Friday, February 29, 2008

If It's Below The Waist, It's News In The UK


Here coms The Sun! As in "The Sun" some media publication in the UK that claims it publishes the news in print, online and even on your cell phone (Your mo-bile, if you're in the UK.). I have come to realize that in the UK, if something happens that involves anything below the waist, it's news and must be printed immediately for all to wonder about.


That's the only explanation I have for The Sun informing me and it's other readers that Steven Marshall, 18, tried to have SEX with the PAVEMENT on a busy street, but claimed it was a drunken prank (like that's going to make it more understandable?). I believe I speak for myself and all of the other readers (including the three reading this) when I say, "WTF?" That will be followed by "How?" , "Why?" , "Are you sure?" and finally "WTF?"

The Sun reports (and I use that term loosely), "Motorists looked on in shock as (he) hauled down his trousers and started to simulate sex on the floor." Motorists aren't the only ones who would be surprised by this. I'm not motoring at the moment and I'm amazed.

And, as seems to be the case with stories like these, the reporting agency feels the need to throw in information that appears to be just that. Information. It doesn't seem to have any real bearing to the story being told. That's why we're told, "Marshall — drinking while taking pills for arthritis — also carried out a vile sex act in front of a horrified female taxi driver in Galashiels, Selkirkshire."

Do I care about his arthritic condition? Not so much. And considering he was trying to have sex with the pavement, those pills he's on seem to be working wonders. Dare I say, he's cured! But I am wondering what constitutes a "vile sex act" considering this guy was just boinking the concrete a couple of sentences ago.

But here is the most unnecessary statement you will hear all day: The Sheriff commented: “This was bizarre." Yeah, I kind of came to that conclusion a couple of nanoseconds after I finished reading "sex with the pavement". I'm kinda bright that way, but thanks for tryin', Sheriff.

He continued with, " Anyone who lies on the road in the daylight, is significantly intoxicated and is partially undressed has a problem.” Does it have to be all three together? Is he saying that those three ingredients right there are the makings of a Bizarro Pie? But if there's only one of those things, eh, maybe not so much?

And OF COURSE, there is NO mention of what the "vile sex act" in front of the "horrified" female cabbie in Unpronouncable, United Kingdom was. Information we don't need is thrown in. Information we're dyin' for is left out. I speculate that the "sex act" was so "vile" that it made "sex with the pavement" not quite so shocking. In which case, maybe I don't want to know. Thanks, Sun guys.

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Old McDonald Didn't Have This.

Reuters, the news service guys, have this feature on their website called "Best of the Week in Pictures". It's a slideshow of about 30 user submitted pictures. Each picture has a caption that describes what the picture is, where it is, etc. And all this is fine and is a wonderful little addition to their site. What's surprising is that even with a picture and a caption, that seemingly foolproof formula can still leave the viewer confused. And with no where to turn for answers. Here's what we're talking about:


Here's the caption that really creates more questions than it does answers: "A vendor holds a chick as he waits for customers outside a market in Karachi, Pakistan, February 1, 2008."

What?

OK, I haven't been to Pakistan lately (never), but I do remember singing "Old McDonald Had A Farm" when I was younger and there was NOTHING about Old McDonald having pink, green, orange and tie-dyed chicks! Those are baby chickens! Pink and green baby chickens!! Why are they these colors? I don't know either! And there's no one I can ask!

I mean, it's not like the vendor was on "Maury" or anything. That would have been a missing piece to the puzzle that would have fit.. It wouldn't have cleared up everything, but it could've explained a few things. You know, even if there was only ONE multi-colored chick, it would make more sense. But there appears to be a considerable amount of multi-colored chicks over the number of ONE multi-colored chick.

Apparently, in order to put an end to whatever this is, there needs to be some sort of barnyard animal rule book or something. Rule One: Chicks? Always yellow.

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Thursday, February 28, 2008

Kentucky - We're South Enoughly

While Kentucky might not be able to be completely geographically classified as being "in the south", when you do things like this, you're close enough.

