Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween!

And Happy Halloween. Halloween is a weird-ass holiday if you're asking me. It's like the ultimate in contradictions when raising a child. You drill things into your child's head (Not literally! Yes, I know it's Halloween, but cranial drilling of one's offspring is never acceptable.) to keep them safe. Things like the old "Don't take candy from strangers." Then, after the kids think that they're clear on the concept, along rolls Halloween and BAM! Confusion runs amok. Not only are they going to be taking candy from strangers on Halloween, they're going to be encouraged to do so. AND they don't even have to wait for the strangers to come to them! No, they can randomly go to people's homes, knock on their door and ASK them to give them candy! And the strangers comply!! OH, but wait! There's a catch! You must ask strangers for candy only if you are dressed up in some sort of scary-ish garb. That's it? That's the catch? Deal! And the merriment begins!

Now if you're a grown-up, or you play one on TV, or even if you stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night, it is your job to get candy for these small people that you do not know. My advice is simple: Don't screw it up. You must remember what it was like when you were a child and you went Trick-or-Treating and ended up with horrible candy at the end of the night. It's not pleasant. And as a child, you really feel like you were ripped off somehow by coming home with a bag full of crap. You need to remember that feeling and make sure that you don't continue to pass it around to the hopeful and unsuspecting youngsters who will trample your flowers instead of using the perfectly good walkway as they traipse to your door in search of sugary handouts.

Thus, here are several items that you need to avoid distributing to jovial children who have donned bedsheets for the evening.

  • First up are the inexplicable Boston Baked Beans. These are not good. Why someone thought that they could make a candy that looks like and is named after a picnic side dish is beyond me. No one wants candy that is pretending to be a bean. Beans aren't all that fun.

  • Next up are the Dum Dums. First of all, Dum Dums are way too small for any good use. Second, they never taste like the flavor that the wrapper says. And third, you almost always, for some reason, end up with the cream soda flavored Dum Dums or the pineapple flavored Dum Dums. Probably because the folks handing them out took out all of the good ones. If you're going to hand out lollipops, go with a Tootsie Roll Pop. You can't go wrong with those


  • Necco Wafers. From what I can tell, Necco Wafers are Tums antacid tablets that have been flattened out and dusted with sugar. They do not taste good. Contrary to what the waxy wrapper says down there, they are not "an American Classic" and the "flavors" are not "great." And of course they're "fat free". They're made out of chalk, what do you expect? Avoid these at all costs.


  • The general assortment of hard candies. As a rule, if it is a candy that is typically found in a grandmother's purse, you really want to avoid handing those out on Halloween. Especially the butterscotch ones. Children do not like butterscotch. Adults do not like butterscotch. Those elderly women with the candies in their purses? Right, even they don't like butterscotch, that's why they're always giving them away.

  • One of the more perplexing candies out there, the Idaho Spud. This is a candy that I guess is supposed to look like an Idaho potato. The thing is, it doesn't really look like that. It looks more like....well, um....OK, fine I'll say it, the thing looks like poo! And no one wants poo on Halloween. Ever. Hand out Necco Wafers before you hand out poo-like treats.

  • Now we arrive at the Tootsie Roll. If you must give out Tootsie Rolls, give out a bunch of them to each kid. Those of you who give A Tootsie Roll to A kid are just angry, angry individuals who should probably seek counseling. You'll feel much better about things if you toss a handful of Tootsie Rolls into a kid's bag and watch them shriek with joy (until they realize they were just Tootsie Rolls). It's a lot better than watching them stare at you as you drop A Tootsie roll into their bag. Much better.

  • Another candy that is not for children and is barely for adults is the Big Hunk. Big Hunk of what has always been my question. This thing is disgusting. It's like some sort of conglomeration of leftovers from another candy making process. Look at it! No one wants that.


  • You want to see how close you can get a kid to crying on Halloween? Hand out raisins. What a waste of a walk from the sidewalk to the front door only to be given a very tiny box of raisins which you will not eat. You will use them as ammunition for torturing siblings. You will also use them as a counting aid when trying to figure out how many of them will fit up the dog's nose. You will not eat them.

  • Finally, we arrive at the "feel good" treats. Oh, but they're not making the kids "feel good". No, they're making the smug, sanctimonious treat giver "feel good". Those kind of people like to be "practical" on Halloween. (Liking to be "practical" also seems to equate to "liking removing rolls and rolls of toilet paper from the front yard foliage the next morning." Go figure.) There is no place for anything "practical" when a bunch of people under four feet tall and running around the neighborhood, anticipating free candy AND getting it. Nothing practical about that and that's how it should be. Thus, no pencils, erasers, or any other type of school supply. If that was what the kids were after, they just would have gone over to Office Max and knocked on their door.


  • The only folks who are allowed to hand out dental floss, toothbrushes or toothpaste are dentists and other professional individuals who do business inside of the mouth (preferably those with degrees and licenses, not hanging out on street corners under neon blinking lights that say "Massage"). But even then, they can only hand out those things at their office! At their home, they're not a dentist, they're a candy guy. So keep your floss to yourself and fork over the Snickers.


See? It's very simple. Avoid the stuff on this list, hand out stuff that kids want, and you'll be fine. Most importantly, whatever you do, just have a good time and just have good candy.

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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Yeah, Xanax. That's It

So, I don't know if this would be classified as the "inevitable", but I guess that it isn't all that surprising.  You tell me.  Octomom has gone into rehab!  See?  It's not surprising, but I don't know if it's something that we saw coming.  But let's think about this for a minute. 

