"Can you imagine what they would do to me if I told that joke that he just told?" - A one Bill Clinton, lamenting that just because he slept with that ONE intern (that we know about) the topic of women as joke material and/or fodder is off limits for him, but free game for anyone else. Hey, Bill! Just be glad no one knows about the others, all right? You wouldn't get to speak about anything if that got out! (Oh, but I kid! There's no "proof" that he was trading cigars with anyone else whilst he was President. Nope. None. Then again, there's no "proof" that his wife has a human soul, but..well, you see what I'm saying, right?)
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
And if you don't feel like you've had your share of people chained together trying to escape from custody, you're in luck because morons who get themselves arrested and try this stunt are abundant! (Apparently. Who knew?) Over there at TRUtv (via that link) they have a video of what they are billing as "The Worst Jail Break Ever" and I'd have to agree with them. Now those Crazy Canucks (they're attempting this feat in Ontario) that tried escaping in that instance had the full cast for a Three Stooges re-enactment. That's right. Not one. Not two. But three. Three morons! All chained together like Idiots on Display! Their nemesis? That tireless combatant of evil and defender of justice, The Pole!
After watching that video, it had me wondering if there was some sort of underground society of moronic criminals where they sit around (probably chained together) and give each other bad advice because the exact same thing happened to these three jokers as it did to the mates down there in New Zealand. Run, run, run. Spread out right before y'all reach the pole. Run your chain into the pole at full speed. Fly around the pole a bit before crashing into each other and falling to the ground. Ah, yes. An afternoon cartoon at its finest.
The cop that untangled them from each other (and the pole) said it best when he told them, "You also have the right to remain stupid." They apparently opted in. Enjoy prison, dumbasses. Be wary of any large metal objects firmly cemented into the ground, especially if you're running with another human being chained to you at the time.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
The Oaf of Office? What the hell is up with that?! Barry isn't the Oaf of Office! The Oaf of Office is going back to Crawford, Texas as soon as this ceremony is over! He's the Oaf! Oaf?! Oaf??!! It's Oath!! Oath!! (I am naturally reminded of the scene in The Muppet Movie where Kermit is telling Miss Piggy about something that is a myth. "Myth! Myth!" he shouts. That's when a waitress pops out of nowhere. "Yes?" Hilarious.)
It sounded like 'oaf'. It looked like 'oaf'. WTF, I think she said 'oaf'! Geez. Well, I'm glad that Barry was finally able to take the oath or oaf or whatever it was and is now our President. Can I just ask that the country be run a little smoother than the swearing in part? I don't need someone getting all confused and instead of saying "stimulus" they say "Depression". We don't need that sort of oaf in charge of getting things back on track around here.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
And here's today's tale of someone getting at least exactly what they deserved. Over yonder there in Moscow, a one 44-year old, drunken Alexander Kirilov was feeling the need for some lovin' in the midst of his drunken stupor. So, he did what no one would do and decided to rape a raccoon. Wait. What?
The Sun reports that "Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood." His mangled manhood. Wow. You don't want you manhood mangled. No, siree. You definitely do not want that. (Though "Mangled Manhood" would be a pretty good name for a band.) And according to "a pal", “He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off." No, you sure can't sew it back on, can you?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
- "If they found an intruder, they would swim back to the boat and alert the handler, who would place a strobe light on one of the dolphin’s noses. The dolphin would race back and bump the intruder’s back, knocking the light off. The light would float to the surface, marking the spot. The dolphin would swim back to the boat, join the handler, and they would clear out. Security guards would race to the strobe to subdue the intruder."
Oh, my God. What?!? Now hold on before you go getting all a-boggled as well. While stunningly fascinating, the sea lions dealio will really floor you. The sea lions:
They can DO that?!?! Really?! Since when? I want to see that! I want to see that now! I thought they were limited to that beach ball on the nose trick! (And quite frankly, that gets old after about the second time around. For me and for the sea lion, I would imagine.) I'd much rather see this!! Holy crap! Special cuffs. In their sea lion-y little mouths. Which clamp! Which they, the sea lion, clamp! Onto an intruder-y leg! Wow!
"The Navy likes the marine mammal option because the dolphins’ biosonar is better than any man has made and they’re best for covering ground in open water." The best as compared to what though? Large boats and ships that the US Navy uses? I'm not feeling quite so safe and secure as I was just about 20 minutes ago before I read this story. (Hey, I'm on a coast! It's relevant! Ah, who am I kidding? I have the attention span of a gnat. I'll forget all about this probably before I...hey! A quarter!)
As for the sea lions, well their "...sonar range isn’t as good, but they can see and hear better underwater and are better for shallower work around piers. They are reliable, available, less expensive". I'm glad that the US Navy checked to make sure that the sea lions were "available". That was considerate of them to not impose upon the daily routine of said sea lions. Very accommodating to have the sea lions check their schedule and see if they were busy or when they could squeeze in a little coastal protection duty for the Navy. I'm guessing it was probably between "swim on back while eating fish" and "lie on rock after eating fish". Boy, that's a busy day right there if you're a sea lion. And they are less expensive than say, oh, a person who might want to be paid for such a job. That's true! Sea lions almost never demand payment or sue you for back pay and wages. Rarely does that ever happen. Rarely.
So, seriously, where do I go to see the sea lion put the leg clamp on a bad guy? That's the coolest thing I've heard all year. I know it's only January, but it's going to be hard to top! The article says that there is a public comment period that runs until March 1, 2009. I'm thinking I might have to drop those folks a line and ask them where I can see this for myself. They'd have to admit that it's pretty amazing, don't you think? They'd understand why I feel the need to witness this myself. It's not classified or anything (though I'm wondering why in the world it isn't. You have these creatures that you've just plucked out of the ocean and put to work for the US Navy. That's not exactly something I'd think you'd want everyone to know...especially the evil doers. I guess it might not matter, though, because are the evil doers really going to believe it? Not until Flipper is hurling a beacon at his little dinghy would he start thinking that the United State and her mammals mean business!).
I think that I've heard of all of this before, but I don't know that I took it all too seriously. There are a lot of stories floating around out there that don't necessarily pan out into much. Lone gunman. Geometry. Lots of stuff. I guess I just figured this was one of those. Apparently not. I would still like to know when it was that we decided we were on such good terms with the ocean denizens that we could just put them to work for us. (We kind of tried that once before but in another capacity in this country. That didn't go so well.) And if I think about it, I guess I'm not surprised that the Navy would rather have the animals doing this stuff than humans. Humans are morons, so I'm kinda relieved they went with the water mammals instead. On the other hand, I am just fascinated by the fact that we can train these creatures to do this for us. And they do! I mean, I've gotta say, if it were me? I'm not so sure I'd be quite so willing. What's in it for me? Fish? Again? Hmmm. How much fish? Oh! Really? Huh. Lemme think about it. I'll get back to you.
Monday, January 26, 2009
But alas, if only the Internet could always come to the rescue and salvation of those who need it the most. If it could have, things might have been different for at least two lives out there. Well, they were lives. Not so much anymore. And it's a shame. But they would have been perfect for each other with a capital 'P'. Per-fec-to.