Arrrr!

Arrrrr, matey! That's correct. The day you've been waiting for (or are just learning about) is finally here. It has finally bestowed itself upon us! Today, September 19, as it is every September 19 (and has been since 1995) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrrr. Avast! Arrrgh again!

Now, I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "WTF is Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrgh?" That's pretty much the initial reaction from most people, from what I can tell. Here's the scoop: Back in 1995 a couple of regular guy guys, John Baur and Mark Summers, just started talking pirate talk whilst playing racquetball one day. (No, they're not gay lovers. And never were. Or will be.) After noticing how the pirate talk made the game go by faster while at the same time making it all the more entertaining, the boys decided that there should be an entire day where everyone just speaks like a pirate. (Guys are very into formalizing crazy ideas they come up with. It seems as if that strategy makes their ideas all the more valid. Thus, if there is a specific day for something, well, you have to do it. It's what the day is for, right? Right.)

For reasons that even they don't get, they settled on September 19 because that is the day of Mark's ex-wife's birthday and he felt that was a day he could recall easily. Go figure. And so Talk Like A Pirate Day was kind of born. I say "kind of" because for about 6 years after that, the guys pretty much celebrated it on their own. Just two guys, talking crazy pirate talk together, with or without a racquetball. It wasn't until 2002 when they managed to get hold of Dave Barry's email address and write to him about their day. Their idea was that he would be their national spokesman for TLAPD. And Dave Barry, being Dave Barry and all, thought it was a fabulous idea (even though he used the term "very excellent"). Next thing they know, Dave Barry writes a column about TLAPD which appears in the Miami Herald and an obscure, but fun as hell, quasi-holiday was born.

TLAPD is celebrated in several, yes several different countries and continents including Antarctica (don't ask. I didn't. Frozen pirates. Brrr!). And just in case you're not up on all of your pirate-ese, the Pirate Guys (as they are now known), John (also known as Ol' Chumbucket") and Mark (also known as "Cap'n Slappy"), have a website http://www.talklikeapirate.com/ where they give you tips, answer questions, have pirate vocabulary (in English AND in German!) and have way, way, way more information on this thing that I ever thought there could be. (It's speakin' like a freakin' pirate, for cryin' out loud and...and...shiver me timbers or something like that! How much could there be? A lot, matey. A freaking lot.)

Here's what I've learned:

• Lots of pirate words start with the letter "A". Avast! Ahoy! Aye! Aye aye! And my personal favorite, Arrrr!! No word on why that is, matey.
  
  
• These guys had way too much time on their hands. I have never seen anything so inclusive as their website in my life. Everything you could have ever wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. Everything you never wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. It's incredible. These guys are some thorough, thorough pirates. Aarrrr!
  
  
• There are several hundred pictures of several hundred different individuals, in various forms of dress and costume, who are celebrating TLAPD in the years past. And while it is TALK Like A Pirate Day, many of the folk seem to think that also means that it is DRESS Like A Pirate Day. Thankfully, you do not have to dress like a pirate to participate in these festivities. But you might find yourself wanting to.


• People really, really, really get into the whole pirate-speak thing on this day. I mean they really get into it. So much in fact that it makes me glad this thing is only once a year. Otherwise I'd fear that there would be a rush of people chopping off one leg at the knee and hopping around on their good leg and a Louisville Slugger with a parrot on their shoulder. That would be bad. And frightening.


• Using the Pirate Name Generator to get your very own pirate name is quite fun. Somehow, I ended up being Mad Ned the Executioner. And you don't have to stop at just names for pirates. You can use the Pirate Ship Name Generator and get a name for your pirate ship. I ended up with the Horrid Buccaneer.


• And speaking of buccaneers (or just using any excuse I can to throw in this joke from the Pirate Guys), "A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

The guys even realized that pirates must need a little bit of lovin' (or booty, as a pirate might say. Arrr!) and on their website they provide the Top Ten Pirate Pick Up Lines. You know, just in case the scurvy hasn't set in yet from those months at sea, surrounded by your mates and wenches. Those wenches can look mighty good when you're delirious and your internal organs are starting to shrivel up due to a lack of fresh water. So if you find yourself in that very situation and are at a loss for words, you can always fall back on their list:

• 10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
  
• 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
  
• 8. Come on up and see me urchins.
  
• 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
  
• 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
  
• 5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
  
• 4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
  
• 3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
  
• 2. Well blow me down?
  
• And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
  
• 1. Prepare to be boarded.

And just because they're pirates (sort of), that doesn't mean that they discriminate. Oh, no. No, no! Arrr! Far from it! Aye! They have the Top Ten Pick Up Lines for the Lady Pirates as well.

• 10. What are YOU doing here?
  
