It's Not Quite As Big As We Think

Prediction time! I predict that there is NO way that Michael Jackson's memorial service/fiasco/spectacle/hooplah will be bigger than the funeral of Princess Diana. I also predict a strong likelihood that the whole thing will come off as a hastily put together embarrassment. And finally, it's entirely possible that the LAPD and the City of Los Angeles have NO idea what they're in for as far as the throngs of "mourners" that will be attending (not to mention the "throngs" or mourners who will be milling aimlessly about the streets). And by "mourners" I mean "folks who are there for the 'experience'." Oh, and "folks who hope to see their face on major network coverage of the event." Yeah, those mourners.

Did you see the BET Awards? The ones where the whole schedule was rearranged so that they could "pay tribute" to Michael Jackson? It was a nightmare. It felt like what I imagine it would be like to watch your first grader in their very first class play. You know you're supposed to be enjoying yourself, but you can't help cringing frequently. I'll tell you this much: I can go a really long time from here on out without having to see Jamie Foxx ever again. Man, he certainly is pleased with his own act and it SHOWED at the BET Awards. Of course, we haven't heard from him since. Actually, we haven't heard from the majority of those phony-ass people who had the nerve to stand up there and say what a HUGE inspiration Michael Jackson was for them and how much he meant to them. You people are pathetic. I certainly didn't hear you singing his praises when he was on trial for child molestation! How come you weren't raining praises on him then? Because you're all just fake bandwagon joiners is why.

The folks over there at the BBC have a "preliminary list" of those expected to be in attendance and participating in the memorial service in some way. Can someone explain why Michael Jackson, who was at one point the most famous person in the entire world and was still ridiculously popular even after some of his fame had subsided, who is an incredibly successful entertainer, didn't seem to have friends that were of the same superstar level that he was on? How come his list of people who were close to him reads like the cast of a B-movie or a circus attraction? I mean, come on, the guy hung out with folks like Elizabeth Taylor, Liza Minelli, Miko Brando (son of Marlon), Corey Feldman, Macaulay Culkin, Emmanuel Lewis (OK, the last three there are more explainable than the rest, I'll give you that), Bubbles the Chimp, Muscles the Boa Constrictor.

Here's who is on tap for the memorial service on July 7, 2009:

Ron Boyd, family friend;
Kobe Bryant
Mariah Carey
The Andrae Crouch Choir
Berry Gordy
Jennifer Hudson
Shaheen Jafargholi, finalist on Britain's Got Talent
Magic Johnson
Martin Luther King III
Bernice A King
John Mayer
Lionel Richie
Smokey Robinson
Rev Al Sharpton
Brooke Shields
Pastor Lucious Smith, family friend
Usher
Stevie Wonder

Kobe Bryant. Really? At Michael Jackson's memorial service? Was R Kelly unavailable or something?

And Shaheen Jafargholi? Really? Just because he sang a Michael Jackson song when he tried out for Britain's Got Talent? You know, he tried to sing an Amy Winehouse song first before Simon Cowell stopped him and asked if he sang anything else because it was just all wrong. Hmmm. Amy Winehouse. Well, maybe this Jackson Memorial gig will be good practice for Shaheen. The way she's been looking for at least the last year, he might get to do this again real soon.

Magic Johnson? Look, just because it's the Staples Center doesn't mean you HAVE to have a basketball player there.

John Mayer? Why? Just one reason, that's all I want. But tell me why.

Good God, why in the hell is Al Sharpton going to be there? That man is about as low as they come. But if there's publicity and money involved (oh, and a black guy), you can bet Al Sharpton will come slithering out from under his rock to get in on it. Let me guess, he's the one who lined up Martin Luther King III? Let me guess again, Michael "inspired" MLK3, did he?

Can Smokey Robinson even move his face enough to speak and/or perform? I think the same plastic surgeon who worked on Kenny Rogers worked on Smokey. Hey, guess what?! We can TELL your face isn't real! (Though again, perhaps appropriate at the memorial service for Michael Jackson.)

Will Brooke Shields be bringing Bubbles and Emmanuel Lewis?

Now, over there at The Telegraph we have a quote from a one Assistant Police Chief Jim McDonnell in regard to the crowd that could be expected to turn out for the memorial: "We looked at other funerals around the world and different numbers that have come out for that. We've heard that for Elvis Presley's funeral there were about 75,000 for that, for Princess Diana there were about 250,000, so you can estimate that Michael Jackson with his popularity around the world, there will be significant numbers that intend to come out." Um, sure. The thing is, it was closer to over 80,000 that turned out for Elvis's funeral and the number of folks that lined the streets over there for Princess Diana's funeral procession was at least a million. If the LAPD is basing their "strategy" on how the Elvis ordeal almost 32 years ago turned out or how the Princess Diana tragedy over 12 years ago with 4 times the number in attendance as the figure the Assistant Police Chief cites, they're in trouble.

And finally, a reminder of how soon we forget things. Yes, Princess Diana's death was completely unexpected and her funeral was huge. But if what we've seen so far with the Michael Jackson mourning period is any indication, we should not be hearing even the slightest speculation that his memorial service will be as huge as the funeral procession for Diana. Here's why.

Here's a photo of Kensington Palace before the funeral had taken place. People had been streaming by almost non stop and dropping off flowers in memoriam. I had forgotten the SEA of flowers that emerged rapidly. It's insane. Behold!

And now, we have the scene outside of Neverland Ranch. Behold!

Um, yeah. See, that's not the same! No, it's not. Not even close. Whether or not as many people tune in for the memorial service coverage as did tuned in for Diana's funeral service remains to be seen, but 2.5 billion tuned in for Diana. If the flowers are any indication, it won't even be close to that number of people who take time to turn on the Michael Jackson service.


And looking at those two photos of the different amount of flowers/tributes left for Michael Jackson and Diana is really stunning. It's actually kind of embarrassing, really. But it's not as embarrassing as this:

Remember these folks?

The ones all crowded around the Michael Jackson star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? How they were there for hours and hours just sitting and dripping candle wax on the star? How they were in multiple photos shown on broadcast and print media? Remember them? Turns out, the folks in that photo, a one TJ Thomas and a one Marie Bouchard, were (wait for it) SITTING IN FRONT OF THE WRONG STAR.

There's some radio personality named Michael Jackson. That was HIS star that they were in front of. All of those people who were there with their crying and their weeping and their standing and their staring? All at the wrong place. Well, at least we know now that it certainly isn't about their undying love for their dearly departed pop star. No, it's more about their undying love for themselves and how they feel they should be a part of the story for no reason other than they were there. Too bad they were in the wrong place. If they have tickets for the memorial, I hope someone gave them a map, otherwise they're going to end up INSIDE of a Staples business and NOT the Staples Center. Morons.

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