Friday, August 31, 2012

Don't Make My Day This Way

Holy.  Crap.  Oh, and wtf was that?  Obviously I'm talking about Clint Eastwood's "speech" on Thursday night at the Republican convention down there in Florida.  If you haven't seen it, hoo boy!  Are you in for a treat!  Listen, if he hadn't been a well-known and fairly beloved actor, he would have been gently guided off the stage at some point so that they could start calling homes to find out which one he wandered off from.  It was like that.  I started to wonder if maybe he had suffered a blow to the head right before he came out on stage and started rambling on to an empty chair.  (I felt like he was attempting to channel the genius of Bob Newhart.  The key word there being "attempting".  Not as easy at it looks, eh?!)  It was spectacular and it's something that I'll remember to my dying day.  Seriously, if you haven't already, you have to see this.  Yes, I know it's a little long at just under twelve minutes.  But it was only supposed to be four minutes, apparently.  The little red light that indicates that your time is up was blinking for over eight minutes before he ended the whole thing on a weird note that may or may not have been spontaneous.  I guess he just didn't care.  Either way, he didn't make my day, but he did kinda mess up my night.  It wasn't pretty.  But it's one of those train wrecks that you just can't look away from.  Give it a look.  You won't be sorry.  You'll be confused, but not sorry.  Behold! 

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Thursday, August 30, 2012

Is That A Walrus?

Skittles has a new product out.  I think that they're called Skittles Riddles.  The premise is that the outside of the candy is one color, but the inside of the candy is a flavor that doesn't match what the outside color is.  So you might get a red Skittle, but instead of it tasting like cherry or strawberry, it would taste like lemon.  Really, all of this isn't stuff that you need to know.  What you need to know is that the Skittles people felt that the best way to sell this new candy of theirs is to make a commercial with a chick making out with a walrus.  That's right.  A walrus.  If you think that sounds disgusting and has nothing at all to do with Skittles, you'd be correct!  See for yourself how effing weird this actually is.  Behold! 

 
 
I've watched this video more than once and each time I keep hoping that I'll understand the connection between a tangy, chewy candy and fraternizing with a walrus.  And each time I never make the connection.  It reminds me of Jabba the Hut when he had Princess Leia all chained up.  She was disgusted by him and I kinda feel a little bit the same way about this commercial.  It's really freaking weird is what it is.  

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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

"Hurricane" Isaac

So far, my "Hurricane" Isaac predictions have been pretty accurate.  It's raining really hard in Louisiana and it's pretty wet.  Some things are flooding and there's some damage because that's what happens when 75mph winds and a boatload of rain come to town.  But of course, the media seems disappointed by all of this.  The Houston Chronicle even went as far as to come up with an article entitled "Why wasn't Isaac another Katrina?"  (Uh, because it was a completely DIFFERENT storm?! Just because there's a hurricane that happens to hit Louisiana, that doesn't mean that ALL hurricanes must wreak the havoc and destruction equal to or worse than Katrina! Why is an entire article needed to explain this fact? Why does this fact need explaining? So many questions. So little sanity.)  And then there's The Weather Channel.  I tuned in a few times today just to see what was going on.  Sadly, it was the same on The Weather Channel all the live long day as it was on every single news broadcast across the country.  Behold! 


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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

It's Raining In Louisiana

Hey, guess what?  It's raining in Louisiana.  Good God, if I have to hear about Hurricane Isaac one more time, I'm going to lose it.  Does the media not have anything else that they can cover?  Last I checked, we were still at war in Afghanistan.  There was a terror plot just uncovered the other day.  And the Republicans are having their ho-down in Florida.  But what does the media wet itself over?  A hurricane that is going through a place where another hurricane once went and did a lot of damage. 

I'm not saying that hurricanes aren't big deals.  They are.  They can do a lot of damage and people can get seriously hurt and even killed by hurricanes.  But just because Hurricane Katrina went through New Orleans in 2005 and did a crapload of damage and killed over 1,800 people, the media is acting as if every hurricane that goes through there is going to do the same thing.  First of all, Hurricane Katrina was a Category 3 by the time it hit land.  Hurricane Isaac is barely a Category 1.  I'm not saying that a Category 1 hurricane is something to scoff at.  That's not it.  What I'm saying is that it is no where near the intensity that Katrina was. 