According to the TMZ, Octomom "admitted herself into the Chapman House Drug Rehabilitation Center in Southern California over the weekend after acknowledging she's become dependent on Xanax ... an anti-anxiety drug ... which she began taking to "deal with stress."  Really?  Taking something for stress?  You don't say!  A single parent who just started doing solo porn to support her fourteen children all under the age of...eleven.  And she's taking Xanax to deal with "stress"?  Shocking.  Wait a minute....

Let me get this straight.  She wants "treatment" for her "addiction" to (insert substance here) and in order to receive said "treatment" she needs to go away to some rehab for thirty days?  Thirty days with no children around her?  Thirty days with someone else cooking your meals and doing your laundry whilst you receive "treatment" for your "problem", all the while someone else looks after your fourteen children?  Yeah, OK.  Sure.  She's "addicted" to Xanax.  I'd say I was addicted to anything I needed to in order to get that deal.  ("Hi.  Yes, I'm here for all the treatment without children.  Yes, I, um, I...sniff glue!  I sniff all the glue, all the days!  I'm here to be away from all of my children and to get some sleep, for Christ's sake!  Let me in.  I'M ON GLUE!") 

Look, as someone with an advanced degree in the behavioral sciences (hard to believe, I get that, but it's true) and as someone who spent many, many years working with small children, I don't say what I'm about to suggest very lightly.  But seriously folks, hasn't this little experiment run its course?  This is an absolutely impossible situation for anyone to take on, let alone someone as mentally addled as Octomom is.  Those kids need to be in someone else's care and pronto.  This woman cannot take care of them.  Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she actually is addicted to Xanax.  Real good role model there, right?  It matches up quite well with her solo porn career and her general cluelessness and irresponsibility.  The kids need to be somewhere far away from her.  Hell, I'm pretty sure that some portion of my tax dollars are helping support that insanity over there.  Don't I have any say in it?  No?  Just this blog.  Hmmm.  That's unfortunate.  Then again, whole situation is unfortunate. 



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Monday, October 29, 2012

Hurricane Sandy Fakery

Hurricane Sandy is currently battering the hell out of the east coast.  While those folks out there do whatever they need to do in order to stay safe (and dry), the rest of the country seems to really enjoy finding "touching" or "amazing" photos of various aspects of the aforementioned storm. The only problem with that is that people also really like to make up crap and say that it's from the hurricane.  I don't know why people do this.  I can't quite figure out the satisfaction that comes from portraying an image as something that it isn't in order to...what?  That's where I get stuck.  Is it to show how gullible people are?  Is it to show how easy it is to evoke human emotion without any proof of anything?  I don't get it.  I'm sure that there are plenty of real photos out there of this hurricane that will accomplish exactly whatever that thing is that the fake photos are "accomplishing".  Let's review. 

Here's a picture of a shark that is allegedly swimming in a street in New Jersey during Hurricane Sandy.  Now, before you breathlessly share this with all of Facebook, don't.  It was actually taken in Puerto Rico during Hurricane Irene.  You could have shared it then, but you cannot share it now. 

Here is a picture that was tweeted by someone named Sarah Simmons.  Sarah Simmons appears to be a journalist for Fox 5.  I am using the term "journalist" in this sense rather lightly, as her caption reads "Eery pic as Sandy moves closer RT @sparky4886: Brooklyn Bridge #HurricaneSandy pic.twitter.com/NFUEs7x7".  Now, it's a retweet, so I guess that this journalist just assumed that everything on Twitter is accurate (including the spelling of the word "eerie").  That's unfortunate because just a little checking would have shown that this picture is from 2009 and is of the Washington Bridge, not the Brooklyn Bridge.  But way to go, journalist!  That's helpful reporting right there! 

Here's another picture which shows large clouds over New York.  The caption on this particular tweeted photo reads "Hurricane Sandy approaching New York."  Yeah, no.  It's not from the current hurricane.  It was from a hurricane warning last year.  But hey, at least it wasn't a journalist spreading the rumor this time, right?  Right?! 
 
And then we have the one that I have seen all over Facebook and Twitter today.  It's a picture of the guards at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.  The various captions always essentially read that the soldiers are currently standing guard whilst Hurricane Sandy pours rain down upon them.  Now, from what I understand, there are still soldiers guarding the Tomb during this hurricane.  But that picture is not of them and it is not of now.  It was taken by a one Karen Markert in September.  Seriously, what is the point in trying to make this picture into something that it is not?!  This picture is pretty cool on its own merit.  I don't understand why anyone would feel the need to make it about Hurricane Sandy.
 

In summation, the point of sharing things on social media isn't just to do it for the sake of doing it no matter if it's fake or not.  The point of sharing things is to pass along information that is supposed to be authentic.  People who pass a picture or a story off as something that it is not are known as tools or asshats.  That is all.  Oh, and good luck out there, east coast.  I think that you're going to need it.
 

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Sunday, October 28, 2012

Congratulations!

The San Francisco Giants are 2012 World Series Champions!!  (Yes, I realize that they're not playing against any other teams in the world other than just those in the United States, but that's how it is.  I've learned to accept it and you should too.)  

This is just awesome. 

The playoffs were awesome. 

The World Series was awesome.  

It was all awesome.  Giants!!!

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Saturday, October 27, 2012

Dr. Howie

I went to a Spirit Halloween store today. I was just looking for some lights, but that doesn't mean that I didn't peruse the costume section. I kinda wish I hadn't, though. Congratulations, Spirit.  You had to take it to a different level, didn't you?  You couldn't just go with the old stand by description of "Doctor", could you?  No, you had to be all cutesy and play on wordsey.  I guess maybe I should have expected as much, what with all of the slutty female costumes that you also carry.  So, hey, I guess this is just equality, right?  Whatever.  I don't care for any of it.  Feltersnatch.  Really? 


