You Can't Review What You Haven't Seen

I am constantly amazed by the incredible myriad of idiocy that I have to choose from every day in order to write something in this little box. And for today, from the file of "Who Thinks This Is A Good Idea?" and under the sub-heading "Who Thought Up This S*** In The First Place" we have this: Movie reviews by people who have not seen the movie.

I kid you not. I am not dry shaving you. This is a real thing. I was checking out Fandango.com yesterday because I wanted to read the reviews for the newly released Mars Needs Moms. Regardless of what the reviews turned out to be, I had planned on seeing this movie because it is based on the book by the incredibly amazing and insanely talented, not to mention rather the witty and quick with a quip Berkeley Breathed. If you're unfamiliar with Mr. Breathed's work, I suggest you stop whatever you're doing right now and wonder what you've really accomplished in your life up to this point. The answer should be "Not nearly enough, as I have missed out on the awesome humor and keen insight of the Bloom County comic strips and the subsequent Sunday strips, Outland and Opus." In short, your life has been wasted. But there's still time to save it! (Not much time, really, but I try to be optimistic in situations like these.)

So there I am at Fandango and I click on the Reviews tab. As I began to read, I noticed that some of the reviews were strangely opinionated. So much so that it was if they hadn't seen the movie at all. And that is when I discovered that they hadn't. See, Fandango let's you review movies if you haven't seen them. I have absolutely NO idea why that would be. I am open to suggestions, however. What good does someone's opinion of something that they've never seen do for me? Not a thing, I'm thinking. But let's look at some of the reviews by people who have never seen it and see if I'm wrong. Maybe there IS something to be learned from people merely giving an opinion based on pure speculation gained from doing nothing. (There won't be, but play along, will ya? I need to draw this post out a little bit.)

Let's see...oh! Here we go. Here's one that reads: "I am so excited about this movie! It is going to be hilarious!! I love the book, so this should be epic!!! Yay! :) " Um, OK? Yeah, I loved the book too, but that doesn't mean anything. You know what other books I loved? The Cat In The Hat. The Firm. How The Grinch Stole Christmas. The DaVinci Code. Were they epic? Hardly. Were they hilarious? Kind of, but they weren't supposed to be, so that really wasn't a selling point. What boggles me ever more is that four out of six people found this "review" to be helpful. Helpful? In what way?! She hasn't seen it yet! She's merely excited! THAT is "helpful" to some folks? For cryin' out loud...(Then again, four out of nine people found a review that simply read "No no no!" to be helpful, so I think it's fair to say that we're beyond help at this point.)

Next we have: "Havent seen it yet but i just no its going to be tbe biggest peice of crap anyone is ever going to see so dont watch it." This individual is apparently a cinematic clairvoyant. Too bad that all of the studios can't just hire him to look at a poster of a movie that they've made and give his opinion on the degree to which it will be a piece of crap. (ie, Big, bigger or, in this case, biggest.) And if he says that he can no that it will be such a sizeable piece of poo without having watched it, who are we to not heed his warnings?

Here is more speculation, only this time, it appears to come from a child. "I think it'll be a so so movie. I think the idea is a little too crazy, but I think people will enjoy it. It'll be good for moms because the kids ( about my age ) will learn to obey their moms. For the kids, I think they will love it for it's humor. I'm not completely sure about that, but I'll just have to go to find out!!!!" Really? You think the idea of a kid having to go to Mars to save his mother who has been kidnapped by Martians is a little too crazy, do you? Interesting. I'd never thought of that. (This is really wearing me out more than I had anticipated.)

From someone who seems to have just barely mastered the English language (and perhaps, even more recently, his way around a keyboard): "Don't go. This movie doesn't look that good to watch. I mean, I've seen many cartoons and most are good. I just don't think this one will be as good." Lots of cartoons are good. Some cartoons are bad. This one doesn't look good. Well, it doesn't look as good. Well, it doesn't look that good. To watch, of course. Maybe it's good if you're not watching it. But this looks bad. (Isn't this review kind of like saying, "I've had food. Most food is good. But that food doesn't look like it will be good food. Don't eat it. Even if you think it looks like something you'd like. It could be bad food that you won't like.") Never mind that it's not really a cartoon. I'm just thankful that no one found that 'review' to be useful.