And really, after the amount of money that was spend making things better in New Orleans after Katrina, I would certainly hope that they've fixed things.  There was a ton of federal funds that were poured into New Orleans in order to fix their infrastructures that failed when the waters got a little deep.  Why is everyone acting like nothing has been done in the past 7 or so years?  This is NOT the same as before!  I just don't get it. 

The media really needs to check itself.  Then again, the media sucks and the coverage of this rainstorm isn't really helping do anything to improve that image.  I'm hoping that things turn out OK with minimal damage and no loss of life.  But the media seems to be hoping for a complete disaster.  It's almost like if this storm was worse than Katrina that the media would have preferred it that way.  But so far, the media is just going to have to report that it got really wet in Louisiana.

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Monday, August 27, 2012

Hay, Mitt.

Mitt Romney gave an interview with Chris Wallace of Fox News over the weekend.  Apparently, the interview was given at Mitt Romney's sprawling country compound.  I don't know that I would have done the interview at my place if I had a place like his, but no one asked me.  (Then again, I don't know if I would have an interview at the place that I live now.  The world doesn't need to see my walled off squalor.)  Chris Wallace was all dressed in his suit and tie and interview clothes and Mitt Romney was all dressed in his "I'm a rich guy who is trying to look like a regular guy, but I'm going to do it in a rich guy way and thereby not come off as a regular guy at all" clothes.  You know what I mean.  The carefully creased and starched pants (they weren't jeans, so that is an improvement) and the shirts that look like graph paper.  And right next to them were three of the most outlandishly, pre-planned, obviously placed hay bales that I have ever seen.  Behold! 





Seriously, I had a really difficult time watching the interview and hearing anything that either one of them said because all I could do is look at those hay bales.  All I could think of was "Seriously?  Somebody approved that?  Somebody decided to do that?  Somebody thought that was a good idea? Someone thought that those extremely out of place hay bales are communicating something positive about Mitt?"  Is that what went on?  Maybe I should consider making the walls around my walled-off compound even higher because this is one of the most ridiculous set-ups I have ever seen. 

How would that help the candidate at all?  Look at how perfectly they're placed there.  It's like a movie set or something.  Two of the bales are at an angle and the third is carefully placed on top.  I guess we're supposed to infer (somehow) that Mitt and his ranch hand were unloading bales of hay off the struck and three of the bales conveniently ended up right there on the edge of the patio where Mitt took a break from 'farmin' in order to do a quickie interview with Chris Wallace?!  Are we supposed to be that stupid?!  Why in the world would you EVER have hay bales on the edge of your patio?  You wouldn't.  You just wouldn't.  Does he have a horse on his patio?  Does Ann's dressage horse eat hay on their patio?  I don't think that it does! 
 
They look like they're from a Pottery Barn catalog or something.  (New from Pottery Barn's Amityville collection, it's the Stackable Hay Bale Set!  Available in Medium and Large.  Colors limited to taupe and beige.  Extra individual hay bales are available.)  I wonder if they interlock together in a specific way.  Perhaps they click together as if they were purchased from Ikea!  What is it with political candidates and hay bales?!  Hillary did something like this as well back in 2008 as I recall.  She even adopted a weird, fleeting, slight southern accent when challenging then-Senator Barry to a debate that would be held anywhere including doing it on the back of a flatbed truck.  Like Hillary Clinton has any idea what a flatbed truck is. 

Good God, I need this to be over.  Is it November yet?

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Sunday, August 26, 2012

You Couldn't Even Take A New Picture?

