Fake Tributes Benefiting Non-Existent Foundations

It would seem as though Jermaine Jackson has appointed himself to be the family heir. Not to Michael, but to Joseph, the Jackson's sleazy, greedy father and self-admitted beater of his children during their childhood.

Joseph Jackson, as you may or may not recall, made it very clear shortly after Michael Jackson's death that he would attempt to profit as much as he could and as soon as he could from the death of his son. I believe it was on the red carpet at the BET awards show when he was asked how his wife and other children were doing and if he wanted to make a statement. His reply? "They are all doing fine. : But I want to make this statement. This is a real good statement here. Marshall and I have -- we own a record company...called Ranch Records…It’s driven by Blu-ray technology, and that’s the next step.” Um, yeah, see, the question was more about how you were doing dealing with the death of your son THE DAY BEFORE. It's...um...odd that he would have interpreted that question to mean "Take this opportunity to promote anything you might be working on at the moment, you 80-plus year old, coattail riding, gravy train hopping, sleaze monger, you." But miscommunications DO occur. Onward!

Stepping onto the gravy train and taking the reins would be Jermaine Jackson. Now, I don't know a whole lot about Jermaine, nor do I know if there is a whole lot TO know. And I didn't do a ton of research on the guy, but I did manage to read about his marital history and the number of children he has spawned. That whole chapter told me just about what I needed to know about Jermaine. Let's see if you come to the same conclusions: The guy got married in 1973 to Hazel Gordy (daughter of Berry Gordy) and they had two children, Jermaine Jr. in 1977 and Autumn Jackson in 1978. Somewhere during the marriage, Jermaine found himself and his penis straying from his wife and allegedly ended up impregnating someone else and allegedly producing a daughter, Dawn. For some reason, Hazel stayed with Jerk-maine. Too bad Jerk-maine didn't learn from the learn from the lessons of his wayward sex organ, as he hooked up a one Margaret Maldonado whilst still married to Hazel. Do you see where this is going?

Jerk-maine ended up what? Impregnating Margaret, that is correct. Margaret gave birth to his son Jeremy in 1986. Two illegitimate children outside the confines of her marriage was enough for Hazel and she divorced Jerk-maine. I don't know if she knew that she was pregnant at the time, but she was. And she wasn't the only one. That's correct. Jermaine's wife AND girlfriend were BOTH pregnant at the SAME TIME. Stay classy, Jermaine! So then Hazel gives birth the Jaimy. Then Margaret gives birth to Jourdyn. Whew! Time for a breather.

But not a long one! (Oh, I'm FAR from done!) Margaret and Jermaine never got married (not that it would have mattered if they HAD, apparently) and they split after about 5-6 years. After that was over, Jerk-maine did just what you'd expect him to do and married his brother Randy Jackson’s ex-wife Alejandra Genevieve Oaziaza a couple of years after the split from baby factory number three. That union produced son Jaffar Jackson and another son Jermajesty sometime before they split in 2004. (By the way, Alejandra was married to another guy at the time that she married Jerk-maine. So technically, when she married Jerk-maine, she really didn't because she was already married.) His current wife is a one Halima Rashid whom he married in 2004. NOW I'm done.

Wait. One more thing. Jermajesty???

Clearly, he's not the most moral chap I've ever heard of. He also doesn't seem to have any money. So he's a broke, amoral dude whose brother just died. I mean, whose brother, who has the potential to make him millions if he just whores himself plays his cards right, just died. And he is going to ride this gravy train with biscuits for wheels straight to hell (if we're lucky). Jermaine is planning an "international tribute" to his late brother. And by "international" I mean that it's going to be held in Vienna because, of course, Michael Jackson "loved castles." Um, wait. What now?

That's right. He "loved castles". So they have to have it in Vienna? The location of the motherlode of all castles? What? There's castles in America! We have, um, Hearst! Hearst Castle! And White Castle! Geez! There's castles! Perhaps Jermaine has a bit of that 'extravagant' and 'eccentric' gene that Michael seemed to have an abundance of. Whatever it is, it's going to be in Vienna on September 26.

