Mocking Words

What Does This MEAN?!

2012-01-27T00:02:00.000-08:00

Ferris Bueller's Day Off is one of my all time favorite movies. I could probably quote the whole thing all the way through. And I don't know that it's really a movie that one could make a sequel to. I mean, I could see it if they did a sequel maybe, say, 25 years after the fact. I could see a sequel that featured an adult Ferris taking the day off of work or something like that. It would be tricky to get just right, but I think it could be done. That is why the clip below intrigues me to no end. It's only ten seconds, but it sets the stage for something Ferris Bueller related. I guess it could be some sort of product endorsement (Volkswagen has done ads that feature "Coming Soon" as a tease before), but I'm not hoping for that because I don't give a fat rat's ass what Matthew Broderick endorses. No, I'm hoping for just a little bit more of Ferris Bueller. Just a little. And definitely a little bit more than only the ten freaking seconds in the clip! Click here if the clip below doesn't play. Behold!

Eight Minutes Later

2012-01-26T00:35:00.001-08:00

By the way, Obama gave a State of the Union speech the other night. And I know that they're not the most interesting things in the world, but you'd think that you'd be able to last longer than eight minutes, especially if you were actually there! Sadly, that wasn't the case with one guy. Eight minutes in. Just 480 seconds. Behold!

She Doesn't Know Anything

2012-01-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

Is it the silly season already? I thought that wasn't until September. I must be wrong because Nancy Pelosi has been spouting out the ramblings of a crazy person. And when someone can do that when they're talking about Newt Gingrich (who isn't exactly someone I would put in the 'completely sane' category), well, that's certainly something.

According to the NY Daily News, Nancy Pelosi was asked by CNN about what she thought about the change that there might be a "President Gingrich". She responded with: "Let me just say this. That will never happen...He's not going to be President of the United States ... Let me just make my prediction and stand by it, it isn't going to happen." Now, while I agree with her feelings, I don't know that I think that it's a very good idea to go around saying it quite like that. There are too many dumbasses out there who go to vote. I'd hate to have any of them get wind of this and think, "Oh, yeah?! C'mon, Cletus. Let's go show her wrong!" (And by the way, there would be no particular reason for the dumbasses to think this. They're dumbasses. They don't need a reason.) But she didn't really stop there. No, she went on to jabber: "There is something I know. The Republicans, if they choose to nominate him, that's their prerogative. I don't even think that's going to happen." Wait. There is something that she knows?

What could she possibly know? (Other than it would appear, based on the photo below, that Dwight Schrute is quite possibly Newt's love child.) Does she know something that the rest of us don't? Really, those sentences didn't string together very well, so it's entirely possible that she didn't know what she was talking about either. (I wonder if that happens when you've had your face lifted just one too many times. Hmm...) But you can't just come out and says "There is something I know" and not back it up with...anything, lest you sound like a crazy(er) person. At the very least, make your subsequent sentences flow!

I can't imagine that she has some sort of 'secret weapon' that she's going to break out if Newt should get the nomination. And even if she did, why wouldn't she keep that sort of thing to herself? You don't want to be letting everyone in on your 'strategy', do you? Granted, if it is a 'strategy', it's probably the worst one I've ever heard of. (It's a good thing she isn't in charge of our SEAL operations. She'd tip everyone off before anything could get done. Can you picture it? "There is something I know. Osama bin Laden is about to hear a knock at his door." Yeah, that wouldn't be very effective.)

A Whopping Thirty Percent

2012-01-25T00:04:00.000-08:00

If I'm on a cruise, I have a few expectations that might not be written down. They're not too much to ask, I don't think. All I want is that the boat that I'm on stays on top of the water. And I'd really like it if all of the parts of the boat that are supposed to be above the water stay that way throughout my cruise. If that fails to occur, I'm going to consider my cruise a failure. Call me crazy, but if I'm on a cruise and the boat sinks while I'm on it, someone has failed in their quest to provide me with what I would consider a 'cruise'. If when I exit the ship it is no longer upright, I'm going to go ahead and consider that a failure. Crazy, I know. But that's just me.

You know how I know it's just me? Because I just read what the Costa Concordia people offered the passengers that were on their cruise ship that is now perpendicular with the waterline. These are people who had to escape the sinking ship without the direction from the majority of the crew and captain, as a lot of them were practicing the "save yourself" mantra and getting themselves into lifeboats first. These are people who were aboard a ship that ran aground and dozens of people died as a result. I'm not saying that it's the worst tragedy that's ever happened (it was not 'just like Titanic'), but I am saying that it was bad enough that the cruise line should offer those who were on the ship a little bit more than thirty percent off of a future cruise!

That's right. According to the Daily Mail, Carnival Cruises (which owns the now horizontal Costa Concordia) said "The company is not only going to refund everybody but they will offer a 30 per cent discount on future cruises if they want to stay loyal to the company." Well, I should hope that they'd be refund everybody. Was that even an option? And I don't know what other compensation they should receive, but I think that it should be something that doesn't involve having to do business with them ever again. The boat is laying down! What makes them think that any of those passengers would want to take another cruise with Sideways Liners?!

And really, only thirty percent off?! Not like a free cruise to make up for the one that the (allegedly) drunken captain ran aground off the coast and caused the ship to eventually capsize? No, not even half off of your future (and possibly doomed) cruise that of course you would want to book with these yahoos. Yeah, they're offering a whopping thirty percent off. Sure. That should calm some tempers.

Seriously, let me get this straight. You're the cruise line and your plan for disaster is every man for himself. The captain is going to leave and it's going to be absolute bedlam aboard the sinking vessel. Not to mention the dozens of deaths that will occur. And you're offering people thirty percent off? Are you on glue? What if someone lost their spouse? Could they get forty percent off? And you know, the one compensation that I hate the most is the one where those who have given you crappy service expect you to come back to them so that they can discount whatever they give you (which may or may not still be crappy) the next time. Next time?! What on earth makes you think I would ever want to come back here? The boat sank for Christ's sake!

This Guy?

2012-01-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm still not totally over the 49ers loss on Sunday. I'm not not over it, but I'm just having a hard time dealing with the fact that they lost to this guy. Behold!

Seriously? That guy doesn't look like he could fight his way out of a wet paper bag, let alone through an entire game of football.

I Never Thought It Would Be Good

2012-01-23T00:04:00.000-08:00

Well, the 49ers lost yesterday. I'm semi-consolable. I'd be inconsolable if this hadn't been the best season that they'd had in at least a dozen years and if they hadn't gotten farther than 29 other teams in the NFL. It's hard to complain about something like that. Easy to be sad, but hard to complain. But don't think that's going to stop people from complaining. No, they complain. You know why? Because people are a-holes when it comes to sports, that's why. Actually, they'll complain about anything that they can find to complain about when sports are involved.

Take the national anthem. The NFL had Steven Tyler sing the anthem before the start of the other game yesterday. Now, I find it an interesting choice, but I'm not going to be surprised if he ends up singing a 'non-traditional' sounding anthem. What would you expect? It's Steven freaking Tyler. There's not one single thing that's 'traditional' about that man. Nothing. (And I'm a Steven Tyler fan, by the way. That doesn't mean that I don't know what I'm getting when he's the choice to sing the national anthem. I know. And I know it'll be something, but that something likely won't be great.)

But people complained about it. Were they expecting anything different? How could they have been? But yet ESPN guy Skip Bayless tweeted "How could Patriots be inspired by that awful anthem sung by Steven Tyler? At least give him some screaming guitars to camouflage voice." Again, his voice wasn't made for the national anthem. What did he expect? I don't know, but it must have been the same thing that an abundance of other people expected.

Deadspin.com went with "Steven Tyler's 'Star-Spangled Banner' was terrible, but was it the worst ever?" Oh, for crying out loud! He wasn't trying to...it's not that kind of a....never mind. And I have those same sentiments for a one Greg Gutfeld of FOX News who tweeted "I went outside to put a raccoon out of its misery - then I realized my neighbor was watching Steven Tyler sing the Star-Spangled Banner." It's not supposed to sound all perfect! It's Steven Tyler! Why were you expecting something other than a miserable raccoon sound?!

OK, sure, it did sound like he kind of got some of the words wrong a couple of the times.

Please Win

2012-01-22T00:01:00.000-08:00

The 49ers play today. The last time that the 49ers were in the NFC Championship game, it was 1994. So while I have technically been waiting for this game for the past week, theoretically, I have been waiting for this game for the past eighteen years. And I don't want to do anything to jinx it. I'm just going to have happy thoughts. And what better way to induce happy thoughts than a golden retriever who likes guitar music. Behold! (And please win.)

Stupid Sparkles

2012-01-21T00:04:00.000-08:00

A lot of people who follow sports have certain superstitions. And they're pretty serious about them. They believe that doing just one thing wrong could jinx your team and they'd lose. That's the case with the lovely young lady in the video below. She appears to be distraught that her beloved Green Bay Packers lost their game last week. And she blames Megan. And the sparkles. That's right. The sparkles. Enjoy.

He Doesn't Have Cats

2012-01-20T00:06:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of different people in the world. Some are nice, some are not so nice. But here's my take on all of them: Just be who you are and don't try to hide it and while I might not like you, I will at least respect you. You could be the world's biggest bitch or biggest d**k and as long as you don't try to pretend like you're not, I'm good. It's when people who are clearly d-bags try and act like they're not. Those people I have a problem with.

Take Newt Gingrich. His giant pumpkin head aside, he is one who will not embrace his d**kishness. And it's nothing new. Let's remember that at the time of the Clinton impeachment hearings (which you'd have thought were about Clinton getting all Lewinsky-ed in the Oval Office, but were actually not about that at all), Newt was being extremely sanctimonious about the whole ordeal and the entire time that he was doing so, he was cheating on his wife! That's a d**k move if there ever was one. Does he hang out with John Edwards? I think that the two of them would get along just swell together.

Well now, one of his ex-wives has come out with a 'revelation' that she thinks will ruin his quest for the Republican nomination for President. This would be a one Marianne Gingrich, also known as Wife Number Two. (I think she was the second wife. I'm just not sure if she was the wife that he left when she had cancer or if she was the wife that he left when she had MS. See why I think he'd get along so well with John Edwards?) Why she is just coming out with this now is beyond me. But I'm guessing that what she has to say is probably true since after she announced that she was going to make an announcement, Newt swung into full PR mode and had his daughters make statements. One usually doesn't call out the daughters unless they're worried about something. And I could see why this might worry him a little.

The point here is that Marianne Gingrich said that when she was married to Newt and found out that he was having an affair, he not only declined to end the affair, but he also asked her to agree to an open relationship. That's right. Oh, and did I mention that less than 48 hours after asking her to agree to this (she declined, by the way) "...he gave a lecture to the Republican Women Leaders Forum titled, "The Demise of American Culture" in which he decried the way liberals "talk about values." Yeah, he did.

Look, there are a lot of reasons why Newt is un-electable and this is just one of the reasons why he can't be trusted with the nomination. He had to step down as Speaker of the House because of ethics violations, for crying out loud! Does this open marriage request thing surprise anyone? It doesn't surprise me. What surprises me is that people are surprised that someone who has proven himself to be grossly unethical, cheated on his wife and wanted an open marriage, all the while preaching morals and values to the rest of the world. I wonder why she's coming out with this now. And really, I'm a little disappointed that this is all that her information holds. I think I was hoping she'd say something like Newt was a cat hoarder and had 100s of cats living with him. That would have been awesome.

Not Very Much

2012-01-19T00:03:00.000-08:00

Holy smokes, how out of touch is Mitt Romney? The man already comes across as a tool and a phony. Did he really have to go and say something that would glaringly highlight how wealthy he is and how he doesn't look at money the same way that regular people do? Apparently he must have because he did.

People have been hammering Mitt more and more lately to release his tax returns. Not surprisingly, Mitt doesn't really want to do that. Oh, sure, he's said that he is considering releasing them around tax time in April. But that would be a point in time that is likely past when the Republicans will have decided upon a nominee for their clueless party. (Don't get me wrong. The Democrats are just as clueless, but they already have their nominee chosen.) How convenient. Release something that you must think is going to be damaging after you've already secured the position that you want. I wonder if he's surprised that we're all seeing through his complex scheme?

He might actually be surprised because he seems so out of touch with other things that it wouldn't be improbable for him to think that all of us little people can just be swayed with his toothy grin and suave words that he got from all of that book learnin'. He did come out and say a few things about his taxes. The first thing he mentioned was that his tax rate is probably around 15%. OK, the guy has over $200 million dollars. He makes a buttload of money every year from that money. Kids, this is what is known as a tax loophole. Making money off of capital gains is taxed at a different rate than the money you make when you haul your ass out of bed every morning and do something in exchange for cash. People with lots of money like these sorts of loopholes.

But that's not the most out of touch thing that he said in regard to his own income and financial situation. See, he made money from speaker's fees. Apparently, there are a lot of people and/or organizations out there that think Mitt Romney is worth paying in order to have him talk to you. In regard to these fees, Mitt said, "I get speaker's fees from time to time, but not very much." Really, Mitt? Not very much? Oh, that must mean 'not very much' for someone who is worth about $200 million because the amount of money that he earned from speaking for one year (2010 through early 2011) was $374,328. I'll wait while you process that.

I'm back! Yes, he actually referred to almost four hundred thousand dollars as "not very much". Good Lord, Mitt. I realize that to someone with his sort of money, almost four hundred grand might not be very much. But to come out and say it like that? That's just idiotic. He is in the upper one percent of the one percent and he just doesn't get that. Does he know that in South Carolina (where the next round of Republican nominee powwows is set to take place) that the average annual personal income per capita is $28,285? Now, twenty-eight grand is "not very much". Mitt's "not very much" is over thirteen times South Carolina's "not very much"! You know what that equals? Very much! That is correct!

Seriously, who are this man's handlers? Or does it even matter? Is he just so rich that he has gone through his entire life without having to ever answer to anyone? Is he just so rich that he has gone through his entire life without anyone ever questioning anything that he ever said? (Because people will kiss a rich man's ass like no other.) I'll bet Mitt also thinks that he's hilarious because all of his life everyone has laughed at every joke he's ever told, even when most of them aren't funny, because of the position that he's in. I'm guessing that he sees the world and the world around him in a completely different way than it actually is.

I think that I've made this offer before, but I'm making it again. Mitt, if you need a consultant, an adviser, a handler, whatever you want to call it, I'm available. Mind you, I'm not a fan of Mitt Romney or the Republican party. But I could teach this guy a few things about the public's perception of politicians. I could also give him some better jokes.

Don't They Want To Know What SOPA Is?