So, Neil Armstrong died on Saturday.  You want to talk about a guy who could be labeled a hero, he would be the one.  The guy risked his life and subjected himself to quite harrowing circumstances (eg knowing that if something went wrong that he would never return to the only freaking planet in the solar system with life on it), all for the furthering of space exploration and science.  Why we don't keep on doing those sorts of things I have no idea.  But Neil Armstrong was only one of twelve guys who walked on the surface of the moon and that's something.  So when you try to share a sentiment about such an amazing and humble guy who just died, what say you do so by commemorating the occasion with, at the very least, a picture of the dearly departed and not one of yourself that was taken back in April.  President Barry, I'm talking to you.  Behold! 
President Barry had this on his Tumblr account with the caption "Neil’s spirit of discovery lives on in all the men and women who have devoted their lives to exploring the unknown—including those who are ensuring that we reach higher and go further in space. That legacy will endure—sparked by a man who taught us the enormous power of one small step. "  OK, that's nice and all, but what say that you express that without a picture of yourself?  Maybe I'm being overly picky on this one, but it seems strange to me.  It seems even stranger that he would use a picture that he had already posted on his Tumble back in April.  That's right.  Couldn't even go outside and stare at the moon for a new picture of himself.  Would it have been that hard?  Neil Armstrong allowed himself to be shot into space and President Barry can't even use a picture of the guy, let alone take a new picture of himself?  Again, maybe I'm making too big of a deal about this.  All I know is that I've known a lot of people who have died and I have never commemorated them nor expressed by condolences via a picture of myself.  I'm just saying.

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Saturday, August 25, 2012

Thanks For Everything, Count

Famous people are dropping dead all over the place.  First Phyllis Diller, then Neil Armstrong.  Who's next, you ask?  Sadly, the answer to that is Jerry Nelson.  Now, if you're like me, you're going to say, "Who?"  But when I tell you who he is, you're going to say, "Ohhhh.  OK.  Bummer."  Jerry Nelson was the Muppeteer who voiced and moved Count von Count on Sesame Street.  I loved Sesame Street as a child.  Still like it today (though I wish that they'd do away with the oh-so-hip opening song that they've switched to).  The Count was probably my favorite.  I loved counting and I still do.  It was not uncommon for me as a child to count things in the manner of the Count.  (Three!  Three...red...apples!  Bwah-ha-ha-HA!)  Thus, I am sad that this guy died (even though I couldn't have told you his name if you paid me before he dropped dead).  So here is an old-school video of theCount doing what he does best.  Counting.  And annoying Kermit.  It's complete with a "walk this way" joke, so that really adds to the whole enjoyment factor.  Behold! 

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Friday, August 24, 2012

Hands Off, Crazy

People are taking the whole Todd-Akin-says-stupid-things-about-abortion dealio just a little too seriously.  It's not quite at the level of Chick-Fil-A craziness, but it's getting closer.  And you know what else people are doing waaaaaaaay to much of lately?  Putting any thought that pops into their head up against the music to the pop song of the summer, Call Me Maybe.  It's such a catchy tune that just about everything that you can think of sounds good with that beat and with that music.  But enough already.  Got it?  Here's the last one that anyone can do and after this, it's over, all right?!  Here's Hands Off, Crazy by people who want to turn the abortion issue into a sex thing and not leave it at what it is.  I'm not going to get into who is right and who is wrong because I really don't think that there is a right or a wrong side in this debate and you're never going to be able to convince anyone on one side to come over to your side.  But you can have them watch this video and enjoy the catchy tune and the amusing lyrics.  (OK, they say 'vagina' just a little too much for my taste, but I think that's kind of the point.) Behold! 


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Thursday, August 23, 2012

Eternal Mediocrity

Why must companies mess with something that is perfectly fine?  Fortunately, this time it isn't that big of a deal.  It's just a logo.  But sometimes, logos are iconic and should just be left alone.  Remember what happened with The Gap?  They went from this: 



To this:  
Yeah, see how much that sucked? I don't think that new logo lasted very long after everyone freaked out about it. I guess Microsoft didn't get the memo though, because they just changed their logo after 25 years from this:


To this.  Behold!

Seriously, how does that take any thought at all.  It's too plain.  It's too basic.  Did it take them five minutes to come up with that?  Or did they just look at the disaster that was The Gap's feeble attempt at a new logo and just decide to go that route?  (Seriously, the similarities are quite distinctive!) I thought that the old logo was just fine.  It's been 25 years already.  What's a few more?  Then again, the new one is so basic, I suppose that it could last forever.  Great.  Eternal mediocrity (which is not a bad name for band). 




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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Call To Arms!

