Monday, July 5, 2010

What Not To Wear During Summer

As yesterday was the 4th of July (America's Independence Day for those of you not reading this in the states), I had the opportunity to observe many people out in the summer weather. In many cases, I was able to observe just a little bit too much of some folks. That's when it struck me that there are many summer apparel/fashion trends that I simply do not like. And as I always do when writing about clothing (or the lack there of in some cases) I will mention that I, myself, am far from a fashion monger. Fashion mongrel might be more like it on some days. (Although, I've been getting better lately due to my currently being enamored with a certain extremely well-dressed flight attendant.) So, am I one to talk? Absolutely! I mean, even I have my limits. I wouldn't wear any of the stuff I am about to share with you. Ever.

I'm going to start with those damned fly-eye sunglasses that cover up half of your face AND the face of the person that you're standing next to. They're THAT big! Seriously, why do you need sunglasses that big? I'm fine with slightly oversized. I'm talking about the ones that extend down to the corners of your mouth on the bottom and touch your hairline on the top. I told you' they're THAT big! You look like a mutant insect from another planet. What's wrong with a pair of Ray-Bans? Say, aviator style? Maybe in a blue? (Yeah, I bought a pair of those last week and man, are they sweet!)

Guys, if you are wearing shorts, do not wear your work boots. Please. You're not fooling us into thinking that you have some manly job that requires protective footwear, but not protective trousers. If your feet are in danger, so are your legs. And that's my point. If you're wearing shorts, you shouldn't BE wearing work boots. It's not cool and you look like a dork. Actually, any kind of boots with shorts is not a good look. So, put those Uggs back in the closet!

Ladies, knock it off with the fringe. I suppose that a fringe purse (yes, I saw two of those yesterday) would be OK, but the fringe clothing is definitely out. Why do you want to look like you just got into a fight with a bear? Or a homeless person? If you must do the fringe shirt (and I'm begging you not to) please don't do the kind where you attach little beads to the ends of the strands of...strings? Fringe? Shirt? I don't know what those are. And if you don't wear it, then I don't have to figure out what to call it, capeesh?

Back to the guys, if you're going to wear a T-shirt without any sleeves, then you run right on down to your local gay man's workout apparel establishment and pick yourself up a T-shirt that doesn't have any sleeves on purpose. Do NOT rip the sleeves off of it yourself. And while I'm on the subject, please do not also then rip the arm hole all the way down to the bottom so that there is like an inch of fabric holding the thing together. We (the women) are not going to be tricked into thinking that you are the Incredible Hulk who is at the barbeque straight from coming in off of an anger bender. It looks ridiculous. But if any of you out there can tell me why men think that this is a good idea, by all means, please let me know. I'm perplexed by the whole thing.

Ladies, what's with the military apparel? Well, the apparel isn't precisely the problem as much as the pattern. Just because you're on a beach, does that mean you have to look like you're on Omaha Beach? I don't think that it does. No one is expecting you to jump on top of a Howitzer or anything. (Yes, yes, I realize that they might enjoy that. All I'm saying is that it's not expected.) Looking like you just stepped out of Afghanistan isn't appealing to anyone. Even (and especially) the Afghanis. Trust me. Ditch the camo look.

Guys, about your shorts. There are a couple of rules that you're going to need to follow. Rule One: Shorts must be shorts. Shorts going down to just above your ankle or mid-calf aren't shorts. They're just you being sloppy. Same goes for cargo shorts. No one needs that many pockets. If you need that many pockets, you need seriously check yourself and see about getting a purse. And Rule Two: No jean shorts for men. I've just been made aware that another name for jean shorts is jorts or jhorts. Apparently, either one is acceptable. Yet, at the same time, neither term is really acceptable. If you're a dude and you're wearing jean shorts and calling them jhorts, you're probably already out shopping for that purse.

Women, ditch the headbands and ditch the leggings. We're long past the 1980s. You're not Jane Fonda. You likely never were Jane Fonda. (More likely, you don't even know who Jane Fonda is.) Is there some sort of secret desire to broadcast a Cyndi Lauper-like appearance so that everyone will know that girls just wanna have fun? (I'm guessing they probably don't know who Cyndi Lauper is either. While the Jane Fonda ignorance is fine, not knowing about Cyndi Lauper is just sad.)

I find these rules of apparel fairly simple to understand and even easier to follow. Trust me. We'll all be better off this way.

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