Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
I know that we have been seeing a lot of each other lately. And in the beginning, I really enjoyed your company. It was great! (Remember when I was in line for hours just to get a Wii? Ah, good times.) But lately, well, I feel that our relationship has deteriorated. It's as if you just don't care anymore. Oh, you say that you do. You offer me coupons and great deals on computers on occasion. You have that cheery yellow price tag logo, always cocked slightly askew, which used to make me smile whenever I saw it. But it's getting old and now I just cringe when I look in your direction. (Your mother's right you know. You should sit up straight. Why is that so hard for you?)
Look, Best Buy, this is what I'm driving at: We're done. It's over. I'm breaking up with you.
The only reason we ended up together is that I was on the rebound after my breakup with Circuit City. (God, that guy was lazy! And smug! SO smug. For no apparent reason, either.) And I started seeing you on the side while I was trying to break it off with CC. You were open later, you were much, much bigger (size IS important) and you had that whimsical air about you that I never had with CC. But I realize now that my rebounding from that relationship is what drove me to you in the first place. I should have waited before I became involved with you. I shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me. But I did.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to forgetful. While I do appreciate the apparent goodwill gesture in hiring the socially challenged, frankly, it's become tedious to have to deal with those who act as if I am interrupting their day by asking them a question. So much, in fact, that my questions have gone from product inquiries to the location of something in a store. Now I'm down to not much more than "What time is it?"
And I've never understood why you're so secretive, Best Buy. When new products are coming out, all I ever see on your website is "COMING SOON!" "SOON" is never well defined. "SOON" is never defined at all. I am supposed to guess or just find out when "SOON" is. And usually when I do, it turns out that "SOON" is "TOO LATE" by the time I catch on.
Best Buy, I'm tired of being treated like cattle when there's a massive product release, a la Playstation 3. Why, why, WHY do you find it necessary to have us all wait in the parking lot for DAYS ahead of time? See, in order for us to BUY the product from you, we need to have MONEY. The way that we GET the MONEY that we are more than willing to GIVE to you in exchange for the product is we go to WORK. We have found it very difficult to WORK when we are forced to sit in your parking lot for three days to ensure that we will actually get a product. Truth be told, you can only play volleyball with an inflated condom and 6 frat boys for just so long before it starts to get really old.
I'm tired of always looking for your things. You get things and then immediately lose them or forget where you put them. Today, the day I have looked forward to for weeks, is when Guitar Hero, the Aerosmith Edition was released. I did not feel the need to meet up with you at midnight, as you suggested that I could do, to claim my copy. I would prefer to be asleep at midnight. Instead I chose to show up this morning before you opened. Fortunately, the line outside was short. One of your minions who opened the doors announced something unintelligible before allowing us inside. (I would have asked those in front of me if they had heard what it was, but no one spoke English. That's one of the drawback to living in America; finding other English speaking individuals.)
An ambiguous line immediately formed. No one in the line knew what it was for, but it was a line and it was inside, so it must be good. I found one of your blue shirted, looking like they know what they're doing, staff members and inquired as to where the coveted game might be found. I was pointed in the direction of the bundles, even though I had specified JUST the game. (How many Fisher-Price-esque guitar controllers do you people really think I need? I'm already building an addition on my home in order to house all of the drum sets and guitars that come with these things. Compatibility, ACTIVISION, HARMONIX, SONY, RED OCTANE, NINTENDO, MICROSOFT. COMPATIBILITY!! Consumers cannot have a SEPARATE, full size drum set for EVERY game! Though we wouldn't mind some inflatable groupies, thank you very much.)
So I asked about just the GAME again. I feel as if I am ALWAYS repeating myself to you, Best Buy. Why can't you just listen the first time I say something? Your perplexed stares and intermittent blinking as if you were a confused doe are beginning to annoy me. How can you NOT know what I'm talking about? Guitar Hero games are HUGE sellers. Do you remember the Rock Band Bundle fiasco of December 2007? Oh, right! Puh-leeze! How can you NOT! I think you DO! Remember? You had no CLUE as to if your STORES were going to receive ANY at all. When I checked online, I was greeted with your rage-inducing, all too familiar "COMING SOON!" proclamation and I promptly twisted off and yelled at your stupid, stupid screen. (Fortunately, I won that fight. Because you're so inept, you had the shipping for the Rock Band Bundle priced as if it were just the game. I got that baby, 37 pounds worth, overnight for $11. Sucker!) WHY do your blue shirted minions not know where the game that was JUST RELEASED THAT DAY is?
