've gotta say, I'm not thrilled. People tend to do this mostly with dogs and I really have an aversion to folks putting little outfits on their canines to make them look like something other than a dog. I don't particularly like dogs wearing clothes because...well...see, it's because they're dogs. They don't need clothes! They're dogs! But that doesn't stop people. God no. Nothing does, really. I should know that by now.

Down there at the Copacabana (Her name was Lola...) beach down in Rio de Janeiro, they do this thing every year. And as the Times of Malta tells us, this animal freak show is a precursor to the much larger, much more appropriate Rio carnival which kicks off February 22. I'm still not clear on why it is that a bunch of animals dressed as humans is the correct or accepted or expected way to kick off a carnival for humans that are not dressed like animals. I'm just chalking it up to they're just quirky down there in Rio.

I suppose it could have been worse. I'm pretty sure I've seen worse. But it's for a good cause, so I can't complain too much. It's to promote the welfare of animals. Although I find it odd that in order to promote their welfare they must be dressed up in clothes that they shouldn't be wearing which makes it appear as if we don't care about their welfare (and care even less about their fashion sense). But the people down there really do care and I guess that the animals know it as no one got bit or eaten or anything tragic like that. So let's see who got all dressed up and trotted out for this shindig, shall we?

First off, these are some of the people who are the type of people who dress up their dogs. Yep, that's about what I was expecting. Yep.

Here we have the always hilarious, always lovable Dog Wearing Motorcycle Goggles. These dogs always have their tongue hanging out of their mouth. Always. Even when they're on the motorcycle, that tongue is hanging all the way out. and they just look like they're having a great time. Which is why I don't understand how come if you blow in their face they freak out on you? Dude, you were just on the back of a bike going 75 down the freeway and you're going to yelp and whimper because I went "Poof!" in your snout there? What gives?

This appears to be the somewhat perplexing Dog as an Impromptu Viking. A Viking at Carnival. Huh. Diverse.

At first, I thought this was Crazed Ballerina Dog. Turns out, it's Halloween Bat Dog With a Tutu. You can kind of see the wings there. It's odd.

Here we have Escape From Alcatraz Dog. Looks frightened. Can't say that I blame him.

THIS is Crazed Ballerina Dog! Or should I say, this is Crazed Sunflower Ballerina Dog?! How could I have mistaken Halloween Bat Dog for THIS? Behold!

Not all of the wrongly dressed creatures were dogs. Here is a wrongly dressed cat. I'll call this guy Wizard or Witch Cat (it's hard to tell). Actually, I think I'll call him Angry and Annoyed Wizard or Witch Cat. He does not look happy. Cats, in general, are smarter than dogs when it comes to interpreting their surroundings. Sure, dogs can fetch and sit and stay and do all of that stuff, but they also act like morons half of the time. Cats are fully aware of what is moronic and what is not (and if you're asking a cat, cats are not moronic), which is why AAWWC does not look thrilled.

And here is a little sad looking Chihuahua with a day-glo pink pillbox hat and matching outfit. Oh, the humanity.

Animals dressed as humans. Not my favorite. How come we never see animals dressed up like other animals? That might just confuse the hell out of all of them, wouldn't it? Dogs dressed like cats, cats dressed like dogs, it'd be mayhem in the streets! Dogs chasing after dogs that they thought were cats (Oh, Spot! Is that you? Sorry!), cats snickering to themselves (as they always do over in a corner somewhere). And while I realize that they're animals and they probably don't know that they look ridiculous, I think that they do know that they're not supposed to be wearing clothes. They've never had them on before, they don't have them on most of the time, I think they're onto that. Isn't there some other way to promote the welfare of animals that doesn't involve dressing them like humans? There has to be. How about just have them wear sandwich boards with your message on them? It'd be direct!

To recap, they're dogs. They don't need clothes. Why? Because they're dogs.

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