2012-01-18T00:07:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't heard, some pretty big websites will be shutting down for 12 hours today in protest of a bill that some out of touch lawmakers are trying to get passed. The bill is called SOPA and that stands for the Stop Online Piracy Act. And while online piracy is bad, SOPA is even worse. Basically, SOPA would make it criminal to have any copyrighted material (and the definition of 'material' is so broad that it applies to just about anything and everything) on any website. Think about that. That's impossible to work around if you're a website. And really, it wouldn't exactly stop piracy. (The bill itself seems to have little indication that whoever wrote it has ever used the Internet or understands what piracy actually is.) This blog would cease to exist because of all of the pictures that I use with neither permission, nor malice. The implication of SOPA is that so many websites would cease to exist because of this law. Thus, several websites are going dark today to not only protest, but to also raise awareness of what this law could potentially do. But shockingly enough, people aren't quite understanding that this isn't a personal attack upon them.

Wikipedia is one of the major sites that will be dark today. Now, I don't know about you, but if I found out that a certain website that I frequented was unavailable in protest of some sort of new law that might happen, I'm pretty sure that I'd find out what the heck is going on. (And actually, one of my favorite websites, Reddit, is dark today in protest of SOPA. I imagine that today could end up being quite productive once I stop twitching from withdrawals..) But that doesn't seem to be the case with Wikipedia. No, people don't seem all that interested in why. Shocking, I know. All people seem to be interested in is (brace yourself) themselves. The big picture appears to be non-existent for a lot of folks.

I say that because I've been perusing the tweets that have gone out in regard to the darkness of Wikipedia. What I've learned is disconcerting at best and hypothesis affirming at worst. (That hypothesis being that we're doomed. OK, maybe that's not so much a hypothesis as it is something that I see society inching a little closer to every single day. It's still bad.) Let's look at some tweets and see if you notice the one thing that is glaringly missing from all of them.

By the way, I wish that I could take credit for compiling all of these lovely tweets, but alas, I cannot. I found them in the Twitter feed of a (I'm sure) lovely one Katie Notopoulos. She seems like a hoot. But I'm simply basing that on her tweet that read "fight SOPA; send your congressman a d**kpic". (And by the way, under SOPA, neither Katie, nor I would be able to be putting any of this stuff on the Internet. So there's that. But I digress. Where was I? Oh, right. She's funny and she retweeted the following. Behold!

First of all, I can only hope that some of these people were tweeting these sentiments in an ironic fashion. Second, are they aware that Wikipedia, while a lovely source of information, is edited by regular people and can be changed at any given moment to say whatever you want it to say until someone else notices that Gary Oldman really isn't a giraffe or that Snoop Dogg's "Gin & Juice" is a "masterpiece" and then edits it to be more factual? I didn't even know that Wikipedia was being accepted by teachers/professors as a citable source. I'm not saying that there isn't great information on Wikipedia. There is. I'm just saying that it can't always be trusted to be correct. (I'm also saying that I may or may not have participated at one time in the altering of some Wikipedia entries in order to make them more humorous and to reflect my incredible disdain for people who may or may not be Gloria Allred. That's all.)

But did you notice that not one of these Wikipedia dependent individuals didn't even question what in the world SOPA is? They think that Wikipedia shutting down for twelve hours is a problem? Are they aware that if SOPA was to pass that Wikipedia would likely be shut down for good? Why isn't anyone asking what SOPA is? Why isn't anyone asking why Wikipedia will be shut down? Man, how I wish that Facebook would do something like this. Could you imagine? The country would collectively wet itself if it couldn't get on Facebook for an entire day. (And let me tell you that if SOPA were to pass, Facebook would need to be shut down as well.) And people would ask what is up if Facebook went dark.

Today might be my most productive day ever without some of my favorite websites to mess around on and waste an extraordinary amount of time on. I might even go outside. I hear that's nice.

The Hilarity Of A Super PAC

2012-01-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

I think I love Stephen Colbert. His effort to attempt to point out (through glorious parody and general amusement) just how ridiculous the rules for things like Super PACs are. And the rules would seem to be that there are no rules. Pretty much, you can say whatever you'd like and it doesn't seem that there are any consequences for anything.

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They're Not The Same

2012-01-16T00:09:00.000-08:00

Some cruise ship ran aground in Italy. And it is because of that unfortunate incident that we have to be subjected to the opinions of people which will ultimately make us realize how out of touch people are with reality. It's really in the aftermath of an accident where we learn that we are surrounded by morons who equate two things to be identical based on any sort of a remote similarity. This is exactly why I'm rethinking democracy. I can't trust these people to vote on stuff. I just can't. Nor do I want to. And you might be joining me after this little story.

We go over to ABC News to learn a little bit more about what occurred. Basically, it's what I just said above. A cruise ship ran aground fairly close to shore in Italy. Here's a picture of how close to the shore it actually was. (This is relevant for the points that I will be making shortly.) Behold!

Yeah, that's bad. Ships shouldn't look like that. It's unsafe and not very inviting. Let's look at the ship from a different angle. Behold!

Good thing that it's pretty close to the land, huh? And it certainly didn't just topple over like that all of a sudden. Here's a picture of it when it was starting to go that way. Behold!

And just one more to illustrate the distance from the shoreline and the not-so-deep depth of the water there (hence all of the running aground, don't you know?). Behold!

But the fact that it's not totally submerged and that land is so close and the waters are so shallow is definitely something to take into consideration when determining how to think about this accident. Well, those are things that a reasonable person would take into consideration. Let's look at some of the perspectives that other people had on this event. Take this one woman who had been aboard the ship when this happened who said, "Have you seen 'Titanic'? That's exactly what it was." Now, I'm not sure what part she's unclear on here. What actually happened in Titanic, what actually happened aboard the actual Titanic, or what the definition of 'exactly' is. But she seems confused about at least one of those three because I can tell you right now that this was not 'exactly' like what happened to the Titanic.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that poor woman wasn't scared to death and I'm not saying that the situation wasn't dangerous and life-threatening. What I'm saying is that it was not exactly like Titanic. Sure, they both involved a large ship, but for me, the similarities end there. One was right off the coast of Italy, the other was in the middle of the ocean in the middle of freaking nowhere and in freezing cold water with icebergs all around. Those two scenarios are not 'exactly' the same. Again, I'm sorry that this woman was involved in this accident and I am glad that she's OK. But I am tired of everything needing to be elevated to an artificial level of tragedy that just doesn't exist. Things don't have to be super-duper bad in order for them to be 'bad enough'. Bad is bad. Why make it worse with inaccurate hyperbole?

ABC News asked some people who were visiting something called "Titanic the Experience" ("a tour through recovered artifacts and replicas of the famed ship in Orlando.) what they thought. I have no idea why they thought to do that, but they did. I guess that ABC News must have thought that the Titanic sinking in the middle of the ocean and killing over 1,500 people in the freezing water is the same as a boat slowly tipping over because it ran aground on the coast of Italy. Other than the fact that they're both boats, I'm not seeing a lot of similarities. But I guess I'm the only one because one guy said, "When I saw the Concordia on the news this morning, this is what I thought about." Huh. So this guy saw (I'm assuming) something similar to the picture that I included here and his first thought was "It's just like Titanic"? How is that possible? My first thought was "Oh, good. It's pretty close to shore and it's in fairly shallow water. Did anyone die?" I did not think about the Titanic. Good Lord.

Seriously, is this what our society hath wrought? Any sort of misdoing involving a large ship and people automatically equate it to the Titanic disaster? Have the critical thinking skills in this country sank so low that people can't differentiate between two different boats, not to mention completely different circumstances, one hundred years apart? Even ABC News delves into the similarities between the two incidents. (Then again, on the ABC News website, they also tell us: "Authorities investigate whether ship's captain sailed too close to rocks." The ship is currently sideways! I'm guessing the captain was, in fact, too close to the rocks! They need an 'investigation' to determine this?! The boat is sideways, for the love of God!) Just because they're both boats that had problems doesn't mean that they're the same! AT ALL! I'm trying to think of a ridiculous example that I could use as a comparison to this, but the actual story itself is so ridiculous that I don't think I can come up with a comparison. They're both boats, but they're not the SAME! Think, people! Think! It's our only hope!

We Won

2012-01-15T00:05:00.000-08:00

I don't write about my personal life here very much. But I'm going to briefly do so today. And with good reason. I have been a San Francisco 49ers fan my entire life. I love that team so much. The past eight years that we have missed the playoffs because we've sucked have not been fun. I was seriously worried that yesterday's playoff game could potentially end in disaster. And just when I would think that we were ahead enough that we could win, the Saints came roaring back to push our imminent shot at victory aside. But in the end, it was the 49ers who prevailed in spectacular fashion. And in the video below, you can relive that very spectacular fashion. And pay attention to the guy who caught it and how he's just bawling his head off afterwards. Those are some mighty manly tears of relief and happiness. It was just awesome. One of the best things I've ever seen in my life. I still can't believe that we flipping won!

Well, That Explains That

2012-01-14T00:04:00.000-08:00

Remember when the little runt in North Korea kicked it and I was amazed at all of the public mourning that was going on? Seriously, people appeared to be beside themselves with grief as they fell all over each other in the streets. There was so much hysterical sobbing. It seemed weird. And it was. And now we know why.

According to something called Daily NK, "The North Korean authorities have completed the criticism sessions which began after the mourning period for Kim Jong Il and begun to punish those who transgressed during the highly orchestrated mourning events." Uhhh...come again? "The authorities are handing down at least six months in a labor-training camp to anybody who didn’t participate in the organized gatherings during the mourning period, or who did participate but didn’t cry and didn't seem genuine." Holy police state, Batman. I guess that would explain the scenes that we saw like this:

And this:

And this:

I think that I'd be sobbing my head off in public too if I knew that if I didn't that I was going to be picked up and sent to some sort of North Korean labor camp. Just the thought of that almost makes me burst out crying right now! Oh, but look! It gets worse! "...the source added that people who are accused of circulating rumors criticizing the country’s 3rd generation dynastic system are also being sent to re-education camps or being banished with their families to remote rural areas." Not that this needs to be said or anything, but that seems rather extreme. So let me get this straight. If a member of my family circulates some sort of rumor about the newest runt to run that hell hole-ish regime, then my family gets banished along with the naysayer?! What about that particularly mouthy aunt that everyone seems to have? Just because she opens her yap then the rest of us end up rurally banished?! That seems...what's the word I want? Oh, that's right. Bat s*** crazy.

In this country people can say whatever they want about this country without fear of having themselves and/or their families banished. And while there might be an awful lot of things to complain about around here, the freedom to say whatever you want or whatever you don't want should never be complained about. And here, I thought that maybe things could be different in North Korea with a new leader. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Crap.

This Is Not A Good Idea

2012-01-13T00:09:00.000-08:00

Those beauty pageants for small children? Yeah, the ones where there are little girls dressed up like pole dancers and/or whores. What's that? Oh. Right. They're not not pole dancers and/or whores. They're future pole dancers and/or whores. My mistake. But from what I can figure out, the only people who actually think that this is an OK thing to put your daughter through are the pageant moms. They seem to think it's just fine while the majority of the rest of the world finds it all completely abhorrent. I don't quite get that. I mean, if everyone hates it, why does it still exist? (While the rational answer might appear to be that everyone doesn't hate it, I refuse to accept that reason. The thought that people are OK with this depresses me.) I guess I digress. If you're still undecided on the matter, check out the little video below. This is what can happen when you put your kid in pageants. Why do I have a horrible feeling that this kid is going to have her own reality show someday?

Alana, Age 6, Best Beauty Pageant Kid, Ever - Watch More Funny Videos

That's A Lot Of Mitt

2012-01-12T00:07:00.000-08:00

If Newt Gingrich was just a little more sarcastic and a little more childish with some of his statements and retorts, he could put his campaign headquarters in a playground somewhere. The man is one step away from going down to a "I know you are but what am I?" level. And in case you haven't noticed, Newt is not a big fan of Mitt Romney. Newt would seem to see Mitt in the same light that I do, that of a phony tool. But since Newt is the one trying to run for President, he put a little more effort into pointing out Mitt's toolishness by making a video of some of his more memorable statements. And don't get me wrong. I don't think that either one of these numbskulls should be President. But that doesn't mean that the video isn't amusing. Behold! (And if it doesn't load, please click here.)

But It WAS Out Of Context!

2012-01-11T00:07:00.000-08:00

God, the American people must be a stupid bunch. I mean, I know that the majority of them (from what I can tell) could not not find their ass with both hands and a map. But are they so dumb that the media really thinks that taking someone's comment out of context and disingenuously representing it as truth at face value is a good idea because the public will fall for it? They must because they keep doing it over and over.

The latest victim of the pathetic groups that make up the media is Mitt Romney. To me, Mitt Romney looks like a 1950s game show host. It's between that and Guy Smiley from the Muppets. Now, just in case I was too subtle, neither of those comparisons are compliments. I find Mitt to be about the most phony person I have ever seen in my life. And I've seen a lot of crap. He is as fake as can be. As the wonderfully talented Jon Stewart put it, "He looks like the guy who fired your dad." Exactly.

So when you come across as looking like a tool, it's probably best if you don't say things that will make you sound like a tool. Take, for example, what Mitt said the other day when he was talking about giving people more options in their health care. He wanted to convey that he likes to be able to have choices when it comes to who he trusts his health care to. He wanted to convey that he likes not being able to be stuck with a certain provider simply because that's the plan that an employer has chosen for its employees. Who wouldn't like to have options? Everyone like choices. The problem started with the words that Mitt used to try to get this message across. The problem got worse when the media got hold of it.

What Mitt said was, "I like being able to fire people who provide services to me. You know, if someone doesn't give me a good service that I need, I want to say, 'I'm going to go get someone else to provide that service to me'." Now, I know what he meant. And I know that you're smart (because you're reading this blog) and that you know what he meant. But let's both just admit that no one should really say that the like being able to fire people. That's not going to go over well. And unfortunately, that is the only part of his statement that the media has chosen to report.

Everywhere I look that is covering this incident, is reporting it in a fashion akin to "Mitt Romney Says He Likes Firing People" or "Mitt Romney Likes To Be Able To Fire People". Yeah, see, in a nation with an unemployment rate of about 10 percent, that's not a good thing to say. But the thing is that he didn't say it like that! How disingenuous and intellectually dishonest is the media being by taking what he said totally out of context and reporting it as if all he said was "I like being able to fire people"? It's one of the more irresponsible and egregious acts that a reporter can commit. And it's being committed all over the place. It also reeks of something that rhymes with 'commit'.

Mitt has said that he was taken out of context, but it's not going over very well in terms of damage control. Why is it that if you actually are taken out of context (a la Mitt) and it's so completely obvious that was the case, that if you try to explain that nobody believes you or nobody goes with that story? Yet if you say you were taken out of context in an instance where it is so obvious that it was so not the case that everyone covers that angle of the story! Some guy gets caught saying, "Let's get some hookers and some blow." And then he tries to blow it off by saying, "I was taken out of context." There's no way that "Let's get some hookers and some blow" can be taken out of context! In what world would that sort of context exist?! Apparently the one we're now living in because that's what happens.

