Worst Bridal Idea Ever

There are plenty of moronic ideas out there that I have never understood and likely never will. The pet rock. Head-On. (Come on, isn't that just Chap-Stick?) Spray-on hair. Geometry. But there are some things out there that are so absolutely, completely inexplicable (totally without splick) that it makes me wonder about mankind and how much longer it can sustain itself. If this product is any indication, I'm guessing about another 24 hours. Tops.

According to something called Marie Claire, there is a rather disturbing accessory that a bride can opt for on her wedding day. I say "rather disturbing" in the most offensive way that I can without flipping out over this. Don't get me wrong; it's not like I'm suddenly going to become objective or anything. But I do realize that sometimes it's hard for people to look past "Holy crap, can you believe this s---?!" So I went with "rather disturbing". You tell me what adjectives you would have used if someone suggested to you that a bride, in order to avoid having to spend a ton of time taking off her wedding apparel in the event of having to use the restroom, should wear a diaper? Wait. Wuck?

Correct. According to the Marie Claire article, there is actually a bridal diaper product. The purpose of said bridal diaper is what I alluded to above. In order to not have to completely disrobe should nature call on your wedding day, someone thinks that the reasonable solution is to wear a diaper and just piss yourself on your wedding day instead. Sure. That makes perfect sense. I can see why this is a thing.

The article states "After a quick Google search I found out that it’s not a joke. Some bridal shops do in fact sell bridal diapers." Holy canoli, are you dry shaving me? Apparently, they are not. (But even if they were, I'd imagine that it would be more pleasant than wearing a diaper underneath a wedding gown on one's wedding day.)

Now, that article found its way over to the folks at The Frisky and they, too, did some research. It doesn't make this story any less icky, though. They found out that "...in general, most brides who do this use regular ol’ adult diapers, but then put, like, frilly or satin diaper covers over them, like panties." Yeah, OK. Um, still wrong! Covered in frills or satin, it's still wrong.

The Frisky folks found that "A Google image search revealed a photo of this bride’s bottom, which sure looks like it has some excess cotton padding going on." Behold!

Yeah, OK. Um, that's just weird. I'm also going to agree with the Frisky folks when they say that they wouldn't exactly call this a trend. I wouldn't either. It's definitely not a trend. And I'm also going to agree with their saying that if even ONE person is doing this, that is disturbing. What better way to spend your wedding day! Standing around in your own filth! Sounds lovely! And romantic, too!

Don't do this. Don't ever do this. Don't even think of doing this. Buy some Head-On (which I think that we all can tell is a complete rip-off!) before you consider wearing an adult diaper underneath your wedding dress! Do anything before you consider wearing an adult diaper underneath your wedding dress! And by "anything", I mean get yourself some therapy is this was on your list of considerations. The saying doesn't go "Something old. Something new. Something borrowed. And some poo." That's not how it goes at all.

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Bulgarian Brides Being Bought

It's a tricky thing to get married...in some parts of the world. But apparently not so tough in Bulgaria, provided you have a few thousand euros lying around that you're willing to part with in exchange for a teenage gypsy bride, yours to keep as your...new....wife. Wait. What?

According to Mail Online over yonder in the UK, this oddity of oddities "...takes place on the first Saturday after the start of the orthodox Easter fast - the Day of Saint Todor, or Horse Easter." Ah, yes! Horse Easter! I remember it well. Almost like...almost like...almost like I've never heard of that term in my entire life. WTH are they doing over there in Bulgaria, for cryin' out loud?! Horse Easter?? What the heck is Horse....

....Easter. Oh. Never mind. So...Bulgaria! Um, yeah, they do this thing every year where a bunch of the locals, er, villagers...whatever they are...Bulgarians! That's it! The Bulgarians gather with their teenage daughters in tow at what basically amounts to an open-air bride market. (Sort of like a farmer's market. Only instead of ears of corn, there are teenage girls. It's practically the same!) The Mail Online says "At the market in the village of Mogila near Stara Zagora, the price of a beautiful young woman is said to be several thousand levs/euros." (I'm guessing that price also includes any future dental work for your...teenage....bride....pirate? "Argh! Please pay plenty of dubloons for me daughter. Argh!" What's with the gold tooth, ladies?)

Wow. I wonder what the less than beautiful women go for. (Maybe they just trade those ears of corn.) I understand it's a different culture and all of that and people do different things all over the world. But why would you basically put your daughter up for sale? Fortunately, Elena from Kapitan Andreevo answered that very question. 'We take our daughters to this gathering so they could get acquainted with boys, for we do not allow our children to go to discos." Right. Because allowing your daughter to go to a "disco" would just be wrong! Of course. It's all clear to me now.

When a suitable buyer is found for said teenage maiden, that is said to be cause for celebration. "One newly-wed couple bellydanced on top of an old car to show their happiness at finding a match."

I like how they put the plaid blanket down on top of the car, presumably to prevent it from getting footprints. Though I am starting to become concerned that these folks have their priorities just a little bit out of order. Not that a shiny car top isn't important! That's not it. But when the footprints that you're worried about are a direct result of the celebration that has broken out because you have just sold your daughter to the highest bidder? Just take a minute or two and rethink things, that's all I'm saying.

What if these folks decide to go all hi-tech on us one of these days? We could start seeing these teenage brides-to-be popping up on eBay and craigslist! It's unfortunate that the Mail Online article didn't mention just how many of these girls ended up being sold at the end of the day. Or how many of the girls were of the caliber of those pictured. That's the number that would make all the difference, really. Because if the photos here are an accurate representation of the average participant of this event, I might not be as concerned as I was when I first heard about this. There might not be much to be concerned about at all. Nope.

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