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Friday, October 26, 2012

Meat Loaf Stumps For Romney

Holy canoli.  Did you hear Meat Loaf sing at a Mitt Romney rally the other day?  Hoo boy!  It is something that is really not to be missed.  If you want to get past all of the boring stuff, just click ahead to about the 1:35 mark. It's absolutely remarkable (and not in a good way).  At one point, he actually appears to get stuck in the song.  Remember back when Whitney Houston was trying to convince everyone that she wasn't still on crack?  And she tried to sing "I Will Always Love You" and it sounded like a combination of a cat in a blender and someone throwing up?  Yeah, there's a little bit of that in this rendition by Mr. Loaf.  It's spectacular.  Aren't there any popular (and current) song artists that would stump for a Republican candidate or incumbent?  Anyone big right now?  I don't think that there is.  That's why the Republicans always have to resort to someone who, while they were a great singer at one point, are really past their prime at this point.  Hey, it happens.  It's unfortunate though.  Because what ends up happening are songs like this.  Hit it!   

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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Where You Go, There's Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt has an ad out for what I'm assuming is his new fragrance.  I think that it's called Inevitable, but I'm not totally sure.  What I am sure about is that he's just rambling in the ad and saying a bunch of words that don't have a whole lot to do with each other or the fragrance.  It doesn't make any sense.  They could have called the perfume "Brad Pitt Talks And You Listen But Nothing Is Said".  Tell me what you make of this:

It's not a journey
Every journey ends, but we go on.
World turns and we turn with it.
Plans disappear.  Dreams take over.
But wherever I go there you are.
My luck.  My fate.  My fortune.
Chanel Number Five.
Inevitable.

See what I mean?  It's just words.  What the hell do they mean?  The world turns and we turn with it?  Well, yeah, I suppose.  But what does that have to do with smelling good?  And he's definitely mistaken about wherever he goes, there I am because I have never once seen Brad Pitt anywhere and I go a lot of places.  The grocery store.  The post office.  Taco Bell.  I've never seen Brad Pitt in the produce section, mailing a letter or chomping on a chalupa.  Maybe I'm missing something, though.  I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure that it's just ridiculous.  Check out the commercial below.  Let me know what I'm missing. 

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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Anti-Halloween Stupidity

What we have here is a little Halloween stupidity in the name of fairness or something.  I'm really not too sure what the deal is here, but it's ridiculous and unacceptable.  When elementary schools start banning the kids dressing up for Halloween for non-reasons, we're just that much closer to our doom.
Here's what we have according to CBS Philly. We have the Phoenixville School District banning Halloween costumes at their three elementary schools.  Their reasons?  Let's see...well, the idiocy seems to vary.  Superintendent Alan Fegley seems to be going with "...the elementary schools were all doing different celebrations and the school wanted to keep them consistent, that costume safety was becoming a real concern, and that students who couldn’t afford costumes were feeling left out."  Let's take those from the top, shall we? 

First of all, who in the world cares if different schools do different things?  See, the key word there is "different".  When things are "different" that means they're (wait for it) not the same!  It's right there in the word!  Since when do all schools have to celebrate things the same way?  What happened to all of the "diversity" that I keep hearing about that's supposed to be so great?  I guess Phoenixville School District isn't the place to get that answer. 

Next up is costume safety.  Has something happened that I don't know about that now inhibits schools from coming up with rules as far as what constitutes an appropriate and safe costume?  It says that "costume safety was becoming a real concern", but they don't give any examples of what it is that's concerning them.  I can't even think of what would constitute an unsafe costume in elementary school.  I highly doubt that third graders are coming to school as knife throwers with real knives or as terrorists with car bombs that they detonate at lunch time.  What's an unsafe costume? 

And finally, the reason that I consider to be probably the most idiotic of them all, the alleged unaffordability of costumes.  How much could it possibly cost to cut a couple of eye holes in a sheet and throw it over the kid so that he's a ghost?  What about smearing some makeup on a kid's face, shoving a pillow in his shirt and tying a bandana on a stick (an item that is referred to as a bindle in the bum world) and having the kid be a hobo?  Cover the kid in purple balloons and have him be a bunch of grapes.  SO many inexpensive options.  And really, when you were growing up, you tell me how many kids you knew or even knew of that couldn't afford a Halloween costume of some sort.  Actually, I'll answer that for you.  There were none.  None! 

The article also mentions that the letter that was sent out explaining this lunacy says "We understand that not everyone will agree with this decision. We hope you will realize it was made with the best interests of ALL our students in mind."  No, I don't realize that.  What are their "best interests" that will be served by taking away Halloween?  This is ridiculous.  Not one of the reasons stated are viable on any level.  I don't quite get what this is about, but usually when something this stupid crops up, it has to do with the school being afraid of something that could happen (even when there's no indication that it ever will happen) or it has to do with one person complaining and everyone else feeling like they have to bend over backwards in order to not offend anyone.  Ugh.  We are such a soft society.  Let the kids have Halloween and stop being such asses about everything.  Good Lord.  Doomed we are. 


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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Mitt And Ann Switch Creepy Faces

Again, the best things to come out of the debates are the lovely folks out there with a little extra time on their hands and excellent Photoshop skills.  If it weren't for those people, all we'd have after the debates is endless punditry.  How boring is that?  No, what it needs to liven things up a little bit is a good old fashioned face swap.  And this time, it's with Mitt and his lovely wife, Ann.  Behold! 
 Holy Christ, that's terrifying. 
 