After watching someone (someone deemed by you to be competent enough to perform that job) who was trying (in his own way, I believe) to locate the game on the website to see if it was actually a product that you, yes YOU, Best Buy, would actually carry, I told him that was unnecessary. You HAD to have them stocked. You've been taking pre-orders and pre-payments for MONTHS now. HOW could you not have any? Of course you couldn't NOT have any! So WHY didn't anyone know where in the hell they WERE?!?! It's just one more reason as to why our relationship doesn't work anymore, Best Buy. Your judgement is horrible.
Finally, someone gave a shout out to another blue shirted minion who said that I just need to go to the cashier and tell them I want it and THEY will get it for me. For Christ's sake. THAT was easier said than done. You are always complicating things, Best Buy. Everything is the long way around the block with you. What's with that? When I get to the cashier and explain that's what I need, again I'm greeting with the doe in the headlights look. At this point, I'm really starting to wish it was deer hunting season. He asks three people. Three people look clueless. (Your consistency with hiring the inept is remarkable, by the way. Too bad that consistency couldn't come out in more positive ways. If it could, I highly doubt I'd be breaking up with you.) Three rooms (each of which seemed to require the security of Fort Knox, as they were locked and only one, large, intimidating bald man named "Mac" had the key) were looked in. Just like a game show, it was behind Door Number Three. (Why the other two were locked, I don't know.) Finally. Here's my money. Can I go now? Of course not.
Best Buy, why does cash perplex you so? It's as if you have never seen an actual piece of US currency ever. I'm giving up on trying to throw in correct amounts of change that will alleviate my receiving any pennies in return. Even though there is a cash register RIGHT THERE which WILL DO all of the math FOR YOU, you will STILL always look at me like I am nuts. You furrow your brow and you tilt your head and you squint your eyes a bit and you look at the screen again. Then you look back at the seemingly ridiculous combination of bills and coins that I have given you. Then back to the screen. You repeat this at least three times. By the third time, I can see your anxiety level rising, as if you're not sure how to break it to ME that I'M a moron. But that look disappears and a wave of relief washes over your face when the amount of change you are to give me pops up on the monitor as a whole and rational number. Meanwhile, I've just been smiling stupidly at you for the last thirty seconds as you work your way through this live version of the math section on the SAT. You hand me my change and a receipt that is longer than my arm even though I only bought ONE video game. That's another reason we're through. You're wasteful and inane. Why do I need a receipt that is two feet long?
So we're done. Over. Through. Kaput. Finito. I don't care about your cheery yellow tag logo. (It's starting to seem kinda gay, anyway.) You don't learn from your mistakes. You repeat the same disasterous fiasco over and over and over again. I can practically guarantee that a new release of anything will be handled poorly by you. I have told you this time and time again. And every time I have told you, you always respond with the same automatically generated response expressing fake concern to try and appease me in the hope that I'll pipe down. Eventually. But even though you say I'm important to you, you don't change. I can no longer have any hope that you will ever change. Also, despite what your name says, you really aren't the "BEST BUY" out there. Oh, you're better than that smug loser CC, I'll give you that. But you're still way too full of yourself. You're not the BEST and you're certainly not the best for me. And don't call me or send me your cute little coupons. I have resigned myself to the fact I'll likely bump into you every Sunday as I go through the newspaper. And I'm sure that your shining mug will be all I see during the holiday season. That will be tough. Some of our best (and most expensive) times have been over Christmas. But it's just not worth it. You're incompetent, ungrateful and refuse to learn from past mistakes. You're on your own, BB.
PS Just so you know, I've decided that I'm not going to see anyone for a while. I'm going to take my time before settling down again. I might even see a few different places at the same time. I don't need to commit myself to just one right away. Especially since this break up with you has dragged on for way too long and has actually been a little painful. A LITTLE. Not a LOT. A LITTLE! (God, you're such an ass! Always reading more into it than there is.) But I'm sure I'll find someone someday. And if I take my time, I'm more likely to find the one that's right for me. Maybe you and CC can go shed a tear in your beer up there on barstool mountain together. But don't bother looking around for me when you come down. I'll have already moved on. FINALLY.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Correct. Ayveq, the 14-year old masturbating walrus at the New York Aquarium has died, most likely of a "massive bacterial infection", according to someone who knows a thing or two about walruses (and probably a little more about bacterial infections), I would guess. According to The Brooklyn Paper, Ayveq was well-liked (mostly by himself, apparently) even before he began demonstrating the "habit that would make him a star." Yep. Walrus porn. A diddlin' walrus. Hot stuff over there in Brooklyn. The Paper also said that his "frequent
(By the way, The Brooklyn Paper is one of only a couple of news outlets that reported on this story that told it like it was. There were some instances of this story without a single mention of masturbation, self gratification or even walrus wanker. So thanks a lot, Brooklyn Paper guys, for giving all of us the truth about large aquatic mammals that frequently pleasure themselves in front of onlookers. If it weren't for you guys, I may have completely overlooked this story that just tugs at heartstrings. And tugs at a few other things as well).