Iowa, I am disappointed in you.  Seriously, you have crazy Hank Williams Jr. perform at your State Fair and then when he goes off on his maniacal tirade about President Barry and not one, not ONE video or audio has surfaced of this?!  Come on, Iowa!  Check yourselves!  This is gold, Jerry!  Gold!  Did you hear what he said?!  He said "We've got a Muslim president who hates farming, hates the military, hates the U.S. and we hate him!"  Hates farming?!  Really??  Huh.  I did not see that coming.   Regardless, that's just an awesome thing for an aging (and likely crazy) country singer to be spouting up on stage at a state fair in Iowa.  And apparently, the crowd went wild when he said/yelled it!  But can I find any sort of footage of this craziness anywhere on the Internets?  No!  Step it up, Iowa!  I have a hard time believing that, even in Iowa, that there wasn't a single person there who didn't get video of this event.  Come on!  There's no way.  So let's see it, Iowa!  Give it up!  Send me your videos!  We'll be the first to put this crazy glory out there for the masses!  I know you've got it!  Gimme.

 

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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Smartphones Do Lots Of Things

I have an awesome smartphone.  It's an HTC Evo 4G.  The 4G part is complete crap, though.  There aren't enough reliable 4G networks to make any sort of a difference.  I've had the phone for almost two years and I think that I've been able to get a decent 4G signal MAYBE twice.  Regardless of that however, it's still an awesome device.  I can do a zillion things on it.  Read news.  Get directions.  Play games.  Look up stuff on the Internet.  Stream radio stations.  I think it even makes phone calls, but I'm not totally sure.  The point here is that something called Online Publishing Associates did a survey of sorts to see exactly what it is that people are doing with their smartphones.  The number one thing that people used this amazing technological device to do?  Check the friggin weather.  Behold! 




Checking the weather?!  I'm not so sure that I've ever used my phone to check the weather.  You know why?  Because my house has windows!  Who on earth checks the weather obsessively?  And why are there so many of them?!  What is wrong with you people?!  The second most popular usage, in a distant second at 31% behind the weather's 47% (almost half...I'm still amazing), is watching video.  Good Lord.  People just cannot be without their little snippets of cats doing cute things, is that it?  500,000 apps in the App Store alone and people are watching videos of cats and checking the weather.  Smartphones my ass. 

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Monday, August 20, 2012

It's Only August

The other day, I was in the grocery store and I saw this: 

It was August TENTH, for cryin' out loud!  Halloween candy should NOT be making an appearance while it's still summer!  But even though I found that irritating, I was willing to overlook it.  You know what I'm not willing to overlook?  This: 
 
 
That's enough!  Go home, Christmas!  You are drunk!  It is only AUGUST!!  Go!  Shoo!!  I'll see you in about four months.  Go on!  Git! 

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Sunday, August 19, 2012

No Apology Necessary

I'm  not going to be knocking ALL school administrators, but I am going to say that my experience with a lot of them has been less than pleasant.  Vice principals, for some reason, are especially frustrating.  Every single vice principal that I have ever had to deal with has always been a complete moron on an imaginary power trip.  How they ever got a position of "authority" in the first place is beyond me.  Today's tale is filled with that same sort of wonderment.  How on earth did someone get into their position if this is how they think that things should be done?! 

What we have is a story out of Prague, Oklahoma.  It would seem that class valedictorian Kaitlin Nootbaar gave a graduation speech back in May.  It's what the valedictorian does.  And according to KFOR TV, her speech wasn't exactly well received by at least one school administrator.  Of course, she didn't know that until this past week when she went to pick up her diploma.  That's when the principal told her "Your diploma is right here but you’re not getting it. Close the door we have a problem".  The "problem" that he was referring to?  She said "hell" in her speech. 

That's right.  Hell.  Now, it's not like she told anyone to go to hell or anything like that.  No, in fact, she was essentially spouting inspiration that she had gained from, of all freaking things, Eclispe: The Twilight Saga.  According to Kaitlin's dad, her quote was "...when she first started school she wanted to be a nurse, then a veterinarian and now that she was getting closer to graduation people would ask her what do you want to do and she said ‘How the hell do I know? I’ve changed my mind so many times.”  Totally reasonable if you're asking me.  Clearly, however, no one was asking me because this thing has gone full asshat. 