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Monday, October 22, 2012

A Debatable Debate

There was a debate tonight and if you're asking me, it was incredibly boring.  Definitely the most boring out of the three that they had.  President Barry wasn't in some sort of Ambien-induced stupor as he appeared to be in the first debate.  And both of them had to be sitting down for this one, so they didn't have the opportunity to circle each other and stare each other down like they were a lion about to pounce on its prey like we saw in the second one.  No, they just sat there at a table with octogenarian Bob Schieffer, probably because he couldn't stand up for the entire ninety minutes.  But here's why foreign policy debates are pretty much useless. 

First of all, the President has a ton of information that no one else has.  He knows what's going on in parts of the world that regular people, including the Mittster, do not.  And it's supposed to be that way.  Remember last year when President Barry was yukking it up at the Correspondents' Dinner when they were making fun of him because Osama Bin Laden was still ooching around in a cave somewhere and, ten years later, we still couldn't find his ass?  Uh, yeah.  About that.  See, no one else knew that he had already given the go ahead for SEAL Team 6 to do their thing.  And that's how I see these debates.  He knows stuff, Mitt and everyone else does not.  What are we supposed to do with that? 

And second, it's all purely speculative anyway.  No one knows if what they're saying is true or not.  "Hey, here's how I want to handle Iran..."  "Oh, yeah?  Well, here's how I want to handle Iran..."  Thank you and goodnight!  There's no right answer as far as what to do with any of the sand lands!  You know why?  Because they're always going to be frenemies.  They have no interest in our way of doing things and we have no interest in their way of doing things.  All we want to do is make sure that no one goes getting all froggy with their nukes and that Iran doesn't blow Israel off the map.  It's the age old dilemma:  How can we achieve peace in the Middle East?  I've got news for you.  WE can't.  No one can except for those players and they're just not that interested in peaceful solutions.  Thus, a debate on the topic is purely speculative and are people really supposed to make an informed decision based on speculation?  I certainly hope not. 

I did take one thing away from this debate.  And it's not anything that I didn't know beforehand.  President Barry comes across as cool and Mitt comes across as tool.  Seriously.  Here's President Barry giving the thumbs up. 

Now, granted, the whole thumbs up thing in general is rather toolish, but President Barry can pull it off.  Now here's Mitt and his version of the thumbs up.  Behold! 

Oh, good Lord.  Look, even Ann is trying to get out of the way!  He looks like he's about to emit the great Howard Dean scream of 2004.  That's just SO not good.  I'm a little ashamed that I even brought it up.  Is it November yet?  Can we vote yet?  I want this to be over.  Now.

 

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Sunday, October 21, 2012

Bad Denver!

Good Lord, the weekends have been boring lately.  Then again, I've been doing this every single day for five years straight, so maybe I'm just not looking as hard as I used to.  Regardless, today we have a dog who has been bad and is being confronted by his owner.  Even though he's in trouble, I think that Denver is the kind of dog that everyone would want to have.  Hey, at least he's honest. 

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Saturday, October 20, 2012

There's No Such Thing As A First Lady Debate

Jimmy Kimmel has instigated my building the wall around my compound a foot and a half higher.  I need to make sure it's good and tall so that I can keep a safe distance between myself and the general public.  That's right.  Jimmy Kimmel did another man on the street interview about something that never even happened and people answered him as if it did.  The topic this time?  Brace yourself.  He asked people who they thought did better in the First Lady debate the night before.  And people answered him!  First Lady debate?!  What the hell would that even be??  Michelle asserting how children are our future and we need to feed them vegetables?  Ann Romney asserting...her money?  (I don't know a lot about Ann Romney. She seems lovely, however.)  I should mention that they didn't just answer with a simple "It was fine."  (OR the more logical answer of "What in the hell are you talking about?  There's no such thing as a First Lady debate!)  No, they gave fairly detailed responses to back up their opinion...of something that never happened!  What is wrong with people?!  What's with the lying?  So, SO much lying.  And the really scary part is that these people are allowed to vote.  (That should be changed, by the way.  If you show up in a video like this and you're giving your opinion on the First Lady debate, you should automatically forfeit your right to vote for all eternity.  It's the correct thing to do.)  You can watch these morons for yourself in the video below.  Spoiler alert!  One of the idiots is actually in Jimmy Kimmel's audience!  It's a nice little twist.

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Friday, October 19, 2012

You Haven't Seen The Debate Yet, Asshat

Among the many, many reasons that indicate our impending doom, I present to you another piece to that puzzle. What we have here is someone from the Jimmy Kimmel show who has ventured out onto the streets of Los Angeles (I think it's the Walk of Fame, but I don't really think that factors into what ultimately happens as much as it does just tell you where they are) and asked passers by how they felt about the Presidential debate the night before. But wait! There's a catch! There wasn't a Presidential debate the night before!  No, the Presidential debate was going to take place that night.  So none of the people who were asked "How did you like the debate last night?" had even seen the debate because it hadn't happened yet. 

Now, I know that you might be thinking (or wanting to think) that perhaps they were confused and thought that the person was asking about the first debate.  I wanted to think that as well.  But that wasn't the case.  It was clear that this interviewer was asking about a brand new debate.  And do you know what these people did?  They LIED!  They didn't just lie.  They gave fairly detailed opinions about what they did and didn't like about the newest debate (that hadn't happened yet)!  They cited specific instances in a debate that hadn't even happened yet!  These are people who are eligible to vote!  (Well, except that one guy.  Pretty sure he's been convicted of a felony at some point in his life.)
 