Now, you can't plan a tribute concert like this all by yourself. You need help. You need seasoned professionals who are good at this thing and who know what to do. That means, if you're Jermaine Jackson, you need Shawn Southwick. I said, you need Shawn Southwick. You know. SHAWN! SOUTHWICK! The wife of almost-octogenarian Larry King! Behold!

Good Lord, how did THESE two ever team up? According to the NY Post, they've known each other "for quite a while" and were going to "...sing their duet, "Will You Be There," and release a CD from the event." That according to Ms. Southwick's spokesman, Howard Rubenstein. Um, OK. Tell me, Sir Spokeshole, that CD that they wanted to release? The Jermaine Jackson-Shawn Southwick duet CD? Yeah, that one. WHO is that FOR? WHO do they think is actually going to BUY that? What type of person is clamoring for that CD? I realize that they're probably a perfect match - a money grabbing wife of a barely coherent 75-year old talk show host and a money grabbing brother of a deceased pop star, but that still doesn't explain how that pairing is going to sell CDs.

And here's where it starts to get sleazy. Er. Sleazy-er. Sleazier. According to the same said spokeshole, Howard Rubenstein, "...listed President Obama as "confirmed talent" as well as Al Pacino, Colin Powell and Richard Branson." Wait. Barack Obama, Al Pacino, Colin Powell and Richard Branson? Together at last?! Finally! Hold it!!

President Barry is "confirmed talent"? Exactly what "talent" would he be displaying that would cause it to be "confirmed"? I am unaware of any "talent", confirmed or unconfirmed, that President Barry possesses and is willing to share with the world from a stage in Vienna at a concert for Michael Jackson being staged by Shawn Southwick. That just doesn't sound like the US President that I am aware of. And as for the other three, I'll give them credit for being diverse. No credit for being realistic or logical, but diverse. They would have been more believable if their "confirmed talent" consisted of Bubbles the Chimp and Muscles the Boa Constrictor. THAT I would have believed. (It's wacky enough and it's in that same Jacko realm that we were all so familiar with before he croaked.)

Other "confirmed performers" include Usher, Lionel Richie and Whitney Houston, again according to spokeshole Howard Rubenstein. And the World Awards producer, a one Georg Kindel, "...hinted that Madonna would perform." Wow. Won't that be tricky for her to do in the midst of her "Sticky and Sweet" tour? Of course it would be! And her spokeswoman, a one Liz Rosenberg seemed to back up that notion by stating, "It's not true. She's still on tour." And Howard might want to get together with Whitney's spokeswoman and soon! That's because a one Jill Fritzo, aforementioned spokeswoman said, "Not that I am aware of." when asked to confirm the now betoothed Houston as a performer. The White House also issued a similar denial of President Barry's attendance.

So this is all crap, right? Jermaine has NO performers, does he? Yet the spokeshole for Shawn Southwick is going around spouting that President Barry will headline the "confirmed talent". Oh, wait a second. This is becoming more and more clear to me. Again, according to the NY Post, "The original promotional materials, which sought sponsors willing to pay up to $3 million..." EACH?? That's optimistic if I've ever heard optimism before. Wow. Sooooo they're definitely interested in money. And a lot of it.

Upon checking out the tribute website, I learned that "A SUBSTANTIAL PORTION OF THE PROCEEDS attained by The Tribute will be donated to important charities." Allegedly. The first three charities that Jermaine announced included Larry Jones’ Feed The Children, The Larry King Cardiac Foundation, and "Jermaine's own EARTH CARE FOUNDATION." Wait. What?

That's right. Suddenly, the multi-child-ed, broke, hadn't been seen in public since 2004, brother of Michael Jackson has a foundation. Allegedly. A little checking on this one seems to confirm that while there IS an Earth Care Foundation (really it's Earth Care International), they have absolutely nothing to do with Jermaine Jackson. Nothing. And apparently, in the past, as recently as 2006, he has claimed that he founded something called Earth Vision International. Again, there IS an Earth Vision International, but it's a film festival taking place in Santa Cruz, CA every year. It is NOT a Jermaine Jackson foundation. In fact, it would appear that there are NO Jermaine Jackson foundations to be found.

I feel pretty comfortable in saying that I think that Jermaine Jackson is full of crap. He's using dead Michael to drum up money for alive Jermaine. And he is shameless about it. And apparently, there is no limit to how far he is willing to go with his scams. He involved Shawn Southwick, for cryin' out loud! Need I say more?!

