Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Royal Wedding Ridiculousness

If you're looking for a blog where the author is crazy into the upcoming royal wedding, you've come to the wrong place. Even if you're looking for a blog where the author gives just a half of a rat's ass about the upcoming royal wedding, you've come to the wrong place. I don't think it would be possible for me to care any less about the soon-to-be nuptials of a one Prince William and his future bride, Kate Something. But there are some people who are all over this outdated sort of crap. And there's plenty of ridiculous memorabilia to mark the occasion. Apparently, there are people who buy this sort of stuff. I don't know who, but considering that they're even interested in the royal wedding at all, I guess I wouldn't put anything past them. People like that should be closely watched at all times. The woman below, who allegedly has the largest collection of royal wedding memorabilia in the world, also allegedly has a jar of sweetened milk that allegedly contains one of Princess Diana's hairs. See? She should be watched. Closely. Very closely.


Are people still buying porcelain thimbles? You can buy a Kate What's-Her-Name one if you want. I guess it could come in handy if you lose the little silver one that comes with Monopoly. I don't see the point in a regular thimble, let alone a porcelain one.

Feel like a little break from your college classes and want to chuck a Frisbee around for a while until Poli-Sci 101 starts? You could own this lovely William and Kate Frisbee and prove to all of your buddies once in for all that you likely have no testicles. I don't even think that dogs at a dog park would chase that. Do you like things that are completely outdated? You know, like the outdated concept of having a king and queen to rule over the land? If so, then you're going to love this lovely royal wedding commemorative cell phone that looks to be a leftover from somewhere around the year 2000. Will you be so excited about the royal wedding that you're just going to have an impossible time curbing all of the carnal feelings that will surface? Do you hear the words "royal wedding" and immediately get turned on? If that's the case, you'll be happy to know that you can go shagging in royal wedding style with these lovely "Crown Jewels" condoms. According to the box, they are "Lavishly Lubed" and "Royally Ribbed". They make me majestically miffed. I wonder if the lady with the princess hair milk has these?

Want to do a little teabagging after the royal wedding? What's that? Teabagging means what?! Oh, good Lord! That's not what I was referring to! I was talking about a simple cup of tea with these barely recognizable William and Kate tea bags. Behold!


What's worse that regular garden gnomes? You guessed it. Weird, royal wedding garden gnomes. I'm really not sure why these are considered royal wedding memorabilia, as there is nothing that stands out about them for this particular occasion. Sure, we know their British by their distinctive hats, but there's really no indication as to who these gnomes might be portraying. Whatever. The people who buy this sort of stuff don't seem to have a lot of sense to begin with, so I doubt that it's going to matter to them.




And finally, I have run across two items that I could possibly see myself making some use out of. One of them I could see myself purchasing and the other one I could see myself using. First, the one that I would shell out my hard earned money for. It's an ale called Kiss Me Kate. I don't care what's on the outside of the bottle, beer is beer. It could be Jeffrey Dahmer Draft or Jared Loughner Lager and I'd still drink it.


And finally, the item that I would probably get the most use out of. It's a barf bag. You know. Just in case you've had about as much of this royal wedding talk as you can take and you find yourself throne up. It would probably also come in handy if that pun caused you to feel just a little bit nauseous there. I don't blame you.

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1 comment:

Scott Jacobs said...

I would totally own (and use) those condoms...