 
I really do not understand what just went on there.  Is it just because people want to be on TV?  Why is that so important to some folks?  Are they still happy that they were on TV after it comes out that they're complete dumbasses who didn't know what in the hell they were talking about?!  You know, they probably are!  They're probably just thrilled.  You know why?  Because they're dumbasses, that is correct.  Doomed.  We're so doomed.  Go ahead and vote in three weeks, morons.  Let's see how that turns out for us.  Oooh!  Maybe if we're lucky, they'll just tell us that they voted, kinda like how they watched the debate!  Fingers crossed!    

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Thursday, October 18, 2012

Presidential Wife Hair Swap

You know what's better than a Presidential hair swap?  A Presidential wife hair swap.  And not between the wives!  No, no.  Take the wife's hair and put it on the corresponding husband's head.  The results?  Fairly amusing!  Behold! 


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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Hot And Cold And Time Consuming

Here's another one of those dubbed videos where someone pieces together individual words that people say, in this case it's Mitt Romney and President Barry, and then has those words compile a popular song.  In this case, said song would be Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold".  But once again, the age old question that I have about these sorts of things continues to go unanswered.  WHERE DOES ANYONE FIND THE TIME TO DO THESE SORTS OF THINGS?!?! 

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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Those Are The Same People

You know who Kim Kardashian is, right?  Right.  OK, so she used to date Reggie Bush, football player.  Then she got rid of him and entered into an ill-fated marriage with another pro sports player.  After that bit the inevitable dust, she hooked up with Kanye West, ego-inflated rapper.  OK, so that's her brief dating history.  But back to Reggie Bush.  I guess he's gone his way and managed to knock up some chick that he was banging.  But here's the thing.  Tell me what you notice in these pictures.  Here's Kim and Kanye: 


OK.  Now, here's Reggie Bush and girlfriend.  Behold! 

Um, OK, yeah, they're still dating each other; they just don't know it.  See, those are the same people.  Not that there's anything wrong with that!  They clearly know what their type is.  I'm just merely pointing out the stunning similarities between all four of them.  They're the same. 

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Monday, October 15, 2012

The Media Sucks

Slow news day over yonder at Fox News, where I just read one of the more stupider articles ever.  According to the article, prehistoric man ate pandas.  I'm not sure how this article is intended to make the reader react.  It kind of has the feel of wanting us to recoil in horror that someone is going into the cages of these big, cuddly animals and hacking them to death to roast over an open fire.  I don't understand why I'm supposed to be surprised (or need to be informed) that ancient man used to eat ancient pandas.

The Chongqing Morning Post quoted him (and "him" is Wei Guangbiao and you can pronounce that however you'd like) as saying: "In primitive times, people wouldn't kill animals that were useless to them" and therefore the pandas must have been used as food."  I'm not sure what that means.  Useless to them?  In what way would an animal be useless?  I mean, I know that the Flintstones had Dino, but I think that was pretty much fictional (as were the Flintstones).  I guess I'm thinking that if you can eat an animal (and you can pretty much eat all of them) that it wouldn't be considered useless.  But maybe he means for other uses other than dinner.  It's hard to say because this article is such a complete piece of crap. 

It then mentions "But he says pandas were much smaller then."  I don't know what that has to do with anything.  And wait.  How much smaller?  Like the size of ducks?  Now, that'd be pretty interesting!  But  of course, because the article sucks, there is no elaboration on the size of the pandas.  And then it suddenly concluded by telling us "Pandas don't eat much apart from bamboo."  Wtf does that have to do with anything?!  What does their eating bamboo almost exclusively have to do with the fact that prehistoric man probably ate them?!  Is it to imply that panda tastes like bamboo?  If so (and I really don't think that's the point and I certainly hope that it isn't), I fail to see how that is helpful, as I have no idea what bamboo tastes like either! 

This article was clearly written to just take up space.  There's no point in it.  None.  God, the media sucks.  





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Sunday, October 14, 2012

Goodbye, Jerry

Jerry Sandusky is completely delusional.  You might have figured that out when it all came to light that he had been abusing small boys for years and years.  But he was sentenced the other day to a prison term which wasn't long enough in my opinion, but which will amount to essentially a life sentence for the elderly pervert.  When given the opportunity in court to make a statement, he (of course) chose to ramble on and blame his victims.  He just cannot stop victimizing, apparently.  Let's take a look at some of his more egregious statements. 

According to ABC News (and the fact that it actually happened), he said  "First, I looked at me, my vulnerability, my naivety [sic] (some say stupidity) and my trust in people," he wrote. "There were so many people involved in the orchestration of this conviction (media, investigators, prosecutors, 'the system,' Penn State, and the accused).  It was well done. They won!" Um, I'm going to disagree the most with the "They won!" sentiment.  I'm not so sure that anyone "won" in this instance, you sick bastard.  You raped small children.  They didn't "win" anything.  And your vulnerability?  Your naivete?  Your trust in people?  Oh, please.  Those were all ways that the children were and they were all the ways that you used to have your way with them.  I can't believe he actually had the nerve to sit there in court and say these things in front of some of those victims.  I don't know that I would have been able to compose myself if I had been one of them.  Jesus. 