I don't know who the media thinks it is doing any sort of favors for by behaving like this, but I find it all reprehensible. If someone's going down, I'd prefer that it be for something that they actually did as opposed to something that the media made it seem like they did. (On a similar note...Mitt, if you're reading this...do you need someone to help you with your debate question answering? I'm available! And I'm cheap (in more ways than one)! You have to do something, Mitt. You can't keep coming off as "I'm Guy Smiley and I'm firing your dad!")

Literally, The Worst Answer Ever

2012-01-10T00:04:00.000-08:00

Could someone please tell Rick Perry to quit while he's behind (and I mean very behind) and just get out of the Republican Presidential nominee race as soon as he can. If he's not going to do that, could someone at least explain to him how to use "literally" correctly in a sentence. (Here's a hint: It does not mean "figuratively".)

In Saturday's debate (which was a complete debacle in terms of any sort of substantive issues being raised, thanks to the overly proud of himself and his lefty stance, George Stephanopolous), Rick Perry stated "I would send troops back into Iraq." Wow! Really, Rick? You're going for this nomination by touting the re-start the war in Iraq platform? We've spent eight years trying to get the hell out of there and you're saying that you would unequivocally put us back there? That's a brave, albeit asinine, position to state. Out loud. Well, I guess you can't accuse him of pandering with that sort of stance. I will give him that.

And why does he want to send troops back into Iraq, you ask? He continues by explaining: "We're going to see Iran, in my opinion, go back in at literally the speed of light." Oh, Lord. Where to begin? I suppose I should start by saying that is literally the worst usage of the word 'literally' that I have ever heard. I think that if you think that the Iranians can go into Iraq at "literally the speed of light" then you are probably literally unqualified to be President. And I guess that if you interpret what he's saying to mean that we need to keep our eye on Iran just so that they don't go getting all froggy over there, well that's one thing. But if he's saying that Iran has the capability to go into Iraq at literally the speed of light, well then, we're screwed. If that's the case, I suggest that we all bow down to our new Iranian overlords right now because we, ladies and gentlemen, have been bested in the "Troops Having The Speed of Light" category.

Holy crap. Now, whether or not he actually meant literally isn't exactly the point here. (And that's mainly because I'm praying to God that he just doesn't know what 'literally' means. Literally.) The point here is that he sounds like a complete tool box. Go back into Iraq? Yeah, that's a winning platform there. I literally want him to drop out before the next debate.

Bad Example

2012-01-09T00:05:00.000-08:00

No one likes homework. And you know what people like even less than homework? Homework where the word problems use slaves and slavery as an example. For reals.

Let's go down to Norcross, Georgia and head on over to Beaver Ridge Elementary School. It is there that we learn from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution about the math worksheet that some third graders received. Apparently, some dimwit teacher down there decided that it would be a good idea to use slavery as the basis for some of the word problems. That's right. Slavery. Now, I don't know how anyone could think that would be a good idea to begin with. It's not as if there aren't a gazillion appropriate topics to choose from in the first place. But that someone would actually knowingly go with the slavery reference is really a head scratcher. Nothing else sounded good, eh? Puppies? Flowers? Trucks? Decided to go with slaves, huh? All right then. Interesting choice. And just what were some of the questions. Well...

"Each tree had 56 oranges. If 8 slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?"

And...

"Frederick had 6 baskets filled with cotton. If each basket held 5 pounds, how many pounds did he have all together?"

And...

"If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in 1 week?"

Let's see, two beating per day...is this your standard 5-day work week? What's that? Oh, right. Slaves. Yeah, so seven days. Time two beatings per day. That comes out to be the most ridiculous example that a particular educator could have chosen for a third grade math problem. For cryin' out loud, what is wrong with people?

And it's not just the person who put that on the worksheet whose sanity I'm questioning right about now. I'm also wondering about the mental status of the district spokeswoman, a one Sloan Roach, as she said, “Clearly, they did not do as good of a job as they should have done." Well. That seems like a pretty dumbed down understatement if there ever was one. Oh, wait. No, I was wrong. This Roach person added, "It was just a poorly written question.” Really?! I don't know, I think that this involved something just a little bit more than just poor writing. Someone had to think of it first! That involves poor thinking! I love how this woman is just trying to blow this off as if someone forgot the "I before E except after C" rule.

(I do want to just interject here and say that I'm glad that none of the articles that I read about this referenced the race of anyone. I'm so glad that this didn't turn into a story about racism when it is clearly a story about stupidity. Just thought I'd mention that. Carry on.)

But it would seem that this sort of asinine thinking is common in that particular school district. I say that because, in regard to what is going to be done about this, "...district officials said the elementary school's principal will "work with teachers to come up with more appropriate lessons." Work with the teachers?! Are you kidding me?! I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that if the teacher can't figure out on their own that it is inappropriate (at the very least) to include slavery references in math problems, then I don't think that they can be helped. Seriously, that seems like the most basic of all basic common sense things that you would have to noodle through at some point as a teacher. I don't know that they have enough gray matter to work with. Give them some severance pay and send them on their way. Perhaps direct them to a nice community college. Or a store that sells helmets. But you can't teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and annoys the pig.

He's Not The Only One

2012-01-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say one more quick thing that I left out (and that everyone else always leaves out) about the college students attacking Rick Santorum for a) being against gay marriage and, b) asking about how polygamy will fit into our laws if we're going to be OK with gay marriage. (Contrary to popular reporting, Rick Santorum was not comparing gay marriage to polygamy. But that's how it has been reported in most of the articles that I've read. And that's because...? The media sucks, that is correct.)

I want to speak to that chick that was asking Mr. Santorum the initial question about why he was against gay marriage. I want to speak to her (and the rest of the sanctimonious college students who booed Mr. Santorum during his town hall thingee that he did over there in Concord, N.H.) and I want to ask her one question. OK, fine. I want to ask her several questions, but only one that pertains to this discussion. The pertinent question is: Do you know that President Barry is against gay marriage? Because he is.

Not only is President Barry against gay marriage, but Vice President Biden (aka Joey Veep) is against gay marriage also. Not only that, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (who was very nearly the Democratic party's nominee candidate for President last time around) is also against gay marriage. They're all against it. But no one ever talks about that! No, whenever this subject comes up with any candidate out there, if they're against it, it's portrayed in the media as if they're some sort of pariah who is so out of touch with the rest of the world. And every person who asks these questions of these candidates acts the same way. Would all of those college students who were booing Rick Santorum been cheering the President? Of course they would have. Because they just don't get it.

For some reason, the media portrays gay marriage as something that is just universally accepted by everyone in the country and if you're against gay marriage that there is something wrong with you and you are in the minority. And I'm not pointing this out because I'm against gay marriage. I'm not. I'm pointing this out because no one else will! Out of the fifty states in America, there are six (plus Washington D.C.) where same-sex marriage is legal. And in all six of those states, same-sex marriage was legalized through legislation or a court ruling. It was not legalized through a vote put to the people. In the states where a vote was put to the people? Yeah, those states didn't vote in favor of it. Yet Rick Santorum gets booed and the media portrays him as being out of touch. Oh, someone's out of touch here. And while that might include Rick Santorum (but for reasons other than this), it includes a whole lot of other people that don't even know how out of touch they are. Media, I'm talking to you!

Nice Name, Loser

2012-01-07T00:09:00.000-08:00

All I'm about to say here is that there are times when you can judge a book by its cover. Especially when that cover is the person's name AND when that person's name just happens to be Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. And no, I'm not kidding.

According to something called Madison.com, "A man with a rather unique name was arrested ...because police said he was violating bail conditions from previous problems with the law." Really? Previous problems with the law? With a name like Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop? I'm shocked. Simply shocked. The article goes on to tell us that Mr....Zopittybop-Bop-Bop? I guess? He was..."charged with carrying a concealed weapon, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana and a probation violation". Wait. What? There were drugs involved? No! Again, I'm shocked. Simply shocked.

Now, the court records show that this guy's given name was Jeffrey Drew Wilschke and that it was legally changed to the disaster that it is now back in October. I'd like to know who the judge or clerk or whoever is in charge of these things was who signed off on this. Clearly, this is someone who has some serious problems to want to change their name to Beezow. Actually, if it was just Beezow, I might be OK with that. Hell, there are plenty of people out there with whack-a-doodle names. Penn Jillette named his daughter Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette. And then there's Moon Unit Zappa. What the hell is up with that? But at least Moxie kind of sounds like a real name. And, strangely enough, so does Moon Unit. But at least they have relatively normal last names to go by. But when you go with Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, there's clearly something wrong with you.

I don't know if his brain is addled from the obvious drug use that he's been partaking in or if he's always been this way. But I do know that no one did him any favors by granting him his name change. You think he's going to be able to get a job with that sort of name? Is any place ever going to take him serious after they see his name and then learn that he chose that name himself? I don't think so. I'd be willing to give the guy a break if that's what his parents named him, as it wouldn't have been his choice. (Then again, that would mean that there would have had to have been a Mr. and Mrs. Zopittybop-Bop-Bop and I find that to be highly unlikely under any circumstances.) But if I found out he chose that? On purpose? No. Not so much.

He Has A Point

2012-01-06T00:03:00.000-08:00

First of all, I am not a Rick Santorum fan. I think that he's a little too gung-ho on too many Christian fundamental issues and I really don't think that those sorts of things should have much of a part in determining American policies and politics. Besides, it just opens the door for other sorts of fundamental religious groups to start acting like nutjobs. And they do it so well that the very thought kind of frightens me. But back to Mr. Santorum. Even though I think that he's kind of a tool, I think that I did find something that him and I might agree on. Actually, it's more of a theoretical agreement if anything, but it does lend credence to the fact that you would really be surprised at the things that you have in common with people that you don't particularly care for.

Here's the thing: According to USA Today, Mr. Santorum was doing a little town hall meeting in Concord, New Hampshire and he got booed by a bunch of college students when he brought up what I feel is a realistic and logical argument. Now, Mr. Santorum is against same-sex marriage, also known as a gayrriage. (Well, known here as a gayrriage.) And one of the students said to him, "How you justify your belief based on these morals you have about all men being created equal when two men who want to marry the person that they love ..." That is when Rick interrupted and asked, "What about three men?" Needless to say, this wasn't well received among the oh-so-worldly (in their own minds) college students, who began booing him.

The woman who had posed the original question responded with the equivalent "I know you are but what am I?" Or maybe "I'm rubber and you're glue." She answered, "That's not what I'm talking about." It might not be what you're talking about, but it is something that is going to need to be addressed at some point as I don't see how you can argue that gayrriage is OK, but plural marriage is not. If you're going to take what is known as a 'traditional marriage' and start making an addendum to it, you're going to have to take other things into consideration. And I don't really see how, on a basic level, you would be able to deny plural marriage to people if you're going to allow gayrriage for people. If you think that this isn't a reasonable discussion to have, then you're simply being intellectually dishonest.

Mr. Santorum went on to say "Reason says that if you think it's OK for two, you have to differentiate with me why it's not OK for three." I agree. The students did not. They booed him. But he still was able to add, "Let's just have a discussion about what that means. If she reflects the values that marriage can be for anybody or any group of people, as many as is necessary, any two people or any three or four, marriage really means whatever you want it to mean." From what I can tell from the article (which really did an extremely poor job of summing up how the discussion actually went after Rick asked his question), the discussion went nowhere and the students booed Rick as he left. Good Lord, people.

I respect the man for wanting to have a reasonable discussion about this issue. What I don't respect are a bunch of self-righteous college students who think that they have everything all figured out, but aren't even willing to engage in a reasonable discussion about a subject that they are so blindly passionate in favor of that they won't even entertain the possibility that there is more to it than they think. Don't get me wrong. I'm not opposed to gay marriage. And I don't really think that I'm opposed to polygamy either. (Regular polygamy, that is. None of that FLDS nonsense.) I think it's a bit weird (I can barely manage ONE relationship at a time, let alone several) and it's definitely not for me, but I'm not quite certain that it's hurting anything. But I do think that the polygamy question is one that has to be answered, as I don't see it being any fundamentally different than a gayrriage. And I was really disappointed that I don't know how those students feel about polygamy and, if they're against it, their reasoning for that position. Very disappointed indeed.

Congratulations?

2012-01-05T00:02:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official. Chaz Bono is saving up to buy a new wang!

For those of you who may have been blissfully living under a rock somewhere and are unaware of this situation, may I be the first to say congratulations. (And second, can I join you?) Let me bring you up to speed. Chaz is the new man name of Chastity Bono, the daughter of Cher and the late Sonny "Look Out For That Tree" Bono, who decided she was really a dude and has been transitioning toward the goal of becoming a dude. Chaz has been doing this by taking proactive measures such as having both breasts lopped off after his/her 40th birthday and taking male hormones such as testosterone. (Wow. All I did after my 40th birthday was be 40. And I did so with all of the parts that I turned 40 with!) And if you've seen this person lately, you could easily get the impression that part of this transition involved this person eating Chastity. Behold!

Yeah, that's a big person right there. But back to the penis. While Chaz has taken several steps toward becoming a guy, Chaz has not yet opted to have a penis attached or Velcroed on or however that works. But I guess that Chaz is finally ready to make the plunge and has told Rolling Stone all about it! See, you can get the surgery done fairly basic or you can add on some options. So, I guess it's like buying a car or something. (Get one with air conditioning, Chaz! And power windows! You don't want to have to crank that thing by hand!) And really, how many options are there and what are they for? I mean, I don't have a penis of my own, but from what I understand, they only do a couple of things. How many options are really necessary for those things?

According to an article over at The Daily Mail, Chaz told Rolling Stone, "I could get a phalloplasty, which builds the phallus from a donor site on your body, but I'm currently leaning more towards a metoidioplasty". OK. Hold on just a minute here. I don't know what in the world a 'metoidioplasty' is and I'm not sure that I'm all that concerned about it at the moment. That's because I'm way more focused on the part about where they grow you a new wiener from a donor site on your body! What the what?! Like where exactly? I guess they could grow it behind the ear. Granted, you wouldn't be able to put pencils there any more. You know, because of all of the penis that was there. But I suppose it could be done. Wait. Why am I being so complacent all of a sudden?! We're talking about growing a penis on another part of the human body! There should be no complacency!

