DO I Speak English?!

Let me tell you a story about my trip to the DMV the other day. I had made an appointment ahead of time (greatest thing ever, by the way), so I just waltzed right in and handed my paper to the chick behind the counter. She looked to be about mid-fifties. Anyway, after she took my paper, she grabbed a couple of forms and then asked me something that was completely unintelligible to me. I knew that she was saying words, but I wasn't clear on just exactly what those words were, so I asked her to repeat herself. And repeat she did. She said it exactly the same way that she did when I couldn't understand her. Thus, I had to reluctantly ask for another repeat. Once again, it was the same stuff from before. Turns out however, that she was asking ME if I spoke the English. Really? She is asking ME?! About MY English? Uh, what the heck was she speaking? Yeah, boy, did we have a good laugh about that one. Well, I did. She still didn't really understand what was going on.

Now, this isn't exactly uncommon, especially in these parts. And while not uncommon, it IS unacceptable. I don't think that I'm asking too much if I'd like someone (who works for the freaking state, by the way) who interacts with the public all the live long day to speak in a manner that people can understand. And I'm not the only one who feels this way! Even in France, they feel my pain!

According to The Local, France is "...tightening immigration rules to require would-be citizens to provide written proof that they speak enough French to manage their daily lives." Oh, God. I want to move to France. Actually, no. No, I don't. But I do have a new found respect for France. How awesome is that? Now the article doesn't mention that there are a bunch of bleeding heart utopians complaining about this or anything, so I'm just going to continue to enjoy this and be jealous that the French will be able to understand everything that is said to them at the DMV.

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Who's A Jew?

According to the fine folks over there at the Wall Street Journal, Apple has withdrawn an app from its French online store. Now, Apple withdraws and rejects apps all of the time. But I think this might be the first case of Apple withdrawing an app that I really can't imagine that anyone would have wanted in the first place.

See, the app is called "Jew or Not Jew" and it "...allows users to identify whether a politician or celebrity is Jewish." Really? First of all, the name leaves a bit to be desired. I think they should have gone with something a little snappier like "Are Jew A Jew?" or "Jew Who?" Even "Jew Or No Jew" (you know, like Deal or No Deal) would have been better as far as a snappy moniker goes. But I digress.

According to the guy who made the app, a one Johann Lévy, he wanted "...a "recreational" tool for users curious about the religious background of famous people." Specifically, whether or not someone was Jewish. While I don't give a fat rat's ass what religion someone is, Mr. Levy seems to have given it a lot of thought, as he explained, "I often ask myself whether this or that celebrity is Jewish or not...I believe that it's a question that many Jews ask themselves too." Really? Jews are really that concerned about whether or not a politician is Jewish or not? I mean, so concerned that they'd go to the trouble of either writing an app or seeking out and buying an app in order to tell them about the Jew-ness of a politician? Huh. That's really important to you folks, eh? I had no idea.

And I guess that in France, you're not allowed to disclose people's religion. (See? Folks and bitch and complain all they want about the United States, but when you compare our freedom of speech to other countries NOT freedom of speech, it really puts things in perspective. Well, it should.) Yep, they have rules "...that ban disclosing people's religion without their consent as well as compiling data about people's religions." Some groups complained and cited that law and Apple decided to take down an app that I don't think that anyone was clamoring for in the first place.

I find this whole thing a little weird. Why is whether or not someone is Jewish a big deal? What does that do for people who find it important? Do they like non-Jews less? I don't get it. And why would anyone even care about the app? Are they afraid it's going to spur another Hitler? Oh, God. I just used Hitler as a hypothetical argument. Please forgive me.