I kid. The man seems to be milking his brother's death for every penny he can squeeze out of it. Can anyone just SAY that they have a "foundation" even if they don't? Isn't there a penalty for that? Shouldn't you have to show or have documentation of your alleged "foundation" before putting it on your marquee as a benefactor for some grand money generating endeavor? But then again, I don't know what good that would be in this situation if he's throwing the fake tribute concert in Vienna, the land for those who loved castles. (Translation: Far enough away from the US that he might be able to get away with his fake foundation benefit scheme.)

Man, where is Michael Jackson's shady doctor at a time like this when he could really be of some use?

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Questionable Sanity During Public Mourning

(Due to the yahoos over there at ESPN constantly talking and attempting to do their own commentary rather than just piping down and letting the God of competitive eating commentary, George Shea, be heard, my inevitable update on the Nathan's 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest at coney Island will be delayed until I can find some audio of George Shea sans boring ESPN guys. "Oh, look. He's eating another hot dog. And another. My God, he just ate another. How hungry is that man?" Morons.)

The sudden but not all that shocking recent demise of Michael Jackson has brought the media to a point of practically orgasmic joy and glee. You'd have to expect that with a character like Michael that there would be more rumors than facts floating around, and there are. And it would appear that the media doesn't care which is which. No time to research! No time to fact check! Just publish! Publish! Publish! NOW!!! Worry about accuracy later! Or never! It doesn't matter! We're the media! We write words, ANY words, for a living! Ugh.

And while pathetic and sad on many levels, on the trite scale of sad and pathetic, the media is really blowing over an opportunity to showcase the mindset of the grieving. sometimes people grieve for other people that they've never met in their lives in private. They do so because it makes them seem less like a freak if they just sit at home watching a marathon of The Golden Girls to pay homage to Bea Arthur rather than going out into the streets and sobbing profusely at the news of hisher passing. But folks who feel the need to remember Michael Jackson will have none of that staying at home stuff.

No, those folks are out. Out and about. I think that some are just gunning for a little media exposure that will please no one more than themselves to see that 1.5 second clip of them on the news as they hover over Michael's Walk of Fame star. Some appear to be fairly normal, but they're certainly not acting like it. But the majority of these folks and their "tributes" or their "memorials" are likely borderline mentally ill. They definitely need a hobby or some more friends. (Really, they should have at LEAST as many real friends as they do imaginary friends. And yes, their World of Warcraft characters count as imaginary friends.)

Here we have some shots of Michael's Hollywood star and some of the items left there in memoriam. Behold!

Yep. Because nothing says you care like an angry inflatable panda, some grocery store Jesus candles and two Popsicle sticks conjoined to form a cross. (Much like the Popsicle stick cross you read about in the Bible, I would imagine!) Oh, and the meaningful note scrawled on a piece of cardboard is a nice touch, don't you think? Looking at the photo below, it would appear that individual countries sent their own condolences. Wow, the miracle that is the mail system. Amazing! Look there's Mexico. And Haiti. And Ecuador. (Sure! Michael LOVED Ecuador!) I'm also a BIG fan of the freestanding candles that are just dripping wax right onto the star. (Yes, yes, I am aware that people WALK on them. It's an irony thing. You know, they're supposed to be there to "pay their respects" and I just don't see dripping candle wax all over the thing as very
"respectful".)

In that photo above, what is the object that I have the arrow with the question marks pointing to? I can't figure it out. Perhaps it's some replica of one of Michael's ornate surgical masks that he frequently donned in public. (You know. To keep a low profile. Because nothing causes one to blend in to a crowd like overbleached skin and a surgical mask.) If it is a surgical mask, someone had clearly gotten carried away with their new Be-Dazzler. But what is that?

And look at the crowd that has gathered around the star. While I get great amusement from the news reporter guy on the left with the completely perplexed look on his face, the rest of it is quite sad. Seriously, look at those folks. Did they all just come from a state fair? You've got the guy sitting practically right on top of the thing and he's talking on his cell phone. Most likely he's telling whoever it is "Turn on CNN! See if you can see me! I'm right here! Yes! Dead!" But they all appear as if they're waiting around for something. It's as if any moment now Michael himself is going to come bursting up through that star. And they'll be ready for it!