And finally, from the Ironic Chastising Department: "People are funny. They write a bad review or rate a movie bad when they haven't even seen it.. Who writes a bad review based off the movie poster you're just an idiot. Go see the movie then you're allowed to say something. I'm sure this movie will be good and I'm sure the rating will change when people actually go watch it." Go to the movie and then say something. But make sure that you write your 'review' telling people that you're sure it will be good before you go see it. Yeah, sure. That makes sense.

Really, I didn't care what the reviews were, as I was going to see it regardless because I can't imagine not seeing anything that Berkeley Breathed does. (To say that I am a huge fan of the man would not even do my fandom justice. I met him for the first time just a couple of years go and I almost cried. OK, I cried a little bit in line while I was waiting. But I managed to compose myself by the time I got up there, lest he thought I was the star-struck moron that I was trying so desperately to hide.) But I was just amazed that reviews for something that someone hasn't even watched are allowed on a movie site. I could see if it were someone's two-bit blog or some crap like that. (In case you were wondering, this blog is clearly at least three-bit, so don't start expecting inane movie reviews to be popping up any time soon.) But on a site that is supposed to be giving information, not speculation, about movies? I find it asinine and annoying. And you can expect my full review of Mars Needs Moms after I've seen it.

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Goodnight, My Little Friend

Awwww, CRAP! I knew it, I just knew it! I was so freaking excited for the election to almost be here so that it can be done already, that I kind of, sort of, but not totally (but almost) forgot that I was going to hate this weekend that we just had. On Sunday, the last of Berkeley Breathed's comic strip Opus was published. That's it. He says he's done. Granted, he's done this to me twice before; once when he stopped drawing Bloom County (but I don't know if that counts because he immediately took up drawing Outland only on Sundays, so I wasn't totally deprived) and once again when he stopped drawing Outland. The latter gave me approximately eight years of naive, flightless waterfowl deprivation (and/or depravity, depends on who you ask. And what my mood was on a given day. Sometimes, it's just not pretty.). But this time feels different.

Breathed says that the way things are going in this country, well, he doesn't exactly see the future as all sardines and dandelions (two of a penguins favorite things). He says that the gloom and doom that is in the future awaiting us mere mortals will negatively affect his humor and his drawing and, ultimately, the deposition of the one beloved, Opus. And I'll give the guy this: He's always done what has been best for Opus and what has been the best for the strip. Without the breaks that he needed and without his different methods of artistically creating the weekly panels (he quit doing Outland so that he could learn how to paint. Good thing, too. He's fabulous at it.), the strip could have ended up in a largely unfunny rut, not unlike those of Cathy, Garfield and any other comic strip whose characters look the exact same way that they did 25 or 30 years ago. And while it pains me greatly to say this (and it only pains me greatly in this instance. It's not like I can't say this at other times. I swear!), he was right and he did the right thing both times before and :::gulp::: I guess he's doing the right thing now. Dammit!

In an email that he wrote to the AP, (which I'm sure that he knew would neither appease, nor satisfy anyone) he said, "I'm destroying the village to save it. In this case, a penguin... We are about to enter a rather wicked period in our National Discourse ... bad enough to make what we're in right now seem folksy and genteel. The ranting side of my cartooning impulse will destroy the thing that makes Opus comfortable for his readers. And me....A mad penguin, like a mad cartoonist, isn't very lovable. I like him the way he is now."