• 9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
  
• 8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
  
• 7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
  
• 6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
  
• 5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
  
• 4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
  
• 3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
  
• 2. RAMMING SPEED!
  
• ...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
  
• 1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Yeah, I'll definitely be giving some of these a shot. It can't hurt. And even if it did, well, that might be good in this case. Arrr!

Now, look, I'll be the first to admit, I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard of when I first got wind of it. Arrr! But I have to tell you....it grows on you. Quickly. And it is fun as hell! Arrr! Give it a shot. You'll be amazed at how quickly it catches on with co-workers after they're assured that it's a real thing and that at that very moment, people all over the world are speaking pirate and they should too! And they will. (Just make it clear that it's OK, and they'll do it. Trust me. Those co-workers of yours? Gullible as veal calves.) You'll thoroughly enjoy yourself, I promise. Arrr!

Now avast, ye land lubber! (Or something like that.) Go smartly back to thy cubicle with the rest of the bilge rats and sneak yourself a swill of grog. And then hurry up and get those pants off! Talk Like A Pirate Day only lasts for twenty four hours! And I can't think of a better way to spend it than swilling a little grog me self with another pantless pirate. Arrr!

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The Odd Evolution of Humor

Humor, apparently, evolves over time. And it's a good thing too, because at first they didn't quite have the hang of the whole humor-should-be-funny concept. Not at all.

The witty guy over there at Dave - The Home of Witty Banter (shocking that his name is Dave, I know) says that they "spent two months trawling the annals of history to produce the first report of its kind into the world's oldest recorded jokes." Now, while I don't doubt them for a minute, I have no idea how you would go about finding this sort of material. I mean, if it had it's own category, we could look it up on our own (provided we were actually bored enough to ponder something like this). So I'd have to guess that it's sort of dispersed throughout other accounts of history, but I still don't quite get how. Is there a break in the discussion about the causes of the Peloponnesian War where they throw in a couple of ancient "Knock-knock" jokes to lighten the load a bit? I don't get it.

But that's why I'm not Dave. He gets it. Or, at least, he got it. And I'm glad he did because if the ten oldest ones that he found are any indication of how the rest of the jokes in history turned out, it would be a horrible topic to research. But that's just mainly because if you're researching humor, you're going to expect things to be funny. It's just how it works. But when you find out that, aside from lacking the basic essentials that keep humans alive today (the Internet, porn, etc.) the ancient people had a different idea of what was "funny". That is to say, they found "not funny" to be hilarious.

The oldest joke comes from somewhere between 1900 BC and 1600 BC and was found in the Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13 (that according to Dave. I have NO idea what that means.). The joke goes like this: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap." That's it. It's over. Are you laughing? No? Dang. I was kind of hoping you were so that you could explain it to me. Not only is it not funny, it's nonsensical as well. (They really should have looked into that Internet thing a bit more.)

The next oldest joke was from 1600 BC on the Westcar Papryus. (Yes! The Westcar Papryus! I could hardly believe it myself! Mainly because I have NO idea where or what that is, but there's a picture of it to the right here.) That joke goes: "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish." See what I mean? While better than the Sumerian Proverb above it, still not funny. Sensical, but dumb. Is that an improvement? Maybe, but it's not a very good one.

From 1200 BC we have what doesn't read so much like a joke as it does a weird math story problem. "Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon's load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon's load. Problem: Who owns the calf?!" Oh, the troubles of the folk in 1200 BC. They would have killed to have our modern day trivial dilemmas like nuclear war and world famine.

100 years later in 1100 BC over there in Egypt, they came up with this one: "A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, "I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye." And she answered him: "Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?" And really? He probably had.

I'm skipping ahead a little here. Still in Egypt but this time we're joshing around in the Ptolemaic Period between 304 BC and 30 BC. This time, ancient wisdom tries to masquerade as humor. "Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey - his purse is what restrains him." Well, if the man has a purse, that wouldn't really so much restrain him as it would deter others from wanting to copulate like said donkey with the man. Purses? Not very manly.

Now, around 300 AD - 400 AD is when the Philogelos finally start getting the hang of it. "Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said "I've had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died." All right, I'll admit it, I find that amusing. It's one of those jokes that's just silly. So silly that it makes it funny. It's that component that compels me, even to this day, moments before I turn 40, to interject, "Then don't do that" after someone says, "It hurts when I do this." Then hilarity ensues. (Why, yes, I do enjoy Laffy Taffy.)

So they started off horrible, progressed to bad, then started to make sense, added a purse and then became funny. It's evolution right before your very eyes! And it's led us to where we are today! In a world where funny actually is funny. And I, for one, am thrilled that it is. If it weren't, I'd be looking for a new gig, that's for sure.

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