This chap was spotted outside of the UCLA med center shortly after Michael had died. He appears to be paying homage to Michael with the sign and to Notorious B.I.G. wtih his apparel. The thug look. Appropriate for mourning of any individual. I think he's a rather new-ish MJ fan, however. I never would have known, but his misspelling of "Michael" on the sign was what tipped me off. (Hey. Wait a second. Is that one of President Barry's daughters?)

These folks wanted to pay tribute to Michael outside of his Neverland Ranch that he hadn't lived in since 2005. Sure, that makes sense. That's why they got all dressed up to hold candles are the sun goes down. They're not very seasoned vigil holders, otherwise they'd have that little paper disk that goes over the candle that prevents the hot wax from dripping onto your hand and burning the crap out of you. (And nothing's more embarrassing than yelling, "Holy S! That's hot!" in the middle of a silent tribute. So I've heard.)

This artist in Indonesia has painted a picture of Michael Jackson and is putting it out for sale right there next to Osama bin Laden's portrait. (Is that guy below him supposed to be Scotty from Star Trek?) I wonder if he painted that picture after he had seen some of the photos of other tributes. I think he had seen some of them because it appears to be an angry panda on his belt there. He's also painted a look on Michael's face that seems to say, "I'm bad! I think. Am I? Wait. Let me ponder. Hmmm...bad?"

I call this tribute simply "Pic on a Stick". Behold!

See, I just don't get that. Someone felt the need to print out a picture of Michael Jackson and staple it or attach it picketeer style to a stick and go out into public with it. For the purpose of what? Is there a parade later? Will you be the grand marhsall? Is it a puppet show? Are there Macaulay on a Stick Pics for that?

Someone felt it necessary to put their message to Michael on a bedsheet and then use rope to attach it to the walls outside of the Jackson family home in Encino. It's a strange message, let alone a strange message for a bedsheet. But it's one of those examples of how spelling and grammar ARE really important. Allow me to go through the first half of this message (sponsored by Bed, Bath and Beyond!). Ahem....

MICHAEL: this is PERSONAL & 4U

Isn't it UNFAIR that U had to go cause all the

STRESS finally took a toll? IF u ever HAD

to take medication is to EASE the INTENSE

PAIN that LIES caused U. I only HOPE

that one day JUSTICE will come to "people"

that made U SUFFER.

First, it can't be THAT personal if you're willing to put the message on sheet and then sprawl it out in front of the family home. Outside of the family home that Michael WILL NOT BE AT ever again, might I remind you. Second, it's as if you are blaming him for something when you write "Isn't it unfair that you had to go cause all the...." I believe that the word you're looking for there, Captain Words-A-Lot, is BECAUSE. Third, allow me to introduce you to your friends, the comma and its cousin, the period. Their neighbors, the capital letters, will be along shortly. And finally, by putting "people" in quotes, I can only assume that you're referring to Bubbles the Chimp, correct? Of course. Nice sign.

(Honestly, how full of yourself are you if you think that it is perfectly OK to put your textile based banner there up in front of the family's home. Not just put it up, but use rope to physically attach it to the property? Clearly, that is an individual who has NO concept that things dealing with death are often the same as things dealing with life. It doesn't make it OK to hang a 6'x8' banner in front of a house that isn't yours REGARDLESS as to who did or did not die! It's not OK! Trespassing laws? Still in effect after death!)

The folks below plunked down some lawn chairs right there in the middle of Times Square for the purpose of....I'm sorry, what are they doing? He's dead and it just so happened that they were traipsing through New York that day with their magenta accented lawn chairs and decided to stop for a breather and watch the news ticker? They'd have more fun if they'd go shop in that Sephora shop next door to the ticker if you ask me.

And a Michael Jackson tribute showcase wouldn't be complete without a sand sculpture from the beach in Puri, India! It's Michael Jackson as we remember him. A large floating head that has lost his hat, surrounded by kumquats and, as always, with a dual colored lute off to the side of the head. He was never without that lute! It's so touching. I think I must go weep now. Weep softly for the loss of humanity as we once knew it. Good Lord....

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