So the thing was that the little penguin who I have grown to love (as if it were my alter ego or a circus freak worthy extra appendage) needed to end up somewhere. It's the "where" that has been in question for the past couple of months. Rumor had it he was going to be imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay! But I just couldn't see it. When Breathed was asked if he had a message or anything to say for folks who would miss Opus, he said, "He's me....I'd like to think he will still be found, in a sense." Yeah, see, I met Breathed once about a year ago. No way is that guy going to have himself end up in Guantanamo Bay. He's far too....cartoonist-y for that. You know, the "indoor/desk job" kind of a guy (perhaps at the Bloom Picayune). I'm not saying he looks wimpy or anything, but he sure doesn't look like he could hang at Guantanamo with Cheney and his boys, that's all.

So considering trusting Opus with Breathed was like trusting Breathed with Breathed, I felt OK that he'd end up in a very pleasant spot, one that would be fitting for my little pear-shaped, big beaked friend. After my initial freak out session (upon learning of the ending of the Opus strip), I managed to calm my destitute state of mind by reminding myself to "never say never". And those that say "never" rarely mean "never". And while Breathed didn't exactly say "never" he did say it was over for good. "For good" is like two words that mean "never". So he'll leave himself an out, won't he? I've been reading his damn comic strips for over twenty five years! There had better be a bloody out! Sir! (Don't want to offend the only one who is capable of giving the out.)

And there was. There was an out. True to his word and to his penguin and to himself, Breathed ended the publicly chronicled comic in a way that worked for me. (Yes, this one is all about me. That's right.) Opus was safe and warm and comfy and happy and all of the things that he has always been...on the inside. Sometimes, it was hard for others (in the strip) to get that about him. Mostly they just thought of him as a big-schnozzed, turnip twaddling, dimwit with such an inflated sense of naivete about him that you wondered how he made it through each day. And while he was, in fact, a big-schnozzed, turnip twaddling, dimwit who was incredibly naive about everything around him, inside...well, inside he was this lovable little penguin who valued and appreciated his friends, longed for his family and loved those who loved him too. (And he had a thing for the women in the strip as well. The bigger the bimbette, it seemed, the more frantic the antic.) Hmmm...he sounds vaguely familiar to me.

In the ::::gulp::::: final strip, Breathed gave us two parts. The first part was published on whatever web page you read it on. It had Steve Dallas (who, without his glasses on, looks remarkably like one cartoonist who decided to pull the plug on a lovable little penguin that did nothing but make him rich and happy!) finding a bag of Opus's things (including a copy of To Kill A Mockingbird, his 'Gone To Rio' fruit basket hat and an aerosol can of Right Guard) at the County Animal Shelter. And he reaches in and pulls out....

We don't know. Because then we are directed to the Humane Society's web page to get the rest of the story and find out where he is! Hey, Breathed! It's not Where's Waldo?! It's "What the hell is wrong with you? Ending the strip like this?!" (Breathe. Breathe. Much better. Thanks. That really works wonders.) ANY-way, so when we head over the the Humane Society's web page, we find that Steve is looking at the book Goodnight, Moon. (I loved that book when I was little!) And at the end, there's Opus, tucked in bed with the bunny next to him. And in the corner it reads,

Goodnight Opus.

Goodnight air.

Goodnight noises everywhere.

Now, if you'll excuse me for a minute, I have something in my eye.

Wait. What? Another web site? For cryin' out loud! Yes, from there you can go to Breathed's web site where he provides some glimpse into some of the guesses that readers had as to how the strip would end and where Opus would be. Surprisingly enough (to me, at least) 55 people guessed that he would end up in Goodnight Moon. That's amazing. (Me, personally, I was thinking/hoping dandelion patch.) He offered these words for those of us in despair:

Opus is napping. He sleeps in peace, dreaming of a world just ahead brimming with kindness and grace and ubiquitous bow ties.

Please don't mourn him. He lives in all my childrens' stories, if you look. I hope to meet you again there.

Thank you, truly, for coming along with us on Opus' twenty eight year journey.