OK, just calm down. (I wasn't talking to you. It was more for me.) But wait. There's more! The article also goes on to quote: "It's a process that uses what you already have down there, which has grown larger from the testosterone." Umm...can I just be the first one to say EW! See, because I have lady parts and they seem to be at a lovely ratio the way that they are. I can't imagine them growing larger (and you can't make me imagine it, either!). He also seems to think that when it's...you know...soft that it's about three inches. Again, the thought of someone's lady parts being three inches long is just wrong on many different levels. Chaz is also stated that "...it grows considerably....I don't know what the average difference is, but when I'm having sex I probably get three or four times larger." Really? Three to four times larger? I find that hard (no pun intended) to believe. Don't get me wrong. I'm not asking for proof or anything. I'm just saying that those seem like lofty goals.

Bono also admitted in the article that his ex-girlfriend was against him going through with the "bottom surgery". That's really not all that surprising considering that Chaz was going out with this chick when he was still and chick. Her being a lesbian doesn't really seem like it would bode well for an individual who wants to grow their own penis. I guess I'm surprised that she stuck around as long as she did. I mean, it's kind of inevitable that a woman who wants to be a man will one day want a penis. Am I really saying all of this? I need to stop this. Now. Good Lord.

They've Banned Reading Texts

2012-01-04T00:09:00.000-08:00

With every new year comes the hundreds, actually thousands of new laws that go into effect. The majority of them could not be any more ridiculous unless they actually tried. And even then I'm not so sure that the various legislatures around the country would be able to top themselves. California, I'm looking at you!

It has been illegal in California for a couple of years now to send a text message while you are driving. That seems like a reasonable law, as I don't think that it's a good idea that anyone be using the equivalent of a typewriter when they are behind the wheel and whizzing down the freeway at 65mph. But they have now expanded that law into a realm that I find rather inexplicable. Yes, it now illegal to read a text message when you're driving in California.

Are the people who wrote and enacted this ridiculous law aware of the fact that there are an awful lot of things that all drivers read every single time that they get behind the wheel? I don't think that they are. And, in that case, I think that they're going to be really surprised when I tell them about billboards. See, billboards are these massive, hulking signs which line the sides of major roadways across this fine land of ours. Some of them are even electronic and change their displays within seconds of every message. I'm pretty sure that the way that they work is that the drivers who whiz by them are supposed to pay attention to them and read them. Huh. And yet, they haven't outlawed billboards because, well, because that would be stupid.

As long as I'm on the subject of how ridiculous I think that this not reading text messages is, how about if I go over a hypothetical situation? Let's say that I have a GPS in my car and I am looking at it while I drive in order to obtain directions to my destination. How in the world is that any different than, say, if I was headed to a friend's house and instead of looking at my GPS, my friend texted me the directions to his house and I looked at that instead? Oh, that's right. It's NOT different. In fact, it's pretty much the freaking same!

I'm all for not having distracted drivers out there on the road, but let's just get real about what is going to help and what is not going to help. Banning the reading of text messages is NOT going to help. If they want to do something to cut down on the number of distracted drivers, how about they ban eating in the car? At the very least, ban any sort of Mexican-themed fast food fare from those behind the wheel. There is nothing more distracting than trying to drive and eat a crunchy taco without making a mess. It's a heck of a lot more dangerous than glancing at a text message on your phone, I'll tell you that. But no one ever addresses these asinine, yet necessary, hypothetical situations that really call into question the legitimacy of the stupid law to begin with. Maybe I'll start.

You'll Be Fine

2012-01-03T00:08:00.000-08:00

Sadly, I have the feeling that I'm going to be citing this video an awful lot throughout this year. Weep and behold!

The Stupidest Thing of 2012 So Far

2012-01-02T10:06:00.001-08:00

Wow. It is only January 2nd and I have already read the stupidest thing I've read all year. And it's quite possible that it's going to win out as the stupidest thing that I read all year. The thing is that I really can't tell where the stupidity arises from. I don't know if it's from the person who wrote the article (please note my omission of the word 'journalist) or if the article was written in such a way as to appeal to the sort of soft headed moron that might be reading it. Whatever it is, there is so much wrong with it that it's hard to know where to begin. But let's see what I can do.

According to the huffy folks over yonder at The Huffington Post, President Barry has signed the defense bill "despite serious reservations". Now while that may sound idiotic, I'm guessing that the reason that he ended up signing the thing is because, like all other bills, there was a whole bunch of crap in there that had nothing to do with defense that needed to be pushed through. And actually, that part of how bills are drawn up in Washington is completely asinine. Why there is stuff in a defense bill that has to do with unemployment benefits is beyond me. But as ridiculous as all of this is, that's not the stupidest part yet.

No, that honor goes to this part of the article: "Indefinite military detention of Americans became the law of the land Saturday, as President Barack Obama signed a defense bill that codified that authority, even as he said he would not use it."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

You have GOT to be kidding me. President Barry just signed a bill that allows for the government to detain American citizens as long as they want to for whatever reason they want (or don't want) to have and I'm supposed to feel better because he said that he isn't going to do that?! Please, someone, anyone, tell me that the last part was not actually uttered and included in his justification for signing this thing as a way to make anyone feel better. Do these people realize that Barack Obama is not our king? Do they realize that eventually, whether it be this year or four years from now, someone else will be President of the United States? Do they realize that any and all future Presidents can use that authority regardless as to whether President Barry says that he will or will not? Do they realize that if that law is on the books (and it is) that someone will one day use it?! Why am I the only one flipping out over this?!

See, this isn't one of those things where the brain dead argument of "If I'm not doing anything wrong then I don't have anything to worry about" doesn't come into play at all. That's the exact problem with this law! You don't have to be doing anything wrong to have something to worry about. All you need to have is some overzealous a-hole in a position to detain you and that's it. You're screwed. You're indefinitely screwed. If that doesn't chill you to your very core then might I suggest moving somewhere a bit more oppressive than the United States? North Korea, perhaps? You'll love it there.

I cannot believe that President Barry went ahead and signed that bill with that new law in it. What good is our Constitution if there can be federal laws enacted that will essentially strip away all of our rights that are guaranteed to us under said Constitution? And while I'm mad at President Barry, I'm absolutely appalled at Congress, as voted something like 94-6 in favor of this provision. All of those people who voted for this need to be thrown out of their office on their ass as soon as possible. For God's sake, please do not vote in November to re-elect any of these jokers that are currently in office and making decisions like this. Lord only knows what they'll come up with next time.

Happy New Year! It's 2012!!

2012-01-01T14:37:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Or, Happy Saturday (if you tend to look at these things like I do and realize that there's not all that much 'new' going on just because two digits in the year have changed)!

Holy canoli, I did it. I posted at least once, every day, for the fourth year in a row. What is wrong with me? Oh, right, overly opinionated and quite amusing, that's it! Right around 365 posts! I don't care what sort of math you're doing, if you have 365 of something, you have a lot of that thing. And since I'm not one to be a slacker (well, I'm not one to be a slacker so that everyone knows that I'm a slacker. I might be lazy, but I'm crafty!), that is going to have to be the minimum number of posts for me for 2012. And judging from the 2011 debacles that have not yet ironed themselves out, I'm sure that won't seem like such a lofty goal come May or June when I've really got a full head of steam. This blog will practically write itself! (And on some days, that really wouldn't be such a bad idea.) Not to mention that 2012 is an election year and we have Iowa caucuses coming up on Tuesday! That gives me two whole days to figure out what the hell a caucus actually is.

Well, this is all starting to sound a little self serving here, so I need to get to the point that I had meant to hit on to begin with. Pretty much, the only reason that I had for posting every single day for a year was simply just to see if I could. That and to get better at....whatever this is. That's just how I work. If I have an ongoing project, I'd prefer that I continue to improve it and get better at whatever it is that I'm doing. And I really wanted to get better at this...whatever this is. And the first year of doing that was work. The second year, while I thought it would be easier, was more work in some ways (I did not see that coming). And while I think that I have gotten better at it, I know that there's no way I could have done it (nor would there have been a reason for it) over 300 times if it hadn't been for those of you who read this and have encouraged me along the way to keep it up (lest you actually have to hear me rant about something) via your comments, your readership, your emails or just telling me in person:

La Belle Canadienne, (My link to Canada, America's Hat); Remi, my biggest fan in Germany (I'm huge in Europe!); Irritated Tulsan (Some days, he's more irritated than I am!); Granny Ann, for her consistent readership and frequent comments (I love the comments!); My dear, dear friend Julie, for sharing this blog with other people, for leaving great comments and for helping me to think about things in different ways (ie, Christine O'Donnell and Glenn Beck); CW (who was probably the first to let me know that I might be on to something here); Gerard, my London link to all that is whores; Ruth, my UK link to everything but the whores (which is perfectly fine!); CA (who reads the posts, well...who reads the comments in bulk and loves the pictures!), Kate, for reassuring me from time to time that I am still at least a little funny; Scott, for being my far away friend, on the blog and off; King of New York Hacks, for his consistent presence; Terrier, because what's not to like about someone who seems to be around 16 years old and follows a blog like this? Txscwgrl, who finally explained in am easy to understand fashion what the appeal of swinging is. All of my friends who read but don't comment and who include, but are not limited to Robin, Kelly, Patty and C.W. (God, I know I'm forgetting someone there. And I'm sure that I'll hear about it. Soon.) And finally, AliceAmplified (who has helped shape my critical thinking skills, been an avid, yet blog-mocking, supporter as well as the best friend one could ever imagine. She also writes extremely well, which has left me wanting to learn how to express things as well and as concisely as she can. I can get wordy if I'm not careful.).

You guys all rule. Thank you. Thanks for reading. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for coming back. Just thanks.

May all of you have an incredibly awesome 2011.

~ Mare

New Year's Eve 2045

2011-12-31T20:39:00.000-08:00

I'm currently watching the Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve spectacle and I think that it might be highly entertaining. I'm not sure, though. They keep showing clips from the New Year's Rockin' Eve performances from years gone by. Rick Springfield. Hall and Oates. Boy George when he was with Culture Club and was not on heroin. (Well, wasn't getting arrested for being on heroin at least.) The Go-Go's. It's interesting, but I think that I'd like it better if they juxtaposed pictures of how those folks are looking these days against their performances that they made back in their hey day. In fact, I think that's such a great idea that I'm just going to go ahead and do it in advance for some of the acts that are performing tonight. Behold! And happy new year!

2011 Reviewed In Less Than 3 Minutes

2011-12-30T21:12:00.000-08:00

2011 is almost over and not a moment too soon if you're asking me. Not that I'm anticipating that 2012 is going to be any better. Good Lord, it's an election year. How could it be better? In fact, just thinking about it depresses me. But before I go off all into my pit of despair, let's take a brief look back at 2011. And let's do so courtesy of Google and via a smug little video that they put together, shall we? (Click here if it doesn't play below.) Behold!

That's Unfortunate

2011-12-29T20:38:00.001-08:00

Kim Jong IL, the little runt that ran North Korea died about a week ago. He had a penchant for ladies glasses and platform shoes, as well as running his country with an iron fist. Too bad he wasn't named Kim Jong Healthy. Maybe he would have been around a little longer. (I know. I know. It's a horrible joke. But it's not the last of them, so consider yourself warned.) But now he's dead and his son is taking over.

His son is named Kim Jong Un. While Kim Jong IL was referred to as "Dear Leader", the new guy will be referred to as the "Supreme Leader". Really? The Supreme Leader? So, is the guy after him going to be called the "Bell Grande Leader"? (Hey, it was between that and a Diana Ross joke! Just back off! I'm still under the weather!) And I was hoping that with a new jazzy name like Supreme Leader that there might be some other snazzy changes on the way. Sadly, I was wrong.

North Korea's Taco Supreme's National Defense Commission announced today that "On this occasion, we solemnly declare with confidence that foolish politicians around the world including the puppet forces in South Korea should not expect any changes from us." Grand. So I guess that it's 'Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss." for North Korea. Not that most of its citizens will know any different. The previous leaders had done a bang up job of isolating those poor folks from the rest of the world. No Internet. No travel. Not much of anything other than a lot of dark colored wool clothing from what I can tell. It's all very unfortunate. Though he did call politicians 'foolish', so I will give him credit for that. But that's it.

With any sort of humanitarian changes seemingly off the table for now, I guess all I will have to look forward to under this new regime are all of the accomplishments that Kim Jong Un will create for himself, much as his father did. As you may or may not care to remember, Kim Jong IL had a very impressive list of accomplishments that include, but are not limited to:

Being an "Internet expert". (Hard to know what that means for a guy who doesn't allow Internet in his country. Maybe that means he knows how to flip the ON/OFF switch without assistance or something. He could also be extremely astute with The Google. Many, many choices on that one.)

Claiming to have shot "multiple" holes-in-one (hole-in-ones?) on his first attempt at golf. Oh, and let's not forget his finishing 38-under par. Sure. That happened.

Says that he composed six operas. (Really? With all of his time spent dictating and oppressing, did he really have time for opera writing? And where are these operas? Oh, nowhere? OK, then.)

Yeah, this new guy, he's going to fly himself to Mars, isn't he? Or cure AIDS? Or be able to pass a football around the world? I'm expecting big things from Taco Supreme. Unfortunately, none of the things that he is going to be able to concoct in his own mind are going to do anything to help the people who are in North Korea.

No One Would Like That

2011-12-28T19:53:00.001-08:00

I have a raging cold right now and I feel like absolute hell. Not hellish enough to not spend some time browsing the Internets now and then, but still pretty bad. And whilst I was doing said browsing I came across this:

Why would I like that?! I'm guessing that no one would like that, especially the guy whose wiener was attacked by a snake in a toilet! Good Lord, people.

No Wonder They're Closing

2011-12-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

Apparently Sears is going to be closing a bunch of stores due to poor holiday sales. This according to the Glendale News-Press. Now, the article goes into minor details about the aforementioned poor holidays sales and how that would affect an undetermined number of stores and jobs. Then the article includes a picture. Behold!

What in the world is going on there?! No wonder the stores are closing. They have a Brinks armored car plowed into the side of the building and some other random vehicle that has been smashed all to hell up on the sidewalk! I don't know about you, but I tend to avoid shopping at establishments with vehicular mayhem on the sidewalks. Call me crazy, but I like to know that the chances for my getting flattened by a Brinks truck or sideswiped on the sidewalk by an Audi are slim to none. At the very least, I like to shop places where there are not pictures in the paper of those sorts of things happening.

I only came across this article through the help of my friend Kelly, who ever so graciously passed along this little gem to me. Thanks, Kelly!

Ungrateful Christmas Tweets

2011-12-26T11:56:00.000-08:00

Well, Christmas is over and that means it's time to scour Twitter to see how many people are out there that I want to have eradicated from the planet. I'm not a huge fan of Twitter to begin with. I think it has something to do with the fact that when you can only have 140 characters and everything that people write consists of too many abbreviations and misspellings. Seriously, I could do without ever again seeing a word that ends with a 'Z' instead of the 'S'. (It's NOT cool! It makes you look like an illiterate dimwit.) Anyway, here is a compilation of some of the post-Christmas tweets from the most ungrateful members of our species. Seriously, it is stuff like this that makes me build the wall around my walled off compound even higher. (I know that it's too small to read, but if you click on this link and then click on the image that the link takes you to, you'll be able to see all of this asininity in its full fledged glory. Try not to stab yourself when you're done reading. Oh, and congratulations if you actually make it to the end of the tweets. I almost didn't.)