First of all, the word 'hell' is so mainstream these days, I barely think of it as profanity at all.  I think that we're at the point with it where it's technically profane, but not really.  That aside, the dad thinks that it's probably against the law to withhold her diploma for that reason.  I'm not sure if a law has been broken, but it wouldn't surprise me if it had.  I'm certain that common sense has been completely thrown out the window.  That I can assure you.  Oh, but "...the principal told Kaitlin she would have to write an apology letter before he would release the diploma." 

An apology letter?!  For what?!  First of all, if it was really a problem, don't you think that they should have said something to her months ago after it happened?  Second, there's nothing to apologize for!  Naturally, when trying to get the school's side of the story, the superintendent, a one Dr. Rick Martin, said “This matter is confidential and we can not publicly say anything about it .”  Uh, no, this matter is clearly not confidential if it's on the freaking news!  But loosely translated, that comes out to mean "We're obviously complete asshats and have no idea what we're doing, but we don't want to discuss that with reasonable people right now." 

I've decided that she should write the letter of apology.  And it should read something like this: 

Dear Principal Asshat (I'm ad-libbing there, of course, because I don't know Principal Asshat's given name),

I am so f**king sorry that I swore at graduation.  I don't know what in the hell I was thinking.  The second after I said it, I thought to myself, "God dammit!  Why did I say such a stupid f**king thing?  What a s****y thing to do!"  Sometimes, I just don't f**king think.  

Anyway, I'm really f**king sorry.  Can I have my f**king diploma now?  

Sincerely,

Kaitlin

She shouldn't have to apologize for anything.  She should be given her diploma so that she can move on with her life and attend the college which she has a full scholarship to because she was such a good student in high school.  Seriously.  Dr. Rick Martin needs to get off of his little power trip that he's on and do the right thing.  He needs to have a little chat with the asshat principal that won't give Kaitlin her diploma and make sure that she gets it.  And as for the apology, there absolutely should be one.  But it should be them apologizing to her, not the other way around.  Seriously, what is wrong with some people?

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Saturday, August 18, 2012

Woof. I Got Nothin'

I got nothin' today.  Not a thing.  I tried.  I read stuff.  I looked at stuff.  I watched stuff.  Nothin'.  So please accept this picture of a dog about to enjoy his birthday dinner in lieu of some snarky substance.

 

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Friday, August 17, 2012

#TweetYourNameWithNoVowels..If You Can

I'm going to increase the height of the wall around my walled-off compound and make the moat just a little bit wider and add a few more alligators in there just for safe keeping.  Why, you ask?  Because I just checked on the Twitter trend #TweetYourNameWithNoVowels and I was seriously appalled.  Let's look at not one, not two, but multiple results for this fleeting fad of the day, shall we?  Prepare your cranium for implosion. 

First, we're going to have to overlook that this is an absolutely moronic thing for anyone to give a crap about tweeting in the first place.  Who in the hell cares what someone's name looks like without any vowels?!  How is this even a thing in the first place?  Well, OK, it's only a thing for those who know what a vowel is.  That's right.  "Vowel" seems to have stumped the masses.  Don't believe me?  Don't want to believe me?  Let's begin.   Chelsea, you're up first! 


Next up is Danielle! 

 Fortunately, in Danielle's case, we have Bekah to the rescue!  

Oh, 2 A's and a D!  She passed easily, though!  Clearly a genius, that's right!  Oh, how I wish that Bekah had gone after those particular pearls of wisdom from Danielle.  Or that she had gone after any of these other obvious idiots.  Bekah can stay.  Everyone else?  OUT!  Who's up next?  Oh, it's Frankie.  Hi, Frankie! 

Next we have Isabella as put in her place by Red Forman!
Next we have Johnny. Johnny appears to be as much of a dumbass as Isabella and the rest.
And we don't want to leave out Jordan.
Or Shaunna.
But my favorite out of the uneducated masses has to be Max. Behold! Max!
My head hurts. And I really don't know if I can get that wall high enough.