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French Fakeroversy

And today's international fakeroversy (fake controversy) hails from a swimming pool in Paris in the land of France. What we have there is a woman who goes by the name of Carole who wished to use the local swimming pool. She ended up being banned in the pool because she was not wearing swimming attire which had been deemed appropriate for such an activity (ie, all the swimming). According to the AP, France has "...unusually strict hygiene standards in pools". I don't know what "unusually strict" is supposed to mean when it comes to "hygiene standards in pools", but I wrongly assumed that it had something to do with bodily functions when, in fact, it has to do with the attire that you wear in the pool. (Actually, I think I'm in favor of unusually strict hygiene standards in most instances which involve members of the public. Have you been out in public? Heathens, I tell you. Unhygienic heathens roaming about!) I then again wrongly assumed that this woman must have been banned for being unclad or less than clad (going by the French standards of clad, of course). In fact, she was banned because she wanted to wear the Muslim equivalent of a swimsuit, the burquini, in the pool. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? THAT is a woman clad in a burquini (or burkini). Yes. She was going to go swimming in that! Now, if you're like me and you were thinking that a burquini is a cross between Delta Burke and a martini, well, you'd be wrong. The word "burquini" is a cross between a "burqua (or burka)" and a "bikini (or bikini)". I, for one, think that sounds asindiculous (a cross between "asinine" and "ridiculous") and for one glaring reason. That get-up that she's wearing has absolutely NOTHING to do with a bikini! It's not in the bikini family! It's not even a neighbor of the bikini! I doubt that it would even be the bikini's pen pal! But I digress. Where was I? OH, right...asinidiculous.

The public pool policy of the French says that "...swimmers are prevented from wearing any street-compatible or baggy clothing, such as Bermuda shorts, in favor of figure-hugging suits." Apparently, the guidelines include "...swimsuits for women and tight, swim-specific briefs for men — and caps to cover their hair. Bathers also must shower before entering the water." Sounds fun and relaxing, doesn't it? Yeah, not so much. So clearly, the woman's burquini did not conform to those standards. Thus, she was banned. That would be the end of the story if she wasn't Muslim. Then again, if she wasn't Muslim this wouldn't have happened in the first place...because she wouldn't have been wearing the burquini at all! She would have been wearing more appropriate pool attire. Perhaps like that of Carla Bruni, wife of France's President Sarkozy. Behold!

You guessed it. Because she's Muslim, her not being able to swim in the pool whilst fully clothed is due to her being Muslim...if you ask her. If you ask anyone else, they'll tell you it has nothing to do with Muslim and that it had to to with the fact that what she wanted to wear in the pool isn't allowed. Nope. Not according to her. According to her? Muslim!

When she purchased the burquini, she did so because "it would allow me the pleasure of bathing without showing too much of myself, as Islam recommends. For me this is nothing but segregation." See, and that's where it becomes apparent that she and I are difference because for me, this is nothing but her needing a dictionary so she can become familiar with the term "segregation" and what the actual definition is because this is a lot of things, but it is not segregation.

I would have (yes, again, incorrectly) assumed that not being able to wear something that looks like a cross between a housecoat and a wet suit in the pool would be a safety issue. When something like that gets wet, it's going to add a ton of weight for you to carry around. Drowning sounds like an option in that scenario. No public pool wants the drowning stigma attached to it. But it turns out, the reasoning isn't necessarily safety. If you believe a one Daniel Guillaume (with the choice job of being "a regional official in charge of swimming pools), he said "....swimmers throughout France must wear special clothes to the pool, whereas a burquini could be worn all day long, collecting everything from food spills to sweat along the way." Spills? Maybe, maybe not. But sweat? OH, heck yes they're sweating in those things! It'd be like spending every day in your own personal traveling sauna.

Mr. Guillaume said, "These clothes are used in public, so they can contain molecules, viruses, et cetera, which will go in the water and could be transmitted to other bathers. We reminded this woman that one should not bathe all dressed, just as we would tell someone who is a nudist not to bathe all naked." VERY glad to hear about the "don't bathe naked" guideline there. That was some good thinkin'. (You think there's problems with the burquini? Double those problems if you've got a naked guy.) I disagree with Mr. Guillaume's rationale, as the "molecules and viruses" that he cites would likely be killed by the chlorine in the pool. That's just an aside to the fact that "molecules and viruses" are transmitted in a gazillion ways, and being fully clad in a swimming pool is probably just one of them. (Since when did "molecules" become part of the conversation? What happened to good old fashioned bacteria?)