Merry Christmas 2011!

2011-12-25T00:02:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I could come up with something ludicrous to put here today. But I think I'll pass. It's Christmas. It just wouldn't seem....right. You know, kinda like one of those inflatable, lit up, manger scenes in someone's front yard? You know that the people mean well, but it just doesn't translate into the "feeling of Christmas" all that great.

I don't know if this is going to translate into the "feeling of Christmas" all that great either. So to make sure that nothing gets lost in translation, I'm keepin' it short. (But just in case it does get lost in translation, I really am shootin' for the whole "feeling of Christmas" thing here. Just so you know.)

I'm grateful for this day because it's kinda where it all started or where it all starts. Without the historical events which took place on this day, I wouldn't have a chance to be forgiven for all of the times and all of the things that I screw up. And there's a lot of 'em. Trust me. And it's not just me that has that opportunity. It's everyone. Including all of the morons that I mock incessantly. They too can (surprisingly) be forgiven for all of their evil-doings and their oh-so moronic ways.

The whole Christmas thing just makes me happy. And I try to share that happiness with others when given the opportunity. (And in forms other than this blog. Hey. Why are you laughing?) And this year I had an excellent opportunity to spread my own little version of happiness and I totally took fully advantage of said opportunity (seemingly to the delight of others, which was the point). I also try to enjoy those around me and those in my life and give them just one day where their obvious shortcomings don't annoy me. That's my way of spreadin' the joy. That alone makes others grateful as well. Give it a try is all I'm sayin'.

And you know, I really do have more heartfelt feelings about people in my life than I either care to admit or am capable of expressing without either scaring the other person or becoming inadvertently engaged to four different individuals when I'm done. And at the risk of doing either or both of those things, I'd like to let those of you that I know personally know that I think you're all just great. Some a little greater than others, which means there are a few of you who really need to start pulling your weight a bit more, but I still love ya. Usually. And for those of you whom I don't know personally but who read this blog (and don't leave jackass comments), well, I think you guys are just swell also and I appreciate all of the reading. I know it's not always easy and that's why I really appreciate the effort.

So Merry Christmas. Now go spread some cheer. Or some love. Or both. You've got the whole rest of the year for complaing and mocking all of the other crap. Today? Love, cheer, and thanks. Spread a little of that around, will ya? It's Christmas, for cryin' out loud!

He's "Sick"

2011-12-24T21:08:00.001-08:00

Apparently, pretty, pretty John Edwards is not looking forward to his trial for being a sneaky (and likely thieving) weasel with his campaign finances. And really, who would look forward to something like that? But John Edwards, being the pansy that he is, seems to be willing to do whatever he can in an attempt to avoid the inevitable.

According to the Huffington Post, Mr. Edwards "...says he has been diagnosed with a medical condition that would make it difficult for him to attend his approaching criminal trial over campaign finances and is asking for it to be delayed". Uh-huh. A medical condition that will make it difficult for him to...sit in a courtroom? What in the hell kind of "illness" makes it so that you can't sit? Hemorrhoids? I'm pretty sure that they already have treatments for that. Then again, Mr. Edwards hemorrhoids could be caused by him having his head so far up his arse. Hard to say if there's treatment for that.

Now, his lawyers have filed a motion with the court to have his trial postponed because of said medical condition. And they seemed to be OK with letting everyone else know that they were doing this, though they weren't willing to disclose exactly what the ailment is. Shocking, I know. The article also doesn't say how long they need to postpone for. Again, shocking.

Edwards has already postponed his trial once before on the grounds that he needed "... more time to prepare his defense and attend his daughter's wedding." Attend his daughter's wedding?! They postpone the start of trials for stuff like that? Is that because of the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing? It must be. I can't think of any other reason why they'd go for something like that. Oh, well, there is one reason I can think of. He was a fairly prominent politician (whom everyone liked until he cheated on his cancer-ridden wife with some tramp who he allegedly gave campaign funds to). I'll bet that had something to do with it.

Stay tuned to find out what is ailing John Edwards and when his trial will actually start. If everything that is going on pre-trial is any indication of what the trial is going to be like, I think we could end up with a circus on our hands. Yay! I love me a good circus!

Roll The Clip

2011-12-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

Remember the two idiots from yesterday? The one who had cocaine up his butt and the other one who ate it out of his butt and died? Yeah. Those idiots. Well, I found video of them when they were in the back of the police car! It appears to be before the ingenious cocaine-in-ass-eating plan was hatched. And the moron who was carrying the coke up his butt is just a wuss. His voice is all high pitched like a little girl's. (And that's offensive to little girls because I have the feeling that they would have been able to man up more than that dude did.) It's kind of hard to hear exactly what they're saying. I think his grill gets in the way of proper enunciation or something. Also, I'm pretty sure that he starts to cry at one point. Now, if you're hoping to actually see the one guy turn the other guy's backside into a drug laden buffet, you're going to be sorely disappointed. And I can pretty much guarantee that you're not going to be overly surprised, either. Now, if it had shown the actual part where the actual cocaine ingestion takes place, then you would have been surprised. But this is just stupid in action. Enjoy! (If the link doesn't work, click here.)

He Did What?

2011-12-22T15:21:00.000-08:00

You know what is an important thing to learn early on in life? Taking responsibility. Yes, it really sucks when you get caught doing something that you weren't supposed to be doing in the first place, but it's important that you learn how to admit that you were in the wrong and then accept the consequences that come your way as a result. See, because if Wayne Mitchell had taken that advice he probably wouldn't have tried to help his brother try to get out of being caught with a bunch of cocaine. And if he had done that, well, it's almost certain that he wouldn't have ate the cocaine that was in his brother's arse at the time. (Yes, you read that correctly.) And if he hadn't eaten the ass-coke, he would probably be alive today. I'm just saying.

Here's the story according to something called Click Orlando. It seems that Deangelo Mitchell and his brother, 20-year-old Wayne Mitchell, were "...taken into custody on allegations they had drugs in their car." (And trust me when I tell you that everyone reading this is going to wish that they did have their drugs in the car instead of where they actually were.) Now, I don't know where they were when "the incident" took place, but the picture accompanying the story seems to imply that they were in the back of the police car. I could be wrong though. However, if you were hoping to put together a good visual to go along with this nuttiness, go with the back of the police car. It looked like this. Behold!

So that's one of them. I can't say that he looks real bright. Maybe I'm wrong, though. Maybe he's a genius. (I'm not wrong and you know it. He's not exactly Rainman.) The point here is that when they were arrested, Deangelo had a butt full of drugs. Literally. There were drugs in his butt. Maybe his pockets were full. I don't really know. But Deangelo knew. He knew of the drugs that had been inserted into his rectum. And he knew that the cops would eventually find them as well. That's when his mission became clear. He needed to remove the drugs from his butt. But how?

Funny you should ask. Deangelo decided to ask his brother for a favor. That favor was for Wayne to apparently remove the cocaine from Deangelo's rectal cavity by using his teeth/mouth. Bluntly put, he wanted him to eat it out of there. Now, before you go off all thinking that was a crazy thing one to do, just remember that Wayne agreed to it. Who's the crazy one now, huh? And before you go thinking for sure that it's Wayne, just let me first tell you that he DID get the cocaine out of Deangelo's butt. So, it's not like he agreed to anything that he couldn't follow through with. (I really have no idea what I'm saying here. I find this entire story so disgusting and unbelievable that I'm kind of at a loss for words and I'm really trying to wing it here without flipping out.)

But it turns out that swallowing an entire ounce of cocaine can kill you. Who knew? Well, I'm assuming that Wayne didn't know. Considering that he's now dead, I'm guessing that he has some idea about that now. That's right. It killed him. According to North Charleston Police Chief Jon Zumalt "It's sickening." Hard to disagree with that. He also added, "I got upset when I saw the whole thing. I was pretty shocked on it." Wait. When you...saw the whole thing?! Did this guy used to work at Penn State or something?! How does one see the whole thing and not maybe intervene before the whole thing is over?! How does someone see the whole thing and not make it so that it isn't a whole entire thing?! What is going on over there in North Charleston anyway?! Whatever it is, make it STOP! This is NOT the kind of thing that we can have going on all the time! Just having it go on ONCE is bad enough. Good Lord, what in the world is wrong with people?!

Incorrect Delivery Technique

2011-12-21T20:47:00.000-08:00

Hey, FedEx guy! I know that it's Christmas time and that you're all busy with a ton of packages and everything, but relax. There's no need to be throwing packages that contain computer monitors over the fence! One, it's rude. Two, I'm pretty sure that your job description has something in it about not throwing things that you're delivering. Just a guess. I've never worked for FedEx, so it's entirely possible that I'm wrong. But I have a hard time believing that the tossing of packages over a fence is not frowned upon within the FedEx establishment. Check it out below. Not cool, FedEx. Not cool at all.

Politically Correct Christmas Carols

2011-12-20T20:57:00.000-08:00

You know that the war on Christmas is going to get to the point where nothing is allowed. Nothing as we know it, that is. I imagine that we'll still be able to have some things, but not the really nice things. We'll end up being regulated to things like the "Politically Correct Christmas Carols" which I have included below. Behold!

Why Are They Crying?

2011-12-19T20:12:00.000-08:00

So, Kim Jong Il died. And while it might seem as if everyone is better off without him, we really don't know anything about his son who is replacing him. He could be even crazier. (Yes, I realize it's hard to imagine someone crazier than a guy who claims that he made eleven holes-in-one during a single round of golf. But this is his son. Apple...tree...it wouldn't surprise me if this little runt is just as nuts as the newly deceased little runt.) All I'm saying is that we shouldn't get too excited just quite yet.

But speaking of crazy, can we just talk for a minute about the reaction of the North Koreans? These are people who live in what is essentially a hermit country. Their nation doesn't play well with the rest of the world. And these people live without much at all. There are food shortages and power outages all of the time. And they have so little freedom (as is usually the case with a police state). I guess I would have thought that they all would have been rejoicing at the death of this little guy. But it was actually quite the opposite. They were distraught. I mean up-set. They were crying and inconsolable. It's quite fascinating to watch. I guess when you don't know any different that you don't know what you're missing. I certainly hope that with the death of Kim Jong Il that the people will be able to learn what they're missing...for the better. The video of the people freaking out is below. If it doesn't work, click here.

Not Everyone Left

2011-12-18T15:22:00.000-08:00

This morning, I received a rather disingenuous email from President Barry. It read as follows:

Mary --

Early this morning, the last of our troops left Iraq.

As we honor and reflect on the sacrifices that millions of men and women made for this war, I wanted to make sure you heard the news.

Bringing this war to a responsible end was a cause that sparked many Americans to get involved in the political process for the first time. Today's outcome is a reminder that we all have a stake in our country's future, and a say in the direction we choose.

Thank you.

Barack

Yeah, um, let's talk about for just a second, shall we? Do you know where the largest United State Embassy is in the world? Yeah, it's in Baghdad. Why is this not mentioned more? What do you think we're doing by building our largest embassy right there in the middle of Iraq? No, really. What do you think? Because I can't figure it out. Regardless, our presence in Iraq is now permanent due to that embassy. Yes, I realize that the embassy is not a military base. My point here is that I'm tired of this withdrawal of troops from Iraq being portrayed as the US being completely absent from Iraq because that's simply not true. And it doesn't sound as good. I imagine that it might raise some questions that people don't want to answer during an election year as well.

And about the troops. Sure, the troops have "exited" Iraq. But everything that I read about this "exit" makes it sound as if there are NO Americans left Iraq who are working for the US government. According to CNN, "The United States will still maintain a presence in Iraq: hundreds of nonmilitary personnel, including 1,700 diplomats, law enforcement officers, and economic, agricultural and other experts, according to the State Department. In addition, 5,000 security contractors will protect Americans and another 4,500 contractors will serve in other roles." Wait a minute. 5,000 security contractors? What sort of security and for whom? I thought that we were "out of Iraq". Oh, that's right. For some reason, the White House and the State Department don't consider non-military personnel to be worthy of mentioning. Hmmm...I wonder who those security contractors operate under? Someone has to be giving them directions, right? Am I supposed to believe that it is someone other than our government? Because I'm really not going to do that. They can call it whatever they want to call it, but to keep saying over and over that the US is "out of Iraq" is really borderline lying. Really borderline.

So there you have it. At least 10,000 contractors and embassy related personnel are still in Iraq. The world's biggest embassy is in Baghdad. But President Barry and the State Department are going around touting the departure of the US from Iraq. And for some reason, the media is buying right into that hype and continuing to report it that way. That's because the media sucks. Sucks bad.

A Year Of Being Unnecessarily Censored

2011-12-17T20:22:00.000-08:00

Jimmy Kimmel has put together "This YEAR In Unnecessary Censorship". Unnecessary censorship being where they bleep things out even though they're not "dirty" or inappropriate. It's fantastic. And when you listen to it, you really do think that they bleeped out something that was unsuitable for the dainty ears of the viewer. Which then brings up the question as to whether or not it has actually been made inappropriate when it wasn't and isn't. I'm still not sure. You can decide for yourself. The video is below. Behold!

A Very Calvin Christmas

2011-12-16T19:41:00.000-08:00

The house below is in Rocklin, CA. It is, quite possibly, one of the greatest example of how to decorate your yard for Christmas in a delightful manner. What's not to love? Some of those clear, dangly lights in the background. A few unobtrusive accentuating spotlights. And Calvin and Hobbes (complete with Calvin's famous striking snowmen). It's Christmas at its best. (Seriously, if you don't smile at this, you're dead inside.)

Anti-Elfs on Shelfs

2011-12-15T12:16:00.000-08:00

Are you familiar with Elf on the Shelf? Apparently it's huge. Not the elf itself, the concept. You can click on the link above if you want to know more, but essentially, it works like this: You buy this book that comes with this elf doll. Then you read the book to your kids and put the elf on, you guessed it, a shelf. But the fun doesn't stop there! No, every night when your kids are asleep, you're supposed to move the elf somewhere else. Then your kids get to get up in the morning and see that the elf has moved and just be all excited with glee and joy or something like that. I guess it sounds kind of cute. Sort of charming, perhaps. There's something that really appeals to kids about leaving something in one place when they go to bed and then finding it "magically" moved or gone when they wake up. I remember thinking it was the coolest thing when I'd get up on Christmas morning to find that the cookies that I left out for Santa were gone. I don't know why I dug that so much, but I really did. (I'm not much different now. It doesn't take much to entertain me. Ooh! Shiny!)

