Tuesday, July 6, 2010


There are some things out there that are just so idiotic, I have a hard time blaming the folks who create them. I mean, if there is a niche market to sell things to the moronic, then shouldn't it be taken advantage of by some conniving capitalist? A fool and his money...? You know, stuff like that. And let me tell you, I've heard a lot of really stupid ideas. I've read about a lot of really stupid ideas. But I think I've come across one that might be an all time winner. I mean, after all, if you're going to make a jam that allegedly contains the human hair of a deceased former member of royalty and then use that ingredient as the main selling point, you deserve some sort of prize. Nothing monetary, of course. I don't want to encourage this sort of behavior. But maybe just a medal or a trophy that isn't too shiny.

What's that? Oh, right! The hair jam. Did I not mention? Let's see.....idiots...fools...money...hair...no. No, it looks like I did not mention it. My apologies. Here's the scoop: See, there's a guy who claims that he has made some jam (yes, the delicious condiment and accompaniment of things like toast and PB&J sandwiches) which contains the hair of Princess Diana. That's right. Her hair. IN the jam. Um, if I find hair in my jam, I want nothing more than to remove it. This guy is making the jam with the hair in it on purpose! What the what?

According to the folks over there at CBS News, a one Sam Bompas (aka, the con man masquerading as an artist) has created a jam called "occult jam". And according to The Huffington Post, said jam is made by "...infusing a tiny speck of the late princess of Wales' hair with gin, which is then combined with milk and sugar to create a product with a taste resembling condensed milk." Wait. What? Milk? Sugar? Condensed milk? And GIN?? Let's just put the issue of the hair aside for a moment here and talk about the jam itself. Since when is something resembling condensed milk considered to be a jam? I thought jam was made out of fruit. Lots and lots of fruit! There's no milk in my jam! Is this a British thing? Or an alcoholic thing? What's with the gin?

Whatever it is, we're going to have to revisit the hair issue eventually, so we might as well do it now. According to The Huffington Post, "The hair was bought on eBay for $10 from a U.S. dealer who collects what he says is celebrity hair and sells it in extremely tiny parts." Uh-huh. Sure it is. It's her hair. Uh-huh. Yeah. OK. (Why couldn't I have thought of that scam first? Why?!) A hair dealer. Man, I'll give that guy some credit. That's as brilliant as it is asinine.

But why put it in jam? That still isn't all that clear to me. Obviously, it's a gimmick. The jam sells for $7.60 a jar (no word on how big the jar is), but I have no idea how many of these jars of jam with fake Princess hair in them are available. Not that it would matter, I'm just saying. I guess maybe I'm wondering what the monetary opportunity is going to be for ol' Bompas. I'm hoping that there's only like one or two jars available. I'd hate to think that there are throngs of folks out there just clamoring for this sort of thing. That would make me sad. And suicidal.

As far as why he decided to make the fake Princess hair jam, "Bompas said he decided to make the bizarre product to provoke people into thinking about food marketing and how language enhances the everyday eating experience". The only way that this makes me think about food marketing is to the effect of "I really hope I don't find hair in any of my food today." And as for language enhancing some sort of experience? Perhaps. "Holy s***! There's hair in this jam?! Get outta here! Princess Diana's! What moron came up with that?" Huh. He was right. That did enhance this whole experience.

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