Thursday, March 3, 2011

So, Charlie Sheen is flipping out these days. If you haven't heard about it, all I can say is that I'm grateful that you came out from under your rock long enough to read this blog. You have priorities. I like that about you. And although he's still technically flipping out, he's calming down a bit from his peak of insanity. That was probably last week when he declared he was some sort of Vatican warlock who had something called tiger blood. He also said that dying was for losers and he wasn't going to be a part of it. OK, then.

But even before this past week, Sheen's life has been full of exciting antics. Let's see...I think it was about a year ago at Christmas time that he held a knife to his wife's throat on Christmas. Just this last October, he trashed a hotel room and scared his hooker du jour so much that she ended up naked in a closet. (In his defense, he did think that she had stolen his watch. So, that, of course, justifies everything.) Then in January he ended up in the hospital after a weekend of partying with hookers. He claims to have had a 'hernia'. If that's what they're calling partying too much when you're 45 years old, so be it. Oh, and he just admitted during some interview the other day that he used to smoke seven gram rocks of cocaine by himself when he was partying. I don't know if that's a lot, but since he seems really proud of himself, I'm going to assume that it's a lot.

He's quite the character, that Carlos Irwin Estevez. But in the past couple of weeks since the production of his ridiculously popular TV show, Two And A Half Men, has been shut down, his life is considerably tamer. Granted, he is living with two porn stars who he refers to as his 'goddesses'. But there doesn't seem to be any sort of drug use going on. That's because he asserts to have gone through his own 'home rehab' at his home (which, to my extreme delight, he has renamed "Sober Valley Lodge"). He's even passed a couple of whiz quizzes and he's clean as a whistle. So then why is it that just now, according to Pop Eater, "...major news organizations...have begun preparing obituaries for the unraveling-before-our-eyes star". What now?

Really? They're just getting around to that? The drug-fueled, hooker-in-the-closet incident wasn't enough to have them start penning his life story? According to the article, a CBS insider is quoted as saying, "No one is wishing the worst but as a news organization for us not to be prepared for one of the biggest stories in a long time would be unprofessional." Well, of course no one is wishing the worst! (Then again, it is sort of like a train wreck that is inevitable and you kind of wish that it would just crash and get it over with. Sometimes, suspense is a real bitch. And that includes when you're waiting for someone else's death.) But if you're going to talk about needing to be prepared, shouldn't you have started on this thing quite some time ago! He's clean right now, for cryin' out loud!

And look, while the news organizations may feel the need to be on a Charlie Sheen death watch, I don't see it happening anytime real soon. The guy parties like an animal. And for no real explainable reason, some people's bodies are just built to take that sort of abuse more than others. Look at Keith Richards. Why is that man still alive? How is that man still alive?! If there is ever a nuclear war, there will be two things that survive: Cockroaches and Keith Richards. (And quite frankly, the two are a little bit indiscernible right about now.) And that's just how it goes. But again, I feel the need to point out that he's not doing drugs right now! Where were your obituaries when he was smoking those seven gram rocks! Sure, it's great to be prepared, but you need to have something to be prepared for! And right now, that ship has sailed (and it probably has lots of porn stars aboard).

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3 comments:

Juliana said...

There is NO WAY he passed the drug test. He obviously used someone else's pee. You know I know what I'm talking about. Haha! He is heade for imminent death for sure.

Ima Wurdibitsch said...

A joke from an internet friend:

I hear there's a a new Batman movie in the works. It's going to star Mel Gibson as Batman, Charlie Sheen as Robin, and Lindsay Lohen as Batgirl. They're going to call it, "Batshit Crazy!"

Mare said...

I thought the same thing, Julie. I figured that he used the Whizzinator or something like that for his test. But he also let them take blood and that came back clean as well. Maybe he's drunk. Was alcohol one of the things that he was supposed to be getting help for? I don't know, but I know that he's losing it right before our eyes. And while it started out as awesome, it's beginning to get a little tiresome.

Awesome joke, Ima! I shall be retelling that at any opportunity that presents itself today! Thanks!

~ Mare