--Berkeley Breathed

I wasn't real thrilled about the "He sleeps in peace" line there. (Sounds too much like "Rest in peace". And we all know what that means. That would mean he's not coming back to satisfy my selfish, selfish desire for him to do just that!) But it was nice enough. And I really liked that he's just "napping". (Naps are freaking GREAT. Highly underrated, they are. Just ask anyone who partakes in the occasional weekend nap, preferably in a hammock out back! They'll tell you how great they are.) You can wake up from a nap (if all goes well). I have the feeling we'll see him again someday. When the gloom and doom and darkness and despair have lifted. Then it will be safe for him again.

I'm not much a fan of the goodbye in general. I don't like it so much when things I like have to go away. Sure, sometimes (like now. Grrr.....Thanks, Breathed!) it's inevitable and you can't do much about it. But whether it's inevitable or maybe not inevitable, and you really, really don't want it (or that or them or her) to go away, you'd do just about anything if it meant that whatever or whoever it was could still be around. But whether something or someone stays or not might not be up to you. And that's when you just have to suck it up and say goodbye. (I shall begin the up sucking now. I have the feeling I might need the practice.)

So, goodbye, my little friend. Your indelible tattoo that I have had inked on me for the past twenty-one years will continue to live on until my own demise (which will likely be much less pleasant than yours was). Thanks for the amusement and the insight that you've given me over the time we've known each other (especially in that past couple of hours). I shall think of you from time to time and always keep a safe, warm, and happy place for you anytime you want it. And obviously, I will miss you. Enjoy your nap.

Goodbye, my little friend.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have something in my eye again.

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For The Third Time Already, Shoo!

Only two other times in my life have I been as near to completely inconsolable as I am today. And both of the other two times? The same reason. The same damned reason. And at the moment, I'm either a little bit hopeful that things might turn out differently or I'm feeling totally screwed (and not in a good way). But after the events of the past four or five weeks, the hope is diminishing. Rapidly. Why? Because once again (dammit!) my nightmare has come true. Berkeley Breathed is retiring. And he's taking Opus with him. Dammit!

For those who have been living under a rock or just living in a land without comic strips (or naive penguins who wear bow ties, yet forgo pants), Berke Breathed (rhymes with Work Method) is the author, illustrator, God-like Creator of the comic strips Bloom County (awesome), Outland (lots of Bill the Cat) and the currently, but not for much longer, running Sunday-only strip, Opus. From these fine, oddly ingenious strips came characters such as Bill the (dead) Cat, Steve Dallas, Milo, Binkley, Oliver Wendell Jones, and of course, Opus, the beloved and naive penguin and main draw of the gravy train that Breathed came up with back in 1980.

And why, WHY is Breathed doing this to us AGAIN? (He stopped doing Bloom County in 1989. He then immediately began doing Outland, another Sunday-only strip seemingly meant to placate those of us who were curled up in our respective corners and sobbing gently to ourselves. OK, we were hysterical and looking for ammo, but gently sobbing sounds so much more...not psychotic. He stopped doing Outland in 1995. Then in 2003 he started Opus, which he is now ready to yank from underneath our once stupidly grinning existence. Yet AGAIN!) I'll tell you why. (Like I was going to keep it a secret at this point?) The government. Wait. What?

You know, the way things are going right now, what with the Speaker of the House being a cold blooded reptile disguised as Nancy Pelosi, and with our financial system crumbling beneath the feet of seemingly clueless members of committees that were supposed to oversee things to make sure that this very thing did not happen, and with a sitting President who one could legitimately argue is mildly retarded (at best!), and with people in other countries who want to kill us (and we, the kill-ees, responding to their hatred of us by giving them bazillions of dollars for their oil as we bend over to do so), well, it's not looking real good. Breathed sees the same thing. It all just proves my belief that too much government will eventually ruin everything. And once it has, it will ruin comic strips next. Those bastards.