He also said "I have been blamed for all of (the victims') failures and shortcomings, but nobody mentioned the impact of the people who spent much more time with them than I did;. Nobody mentioned the impact of abandonment, neglect, abuse, insecurity, and conflicting messages that the biological parents might have had in this."  Nobody mentioned people that spent much more time with those kids than you did because those people didn't rape them!  And all of those problems that you mentioned were exactly the traits that you looked for in your victims!  Good Lord.  This man is clearly delusional. 

But maybe not as delusional as his wife.  Yes, she too wrote a letter to the judge where she made Jerry Sandusky out to sound like a saint, while at the same time, blaming the victims and everyone else.  A portion of her letter reads like this:  "I use to believe in our protective system, but now have no faith in the police or legal system. To think that they can lie and get by with the lies. The press has been unbelievable. People who have not met us are writing untruths.
As far as our son Matt goes, people need to know what kind of person he is. We have forgiven him many times for all he has done to our family thinking that he was changing his life, but he would always go back to his stealing and lies. He has been diagnose with Bipolar, but he refuses to take his medicine. He has had many run-ins with the law and stolen money and items from our family. We still love him and want the best for him, but because of his actions we cannot express this to him."   Oh, there's some lying going on, all right.

I find all of this absolutely astounding.  Right, there was a HUGE conspiracy to frame Jerry Sandusky for doing all of the horrific things that he did.  And that reason was because...what now?  What was the reason for this intrinsically orchestrated fraud that was perpetrated upon him?  I mean, he even blamed Penn State!  They were the ones that allowed him unlimited access to children and unlimited access to areas wherein for him to commence all the raping!  How is Penn State in on this again, you moron? 

Again, I'm disappointed that he only got between 30-60 years.  I would have preferred at least a one hundred year sentence simply for symbolic reasons.  Even though he's never getting out, it still didn't feel like enough.  But maybe during the time that he has left (and I hope it's a lot of it so that he can sit in there and suffer) he'll be able to give up all of this blaming everyone else crap and just own up to what he did.  It's not going to change anything, but it's a hell of a lot better than saying that it was all a big conspiracy!




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Saturday, October 13, 2012

Caption Mitt

I've got nothing.  The news is either depressing or frustrating.  And the videos that I've seen lately are boring.  (Seriously, I don't need to watch another outtake on the Oppan Gangham Style video.  They're going to kill that thing faster than they killed Call Me Maybe over the summer.)  Seriously, I've got nothin'.  So here's a picture of Mitt Romney that is simply begging to be captioned in many different and humorous ways.  Have at it! 

 

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Friday, October 12, 2012

Vice Presidential Debate Hair Swap

You know what's great about these presidential and vice-presidential debates?  OK, I guess it's pretty great that we get to hear the candidates "debate" each other.  (Let's be honest.  There really isn't any debating going on.  They're just stating their positions.  No one is declared a winner at the end like in high school or college.)  And it's always nice watching someone tank when they were expected to do well.  But really, I think that the best things are the hair swap pictures that come out afterward.  They make me laugh because they're so much funnier than a face swap.  Tell me that you can look at the hair swap below and not laugh.  You can't do it!  That's because it's awesome.  AND hilarious.  Behold! 

 

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Thursday, October 11, 2012

Bad Lip Reading Presidential Debate Style

You know what would make that Presidential debate debacle last week even better?  If someone did a Bad Lip Reading parody of it and put the video up for all the world to see.  That would be highly entertaining. (What would be even better is if the video would embed itself below and I didn't have to include a link here.  Yeah, that'd be great.  That would make it look like I wrote more than just a couple of lines.  I mean, I did only write a couple of lines, but at least it would look more substantial with the video actually here.  ) 

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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Keep Talking!

So, apparently, the folks over at shopping channel QVC really take their stuff pretty seriously.  They really want to sell you some products and they do not want to be interrupted by anything.  And that would seemingly include if the co-host passes out during a demonstration of a product.  Wait.  What? 

Exactly that.  What we have is QVC host, a one Cassie Sloan, demonstrating some sort of kids' tablet.  In the middle of her explanation of how great it is, you can see her arm come up toward her chest as her speech starts getting a bit broken up and slurred.  Next thing you know, she goes down!  The camera cuts to a screen shot of the product and her co-host (I don't know his name, but I'm going to call him Dumbass)  does what anyone no one would do in that situation. He keeps right on trying to sell the product! Just keeps right on talking!  Gotta sell those tablets! 

From what I've read elsewhere, Cassie was down for a couple of minutes, but then she popped right back up and attempted (for some reason) to pick up where she left off!  Who is over there who is letting someone who just passed out continue to sell a product in lieu of getting some sort of medical attention?!  And it's not like she was just fine or anything!  No, she was having a hard time forming words that counted as words.  But yet they just let her keep on talking for at least another minute before she was asked to sit down!  Note to self:  If ever working at QVC, well, first figure out how in the hell that happened.  But second, don't have a stroke on the air and expect to take a little breather afterwards!  Not going to happen!

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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

He Should Not Be On That Committee

Did you know that there is a U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Science, Space and Technology?  There is.  And it used to be just the Committee on Science and Technology until recently when Space was put back in there to more accurately reflect some of the stuff that it does.  (You'd think that 'space' could be covered by science and/or technology, but I guess the need was felt for it to have it's own distinction.) I point that out because it's pretty much all about the science and the technology.  That's why having Rep. Paul Broun (R-idiculous, GA) on that committee is a disaster waiting to happen. 

