Upside-Down = Bass-Ackwards

As I'm sure that any day now people from the US government will be reading this blog so that they can better understand all they don't seem to know or acknowledge about the current housing/mortgage/foreclosure/dumbass situation that is making me crazy. Any day. I can feel it! I just hope they hurry. My head is going to explode if I have to continue to see misrepresentations of the US economic debacle.

From the phoning-it-in folks over there at Reuters, comes the article " 'Under water' mortgages are growing threat to US". Aside from the poor wording, (Are they? Are the mortgages out there actually "growing threat"? Like in their garden? Cultivating the "threat" like marijuana up in the foothills? Come on, Reuters. Is that the best you can do?) what are they saying? That we've become like the lost city of Atlantis? Not enough scuba gear to go around for all homeowners? Don't we have enough to deal with as it is without having to live under water as well?

Actually, I kid. (It keeps me from leaping to my doom.) If your mortgage is "under water", you're not really underneath any water. Although you could be just as screwed as if you were. Reuters claims that "under water" on your mortgage is defined as "owing more on a mortgage than the house is worth." Now, maybe things have changed, I haven't seen the rule book in a long, long time (which has definitely factored into this mess), but that's called "upside down", not "under water". But as you can imagine, being "upside down" isn't all that great either. If you're "upside down" AND "under water", you're so screwed. What they call it isn't really my point, though.

They say that, as the financial situation in the US spirals to places not yet known, one in six "homeowners" are finding themselves upside down in their mortgage. I've quoted "homeowners" because if they actually "owned" the "home", they might not have this problem. I'd prefer the term "mortgage payers", but they go with "homeowners". (But it's just because they're clueless, that's all.) The article claims that because of all of the upside down-ness, it is "threatening the U.S. economy with a new wave of foreclosures and bankruptcies." To which I said, "It is?" (Actually, that's not all I said. The first thing I said was, "That's bull S.")

The entire article builds on that incorrect statement/assumption and it is misleading at best. See, what your home is currently worth has little to NO impact on your ability to make a payment on your mortgage. Well, it should have little to NO impact on your ability to make a payment on your mortgage. You're not paying for what your house is worth day-to-day. You're paying back the money you borrowed, regardless as to what you borrowed it for.

When is it, exactly, that a house did not become something to live in? People seem to think that their house is this big huge investment from which they will see great returns and great rewards and life of servants in togas feeding you grapes as you recline on a chaisse lounge by a pool with fountains. The problem with thinking that way is that it makes the assumption that one will always see a gain on top of their investment. The only way that is going to happen all the time is if housing prices continually increase. Forever. That's unrealistic, which is why it doesn't happen. Things do plateau once in a while. (Welcome to Once In A While. Next stop: You're Going To Be Here A While.)

Because people have the ill conceived idea in their head that if they become a "homeowner" that they will suddenly have a big, huge ATM with an unlimited supply of cash that they can just dip into (with a ladle or without) whenever they feel like it. Sure. That's realistic. It will have a garage where they can park both of their unicorns as well! And spare bedrooms for when Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy come for Thanksgiving Dinner.

But aside from it being ridiculous to expect that your house will always increase in value, it's still unrelated to your ability to pay the mortgage. If you borrowed $100,000 and agreed to pay back $1,000 a month, that's the agreement. How does that change if your house is suddenly worth $90,000 or $80,000? You have still borrowed and spent the original $100,000. Nothing is different in that regard. How does that cause bankruptcy and foreclosure? Oh, that's right. It doesn't.

I don't recall hearing people complain about their car payment. I'll guarantee you that anyone with a car payment has a vehicle that is worth less now than when they bought it. (Yes, I am fully aware of 'depreciation'. It's the concept I'm working on here. The concept.) But are people getting their vehicles repossessed right and left because they're all upside-down or topsy-turvy or pell-mell on their loan payments? Of course not. It's the same...what? The same concept, correct.

Just as things go down, things go up. I find it amazing that these same people that are freaking out because the price of their house has gone down expect it to STAY down, but when the price of their house is going up, they expect it to KEEP going up. But if they thought it was going to go up in the first place, why would they think it would never go up again? Just sit tight, people. Oh, wait. That's right. You couldn't afford the house in the first place. You were only hoping to hang out long enough to see the price go up a bit so that you could make a quick buck. But that didn't turn out so well for you. Now you're in the position that is very similar to that of the illustration below as far as what you feel your house is doing to you. Good luck with that.