According to the folks over there at the AP (who feel the need to include a little map with every article, even if the map only points out where the AP is located), Breathed "wants to save his strip's main character, Opus, from being dragged down in the current political climate." Sooooo...wait. He's doing it to save my little pengy? Well, it would seem so. He wrote an email to The Associated Press in which he said, "I'm destroying the village to save it. In this case, a penguin ... We are about to enter a rather wicked period in our National Discourse ... bad enough to make what we're in right now seem folksy and genteel. The ranting side of my cartooning impulse will destroy the thing that makes Opus comfortable for his readers. And me. A mad penguin, like a mad cartoonist, isn't very lovable. I like him the way he is now." And that's all fine and good, but I must point out to you sir that "the way he is now" is in my G-D newspaper every Sunday!!! Whoops. Sorry about that. I'm not well.

And here's where it starts to get depressing. Again! He says that "This time the ending is really for good, if not his own. Breathed believes the tone of America's public and political discourse is headed in a dark direction, with the next president — whoever is elected — facing problems that will 'belie palatable solutions.' Inevitably, he said that would color his art." Well, art does have to be colored if it's going to be on Sundays, but I see his point.

And while I do appreciate him trying to save the penguin and his own sanity, I just wish that there was some...other....ah, who am I kidding? There's not. There's no other way to preserve what he has created and maintained in its current form with the way that things are shaping up. You see it. I see it. He sees it. But no one's going to talk about it. And if no one talks about it and it needs to be talked about, that would leave only one left who could talk about it and that would be Opus. And then he'd turn into the equivalent of a rabid penguin, without treatment, with lots of mouth foam, and also with a bitter, bitter taste in his mouth (from all the rabidness, of course).

(You should be able to click on the strip below to see it in a larger, more readable size.)

See, it's one thing to make fun of something and satirize it when it's ridiculous, inexplicable or inane. It's another thing to make fun of something that is downright scary and/or frightening. That's the thing about incompetence. You really can't rely on it to be harmless for too long. Too much incompetence and you'd have a scenario that looks remarkably like how things are going today. And that can't be good. OK, now I'm really starting to see his point.

I can see two half-assed positives in this whole ordeal. The first is that Breathed isn't disappearing completely. (Not that a lot of people would even know if he had. The guy is as reclusive as Howard Hughes. With the money but without the wooden airplanes, of course.) According to the AP, he'll still be writing his children's books (which are merely characters that look similar to those that I love with the same sort of thinking patterns, ie, naive, but rational, and the same humor, just toned down to the level that a small, yet intelligent child would enjoy.). The AP article also says that he'll be pursuing "writing screenplays". (The last time he was involved with a movie which would star Opus, he was working with the Weinstein brothers who were unable to grasp the concept of the talking penguin and other talking animals, needing to know how and why they talked and why humans could understand them. Apparently, "they just can" isn't good enough for the Weinsteins. Thus, that project came to a grinding halt.)

The other half-assed positive that I can see in this is that there aren't a whole lot of comic strips out there right now that are great. When Breathed first quit drawing Bloom County, it was really the first time that a cartoonist had wised up to the fact that he could actually STOP drawing. Until then, they all just assumed they were chained to their drawing board until grim death (which they wished for in the later years) would come and take them away. Next thing you know, you've got the most awesome comic strips ever dropping like flies because their illustrators figured if the Bloom County guy could do it (only two freaking years after he won the Pulitzer Prize), so could they. Next thing you know, my newspaper is without Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes and then it was without Gary Larson's The Far Side. Yeah, thanks for that, Berke. But without any great strips out there right now, I don't foresee this to be a problem. (And if they quit, they quit. What do I care? I just said they weren't great.)

The last strip is November 2, just two days before the election, so he'll be safely tucked away before the new and improved chaos begins a mere 48 hours or so later. And while I'd hate to see the last 30 years of the hilarious naivete that Opus exemplifies be taken over by the Dark Side, it's still hard to let him waddle off into the...hey, where's he going anyway? Oh, that's right. Breathed is having some contest where readers can guess how it will turn out (he'd better be in that dandelion patch with the rest of the gang and his long long mother!). He'll announce that event for his comic strip that appeared in the newspaper, online after the last strip has ran on the 2nd. Seems a little strange to me, but I'll just blame the government again. (It's so easy and oddly satisfying.)

Be well, my little friend. And thanks.

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