Even if I had kids, I don't know if I could pull off Elf on the Shelf. Sure, it seems easy enough, but I have the feeling that I'd suck at it. In fact, I know how I can sum up how it would probably turn out for me. I can link you to a blog called People I Want to Punch in the Throat. The chick that writes over there is funny. (NOT funnier than me, however. Don't get any ideas about defecting. I'm the funny one and you read this! Just wanted to make that clear.) Give her a read. Get the full story on the Elf on the Shelf. Let me know what you think. I'm still not getting an elf, though.

Bad Website Design 101

2011-12-14T00:09:00.000-08:00

Today's topic is introduction to bad website design. I'll be your host. What you are about to witness is real. Frighteningly real. I don't know who ever thought that any of these websites were good ideas, but someone must have because they're out there and they currently exist today. Granted, I realize that people got all gung-ho with things that you could do to websites when the Internet first started becoming accessible to folks who really probably shouldn't have ever had access in the first place. But even still, wouldn't you know from looking at some of these that they are just not a good idea.

Let's start with Bobdul Johnson, Attorney at Law. (You're going to have to click and then come back. Sorry about that.) You're really missing out if you don't at least skim through his FAQs. It probably doesn't bode well for this guy that when you click on the link that says "List of cases won/settled out of court" that the link is broken. Not surprising or anything like that. Mostly just amusing.

Now we're going to take a look at what appears to be the personal website of a chap named Govind Tiwari. Mr. Tiwari seems to really enjoy Photoshopping his image into and onto just about everything. He also is a very proficient blinker. The most pressing question that I have is why his cell phone number only works on Sundays. I'm contemplating calling on Sunday and asking him.

Here we have a website by a one Michael Blount. His site was created during the dawn of the Internet. Michael obviously realized that the Internet had a huge potential when it came to meeting chicks and forming relationships with them, so his eleven year old self set up a page where his "future girlfriend" could hear what he sounded like and see what he looked like and then she could send him a message and their lives of bliss together could begin. (Yeah, that never happened. And not because his site wasn't a success, but because Mike turned out to be gay.) You'll want to have your speakers on so you can hear his soft, creepy little voice.

Yvette wanted to sell bridal dresses. I guess she must have gone insane in the process because her website, Yvette's Bridal Formal is, well, insane. Oh, and if you still have your speakers turned up from the last one, you might want to turn them down just a bit, lest you be bombarded with the ragtime piano music that constantly plays in the background of this disaster.Over here, we have Mahir. Mahir seems to want to meet a woman. I guess that's why he opened with "I KISS YOU!!!!! It's kind of forward. Maybe he might want to consider toning it down just a bit. Or removing the website altogether. Whichever.

And finally, we have this weird Peter Pan guy. And as weird as that is, somehow, the guy manages to make some money off of it. I guess he sells his "music" and various other items like mouse pads and what not. The whole thing frightens me, really. And it's weird. But really, to each their own, right? Right. But could they at least do "their own" with better web design? Please?

Troll Parents Strike Again

2011-12-13T18:23:00.000-08:00

You know why I don't have children? Well, there are several reasons. Most of which are better than the one I'm about to mention right now. I would just like trolling the little guys too much. I'd be like Calvin's dad from Calvin and Hobbes. It wouldn't be good. I'd have very misinformed and confused children. I think that Jimmy Kimmel must be the same way. Check out the video below of what happened when he asked people who had kids to let them open one Christmas present a couple of weeks early. The catch is that the "present" wasn't exactly anything that the kids would have wanted, nor was it really anything that would be normally be called a "present". The kids were pretty good sports, though. That poor little boy that got the activity book for a girl! He was not impressed. Click here if the video doesn't play.

No Senators Needed

2011-12-12T00:03:00.000-08:00

Recently, there have been at least a couple of incidents (which is at least a couple too many) of elderly passengers going through airport security and being strip searched. And I'm pretty sure that we can all agree that this is just absolutely asinine. That 85-year old woman in Florida who is getting on a plane to New Hampshire or wherever she was going is NOT a terrorist. She's not. I know it. You know it. But do you know who doesn't know it? Some jackass at the TSA. That is correct.

And now, of course, a couple of senators feel the need to get involved in all of this in the most idiotic way ever. According to MSNBC, U.S. Sen. Charles Schumer and state Sen. Michael Gianaris (both D-umbasses) "...want to place a passenger advocate at airports to immediately act on complaints from passengers about security screenings." What? Why?

Here's an idea: How about if the TSA DOES NOT hire idiots? How about if the TSA immediately FIRES anyone who is stupid enough to make an 85-year old woman in a wheelchair take off her pants and underpants? How about THAT? And how about if those senators stay the hell out of this? This has nothing to do with them. They're senators. That doesn't mean that they get to get involved in anything and everything that might be occurring in the country at any given time. (If you have no earthly idea as to what I could be referring to, please see all of the Congressional hearings regarding steroid use in baseball.)

I'd really like to know how these mouth breathers manage to keep their jobs after strip searching an 85-year old woman. Geez. Good work if you can get it, I suppose. And as much as I dislike the TSA and their refusal to hire people who understand what their job actually is (Here's a hint: It is not to subject elderly people who are obviously not terrorists to strip searches.), the last thing that we need to do is to have Congress get involved. And I'm pretty sure that they have things that are a little more Congress-y to do and keep them busy without their butting into this TSA business.

Ten

2011-12-11T12:47:00.000-08:00

Here's a story that has so much wrong with it in just the first three paragraphs that it's difficult to continue reading. The headline was off-putting enough. "10-year old Mexican girl gives birth to baby boy after 31-week pregnancy". Eww. And, oh God. Hard to believe that gets worse, eh? Well, I don't know if it's 'worse' exactly, but it sure as hell ain't better.

The article goes on to say that "The premature infant, which weighed 3.3 pounds, was born by Caesarian section...and is in the intensive care unit recovering from pneumonia." 3.3 pounds. I bought a chicken the other day that was more than 3.3 pounds! That's a tiny baby. But, wait! There's more. It also says that "The young mother...has returned home after the procedure but visits the baby every day to breastfeed". A ten year old. Breast feeding. Why in the world was this allowed to happen?! She's TEN! There are a lot of things that ten-year olds should be doing, but breast feeding certainly is not among those things!

Now, I don't know if the family would have been interested in an abortion (even though I kind of think that they probably should have been), but it wouldn't have mattered anyway because in Mexico, the "...minimum age of consent is 12". Soooo...wait. A ten-year old gets knocked up somehow (they are currently "...investigating whether the girl could have been raped and who the father is") and there is not an abortion option?! How is that possible?! There is every time of sick bastard in the world out there and nothing can be put past any of them. So if they just happen to get a child pregnant and that child is under 12, then that child is basically forced to go through a pregnancy!? And have a freaking baby?! Our neighbors to the south, ladies and gentlemen. How 'bout a big round of applause? No? Ok, then.

This is insane. A ten-year old is in what...fourth grade? Good Lord, a fourth grader should not be having children. And if someone is raped, I don't care how old they are, they shouldn't be caught up in some sort of a legality that puts them in the position to be essentially forced to have a child that they don't want. Way to go, Mexico. And for all of you jackass lawmakers and religious nutjobs in this country that think that abortion should be greatly restricted or outlawed altogether, you people need to step into reality for a minute and ask yourself about situations like this horror that went on. She's ten! And I'm nauseous.

Totally There

2011-12-10T18:21:00.000-08:00

Saw these at Target today. And I realize what that tag says. But those are anything but "barely there".

He Won't Pay It

2011-12-09T19:09:00.000-08:00

The latest celebretard to come out and say that they'd be willing to pay more taxes is none other than Jay-Z. He's got 99 problems, but a tax ain't one. According to the Huffington Post, Mr. Z was on CNN when he uttered this statement: "Me, personally, I wouldn't mind paying more in taxes if it went to the things that really mattered," he said to CNN. "If it went to education, to people in poverty, I wouldn't mind." Oh, good Lord.

If it went to things that really mattered?! Now, I realize that he has just stated what he thinks "matter". Those things being like people in poverty and education. I love it when people like him think that the way to solve a problem is to just throw more money at it. How about if, before the subject of raising taxes comes up, we find places where we can cut? How about if we find waste and stop it? Everyone just wants to spend while there are ineffective programs and departments all over the place that we could cut which would free up or save some money. Why don't any of these people who think that their offer to pay more taxes is so gracious, how come they don't ever mention the incredible waste that is going on?

Well, I think that this next statement of Mr. Z's might answer that question (or at least give you some insight into the answer). He also said: "I think most people with a conscience, with some integrity and moral fiber wouldn't have any problem paying more taxes." Oh, spare me. People with a conscience and moral fiber?! THOSE are the people who wouldn't have a problem paying more taxes?! What about people with half a brain in their head who realize that the amount of waste and fraud and abuse is abundant and that just blindly throwing more money at the same people who are responsible for all of the waste isn't going to do anything?!

And I'm just going to mention again that if someone wants to pay more taxes, they are free to do so. There is a little box on your tax form that you can check if you would like to contribute more than you legally owe. So there you have it, Jay-Z. I will wait to hear back from you after April 15, 2012 when you have paid not only the taxes that you legally owe, but (because you're clearly a man with some integrity and moral fiber) that you also contributed more than you were required. And of course I have no reason to doubt that he'll do that, right? He's obviously very serious about it, so of course he'll check that little box and send in a boatload of more money. And the best part is that he won't even have a problem with it! Yeah. Right. If he ends up voluntarily paying more than he legally owes, I will eat my computer piece by piece. And I'm clearly not worried that something like that would happen because he isn't going to do that. I have yet to see any of these celebretards who say that they're willing to pay more taxes actually do it. Pipe down, Jay-Z.

Nice Coat, Rick

2011-12-08T18:17:00.000-08:00

Remember yesterday's post about Rick Perry's commercial where he comes across as...well...if he didn't come across as anti-gay, he certainly didn't come across as pro-gay. Not that he has to come across as pro-gay. That's not what I'm saying. But he certainly didn't come across as being very accepting that people who are gay are just people. My point here is that the next time (and why do I have the feeling that there's going to actually be a next time?) he might want to do a little research on his attire before making the statements that he made. I mean, if you're going to paint yourself out to be anti-gay, you might want to at least try and differentiate your wardrobe from those that you 'dislike'. I'm just saying. Behold!

Maybe That's Not Exactly What He Meant

2011-12-07T15:57:00.001-08:00

Rick Perry has a new campaign video out. Without jumping directly into hate mode (as it seems so many people seem to be inclined to do about said video), I'm going to say that I hope I know what he was trying to say. I'm going to hope that he was just trying to say that it's OK to celebrate Christmas in school and that people shouldn't worry about any sort of backlash from doing so. I'm going to hope that he was trying to make a comparison by using something that is just as loopy sounding as the whole war on Christmas. Do I think he did a good job with it? God, no. He comes across as a homophobic ass. Do I think it's a terrible commercial that is probably going to do more harm than good? Absolutely. So why am I hoping that he just went about sending his message in the wrong manner? Just because. Because if how he came across is actually how he is, and the fact that he was once thought to be the Republican front runner for their Presidential nomination, well, that can't be good for anything. The video is below. If it doesn't play, try clicking here.

The Donald Trump Debate

2011-12-06T18:30:00.000-08:00

Can someone please explain to me this idiotic ritual that the Republicans who are running for the Presidential nomination seem to engage in when they pander to Donald Trump? Why are they meeting with him? Why do they feel it is so necessary to get his seal of approval (and probably to kiss his ring)? Since when does Donald Trump have anything at all to do with American politics and how they're run?!

I thought that we would have heard the last from The Donald after the tantrum that he put on regarding President Barry's birth certificate. Trump did everything but come right out and say that he didn't believe that President Barry was born in this country. He even said that he had 'investigators' over the in Hawaii and that we wouldn't believe they things that they were finding. (And really, if the 'things' that they were 'finding' were that he was actually born in this country, I highly doubt that I would have been surprised by that.) He made himself look exactly like the tool that he apparently is.

And now what is happening? Why, he's holding his own debate, that's what! How does that happen? Why does he get to hold a debate? (Can anyone do that? Because I've got some questions! Oh, boy, do I have questions.) He's a reality TV show host/star. That's how most people know who he is these days. If he didn't have Celebrity Apprentice, would we be having this conversation? I don't think that we would. And if that is the case, why him? How is he any better than Kim Kardashian? She's a reality show star. Is she going to host a debate next?! Dear Lord. I can't even go there.

So far, however, some of the Republican candidates have shown at least a shred of common sense (which is a trait that has been absent from most of the previous debates so far). Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman and Mitt Romney have all said that they won't be attending Donald Trump's debate. The only ones who have committed to going are Newt Gingrich (who might be really smart, but seems to be a soulless, unethical weasel) and Rick Santorum (who doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of locking up the nomination). I can see why Newt would go as him and Donald Trump both seem to be self-important blowhards who love themselves an awful lot. And as far as Rick Santorum goes, well, his showing up to this thing really accentuates just one more reason why we don't want him anywhere near the presidency.

This thing needs to not happen. Donald Trump needs no encouragement in this arena. We need serious debates with people that are actually invested in the process and not out for their own personal promotion. And really, I know we're doomed, but why speed up the process by letting Donald Trump do whatever he wants?

Just Some Stuff

2011-12-05T19:24:00.000-08:00

How about just a post about some random things? Yes? Good. Let's start with when I Googled "put Christ back in Christmas" and ended up with this:

Went to Walmart today and saw these. Now, they might be a lot of things, but barely there is not one of them.

The neighbor down the street has gone full retard this Yuletide season. Thank God that he's actually around the bend, otherwise I think I'd have a hard time falling asleep.

My friend sent me this picture that he snapped when passing by the Occupy Santa Cruz gathering. He said it appeared to be about 20 of your typical Santa Cruz hippie type just hanging out amidst the very strong aroma of marijuana.

Also from Santa Cruz, this poster asking for help in locating a missing key to a BMW. If he would only reword his poster, it would really help me give half a crap.

Am I the only one that sees a smiling woman with wild hair driving on this lamp? I noticed it the other day and now I can't unsee it.

Then there was this at a grocery store the other day. I cannot even imagine the sound that thing made as she dragged it all over the store. You'd think that would have tipped her off that it wasn't for personal use.

And finally, if you have to set a mousetrap, you might want to check it often. That's because mice, apparently, don't give an eff. I mean, in this case, they actually do, but they really don't.

Dogs Don't Need Clothes

2011-12-04T18:25:00.000-08:00

Some people live in climates where it will snow when it's wintertime. I don't have snow here. I have this. (And while it was really freaking cold outside, dogs don't need clothes. They're dogs. The not needing clothes is implied. And I think he knows that. He looks a little humiliated.)