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Thursday, August 16, 2012

Cheeseburger In North Korea

I know that things might not always seem all that great here in 'Merica, but trust me, we got it goooooood.  I mean, now that women can wear pants and everyone else can eat pizza and hamburgers, it's really becoming quite lovely and relaxed around here.  Oh, wait.  No, that's not us.  Yeah, that's North Korea where that just happened.  Wait.  What? 

Correct.  See, North Korea is run by a little round guy named Kim Jung Un.  His father, Kim Jung "Mentally" IL, died a little while back and this 20-something ended up as the new dictator. And now, according to the Daily Mail he's trying to "...rebrand his nation by relaxing a series of laws".  While that can probably only be a good thing, it's amazing that they have these laws in the first place.  Then again, when you're under the rule of a dictator, it's kind of only up to that one guy, so you're really pretty screwed all the way around. 

One of the changes that he made was "...lifting of the ban on women wearing trousers in public."  That's right.  Before just a little while ago in the year 2012, if you are a woman you were not allowed to wear pants in public!  And if you were a woman and you dared to wear pants in public and you were caught, do you know what happened to you?  "If caught, sometimes they would cut your pants right there in public to make it into a skirt." I don't even know what to say to that.  No wonder no one can reason with these people and have them not be so nuts.  That's clearly nuts! 

Speaking of nuts, it's unclear to me whether or not those are on an apparent list of foods that can or cannot be had in North Korea.  But up until just a few weeks ago, some of those foods that were not allowed as they had been deemed "too Western" were burgers, fries and pizza.  Considering that this is a country that occasionally lets its people starve, I'm really not too sure what to make of this.  I'm thinking that the residents would just be happy with food in general, but I guess that in a regime such as this one, you're happy with a little bit of choice.  I wonder what other foods, if any, are still banned.  Can they have tacos?  What about ice cream?  And what exactly does a North Korean pizza consist of?  I'm guessing it's not exactly Pizza Hut.  That picture there is of him visiting a "Western restaurant".  Umm, OK, then.  They haven't been "out West" in a while, have they?

In another move that I found to be a bit creepy, Kim Jung IL and his government officials handpicked small children and gave them the opportunities to "visit zoos, amusement parks, and attend concerts."  It went on to say that "Crowds of enthusiastic kids were seen pledging allegiance, shouting, and crying at the sight of their new leader, who wore the children's symbolic red scarf."  I'd probably cry too if I had been hand-picked by the government to "enjoy myself".  Who knows what would happen to you if you weren't filled with fun and frivolity when the Grand Poobah came to visit?! Off with their heads! 

Like I was saying, we've got it pretty good here.  Heck, we've got it pretty good just about anywhere that isn't North Korea. 

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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Roid Rage

I hate cheaters.  And I hate it when cheaters are on teams that I root for.  It's not cool and it's not necessary, especially when you're a professional.  And just in case you're wondering what I'm referencing, Melky Cabrera of the San Francisco Giants got suspended today for testing positive for testosterone.  He'll be out for fifty games which effectively ends his season and quite possibly that of the Giants as well.  A-hole. 

There are several things about the response to this announcement that I found irritatingly amusing.  First would be Melky's obligatory apology.  He said, "My positive test was the result of my use of a substance I should not have used."  Really?!  You don't say?!  So it wasn't a poppy seed muffin or a children's vitamin or some other lame-ass excuse?  No, instead it was a lame-ass statement of fact.  Yeah, no s***, Sherlock.  That's why you're suspended! 

Melky wasn't the only one with idiotic reactions to this news.  There were the comments of the manager, Bruce Bochy, that were idiotic as well.  Bochy said, "Melky, he was hurt by it.  It's obvious he was disappointed."  HE was disappointed?!  Disappointed at what exactly?  That he got caught 'roiding up?  And how is HE hurt?!  That's just a ridiculous thing to say in this situation.  Embarrassed.  Ashamed.  Those would have been better adjectives to describe his feelings as opposed to hurt, which is just asinine. 

