Monday, May 3, 2010

No Eel Zone


Today's lesson is (unfortunately) one in human anatomy. And while anatomy can be a complicated subject at times, this lesson is quite simple. You probably won't even need to take notes. It's one concept and it's so basic I can't believe I even need to go over it here. But, of course, there was an...incident. And I felt that it warranted a wee bit of discussion. Ready? Here we go. Today's lesson is: Some parts of the human body are OUT ONLY.

Let's go to Sichuan, China where a bunch of guys were drinking to excess and one of them inevitably passed out. Now, I'll admit that it does seem kind of amusing to do funny things to people when they're completely comatose on the living room couch, bathroom floor, wherever, really. Put makeup on them. Make funny signs and put them next to them and post the photos on Facebook. Take off all of their clothes and carry the drunkard into the stairwell. Things like that are hilarious. It's when the hilarity tries to involve live aquatic creatures that it stops becoming hilarious and starts to tread down the path of WTF?

Now, according to something called
The Shanghaiist, the drunk in this story was a 59-year old man who was a chef (why they felt the need to include that is completely beyond me, as it has nothing to do with this story AT ALL!) who was taken "...to a Sichuan hospital complaining of abdominal pain, dehydration and a great deal of anal bleeding. He was soon diagnosed as being in a severe state of shock." I think I'd be in a severe state of shock as well if I had a great deal of bleeding coming from that particular area. Yes, that IS shocking, I agree.

Now, something called
Guanabee tells us since the doctors couldn't figure out what was causing the pain (you know, probably stemming from all of the arse bleeding that was going on) they "...obtained permission from the family to conduct a laparotomy– a surgical incision into the abdominal wall done to examine the abdominal organs." Yipes. Yeah, you think that's bad? Just wait. It ain't nothing like bad, yet.
(WARNING: This is really not for anyone. If there was an "NO" rating, meaning it was for NO ONE, that is what this would be rated. You've been warned.) Once they cut the dude open, it was apparent what had gone wrong. What had gone wrong and what had gone IN. That's right. They found (brace yourself) "...a 50cm long, dead Asian swamp eel stuck in the man’s rectal region. The slithery fish had bit it’s way through the intestine." Oh, my God! Stop it now!

An EEL?!!? FIFTY CENTIMETERS LONG?! I'll do that math and convert that to the English equivalent so that you'll know that we're talking about 25 inches, or just over TWO FREAKING FEET LONG! IN the OUT DOOR!! Good Lord, people! OUT ONLY! OUT only!! NO EELS ALLOWED!

Here's the part of the story where I began to question how good these doctors actually were. I mean, congratulations on finding the eel after you cut the dude open, but, "...According to reports, the chef had consumed copious amounts of eel the day before, but doctors couldn’t figure out how a live eel ended up in his rectum." Wait. What now?

Is that part about the chef consuming the "copious amounts of eel the day before" a necessary part to put in this story? Or did the docs think that somehow, eating eel would cause a live one to grow inside of you? Or get inside of you? What in the hell does eating eel have to do with any of this?! (I will never look at unagi in the same way ever again. Not that I ever thought it looked all that great to begin with, but when you start putting it in this sort of a context, it's really pretty much over for previous thoughts ever returning without thinking about this horror first.)

Wanna know what having an eel that once used to be alive does when it's inserted into the OUT ONLY area of the human body? Well, first of all, the eel isn't going to like it AT ALL. I say that because "...the eel had apparently already wrought havoc on his innards, biting its way through his intestines prior to dying. Internal bleeding and infection rapidly set in." Yes, I imagine those thing WOULD set in when you have a creature inside of you trying desperately to gnaw its way out. I might not make it to the end of this post. I'm not feeling well.

Have all of you eely sleuths figured out what happened yet? Remember, I mentioned the whole drinking and getting passed-out drunk earlier in this story. Yeah, that DID play a part. Shocking, I know. (No pun intended just because it was an eel.) The article state that "The likely cause was eventually established - he had apparently been drinking with friends, and had passed out. His friends had decided it would be amusing to insert a live eel into his anus whilst he was comatose." Oh. God.

The LIKELY cause?! I'm pretty sure that having your friends shove an eel up your ass is the ONLY cause after one has been found in your rectum. LIKELY cause? I understand not wanting to jump to conclusions or whatever, but when there's only ONE conclusion, by all means, freaking JUMP! What is WRONG with you people?!

Now, not to get overly graphic here or anything, but that must have been quite the chore to get that eel up there. Granted, the thing could have done some slithering on its own, but how much is the question. That area is full of rather tight muscles. I mean, they're tight for a reason. They keep things from going out at the wrong time and, most importantly in this case, they keep things from going IN! And if you're so drunk that you don't realize that something of this nature is happening to you, you need to go to meeting or something. Anything! Granted, this guy croaked, but had he lived, I think a meeting or two would have been in order.

I'm going to leave you with one final visual image. Maybe they used a shoehorn.

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2 comments:

Mark said...

Apparently the word "friend" doesn't translate well between Chinese and English. As a native speaker of English I can say without fear of contradiction that "friends" didn't do this to him.

Excellent choice of images in this one. The guy jumping into the cave was especially nice but -- no pun intended -- the last one is kind of sticking in my mind for some reason.

Mare said...

Hi, Mark.

Yes, I agree with your assessment/interpretation of the word "friend". Friends don't put eels up other friends arses. Indeed.

And I can't imagine what that last one would stick in your mind for some reason. Can't. Imagine. Go figure. =)

~ Mare