- a) Give up on the whole nativity scene idea altogether, pack it up and store it in the shed,
- b) Have the garden gnome be BabyJesus
- c) Have your son be BabyJesus
Friday, June 27, 2008
No, from now on, those searching for this topic (even though I have no idea as to why) will no longer be disappointed. Now they will have facts and dates and photos and commentary to ooh and aah over. And I'm hoping that if you found this blog because you were searching for info on the cigarette smoking world record(s), that you will tell me why you need to know this. And it's not just you, it's a fair amount of folks that have a craving for this subject. I just want to know why that is. Help me out here. It's the least you can do. (Well, that and link something to this blog. And tell everyone you know. And come back and read it once in a while yourself. It's the least you can do.)
Thursday, June 26, 2008
- Startseite (OK, if it were in Spanish, this would be the Start Seven. Since it's in German, it's the Start Something.)
- Shop (Loosely translated, this means "shop".)
- Kondom-Beratung (Again, loosely translated, I think it's something like "Condom Beating".)
- Preishits (No comment. Don't want to know.)
- Hilfe (This looks like it could be the name of a large woman from the East German Army who tests out the condoms in some back room where no one else ventures.)
- Kontakt (I'm going with "contact" on this one. I don't' know if that means "Contact/Email us" or "In order to use a condom, I am going to need someone for which my penis will be allowed to contact. Please help me." It's probably either one.
In the Condom Beating category, I find a wide variety of goods and services for the penis and those who own the penis. We find:
- Risk: Wrong Size Condom
- Penis Sizes: This is Normal (yeah, um, nice try, but they're not ALL normal!)
- Testimonial: We report your positive experiences. (Come on! How many tools out there are writing these guys an email that says, "Yahoo! (Or Google! Or Ask!) I had sex! And all because of your Kondom-Gluben!")
- Condom Diversity (Billed as "an overview of the colorful world of condoms". Yes, that is the picture that accompanied it. No, I can't go there right now.)
- About Dr. Vinico
WTF? Um, that's a cartoon. Cartoons, to my knowledge, don't HAVE a penis. They don't NEED a penis, they're a cartoon. (OK, Fred might need a penis when he's doing Daphne in the back of the Mystery Machine while Shaggy gets stoned somewhere and Velma whines to Scooby that she can't find her glasses. But other than that, I don't think that's there's much need for the animated penis genre of cartoon character out there.) I don't know that even if I had a penis that I would be trusting a cartoon to direct me to the specific kind of latex goodness from which to wrap it in so that I may make sweet, sweet love to the hot chick that I just picked up in the bar. (OK, fine! I admit it! It WAS Velma! It's just that she just looked so vulnerable without those glasses. And that wide, thick, turtleneck sweater that she always wears, even in the summer! Come on! How can one resist that, especially when coupled with that skirt and those knee high socks?! What? Oh, right. I don't even have a penis. Never mind.) But I digress.
It continues with: "The core of the new advisory approach is the Dr. Vinico Condom Guide, with the penis size as the central decision-making criteria in the selection looks condom. With the Condom Guide, a measure to strip the provision includes penis size, every man and every woman a favorite condom in six steps.They play alongside the size, shape, thickness, surface and the aroma & Color plays an important role. " Well, they certainly seem to have thought of everything there. Size, shape, thickness, surface, aroma and color. They would seem to be in descending order of greatest importance to "Who cares?! I want to have sex!"
So all of the measuring, all of the studies, all of the products, they're all the result of the brainstorming of a cartoon doc? Who may or may not be German?! Are you kidding me? This topic will clearly need to be delved into further.
When checking out the Condom Guide, I was taken to a page with this header:
Then the fine cartoon doctor concludes his section with a garbled German to English translation that seems to mean well and convey good wishes when it says: "Dr. Vinico has set itself the task of the right for each condom. With the advisory approach would like Dr. Vinico show that sex with the right condom much fun and the prevention with rubber and liebestötend not uncool to be the case. "
Ah, yes. So, remember, with the right condom, you too, can have much fun while at the same time having prevention with rubber! And as always, there will be no need to think about your liebestötend not being cool, if that's the case! Enjoy your sex! Oh, and Fahrvergnügen to you too!