Another Jerry Sandusky Interview

2011-12-03T11:31:00.001-08:00

Who in the hell is Jerry Sandusky's lawyer? I need to know so that I can make sure that, should the need ever arise (and I can't for the life of me imagine a scenario in which it would) and I need a lawyer, I can make damn sure that I don't hire him. Good Lord. Is his lawyer authorizing these interviews that Sandusky is giving to the press? Oh. Wait. Did I not mention that Sandusky gave another interview, this time on camera? And did I mention that (to no real surprise) that it comes off as a complete disaster if he is still going to try to maintain his innocence (which he seems to be doing, albeit poorly)? I left those out? My bad. Here's the interview Sandusky did with a reporter who appears to be from the New York Times (The actual interview part is only about 2:45 in length. Also, try to not be annoyed when the Good Morning America guy pronounces it as 'lenth'.):

"Those allegations are false. I didn't do those things....I don't know." Right, Jerry. It's all just craaaaaaaaazy that you're being charged with at least forty counts of child touching in one form or another. "I don't know." Yeah, that's really not the best defense and it certainly is probably the worst explanation ever.

In regard to what Joe Paterno said to him after Paterno learned of the allegations against Sandusky: "I don't know that he didn't know. I know that he didn't never said anything to me." I'm going to overlook the "didn't never" debacle simply because this is just so full of crap that grammatical correctness should probably be the least of Sandusky's worries after this interview aired. Oh, and way to throw Paterno under the bus. I'm not saying that Paterno doesn't deserve to be under the bus (as he most likely does and I'd really like to be driving said bus), but way to go.

When asked about his reaction to being confronted with the time that Mike McQueary (allegedly) saw him raping a little boy in the Penn State showers: "Yeah...uh...I told him that it didn't happen. And uh, you know, in my mind, there wasn't inappropriate behavior." Oh. My. God. So, he's just one of those guys who thinks that the man-boy love is perfectly all right, isn't he? What do those sickos call themselves? NAMBLA? Given that answer (and that he was smiling about it and appeared to be adjusting his shoes when he was responding), I'm leaning in that direction. So, in his mind, raping a little boy isn't inappropriate at all. Ok, then. (By the way, it SO is!) Wow. This guy is weird. Way to go, Penn State, for letting him continue to roam your campus and bring young boys there for freaking years! The whole campus should just be burned the to ground and rebuilt or something. This whole thing makes me sick.

When asked about his bizarre response to Bob Costas when Costas asked him if he was sexually attracted to young boys, he said: "I was sitting there saying just 'What in the world is this question?'" Yeah, it's a head scratcher all right. You're charged with over forty counts of child touching and someone asks you if you're sexually attracted to young boys. Completely out of the blue! Who would have seen that coming?!

And trying to explain that question is where he dooms himself. He actually says, "Am I gonna be...If I say "No, I'm not attracted to boys" that's not the truth because I'm attracted to young people. Boys...girls..." And then he stops talking because off camera, someone is speaking loudly to him. The voice over on the video suggests it might be his dumbass lawyer who was apparently cool with him doing this sort of interview in the first place.

Whatever. This is just irritating me to the point where my commentary is going to end here. This guy obviously has a jackass for an attorney and I'm actually glad about that. I hate it when these sorts of scumbags have some slick lawyer who can get them off on some sort of technicality even though they're obviously guilty as hell. Sandusky is guilty as hell and if all goes well, he'll be spending the rest of his life in prison (where one can only hope that he'll get a taste of some of his own behavior that he didn't think was inappropriate). These interviews are just too damning for him to get off, especially when he's being represented by a lawyer who not only lets him do these sorts of things, but hangs out and watches as they go down. I hope his trial is televised because with his idiot lawyer at the helm, Sandusky will probably take the stand. THAT is something that I'd like to see, as he will get torn to shreds by the prosecutors. Bring it on.

I'm Ready For My Close Up, Mr. DeMille

2011-12-02T21:53:00.000-08:00

I have just stumbled upon a rather disturbing Tumblr called Celebrity Close Up. It's just what it sounds like it is. It's a bunch of really close pictures of celebrities. And I mean close. Like scary close. Like so close, you really don't want to ever look at that celebrity again. I'll give you some examples. (All examples are being provided with neither permission, nor malice.) Here is the lovely (from far away) Zooey Deschanel. As you can see, she clearly bleaches that little moustache of hers. Behold!

Um, yeah. Back off! Seriously, I feel like I'm intruding on her personal space. Or maybe it's more like I feel as if she's intruding on mine. Whatever it is, it creeps me out. It doesn't creep me out as much as this close up of fashion designer John Galliano, however.

See, that just scares me. And that's no where near as big and as close up as they appear on the actual Tumblr. And I don't want to steal/borrow all of their stuff when you could (and should) just go over there and see for yourself. Just try and position yourself as far away from your monitor as you can. You'll only hurt yourself if you don't.

A Real Piece Of Work

2011-12-01T17:41:00.000-08:00

I always think that I'm not going to be surprised by people. And then what happens? You guessed it. I get surprised. And in this case, my surprise turned to anger very quickly.

Let's meet a woman named Angel Adams. Ms. Adams lives somewhere in Florida (shocking, I know) with her twelve children. That's right. TWELVE. And technically, she has fifteen, but I guess she must have misplaced the other three because they don't live with her. Now, Ms. Adams doesn't have any job or any way to support herself. She had a baby daddy who managed to father ten of those children, but he was arrested and left her to fend for herself.

When I said "fend for herself" I meant that she was left to get all that she could out of all of the social service programs and welfare programs that she possibly could. That got a little tricky after she was evicted from her apartment for (wait for it) having twelve children in there with her. She ended up at a motel and that's where the news cameras caught up with her. Good thing, too. If they hadn't, we never would have been able to see the tantrum that she throws, as she is demanding that SOMEONE be responsible for her children. Wait. What now?

Correct. SOMEONE needs to pay. Her exact words were "Somebody needs to pay for alllllllllllll my children! And my and Gary, and all our suffering and our pain! Somebody needs to be held accountable! Somebody needs to pay!” Uh, OK. See, now my first question is "Shouldn't YOU be responsible?" But of course, the guy who was doing the story didn't ask her that. Why not? Because the media sucks, that's why. What else would explain a reporter not asking the most basic of questions?! (Another thing that we don't know? What the baby daddy was arrested for. Why don't we know? Because the media sucks. Now you're catching on! But I digress.)

This woman is one of the most delusional people that I have had the displeasure of learning about in a long time. FIFTEEN children. No job. Apparently no knowledge of modern methods of birth control. And not grateful enough that social services pays her rent and her utilities. OK, then. You really need to see this woman. Below is a montage of her various appearances on the local news. The really good stuff happens early on, though. Right around 1:50-ish is where it starts to get good.

Now That's More Like It

2011-11-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

You know how the new iPhone 4S has that "cool" Siri feature that lets you talk to it and it will talk back to you with an appropriate response? You can ask Siri questions about the weather or directions. You can also ask Siri to send lovely text messages to other people for you and have Siri read you their responses. Yeah, that all sounds fine and good. But what I'd really like is for the commercials to be a little more realistic. And I guess that the fine folks over there at College Humor must have felt the same way because they have put together a lovely little parody of those Siri commercials that is just what I was looking for. Enjoy.

See all the CollegeHumor Original Videos here.

Make 'Em Laugh, Patrice

2011-11-29T20:26:00.000-08:00

So, this guy died today. Patrice O'Neal. He was a pretty funny guy. I guess that you kind of have to develop a sense of humor about things if you're a dude who is going through life with the name Patrice. (As an aside, he is survived by his wife, Vondecarlo, his stepdaughter, Aymilyon and his sister, Zinder. Huh. I guess being named Patrice wasn't so bad after all.) Anyway, here's a video of him making some pretty good points about some things. It's both amusing and hard to argue with.

They Got 99 Languages, But English Ain't One

2011-11-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

Having spent a lot of time in the last week wandering about in a hospital, I was doing just about whatever I could in order to not be so freaking bored all of the time. Hospitals aren't exactly a hub of entertainment. (Seriously, what would be the harm in putting a bar in a hospital basement? You know, with like a two drink maximum? Besides being incredibly boring, hospitals are really stressful. I'm thinking that a drink or two to relax folks would be welcomed amongst the non-medical attention needing guests.) One of the things I was doing was reading just about every sign that I came across. That's how I noticed this:

OK, first of all, I don't even know what half of those languages are. Hmoob? That's necessary? For reals? In a country where you're supposed to be able to speak the language before you become a citizen? And at a hospital that is insurance premium paying people only? It doesn't seem like it would be necessary, but then again, I didn't think that pressing '1' for English would ever be necessary either. But what really made me laugh was that English is not included on this sign. Oh, sure. They speak my language...just as long as it isn't English.

Five Missing Calories

2011-11-27T21:02:00.000-08:00

Dr. Pepper has a new version of Dr. Pepper out. It's called Dr. Pepper TEN. I guess it's being marketed to men. No, I don't know why. But maybe their marketing department could spend a little more time with the math department next time. Behold!

Let's see..."10 BOLD TASTING CALORIES PER 8 FL OZ". And it's a 20 FL OZ bottle. So that would make 25 calories per bottle, yes? Not if you're the Dr. Pepper people because it says right there on the right "20 CALORIES PER BOTTLE". Are the calories only in the second half of the fluid ounces? So they don't count those four extra ounces in there because the calories are in the other four ounces that aren't in there? Why aren't those five calories listed? Mind you that for me, this isn't a question of calorie counting. This is a question of basic math. Basic, simple, math.

I have no answers, but I will be emailing Dr. Pepper and inquiring where those five calories went to. Let's see if I get a response back.

Hating In Peace

2011-11-26T20:49:00.000-08:00

I'm not a huge fan of rap (or hip hop as it is apparently now being called), but as a lover of pop culture, I do know who various rappers are. Today, we're going to take a look at a rapper called T.I. and what he thinks about gay people who don't like it when other people don't like the aforementioned gay people.

T.I. did an interview with Vibe magazine. During the interview, the subject of all Americans having equal rights came up. Here are his words of wisdom on the subject: "While T.I. makes clear that he supports anyone’s sexual preference, he then connects, in his opinion, a current oversensitivity among gay people with a consequential and ironic offense of the First Amendment. "They’re like, 'If you have an opinion against us, we're gonna shut you down.' ... That's not American. If you're gay you should have the right to be gay in peace, and if you're against it you should have the right to be against it in peace."

Soooo....wait. He's saying that if someone doesn't like you because of who you are that you should just take it? You shouldn't say anything? You should just let them have their opinion even if it's 'wrong'? And what's this about having the right to be against it "in peace"? See, if someone has an opinion of someone else that is hateful simply because of who that person is and then they kept that opinion to themselves, that would be being against it "in peace". It's the ones who are not against it "in peace" that folks have a problem with.

And wait a minute. Does T.I. know that he's black? Because he's kind of sounding like he doesn't. See, because there are and have been a lot of people who are and have been against people just because they're black. Is he saying that folks just should have let those closed minded bigots be that way in peace and not say anything about it? Is it "un-American" (in T.I.'s weird little world) to try and change narrow minded thinking when it's about skin color? It sounds kind of like it might be. And while I didn't really know who T.I. was before reading this about him, I didn't have an opinion about him. Now that I've read this though? I have an opinion, all right.

Nine Percent And Dropping

2011-11-25T20:33:00.000-08:00

The approval rating of Congress is at an all time low. And I mean low. According to something called the Inquisitr, the people that approve of the job that Congress is doing is at a whopping nine percent. Nine. My only question at this time is who are those nine people and what, exactly, are their standards? I'm guessing that they have relatives in Congress or they're lobbyists. Because I can't think of any other reason why their approval rating would be as high as nine percent.

And what have people approved of more than Congress? Plenty of things. And a lot of them might surprise you. For example, apparently, a Rasmussen poll in 2011 had an 11% approval rating of the United States going Communist. Now, I don't think that being a Communist nation is all that great of an idea, but more people thought it was a better idea than approved of Congress.

Remember the atrocious BP oil spill? Right in the middle of that, 16% of people approved of BP. That was a complete disaster and yet more people approved of that than they did of Congress.

Even Richard Nixon amidst Watergate had better numbers than Congress does now. 24% of people approved of Nixon when it became obvious that he was a liar (and contrary to what he said, probably a crook). That's over two and a half times as many people (as a percentage) than those who currently approve of Congress.

Banks in 2011 are not exactly on anyone's Christmas card list. But for some reason, 23% of people approve of those. So banks are on a par with Richard Nixon and both were rated over twice as high as Congress. If you haven't caught on by now that people really think that Congress sucks, I don't think that there's much I can do for you at this point.

And for some reason, 40% of people approved of the IRS in 2009. I don't know why that's so high, but when you compare it to the 9% approval rating that Congress received, it's astronomically high. No one likes the IRS. How did they get 40% of folks to approve of them? Maybe they could give Congress some tips.

And here's the most amazing part of all of this: Even with a 9% approval rating, it seems that whenever elections roll around, the majority of these bozos end up getting re-elected. I'm not sure if that means that polls like these are meaningless or if the average American voter is a dumbass. What I'm afraid of is that it means both. In which case, we're totally scroomed.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T20:51:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

My mom is out of the hospital and back at home. This is the most thankful that I have been for anything in a long time. Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for a whole lot of things. But knowing that my mom is going to be OK takes being thankful to a whole different level.

I hope that you've had a wonderful Thanksgiving and were able to be with people who were important to you. Or, if you lean toward being misanthropic (as I tend to do), I hope that you had a great day doing whatever makes you happy and thankful.

Thanksgiving...Turkeys?

2011-11-23T19:03:00.000-08:00

(Side note: My mom is out of the hospital and things have calmed down a bit over here. But we're not doing our Thanksgiving until Sunday so that she'll be more up for it and able to enjoy it more. Let the posting resume.)

OK, so I have the best friend ever. And for Thanksgiving, she wanted to make these little candy turkey things for her table. She was going for this:

Cute, right? Yeah, super cute. But when my friend tried to recreate this cuteness, she ended up with a slightly different version.

They're super cute in their own, unique way, right? Riiiiiiight.

Sometimes Things Suck

2011-11-22T05:59:00.000-08:00

Hi.

My mom is in the hospital. Thus, I don't give a fat rat's ass about whether I post or not. Granted, I most likely will, as she seems to be better (pneumonia when you're 79 is kind of a bitch), but if the posts are late or missing in the next couple of days, you know why. I'm now off to the hospital for another nice long day of sitting.

