Monday, December 28, 2009

Top Ten Mug Shots of 2009

Since it's the end of the year, it's inevitable that there are going to be a bunch of lists. Being as how it's also the end of a decade (a decade which, after ten whole years, no one still knows what to call it) you're going to run into a lot of lists which try to cram the past ten years into a Top Ten or a Top Twenty or, in some inexplicable cases, a Top Nine. (What's with the nine? You couldn't come up with just one more for an even ten?) You're in luck here because I'm sticking to a nice round Top Ten and the time range is only going to be for the past year. What's that? The content of said list? Why, that would be Top Ten Mug Shots, of course.

First up we have a one Dale Lee (of Flori-Duh, naturally) who was arrested by the Pasco County Sheriff's Office on August 30, 2009 for aggravated battery and sale of marijuana. Yo, Dale! What say you take some of the money you're making on your weed sales and go find yourself a qualified dental professional to take care of those chiclets of yours there, all right? All right. Good Lord man, you're going to frighten small children walking around like that.

Next up is a one Tracy Tredway, the principal of an elementary school in Rochester, Indiana who, according to The Weekly Vice, was arrested for drunk driving after leaving a Halloween party. And while it's unfortunate that he was out driving around under the influence, it's more unfortunate that we aren't able to see his high heeled shoes and his wig that he was wearing with his floral print dress that he was driving around in at the time. Behold!

Nice. Nice touch. Good example for the kids, too! Sure.

As I'm sure you have already guessed from the content of this post, a lot of these folks will hail from Flori-duh. That's the case with Jason Vibber, seen here in his mugshot which accompanied the story over there at WFTV News of him getting arrested for burglarizing an apartment and getting caught wearing latex gloves and carrying a TV. According to the story, "Vibber's mug shot shows the suspect was visibly upset when arrested." There's only one thing that I dislike more than a thief and that's a thief that cries when he gets caught stealing someone else's stuff. Get a job, loser. And while you're at it, get a Kleenex.

Here we have the Bacon Bandit, a one Luann McKinnley (again from Florida, this time the small town of Stuart) who was caught stealing a 3-pound bag of bacon from her employer, a Perkins restaurant. Hey! Wasn't Perkins the same coffee house where one of Tiger Woods's hoes worked? I think it was! I wonder why this chick didn't just hook up with Tiger instead of stealing bacon?

Oh. That's why. Never mind. Carry on.

Speaking of Flori-duh, this one speaks for itself. Don't we all just adore the facial tattoos that people get? Sure! They're all completely upstanding citizens and probably all have above average IQs, right? Um, yeah, not so much I don't think. I don't know, maybe you should tell me. Here is a one 22-year old Sean Roberts and his Flori-duh facial tat. Behold!

Huh. A tattoo of Florida on his face as evidenced by his mug shot which was taken after he was arrested. I'm leaning toward moron with this guy. I mean, it's not even a good tattoo! And do you really want people to know the second that they look at you that you have an intense fondness for America's wackiest state with the lowest cumulative IQ? I don't know why you would, but apparently he did. (I have the feeling that "lowest cumulative IQ" factors in here somehow.)

I don't have a lot of information on the fellow below, but judging from his mugshot, I'm going to have to say that he was either working on one of the world's worst disguises or he was arrested exactly half way through becoming clean shaven. Behold!

I really don't know what else to say about that. Nor do I know what to say about the woman below. She looks awfully confused. I'm not sure if she's confused as to why she's under arrest, how she managed to get arrested or, the most likely, what in the hell happened to her eyebrows.

The chick below, well, I don't even know how she could have stayed awake long enough to commit her crime (which was, by the way, stealing and eating meat and cheese from a deli counter in Dayton, presumedly Ohio). According to WCPO, a one 50-year old (Good Lord! 50?!) Maria Magobet ordered meat and cheese from the deli counter and then walked out without paying for it. She must not have walked very far before chowing it down because when the cops caught up with her, she was still chewing! Maybe if she had better manners she wouldn't have drawn their attention because "officers say they saw bits of lunch meat on Magobet’s mouth and shirt." And I must say that I do believe them...mainly because you can still see crumbs on her mouth that were there when they took the picture for her mugshot!

Then there was Donald Earl Fite, III. Mr. Fite was arrested in Oregon and charged with first-degree aggravated animal abuse, fourth-degree assault and coercion. Those charges stemmed from, among other things, his becoming "angry and violent" when his ex-girlfriend (whom he wanted to get back together with) "...told Fite she had plans that night, and they didn't include him" according to The ex-girlfriend managed to flee and when she returned to her apartment, "...she found her fish in the middle of the floor with a knife through it." Upon his arrest, Fite told the officer that he had, in fact, impaled the fish and that he realized that it was a stupid thing to do. But he had a reason! He said that "If she can't have me, then she can't have the fish." Huh. I can't imagine why she broke up with him in the first place! It's a mystery all right!

And I'm going to wrap up this list with a one Henry Earl.

Oh, sure, his mugshot might not look like much on the surface. But when you hear of the milestone that ol' Mr. Earl reached this year with that very mugshot, then you'll understand. See, that mugshot marks the 1000th time that Mr. Earl was arrested. That's not a typo. Those are three zeroes. One. Thousand. Arrests. The only thing more surprising than that is that he was arrested all of those times in Kentucky and not in Flori-duh. Aim high, Mr. Earl. Aim high.

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