Be Glad That Cars Are Not Like Computers

The following is a rather amusing bit of humor that has been circling the pipes and tubes of the Internet for a while now, but somehow found its way into my inbox yet again. Didn't matter. It's still pretty funny. (And I'm not attributing the quote that is supposedly said by Bill Gates to Bill Gates. I don't know if he really said that or if it was just a lead-in to the part that's funny. Full disclosure, that's all. Oh, and while I'm at it, I haven't seen this particular bit attributed to anyone as being the individual who first made these these ingenious observations. And I'm too tired to look right now, so again, just full disclosure there.)

At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: "If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  
  
• Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  
  
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
  
  
• The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
  
  
• The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
  
  
• Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  
  
• Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  
  
• And, for some inexplicable reason, you'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
  

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Still About Nothing

It's here! It's here! The new phone book new Microsoft commercial with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld is here! It's been a week since the last one. Let's hope this one doesn't suck too.

I said, let's hope this one doesn't suck too! DOESN'T suck! Does not suck! Are you listening? Microsoft? Bill? Jerry? Aw, crap, no one heard that. I can tell because it kind of sucked.

When we last left two of the richest and most accomplished people on the planet (as the commercials are not allowing us to forget), they were shopping for pleather Conquistador shoes at Shoe Circus in the mall whilst chomping on churros. The commercial appeared to have absolutely nothing to do with Microsoft or what message they were trying to get across or anything like that. And appearances were everything as it was confirmed by Microsoft after that commercial aired that it was, in true Seinfeld form, a show about nothing. I was hoping the next commercial would be about something. It kind of was. Something sucky.

We pick up the tale of two bazillionaires at the home of a "typical" suburban family. "Typical" if you have the nerdy Dad (who kind of looks like Gary Burghoff on crack) and the geeky Mom and three teenage or close to teenage children who are smarter than the parents. You also need to have the elderly relative, in this case the grandmother, who is largely ignored by the family and put to work doing various household chores like laundry, tree felling and auto repair. Oh, and Grandma is also required to have a bit of a mouth on her. If you have all of those components, then you have the "typical" family which consists of "real" people.

I don't see a lot of "real" people like that around in my "real" life. I think that's because if that were "really" someone's "real" life, they would have killed themselves by now. But for some reason (which, of course, is never explained to us), Bill and Jerry are staying with these folks to get an idea of what it's like to be real. As Jerry puts it, "You and I are a little out of it. You’re living in some kinda moon house hovering over Seattle like the mother ship. I’ve got so many cars I get stuck in my own traffic. We need to connect with real people." Thanks for reminding us of how rich you are. What's up with the next installment of Windows so we can all ditch that POS Vista?

That answer won't come for a while if this ad is any indication. While more enjoyable than the previous attempt at hip advertising, it was also more lengthy. Four and a half minutes. That's right; three times longer than the other POS. Look, if you're going to be showing me a commercial that is four and a half minutes long, it's going to have to have some of that Pixar animation going for it. The Toy Story guys, Shrek, I don't care, but it can't just have people. People? They're the worst!

Throughout the elongated attempt at what is supposed to be a 30 second commercial, there were plenty of opportunities to incorporate elements of Installment Number One into the ad. Sadly, none of those opportunities were taken. They missed out on the chance to do things like:

• When Jerry was explaining to Bill how they needed to "connect" with people,there was Bill still flexing the pleather shoe because, as we learned in Confusing, But At Least Not This Long, Episode One, the Conquistador shoe "runs a little tight". No mention of the Conquistador at all. (It would have been more amusing to have that Hispanic family that had been watching through the window of Shoe Circus to watch them from the window of this family's home. But no, that didn't happen. Shame.) They can't even connect with the elements of these commercials. How do they think that they're going to connect with "real people"?
  
  
• Not to spoil the ending, but the turning point is when the family heirloom (of six years), a leather giraffe from Cabo San Lucas, turns up missing. See, now what would have been funny is if the giraffe had been made of pleather. Like the Conquistador. But no, that didn't happen either. Shame.

