Sunday, February 6, 2011

Reasons To Wear A Helmet When Protesting

If you're going to riot and try to overthrow a government, you'd better be prepared. Sure, you get there with a full head of steam and that's a good start. But you've really got to bring your A-game. Er, your A-riot. You also have to bring your rioting stuff. Aka, your gear or your equipment. From what I can tell, over there in Egypt, that would amount to a lot of rocks. After you have your gear, there's a procedure that you must follow. You're going to take your rocks and you're going to throw them. Got it? Good. Now, while you're throwing said rocks amongst the unsaid chaos that is erupting, your goal will be two-fold. Fold One: Try to get your rock to hit whatever the target that you have determined is. Fold Two: Try not to get hit with rocks from other people on the opposing side who are doing the same thing that you're doing, only in reverse. And in order to best accomplish Fold Two, you're going to need a helmet. Good luck finding a real helmet in Egypt. It's not like they sell them at the Camel Feed n' Fuel. You're going to have to improvise. And it just so happens that I found some pictures over there at LIFE that will give you some good idea for said improvisation. It will also give you some ideas of what not do to. Let's begin.

This man has put a large mushroom on his head. That is not going to work at all. On top of that, he looks ridiculous. No one can take a rioter seriously if they look like a moron. I don't even know what he thinks that is going to do for his dome. It's not going to do much, I'll tell you that right now. Is it an Egyptian sombrero? I don't think anyone really knows. Cool shades, though. Those will help. Or not.


This nitwit with the traffic cone on his melon isn't going to fare much better. I will concede that it is better than nothing. But wouldn't you think that wearing a bright orange cone on your head is kind of just asking to be made into a target? If you have to aim for something, aim for the cone. Not a good idea if you're really trying to avoid cranial damage.


Next up, the sauce pot. "Hey, Jim! How big is your head?" "I'm not sure." "Well, do you think you could fit it into a six-quart pot?" "I don't know. Do you have an eight-quart pot?" "I do, but I think that will be too big." "Don't worry. I'll shove some cloth napkins in it so it will fit snugly and then I'll tie it to my melon with a necktie." "Oh, OK. I'm glad you've give this some thought. I'm going to wear the colander." "OK. Now let's get ready to rumble!" (By the way, if anyone can tell me what he has written on his pot, I would be very appreciative. And all of you yay-hoos who are going to tell me it says something like "Bring to a boil before adding pasta" can just save it!)
There might not be a more versatile item than the plastic milk crate. It is milk crates that allowed me to decorate my first few abodes in the style of "Early Dorm Room". They made for great bookshelves and they helped support the planks of wood that would serve as the TV stand. And not only can they be furniture, they can also be protective headwear. Who knew? (And while I also used cinder blocks in place of the milk crates from time to time, they would not have been near as effective as a helmet as the milk crates appear to be.)

The protester below is on the right track with his or her impromptu helmet-izing. The mesh metal front seems like an excellent idea to protect your fact. Whatever there is on the top, however, does not seem adequate at all. It looks to be like a dishtowel and a piece of cardboard. Well, that's not going to do much when a rock lands on you. Nope. Not much at all. But if you're getting rocks thrown directly at you, this seems like it might be of some use. It also has a sort of medieval look to it that I really enjoy.

This person is a moron. What does he think that little piece of cardboard is going to do? Keep the sun out of his eyes? Maybe he has already been hit in the head and that is why he thinks that what he is doing will effectively protect his noggin. News flash: It won't. He'll be knocked unconscious by the first piece of rugged concrete to rain down upon him. He really needs to hook up with milk crate guy or sauce pot head.

This guy isn't going to get much more protection than the corrugated warrior seen above. He appears to have stolen the lid from Oscar the Grouch's trash can and is using it as protection. I fear for him and his cranium. I hope his hand-eye coordination is good. He's going to need it.

At least those guys are trying to protect themselves. Because you know what happens when you don't try to protect yourself and you go wading right out into the middle of a protest? You end up like this guy:

Yipes. That's all for today, kids! And remember, wear a helmet!

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