Mr. Broun would appear to have...beliefs that don't exactly square with...science.  See, there's a big difference between science and, well, other stuff.  Science is based on facts.  You can say that you don't like a fact, but the great part about facts is that they're very factual.   So, even though you might not like that something is proven to be a certain way, the fact is that's how it is.  The problem with the definition of a fact is that Rep. Broun doesn't seem to understand it.  See, it would appear that he is one of those folks that, for whatever reason, seem to want to believe that the Earth is only a few thousand years old.  (Don't ask me how dinosaurs fit into that ridiculous belief.  I have no idea.  I can barely wrap my head around the fact that some people actually believe this crap.)  And this is a guy who calls himself a scientist!  He's not.  He's a nutjob.  Big difference.  Usually.  Even more frightening?  This guy is actually a doctor.  He has an M.D. 

How in the world is a guy like this allowed to be on a committee that makes decisions about science and technology?!  Allow me to quote the wonderful Bill Nye The Science Guy in a letter that he wrote to the Huffington Post.  "Since the economic future of the United States depends on our tradition of technological innovation, Representative Broun's views are not in the national interest...For example, the Earth is simply not 9,000 years old...He is, by any measure, unqualified to make decisions about science, space, and technology." 

I fear that I may have gotten ahead of myself here.  Below is a video and a transcription of Rep. Broun speaking before a group of like-minded nutjobs.  He talks about how basic science is just a bunch of lies sent straight from hell.  (And I must say, hell must have certainly really thought things out in an extremely orderly fashion that can be proven through scientific studies and experiments.  Good thinkin', hell!)  He talks about how the Bible teaches us how to run public policy and everything in society.  (Yeah, I don't think it does.)  And the most important part that you need to know is that he says that he holds the Bible as what gives him directions on how he votes in Washington.  Yeah, um, I don't know what the Bible says about space, technology and science, but I'm guessing not much.  HOW is this guy on that committee and HOW do we get him OFF of it?! 

God's word is true.  I've come to understand that.  All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory...all that is lies straight from the pit of hell.  And it's lies to try to keep me and all the folks who are taught that from understanding that they need a Savior.  You see, there are a lot of scientific data that I've found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth.  I don't believe that the Earth is more about nine thousand years old.  I believe it was created in six days as we know them.  That's what the Bible says.  And what I've come to learn is that it's the Manufacturer's Handbook is what I call it.  It teaches us how to run our lives individual.  How to run our families.  How to run our churches.  But it teaches us how to run all public policy and everything in society.  That's the reason, as your congressman, I hold the Holy Bible as being the major directions to me as how I voted in Washington, D.C. and I'll continue to do that."  (This seems to be about the only time that I would consider it appropriate to quote the Bible.  Jesus.)

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Monday, October 8, 2012

Halloween Sluts To Doom Us All

It's October and that means that Halloween is coming up.  You'd think that I'd be used to all of the slutty costumes that come out at this time of year, but I'm not.  When did this stop being a holiday for little kids to dress up in cute little costumes and go around the neighborhood to get a boat load of free candy and start becoming a holiday for women to dress up like sluts?  I know it's not all sluts, but there's a fair amount of slutty Halloween costumes out there.  You know how many sluts there were on Halloween when I was growing up?  Yeah, none.  But now?  Now we're just doomed.  You know how I know that?  Sexy Ernie, that's how.  Behold! 


 

Good Lord.  In what sense is that appropriate?  You can thank the good folks over yonder at Yandy.com (after all, that is where I got the pictures) for these sorts of costumes if that's what you're into.  Actually, in what sense does that even make sense?  Ernie is a male puppet.  There is nothing sexy about him. Even with his little rubber duckie appliqued on her ass.  See?



The only one who might find that sort of outfit even remotely attractive could maybe possibly be Bert.  But I doubt it.  I don't buy into the theory that they're gay.  And that's mainly because they're puppets.  Oh, and speaking of Bert...behold!

Jesus. Again, not appropriate. Not sexy. It's BERT, for cryin' out loud! BERT is not sexy!

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Sunday, October 7, 2012

Repetition, Repetition

Must be hard writing jokes for those late night shows.  And by "hard", I mean not hard at all.  I mean, if you're just going to recycle the same old joke every time some guy gets caught having sex with a horse, I don't know that you can really call that job "hard".  The making the jokes, that is.  Not having sex with a horse.  That's just perverse.  But you'd think that there'd be just a little bit of creativity in those sorts of situations, especially when you have a few years in between said equine sex to think up such jokes.  Here's Conan O'Brien using not only the same joke, but basically the same body language three years apart.  He can't even move around differently?  I'm in the wrong line of work.  

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Saturday, October 6, 2012

It's Not The Altitude, Al

The media, who have spent the last four years wetting their collective selves over their unhidden love of President Barry, have been beside themselves ever since the debate debacle the other night.  I thought that Chris Matthews of MSNBC was going to have an aneurysm right there on the air.  He flipped his s***.  It was awesome.  But my point here is that while I knew that the media would be largely disappointed over the failure of their savior to thrive in the spotlight against a formerly robotic Mitt Romney, what I did not know is that some of them would make up the most ridiculous excuses that I have ever heard for the lackluster performance.  Mr. Gore, I'm talking to you. 

That's right.  Al Gore has uttered one of the most ridiculous sentences, let alone excuses, in the history of uttering things. He was making an appearance on his TV station, Current TV (check your local listings and go waaayyyyyy up on the dial) and he leads with "I'm going to say something controversial here."  Problem is that he didn't say something controversial.  He said something asinine.  

"Obama arrived in Denver at 2pm today.  Just a few hours before the debate start.  Romney did his debate prep in Denver."  (It is this point that elicits a deep thought "Mmm-hmmm" from his moronic co-hosts there.)  "When you go to five thousand feet...(Idiotic co-hort: "Exactly.")...and you only have a few hours to adjust...(Other idiotic co-hort: "That's interesting."  Mmmm...no...no, it really isn't.)...I don't know...maybe..."  Maybe??  Maybe WHAT?! 