Also, I noticed something odd when they had Chinese food delivered. The kid that delivers the Chinese food? Let's talk about him for a minute. Am I the only one who thinks that he looks like the illegitimate love child of Jerry and Bill (and Carrot Top, but that would make three people involved in an unnatural mating of the male species and frankly, that would start to get a little weird.). Seriously, look at that guy. Total combination of both Jerry and Bill. Thus, I was a little disappointed when they basically stiffed their little bastard and went back in the house to enjoy their far East fast all by themselves. I'm hoping it's some sort of foreshadowing for a future episode, but I can't imagine they're going to start getting all clever on us now.

And the only words that the Chinese food delivery Gates/Seinfeld hybrid love child utters during his delivery are words to again remind us that these guys have a lot of money that they earned from doing what they both do best (which is NOT star in commercials). He says, ""Whoa. Two of the most accomplished guys in their respected fields on earth. $39.75, dudes." Jerry paid the guy with a Greek coin. What, no tip, Mr. Funnyman Bazillionaire Dude?

When we mercifully get to the end of this endless ad, Jerry wants a sign from Bill about the future of something. He's not real clear (though he does mention a frog and a fish). Last time it was "adjust your shorts." This time it's "Gimme a little robot." (No, that is not a euphemism.) He should have just been able to say "Gimme the sign" and had Bill adjust his shorts. But no, instead we have Bill Gates doing the robot on an empty stretch of suburban road leading to...somewhere.

It would appear that we are going to be constantly reminded that Bill has connected over a billion people? We know that, but really, Bill doesn't even seem to care so much about that stuff these days. He's busy with his foundation and doing stuff that matters. I mean, the guy got us all started, we can't minimize that. He got the whole Windows/computer thing up and running and made us all a part of his world. A world that he had probably envisioned since birth. That's the guy, right there, the one doing the robot, who had the vision along with another guy (Hey, yeah, that's right. Where's Paul Allen during all of this? Eh, probably hanging out with Steve Wozniak.) that would change the world. And he did. And we all KNOW that. Tell us something we DON'T know, like if these things are going to start making sense.

So Bill does the robot as they are walking down the street towing their handy luggage on wheels behind them. Jerry asks, "Where are we walking to?" And Bill responds, "What about that pink house over there?" And then it ends with the words "PERPETUALLY CONNECTING" morphing together to form the word "PC" and then, thankfully it's over. Finally. My God, that was long. Four and a half minutes. Really? Look, Jerry, I know that you used to do that little show of yours about nothing for 30 minutes every week, but you had a supporting cast. And lots of jokes about masturbation and women's names that rhyme with a certain part of the female anatomy. But you've got none of that here (and I really don't think that we need any of that where ever Bill Gates is involved) and so four and a half minutes of you and Bill and a bunch of people we've never seen before is a bit much. Build up to that length of time gradually, please. You're only two into this ordeal. Which reminds me, how many of these are there going to be?

While some aspects of this ad were better than the last one, that's not saying much. The last one was pretty bad. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. My new BFF, Maria, over there at the LA Times Blog, wasn't real thrilled with either one of these advertising oddities either (and also wonders "Why do they keep reminding us, for example, about how much money Seinfeld and Gates have compared to ordinary people?" So it's not just me!) But now they're headed over to a pink house. Perhaps we'll run into John Mellencamp over there next. It couldn't hurt.

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Where Don't You Want To Go Today?

Not that I was looking for vindication or anything, but it's nice to know that I wasn't the only one who thought that Microsoft's ad with Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates (munching churros after shopping for pleather, size 10 Conquistador shoes at Shoe Circus) was absolutely, positively craptastic. What's not nice to know is that some people actually enjoyed it. Those are people who will believe the hype about anything. It doesn't matter what it is, if it's hyped enough before it actually happens, then to a certain group of people (the soft-headed, the gullible, Floridians, etc.) it will be the most amazing thing that they have ever seen. I blame those guys who made The Blair Witch Project. Duped the whole damn country with that promo.

But back to Tom Bill and Jerry. After the 90-second craptacular had aired, so many people were scratching their heads and thinking, "WTF was that?" that Microsoft released a statement that was supposed to explain WTF that was. And while it did explain WTF is was, it did not do a very good job of explaining WTF they were thinking. (Remember: $300 million in advertising for an ad campaign where one of the ads ends with Bill Gates shaking his tuckus like a geeky rabbit. That being said, I think that "WTF were they thinking?" is a totally appropriate question.)