That's Not A Doctor

2011-11-21T00:05:00.000-08:00

I'm always amazed when I hear stories about fake doctors or dentists who have been operating a "practice" out of their garage or their kitchen or something like that. Someone trying to pretend that they're a doctor doesn't surprise me. People actually going to a fake doctor and seeing that their waiting room is a backyard patio and then sticking around for them to do their fake doctoring are the ones who amaze me. Because the way I see it, you can't be a successful fake doctor without at least a few willing participants. Take this dealio that happened in, naturally, Florida.

According to the Daily Mail, a one Oneal Ron Morris is accused of "...injecting a woman's bottom with cement, super glue and tyre sealant to give her a more 'shapely' rear". Wait a minute. How would those things give someone a better looking ass? Tire sealant? Is that Fix-A-Flat?! Just because someone has a flat ass doesn't mean that inflating it with a chemical sealant is going to work! And someone actually hired this guy? I can't imagine why. Maybe he just has one of those faces that you can trust. Yeah, maybe that's it. Oh. Wait. Here's a picture of him. Yeah, that's not it. Behold!
Hold on. That's a dude?! In what way is that a dude?! And if it is a guy, what is wrong with his ass?! Are we sure this is him? We are? Is there another picture just so we can be sure? There is? Behold!

Oh, well, that's not helping. Holy canoli, look at the size of that thing. That's not normal for a man OR a woman (or whatever that is). So let me get this straight. Someone goes to this "guy" for a butt enhancement. The allegedly male "doctor" comes out looking like this and the patient STILL goes through with it?! Are you kidding me?! WHY on earth would you let this individual do ANYTHING to you? If I were looking to have my buttocks enhanced (and I'm not, thanks) and this dude came walking out, I'd run out of his garage so fast. Wow. And I'm guessing that his "patient" is surprised that something went horribly wrong after her "procedure". I'm thinking that person can be anything but surprised. Surprise should be reserved for when one of these fake doctors does something like this and nothing overly bad happens. That's the surprising part.

Then Don't Say Anything

2011-11-20T12:42:00.000-08:00

It was announced yesterday that Joe Paterno has just recently been diagnosed with a treatable form of lung cancer. Now, I'm not going to get all conspiracy theory-ish here and wonder if someone is trying to do a little damage control by making folks feel sorry for Mr. Paterno instead of currently think of him as some sort of vile individual who shields child rapists from detection. And while I'm far from the conspiracy theory type of person,I could see something like that occurring in this particular situation. I wouldn't put anything past Penn State at this point.

But here's my favorite part about this and all stories like this. Joe Paterno's son issued this statement: "Last weekend, my father was diagnosed with a treatable form of lung cancer during a follow-up visit for a bronchial illness...As everyone can appreciate, this is a deeply personal matter for my parents,and we simply ask that his privacy be respected as he proceed with treatment." Wait. What now?

Yes, I would tend to agree that being diagnosed with any form of cancer would be a personal matter for those personally involved. So I asked you...Scott, was it? I ask you , Scott, if this is so flipping personal, why in the hell did you tell the entire world about your dad's condition? Does the world need to know? I'm not so sure that they do if it's as personal as you'd like us all to believe that you think that it is. If you wanted privacy, I'm pretty sure that not telling the entire world you business is a much better way to go about getting said privacy.

I guess I just don't get how those people over there do anything. They hear about child rape and they keep that a secret. They get diagnosed with cancer and they tell the entire world. shouldn't it have been the other way around?

No Internet Sucks

2011-11-19T21:38:00.000-08:00

9I have little to no Internet right now. It's as frustrating as it is disappointing. And while Jimmy and Rajesh (who I think might be the same person) in India are doing their best to get me up and running again, I'm slowly losing hope. Anyway, this explanation is going to have to count as today's post. I'll try and make up for it after my Internet is restored and after my celebration has subsided.

Black Friday Is Not Important

2011-11-18T00:05:00.000-08:00

Black Friday is quite possibly one of the stupidest American traditions that has evolved in recent memory. And as it keeps revolving, it keeps getting more and more ridiculous. This year is no exception as several large retail stores have decided that it's a good idea to open late at night on the actual day of Thanksgiving for "Black Friday". If you've already figured out that opening on a Thursday for an event with "Friday" in the name is asinine, then you're going to love everything about this story.

Wal-Mart has decided that it will open at 10pm on Thanksgiving. There's no real reason for this that makes any sense. It's not like it's going to attract more shoppers. I'm under the impression that you're either the type who wants to go Christmas shopping as soon as you can or you're not. (And really, the Black Friday "deals" that are advertised are really bordering awfully close to being a scam. There are usually only one or two of a certain item at each store for the advertised bargain price. And the items aren't usually as great as they want you to think that they are. You want to pay only $300 for a laptop? Go right ahead. But if you think that your bargain priced $300 laptop is going to work as well as my $800 laptop, think again. That $300 laptop is probably overpriced at $300.) Target is opening at 11pm and Best Buy is opening at midnight. And really, I don't know if shoppers are excited about this or not. But I do know who is not excited about it and that would be the workers.

The employees of Best Buy are flipping out that they have to go into work so that the store can open at midnight. Something about them not being able to spend time with their families. Now, I know absolutely nothing about opening a Best Buy store and I know equally as much about working at Best Buy. But I do know that opening at midnight shouldn't cut into one's Thanksgiving festivities by that much. Should it? I understand not wanting to go into work on a holiday. I also understand that there are jobs out there where you have to go into work on a holiday. (I worked one of those jobs for 13 years. Hospitals don't care if it's Thanksgiving or not. It's part of the job.) And if you have one of those jobs, you shouldn't really be all that surprised when you're expected to be there on a holiday. But apparently, folks who are working at Best Buy and Target feel differently about all of this than I do.

I'm not so sure that when the unemployment rate in this country is still hovering around 9 percent that anyone should be complaining about what their job wants them to do. Shouldn't these folks be happy that they have a job? And really, is going into work at midnight that big of a deal? I don't see how that is going to cut into someone's Thanksgiving time with their family. What time do those people eat, anyway? You have an early dinner, you take a nap afterwards if you're so inclined, and then you show up when you're supposed to. I am not sympathetic to the workers who think that they're being mistreated by having to show up at midnight or 10pm or whatever on Thanksgiving. Yes, I guess it sucks (although I'm still not real clear as to why or how it sucks), but that's kind of how life works. Sometimes, things suck. Sometimes, your work is going to want you to do stuff that you'd rather not do. Am I the only one who understands that concept? I feel like I am.

And really, is anyone surprised that it's come down to this? The way I see it, Thanksgiving is becoming just a huge inconvenience for people who want Christmas to be here NOW. It's become a holiday that everyone just rushes through so that they can get to the Christmas shopping. For years now, people have been lining up outside of stores on Thanksgiving evening to wait until the store doors open at 5am or some other ungodly hour. Those folks don't seem to give a fat rat's ass about being at home on Thanksgiving, so why should the stores? I'm not saying that I agree with that philosophy. I'm just saying that I can see why it's come down to this.

Personally, I think that the whole Black Friday thing has kind of jumped the shark. Trust me, if a store offers a good enough deal but doesn't open their doors until 6am the day after Thanksgiving, there will still be people in line. Do they really think that those extra six hours are going to make or break their bottom line? I don't get it. Then again, the last thing in the world that I would want to do is to line up outside of a store, at night and in the cold so that I can be amongst a swarm of people and attempt to SHOP. Ugh. I don't want shop period, let alone under those circumstances. But good luck to all of you people who think that you're accomplishing something. I hope that works out for you. As far as all of you complaining retail workers, suck it up.

That's Still Doing Nothing

2011-11-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

Back to the Penn State atrocity. Today's focus: Mike McQueary, the graduate assistant who saw Sandusky raping a 10-year old boy in the shower and decided that the best course of action would be for McQueary to just call his own dad. Oh, but wait. Now McQueary is trying to say that what he told the grand jury is not what actually happened. Funny, I thought you were supposed to tell the truth to the grand jury. Huh. Maybe this is being misreported because, as we all know, the media just sucks. Let's see if we can figure this out.

According to ESPN, Mike McQueary had sent an email to a friend who didn't want to be identified. From what I can infer, the email was sent recently. (I'm guessing in light of the many, many people across the country and possibly around the world who would like to see McQueary hanging from his man parts for being someone who would see a child being raped by an old man and not do anything to stop it. Funny how that works.) Here's the text of the email:

"... you are the first person I have told this ... and I don't know you extremely well ... and I have been told bye officials to not say anything ...

I did stop it, not physically ... but made sure it was stopped when I left that locker room ... I did have discussions with police and with the official at the university in charge of police .... no one can imagine my thoughts or wants to be in my shoes for those 30-45 seconds ... trust me.

Do with this what you want ... but I am getting hammered for handling this the right way ... or what I thought at the time was right ... I had to make tough impacting quick decisions.

This is off record ... again ... I have not and will not say anything to anyone else."

I'm just going to start at the beginning and wonder why on earth someone would send this sort of an email to someone that they didn't know very well. That doesn't seem like a very smart thing to do. Then again, this guy isn't exactly Einstein, so I shouldn't be overly surprised. And yet, I am. It's clear, after reading this guy's email, that he thinks that everyone's public perception of him is just a misunderstanding AND a matter of semantics. See, for some reason, he seems to think that he "did stop it". He just didn't stop it physically. Oh. I see. No, wait. I don't. What the hell is he talking about?! He didn't stop anything! He "made sure" that it was stopped before he left the locker room? What, did he poke his head back in there to "make sure" that Sandusky was done?! Is that what he means?!

I think that it's fairly obvious from both his grand jury testimony and his email to his vague acquaintance that he did nothing to stop it at the time. Since (to my knowledge) it is still unknown who Victim 2 (the one who was in the shower) actually was, I'm having a hard time understanding how McQueary thinks that he stopped anything. Had he actually stopped it (and I'm using the sane person's definition of 'stopped' and not that of some moron who doesn't stop child rape when he sees it happening) and called the cops right then, this whole story would have played out a lot differently. He didn't stop anything. And he certainly didn't help the boy. He also still seems to think that he did the right thing, as evidenced by his whining "I am getting hammered for handling this the right way ." No, he is getting hammered for walking in on a horrific act taking place and putting a stop to it right that very moment. That he thinks that he did the right thing is unimaginable to me. Really, dude? Where's that boy? How's he doing? Oh, you don't know because you didn't do anything? OK, then. Pipe down.

Why the media is portraying this as anything other than what it is (which is ridiculous and lame at best) is beyond me. I know that the media sucks, but seriously. This isn't that hard to get wrong. The guy didn't do anything of substance and he thinks that he's being unfairly portrayed because he did just barely the absolute minimum and expects that to count as "something". He's a scumbag. First, he does nothing to help a little boy who is being raped by an old man and then he acts like everyone is so out of line for hating his guts? Please. Get it right, media! Nothing's changed! This guy didn't do anything, regardless of what he says in his email! Please report that!

My Shortest Written Opinion Ever

2011-11-16T12:15:00.000-08:00

This could quite possibly be the shortest commentary that I have ever had on just about anything. AND the most remarkable part about it is that I think I have a point of view that's kind of hard to disagree with. Then again, I think that about a lot of things. What do I know? Now, mind you, I didn't read this entire article. I came up with my opinion based solely on the title. I realize that I'm giving a lot of credence to the person who wrote the title and I'm really hoping that it's accurate. If it's not accurate, I might have to rethink my position, but I don't think that it would alter it by much.

Here we go...Over there at the Huffington Post is an article with the following title: "Sex With Animals Can Lead To Penis Cancer: Study".

My response to the aforementioned study? Good.

The end.

Good Luck, Players

2011-11-15T21:11:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like there isn't going to be an NBA season. I'm not even sure exactly what the last offer that the owners made to the players, but I know that they should have taken it. And here's why...

You might have a fabulous talent for doing something. Regardless as to what that something is, the value of your talent isn't necessarily determined by you, but rather by others who are in a position to evaluate your talent to see how it may be of benefit to them. Let's say that you can paint pictures of cats really well. You paint pictures of cats so well that no one can tell the difference between your pictures of cats and actual photographs of cats. You're THAT good! But all people who see your pictures of cats only say, "Wow! You're really good at painting cats!" And then they move on. Does that benefit you in any way? OK, your ego gets a little stroking here and there. (That's ALL that gets stroked in this scenario, all right? JUST the ego!) But it's not like you're going to make a living selling your cat pictures when no one is there to pay for your cat pictures. It doesn't mean that you don't possess an extraordinary talent. It just means that other people don't care as much as you might think that they should.

That's how this NBA thing is shaping up to look like for the players. Sure, they can play basketball really well. I don't think that I'd be exaggerating if I said that the players in the NBA were the best basketball players in the world. But that's not going to matter if they don't have a league to play in. And the owners know that. The owners seem perfectly OK with telling the players to take their offer or leave it because the owners will be fine in the end. I'm not saying that the NBA is going to fold because the two sides can't work things out, but if it did, the owners would be just fine. The players, on the other hand, probably not so much.

I've always seen the NBA as the most narcissistic of all the organized sports. (I also see it as the most thuggish, but that's a whole different post.) They seem to think that their outrageous salaries are just not enough. From what I can figure, the average NFL salary is between $770,000 and about a million dollars a season. AND the average NFL career lasts about 3.5 years. Compare that to the average NBA salary which is an astonishing $4.5 million per year and an average career of around five years. That's just absolutely insane and unsustainable in the long run. And the long run is here, but the players just don't want to accept it or something.

So, good luck players. Good luck being the best basketball players on the planet without having anywhere to play or without having anyone to watch you play. Sure, go ahead and start your own league. I'm sure that you'll have that up and running in no time. But if that doesn't work and y'all decide to stop being just greedy babies about everything, let someone know. We wouldn't mind having NBA games to watch this season, but I guarantee you that we're not going to die without them. The ball is pretty much in your court, players. And you can take your ball and go home if you want. It's your choice, but I think that you're making the wrong one.

When Suddenly...Whales

2011-11-14T20:53:00.000-08:00

I am exhausted. This holiday stuff starts early for me for some reason. Anyway, that's the reason for the short posts lately. Unfortunately, today isn't going to be much of an exception. But I do have a boring story and an exciting video for you, so that's something!

There are a lot of whales hanging around delightfully close to the shores of Santa Cruz. I guess that there is an abundance of krill and anchovies or something like that and the whales are just enjoying the abundant buffet. I went down there last week to see if I could see the whales from the shore. I could not. But if I had been like the surfer in the video below, I would have seen the whales up close and then some. Holy canoli. I'm still trying to figure out how no one in the video yelled "Holy s***" or something like that. If the video doesn't load below, try clicking here. It really is quite extraordinary.

It's A Start

2011-11-13T21:56:00.000-08:00

Well, it's a start. Too bad this person couldn't have gotten this message out before a whole bunch of idiot fellow students were out rioting at the firing of their jackass coach who protected a child rapist for many years.