You know, I've flown into Denver International Airport for a few hours and I've gotta say, I was still able to form coherent sentences.  One of the minions on the panel there went on to babble something about how he's been at high altitudes before and it does something to your lungs.  Lungs aren't responsible for brain function!  I don't recall the President wheezing.  I do recall him looking bored, disinterested and having a difficult time getting up the energy to say anything with emphasis and meaning behind it.  The altitude?  Good Lord, Al.  If that's the best that you can come up with, maybe President Barry is in some serious trouble. A video of this, the lamest of all excuses, is below. 

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Friday, October 5, 2012

Hair Swap 2012

So there was a debate the other night where a completely different Mitt Romney emerged and kind of laid it down on President Barry.  Where has that guy been this entire time?  To somewhat quote Dennis Miller, President Barry better hope that a kicked ass is covered by Obamacare.  President Barry came across as a guy who just couldn't hide his Ambien habit any longer.  Good Lord, he looked like he could barely keep his eyes open.  Things might start to get interesting now.  But by far, the best thing to come out of that debate is the picture below.  Nothing like a good old fashioned hair swap to make me laugh. 

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Thursday, October 4, 2012

Longest Bid Ever

I have never seen anyone take this long on The Price As Right to place a bid as this woman did.  Even when she thought that she knew what she wanted to say, she still couldn't get it right and left off a zero (which is very important when you're bidding on something).  She seems like a nice lady, though.  Indecisive as all hell, but very nice. 


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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Don't Say THAT!

Today's post is going to be about how to not be a bad criminal.  Actually, it's going to be more about things not to do as a criminal.  And the crime isn't what I'm focusing on.  Assume if you will that the crime is essential to the daily function of the incredibly dense individual in question.  I'm merely focusing on how to improve their sorry, sorry game. 

What we have here is a one Ashley Bellamy.  Ms. Bellamy is 22 and probably old enough to know better.  (And if you're thinking that this had to have taken place in Florida, you'll be as surprised as I was to learn that it was in Philadelphia!  Way to go, Philly!  Usurping Florida and it's signature idiocy and weirdness.)  She was involved in an ordeal that required the cops to show up.  From what I understand from the Huffington Post, they were involved in a drug deal and they pulled a gun on their customer who, in turn, went inside the convenience store that they met outside of and called the cops to tell them there was someone with a gun in the parking lot.

The cops show up and ask the two dimwits to get out of the car.  The cops, being trained in the art of keen observation,  notice that Ms. Bellamy is "walking funny".  When the female cop asked her why she was "walking funny", Ms. Bellamy told her "I've got crack in her vagina."  ("But I repeat myself."  Sorry.  I couldn't help it.  I was kind of hoping to take the high road with this story or, at the very least, the medium road.  But I failed miserably.  Dang it.)  That's right.  Crack.  Up...there.  36 vials to be exact.  Holy crap. 

But here's the problem that I have with this:  If you're taking all of the trouble to shove thirty six  vials of crack up your wazoo and then the cops ask you why you're walking funny, tell 'em you...sprained your ankle or...you...have a yeast infection...or...maybe tell the cop "I think you walk funny!...or...I don't know what else.  But something!  Because if you're just going to come right out and say "I have crack in my vagina" then there's no point in putting it up there in the first place!  Why'd you bother?!  What's the point?!  If you're just going to reply, "I have a tremendous amount of crack cocaine stashed in my vagina and that is likely the cause of my irregular gait that you noticed", then why shove it up there in the first place?!  You gotta think!!




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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Make Some Time

Let me tell you why Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are going to lose.  Ready?  It's because they are completely clueless as to how to communicate with the masses.  They claim to have all of these "plans" that are going to "save" the country, but they don't seem to be able to articulate them at all, even when asked about them!  How ridiculous is that?!  If you have a plan and you are unable to spell it out for people who are of the most simple of the simple minded, then you are going to have a hard time getting anyone to even think about listening to you, much less actually listening to you.

Below is a clip of Paul Ryan when he was being interviewed by Chris Wallace on Fox News.  You're going to have to try to ignore the fact that it really looks like he's wearing eye shadow.  I'm pretty sure that he's not (I'm certainly hoping that he's not), but that doesn't change what it looks like. The point here is that Chris Wallace wants specifics and Paul Ryan isn't able to give them to him.  Here's how the exchange went:  Chris Wallace, after listening to Ryan ramble on about broadening the tax base in vague manners, says to him "You haven't given me the math yet."  That seems like a reasonable thing to ask someone who is running for Vice President of the United States.  It seems like a reasonable thing to ask anyone who claims to have a solution for something.  "Hey, how does that work, exactly?"  You know what the answer to NOT give to that question is?  What Paul Ryan said.  He replied, "Yeah..well...I don't have the ti...It would take me too long to go through all of the math."  Good Lord.  What now? 

He doesn't have the time?  Hey, Paul Ryan!  I suggest you make the freaking time to explain to people that you're running on something besides "Just trust me.  I got this."  Remember Ross Perot and his little charts?  People ate that stuff up.  People loved his charts.  And he managed to simplify things so that the average moron could kind of get it.  Because that's who votes.  Morons.  You have to play to them at this point.  And if you're going to sit there and say that you don't have the time, I highly doubt that your fake marathon times and your likely fake body fat percentages are going to win anyone over. 

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