(By the way, if you're expecting this explanation to be some sort of revelation, you're going to be really disappointed.)

The statement from Microsoft starts out with, "....some may wonder what Jerry Seinfeld helping Bill Gates pick out a new pair of shoes has to do with software. (SOME? You think only some were wondering that? No wonder you guys need help.) The answer, in the classic Seinfeld sense of the word, is nothing. (Wait. What?) Nevertheless, the spot is the first and most visible sign of an ambitious effort by Microsoft’s Windows business to reconnect with consumers around the globe." Um, huh. Well, I don't rightly know what to say about that. Other than, are you freaking kidding me?!

Picking out the shoes has nothing to do with software, but "nevertheless" it's the first sign that you are trying to reconnect with people? So, it doesn't matter what "the sign" is, as long as we know that you mean well, that's good enough? I've got news for you, Microsoft. It's not good enough. It's not even good. And I think we've had enough. Please tell us you've blown through that $300 million already so we won't have to be subjected to more of this ridiculousness. No such luck.

The statement from Microsoft is rather long. I'm thinking that if they had made their commercial about something instead of nothing, they wouldn't need a statement. I thought that's what the ad was supposed to do...make a statement. But apparently all the ad is supposed to do is cause people to get online (probably with their Mac) and try to figure out WTF they just saw. Completely opposite of most of the ads that I see. They're usually self explanatory and don't need CliffsNotes.

"The new campaign will highlight how Windows has become an indispensible part of the lives of a billion people around the globe -- not only on PCs but also now online and via mobile devices." Yep, they're right. That commercial had nothing at all to do with that. And thank goodness it didn't. I'd hate to think that crap was highlighting how "indispensible" Microsoft was in my life. You know what I DO find to be "indispensible", Microsoft? That's right, Spell Check! It's "indispensable", not "indispensible" like it appears in your carefully crafted PressPass Statement. (You're not doing yourself any favors here! You already have the non-mainstream comedian guy, a couple of churros and size 10 Conquistadors, which run tight! Clearly, you have your hands full with that debacle right there, you don't need to add spelling errors to the mix!)

"These initial ads are the first in a creative campaign....designed to spark a conversation about the Windows brand – a conversation that will evolve as the campaign progresses, but will always be marked by humor and humanity." Oh, the conversation has already evolved! From anticipation to dumbfoundedness. That's evolution for ya, baby. As far as the humor goes? Not so much. But, the humanity? Oh, the humanity! (I couldn't resist.)

A one Bill Veghte, who is the Senior Vice President for Microsoft Online Services & Windows Business Group., says, "Windows is entering a new chapter in our history. We’re renewing our commitment to consumers and working with our partners to deliver quality and value on the PC, across devices and across the Web.” Oh, yeah, you're definitely entering a new chapter in your history all right. I think this chapter will be called, "The Beginning of the End". Or maybe, "We Should Have Quit While We Were Ahead". Even, "Is Google Hiring?".

Microsoft also said that they were going to be "working with Circuit City and Best Buy to roll out "Windows-branded sales environments and store-within-a-store concepts" to compete with Apple's highly successful stores." So you guys finally realized that Apple might be onto something with that concept, eh? And you rolled out these ads with Jerry Seinfeld to compete against the "I'm a Mac" commercials of Apple's, too, right? OK, you're going to want to pay a little bit more attention to how they do things if you can't think of anything on your own, Microsoft. See, because the difference between the "I'm a Mac" ads and the "I like churros" ads is that the "I'm a Mac" ads are good.

I am predicting, at the very least, a small disaster. Not quite in the "What could possibly go wrong?" category just yet, but close. Maybe I'd put it in the "Hilarity did not ensue" category at this point. Because right now, that ad highlights what Microsoft is concerned about; that being that they're out of touch with the consumer. And while that commercial didn't exactly scream that they were in touch with the consumer, it was a completely unintentional reflection of how a lot of their products work. They work in a way that makes sense to those who work for Microsoft. The rest of the public, while not morons, gets a little frustrated that things just aren't straight forward and simple.

Again, I'm holding off any more judgment until I've seen at least one more episode of Bill and Jerry's Excellent Adventures. But if that one sucks too, there will be no mercy.

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