As far as the purchase of the burquini (God, I'm hating that word SO much right now), "I thought that it could enable me to enjoy the pleasure of bathing without uncovering myself, as Islam recommends.” Yeah, see, that's the thing. Islam recommends a lot of stuff and not all of it is acceptable. Perhaps she is unaware that for women, Islam is a bit repressive. She also said, "I understand that it might shock people, but I am annoyed because I have been told that it is a political matter. I didn’t set out to cause a stir." Well then, whoever is telling you that it is a "political matter" is wrong. It's not. (She's not listening.)

I guess she might have viewed this next statement she made as some sort of a threat or something, but it's really a grand solution to the whole thing. Actually, it's the most reasonable solution to the whole thing. She said, " “I will fight to try to change things. And if I see that the battle is lost, I cannot rule out leaving France.” You're going to leave? France? You're going to leave France if you can't swim wearing a complete track suit? That sounds like the best solution I've heard yet!

See, that's how a lot of things work. If you don't like it how it is where you are, you are able to go somewhere else where you might find the surroundings and the rules within a bit more to your liking. Are folks supposed to be appalled by that? You want to take your ball and go home? Have at it. Can I pack your burquini for you?

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Ex-Model Turned French First Lady

Please help us if Laura Bush ever gets a taste of the wild hair that Sarkozy's wife had that prompted her to write some songs and sing them. On an album. That was recorded and released. For public listening. Enjoyment?

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, you may or may not be aware of, is a fairly hot French woman who ended up marrying the President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, less than three months after they met. Look at her. Look at him. He really didn't have a lot of time to mess around with this one. For whatever reason, and I'm guessing "being President of France" was one of them, she liked him enough to "spend time" with him and when you're him, you don't ask questions. You just marry the broad.

Bruni-Sarkozy's record is entitled "Comme si de rien n'etait". Translated, that means, "As if nothing had happened." I have the feeling she will be singing that tune after they are divorced. Regardless, her record has topped the charts, knocking off Coldplay. (Really?) And she claims to have wrote the lyrics herself. That is a claim which I completely believe, especially after reading some of them.

The thing you should know about the First Lady of France is that before marrying the President of France, she, um, "spent time" with a lot of other fairly high profile men. Men like Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Donald Trump and Kevin Costner. Apparently she finds monogamy "boring". (Well, who doesn't?) Some of her lyrics seem to reflect these ideas. She also used to be a model. Some of her lyrics seem to reflect these ideas.

One song did not exactly make for smooth relations between France and Colombia. It might have had something to do with the lyrics, "You are my drug, more lethal than heroin from Afghanistan and more dangerous than Colombian cocaine." Apparently, Colombia was not amused. (I don't know what their problem was. What? Do they think that because the wife of the President of France sings that Colombian cocaine is dangerous that all of their loyal customers will go elsewhere for their 2-ton cocaine shipments?)

Actually, the name of that song is Ma Came (which apparently translates to "My Junk".) that full section goes, "You are my junk. More deadly than Afghan heroin. More dangerous than Colombian white powder. My guy, I roll him up and smoke him." I see. Did she really mean to say that she smokes him? That involves inhaling. I'm thinking she might have meant to allude to a synonym for exhaling. THAT would make more sense than all of the inhaling. (No, I'm not explaining. You can figure it out. I have faith.)

Then there's the song in which she apparently is blowing off criticism that she received after hooking up with President Sarkozy. She sings, "It's not correct, but it's good nonetheless. Let them curse me and I don't give a damn. I couldn't care less, I take all the blame, you need to know, you need to understand, I who made men dance, I give myself to you entirely, you are my lord, you are my love, you are my orgy." My. Well, it sounds like she adapts well to situations that, perhaps, are not optimal. Coping skills are good.

Again, I'm glad that Laura Bush isn't putting out albums that equate ol' G.W. there to Colombian cocaine and Afghanistan heroin. (Though, he would probably compare better to some free trade marijuana and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Both of those have rather mind numbing characteristics about them. The possible similarities are seemingly endless, now that I think about it.) I'm also glad that she didn't used to be a model or date Mick Jagger. I'm not quite sure why. There's just something about it that doesn't seem very First Lady-ish to me. And while I don't know exactly what I think a First Lady should act like, I'm not all that sure that I want her to sing to me that her husband is her orgy. No, I can do without that.

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