Sunday, February 27, 2011

Step Away From The Chicken

I think that it's safe to say that most of us here have been drunk at one point or another. Like Thursday, for example. But timelines aside, I think that for those of us who have been overserved (by ourselves or by the kindness of others), we've all done things that we weren't exactly overly proud of the next day. And while I might have had some...interesting antics, I've gotta say that I have never been so drunk that I defiled the poultry section of a Kroger. Wait. You never...what now?

You heard me. I never defiled the poultry section of a Kroger. Then again, I am not a one 58-year old (and old enough to know better) Jerry Patterson of North Little Rock, Arkansas. According to MSNBC, "Police were called to the (Kroger) to investigate a report of a drunk man who was being verbally aggressive with store workers." You know, the being aggressive with other folks really isn't compulsory drunken behavior. Why must so many people behave as if it is? Be happy drunks! Don't be mean. Mean behavior only results in the cops being called and you likely going to jail.

When the cops got there, they found what many would consider to be your typical drunken symptoms. The unsteadiness on one's feet. The reeking of alcohol. The incredibly bloodshot eyes. And in this case, they also found an individual with a recently emptied bladder and ham breath. You see, it would appear that Mr. Patterson had allegedly "...urinated on $500 worth of chicken". Five hundred dollars worth? That's an awful lot of chicken. If it weren't so disgusting, I'd be pretty impressed.

The police report also indicted that Mr. Patterson "...also ate a large package of ham". OK, see, the chicken peeing? That I don't get. Being famished when drunk? I totally get that. There's something about all of the drunkenness that makes feel as if they are absolutely starving. And that's when everything sounds good. Hershey bars dipped in marinara sauce? Delicious. Frozen fish stick sliders (with the fish sticks still slightly frozen)? Awesome. Low-fat potato chips dipped in a jar of pre-made gravy? Breakfast! The behavior itself is totally understandable and acceptable. The arena in which this chap chose to practice this behavior, while still understandable, is not quite as acceptable as when you're doing it in the comfort of your own drunken palace.

Mr. Patterson was arrested and charged with a variety of offensive offenses, including "...public intoxication, theft of property, and criminal mischief." Criminal mischief? Geez, I'd say! I wonder when he ate the ham? Do you think he was peeing at the time of the ingestion of one of the tastiest of all of the cured and salted meats? Sometimes when you're drunk you get really obsessed with multi-tasking. Maybe he thought that he'd just go to the store, get something to eat and relieve himself all at the same time. And it worked, but it got him arrested in the process. Always thinking ahead. Always. And never pee on the chicken in the grocery store. Once you get home with your chicken, you can do whatever you'd like to it. Just don't get caught and don't be telling me about it. Weirdo.

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Scott Jacobs said...

"I never defiled the poultry section of a Kroger."

Oh well aren't you just fucking superior then.

Mare said...

Absolutely. Superior. =)

~ Mare