Just remember, upside-down, sideways, inside-out, bass-ackwards, none of those things have anything to do with someone not being able to pay their mortgage. If you hear or read stories that imply such a thing (and how can you avoid them? I know I've been trying to not listen to moronic sob stories for months now. No such luck.) be skeptical and ask lots of questions. If for no other reason than just to watch them squirm when they figure out you're onto them. (But not in the same way as the illustration above. Thank God.)

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ɥsıɟploƃ uʍop ǝpısdn

Goldfish. Who knew? Who knew that they were more than a disposable pet that you brought home in a nifty plastic bag, half filled with water and containing one seemingly confused, possibly distressed goldfish. See, typically, scenarios involving the goldfish go something like this: You buy a goldfish (you may or may not be fairly drunk at the time). You bring the goldfish home and you give it a name. You dump it ceremoniously into a little bowl with colored rocks and a ceramic castle. You watch it swim for about 15 seconds. You forget all about the goldfish immediately (you may or may not be drunk again). The goldfish is dead before the end of the week (or before you go back to work; whichever comes first). You unceremoniously flush said goldfish. But over in Lympstone (that's in England), there's a goldfish that you probably won't forget about, drunk or not (and that's a good thing, because the goldfish lives in a pub). This particular goldfish swims upside down.

Behold! A goldfish in England that swims upside down!

According to our good friends across the pond there at The Metro he goldfish's name is Aussie (even though it's in England, that's correct) and it's owned by the landlord of the Globe Inn Pub, Liam Matthews. Liam says he bought the goldfish from a pet store in 2004. When he bought it, it swam like a normal goldfish did. That is to say, the fish swam right side up. But six months later, Liam says that the fish started swimming upside down. What a draw for a pub, eh?

Apparently, Aussie the goldfish is in this perpetual inverted state because of a problem with the swim bladder. I had no idea what a swim bladder was, but apparently it helps to regulate buoyancy for a goldfish. Actually, I never really thought of the internal workings of goldfish ever. Who does? Who cares? It dies, you get another one. Problem solved. But if that's not your solution, you need to know about the swim bladder because having a problematic one is apparently a common problem with goldfish. It can be caused by an infection and that can affect the fish's ability to swim how it's supposed to. The swim bladder can also get messed up by a goldfish's diet. Yes, it's diet. I don't know, I thought that those little flakes were scientifically engineered specifically for the diet of little fish who swim in little bowls, so I don't see how that can be a problem, but I guess it is. Constipation is also a problem for fish and it can cause them to end up (pun intended) like Aussie as well. Wait. What?

Constipated goldfish!? Are you feeding the fish little nuggets of cheese instead of those flakes? What in the hell is the goldfish eating that's making him constipated, for crying out loud? I think someone's making stuff up. How many times do you see one of those damn fish with a trail of fish poop that's 10 inches long hanging from him? Oh, wait, this gets better. Or worse, I suppose. It just depends on your perspective. Or whether or not you're the fish.

There are remedies for the many things that ail your goldfish, so don't worry if you ended up with a sickly little guy. If your goldfish is constipated, you're supposed to feed it one or two mashed up peas every day until they return to normal. If your goldfish is floating (and he's NOT dead), he may have swallowed too much air and you're supposed to presoak the fish food prior to feeding it to the fish. ( I have yet to learn HOW to presoak it, as I'm just assuming that throwing it in the tank qualifies as both presoaking and soaking, just as long as the goldfish doesn't eat it right away.) If your goldfish sits at the bottom (yes, sits) they may have skin flukes. I don't know what those are, but they sound uncomfortable. And if your fish is standing (yes, standing), while you might be tempted to call Regis and Kelly (Hey, they had that big, fat cat on their show! Do you think they wouldn't want to see a standing goldfish? I think they would! I think we all would, actually.) you're supposed to check your fish's mouth to see if it swallowed gravel. Again, no word on HOW to check the mouth of your goldfish for gravel. Shocking, I know.

What started off as a weird story about a cute little upside down goldfish led to my learning more about the inner workings of a goldfish, the maladies that plague them and the remedies (most probably fake) that are available. I'm not pleased. It's not just an instance of too much information, it's an instance of learning that something that seemed so easy and simple is really quite complex. It's like going from kindergarten straight to med school! And do we really need more complexities in our lives? Especially in our goldfish? I don't think so. Though if the fish has been swimming that way for four years, all of the remedies that Liam could try with Aussie seem rather pointless. The fish is still alive and, according to Liam, "She seems happy enough - as far as you can tell with a fish." Well said, sir. Well said.

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