But this one might be my favorite.  A one Robinson Cano, former Yankee teammate of Melky's said, "It's really sad. He's having a great year...But, I'm his friend and I'm gonna be there for him."  It's not SAD.  It's idiotic!  And he absolutely was having a great year!  That's because he was cheating!  Duh!  He was having a great year...good Lord.  Yeah, Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire all had great years when they were cheating as well.  And those cases also were not "sad". 

What I don't totally get is why no one is angry about this.  I'm furious.  This totally affects the Giants chance at post-season play.  They were actually starting to come around this season, even with their ridiculously high paid pitchers who were sucking worse than you could ever imagine they could suck.  That aside, it's just stupid.  The players know that they get tested.  It's a given.  It's not a question of if, it's a question of when.  And then the inevitable happens and all people have to say is that they're hurt and sad and disappointed?!  What is going on??  What is wrong with you people??  

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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

D'oh! New Words!

So they added a bunch of words to the Oxford English Dictionary.  Thirty five new words made it in this time.  I appreciate their restraint.  The last time that the Official Scrabble Dictionary (which is what people who play Scrabble use as their dictionary, no matter how much someone else who just started playing the game with people that they barely know might protest.  Whoops.  I digress.) was updated, they added over three thousand words to it.  Three thousand words.  That just amazes me.  Where'd those words come from?  Why weren't they in there before?  So many questions.  None of which are even slightly interesting enough to contemplate and/or warrant an answer, so I'll just move on.  

One of the words that they added was D'oh!  You know, a la Homer Simpson.  Yes, that D'oh!  "An exclamation used to comment on a foolish or stupid action, usually one's own."  Yes, yes, we know.  We know this because the Simpsons has been on the air for at LEAST twenty years!  They're just now getting around to adding this to their dictionary?! 

I guess I shouldn't complain that it took them so long to get D'oh in there.  Maybe if they had waited that long before adding "grrrl" then they would have seen the error of their ways.  How is grrrl a word?  It doesn't have any vowels!  And three Rs in a row doesn't work unless you're an angry dog.  (And that's OK because dogs don't know what vowels are.  They're doing the best that they can!)  It's pronounced like girl, only with a slight emphasis on the R part.  (I don't know how else to describe it, probably because it's just so asinine.)  It's defined as "A young woman regarded as independent and strong or aggressive, especially in her attitude toward men, or in her sexuality".  It's certainly not defined as a young woman with impeccable spelling prowess. 

"Guyliner" made it in.  Yes, that's eyeliner that is worn by men.  Why does that even get its own word?  Anything that is made for anyone can be used by someone else, but that doesn't mean that it gets its own name, does it?  So if I, as a chick, wear pants that are made for men, does that mean that I'm supposed to call them mants?  Sweet Jesus, I hope not.  I'm not gonna.  You can't make me! 

"Hater" is somehow new.  It's "A person who greatly dislikes a specific person or thing".  I don't see how that's just now getting in there.  Same goes for "La la land", a "fanciful state or dream world".  Hasn't that been around, like, forever?  I'm fairly certain that I've heard that phrase used at least my entire life.  (Whether or not it was ever directed at me is not the issue here.)

"Locavore" was one I hadn't heard before.  It's a person who eats only locally grown and/or produced food.  These people, if you get to know them or are forced to listen to them and their pretentious eating habits, are also commonly known as a-holes.  Good Lord, if you have an eating style that requires more than five seconds of explanation, I don't want to hear about it and neither does anyone else.  You might think that you're great for doing something that you think is great, but not everyone sees it that way.  No one is interested. 

"Obvs" is now in there.  It's short for "obvious".  This is complete crap. Same with "totes".  It's in there now and it's short for "totally". Like you can't say the entire word?  You're just such a busy, busy little hipster with many, many important things to do (like shopping for your locavore diet at the farmer's market) that you can't be bothered with the extra two syllables in the complete verbage?  This list is making me angry.  OK, fine, angrier.  Whatever.  (Or "whatevs".  That's in there too.  See how ridiculous that seems out in the wild?) 

After just going through these few that made it into the OED, I'm really glad that they didn't take the Scrabble Dictionary approach to this and just give hundreds of stupid non-words new found word status.  People say a lot of stupid things all the time.  I really don't want them to be legitimized by having them in the freaking dictionary.  I love dictionaries.  Don't make me hate them!

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