This from the website of the Courier-Journal in Louisville, KY. For some reason, their website refers to the Louisville area as "Kentuckiana." A Kentucky and Indiana hybrid, I presume. (It's either that or Kentucky and Princess Diana and that doesn't make a lot of sense.) So, are we down to 49 states now? Why are we condensing America? What's next? Arkansee? Floribama? Louisippi? Where will it end? Never mind about where? How about WHEN? Here's the headline from Kentuckiana:

Clouds made yesterday meant chill stuck aroundly


You don't believe me? What? Because it makes NO sense?! Here's the link, you can see for yourself:




First question: Who is making these clouds? Next: WTF is "aroundly"? I can guess it's possibly another hybrid word that they appear to be fond of over there, but there's too many words that end in -ly to choose from. Stupid-ly. Careless-ly. Dumbass-ly. Way too many.

This oh-so-informed forecast states in the article: "Instead, the temperature peaked at 36 and the area was given a light dusting of snow on grassy areas, although streets remained generally clear"

It's the "although streets remained generally clear" that struck me as unnecessary. Look, they just got done saying that there was a light dusting of snow "on grassy areas". Presumably, the "streets" in Kentuckiana are not "grassy areas", thus they would remain "generally clear". It seems like a given. But just from the headline alone you really have to wonder what you're being given to start with.

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BFS + HDD = WTF

This is one of those stories that starts out with you feeling one way about it and ends up with you feeling an entirely different way about it. I would be referring to the story out of Australia entitled: "Snake Eats Family Dog As Kids Watch". And if you were wondering, yes, "Holy Shiite!" (or some derivation thereof) is an absolutely appropriate response to utter/shriek after reading that.

Now, although as the story goes on, while it remains unpleasant, it's not quite as bad as when it started. Strangely, it takes an odd turn. Or two. Apparently, the 16 foot python (hereafter referred to as the BFS, Big Fat Snake) "stalked the family's dog for days before swallowing the pet whole in front of horrified children in the Australian tropics, animal experts said Wednesday."

While I suppose I appreciate the fact that the "animal experts" were called in to deal with this, I'm thinking most non-animal experts could have made the same summation, considering that the BFS ATE the DOG! It's not a situation that it particularly difficult for a layperson to identify (often on the first try!).

The story continues with, "The family that owned the dog had actually seen it in the dog's bed, which was a sign it was out to get it." A fairly obvious sign, I would think. That's a sign that would be flashing a big warning message that says, "If you put your dog in it's bed, it will be eaten by a BFS." It's also sign that would indicate to me, "I've gotta get that BFS the hell out of here. Now! Actually, screw the BFS! I'm outta here."

"They should have called me then," See? I told you so! "...but (the BFS) got away and three or four days later, I was called and went around and removed it" after the dog had been killed," said the owner of a zoo in Australia. Huh. In Australia, they call the zoo owner to remove 16-foot pythons from their dog's bed after the BFS has eaten the dog? That seems like a rather broad and all encompassing job description there for the guy who owns the zoo.

"By the time the zoo guy arrived, the dog's hind legs and tail were all that could be seen." Now we've got hind legs and tail (which is attached to the "hind")....yeah, that's still quite a bit of dog that is visible on the OUTSIDE of the BFS.

So what would you do? Well, if you're anything at all like the woman who was there, you're going to think it's a good idea to throw some plastic chairs at the BFS with half a dog sticking out of it! And where is Australia? In the South. That is correct.

Now, when the zoo manager was asked about this (presumably, the zoo owner was pretty tired from removing the BFS from the chow hall and wasn't up to taking more questions), he explained that, "Removing the half-swallowed dog could have harmed or even killed the python, because dogs have sharp teeth and claws that could do the snake internal damage if it were wrenched out." I am unfamiliar with the term "wrenched out" when it is used in the context of removing a DOG from a BFS. I don't know what that means. I can't imagine it would involve a real wrench, but maybe. Really though, why is removing the dog even an option at this point? I don't get it. He ATE the dog! But also, why are they worried so much about the BFS?! It ATE the dog! Who the hell cares?!

He also added that "the snake was still digesting the dog at the zoo at the moment and will soon be relocated to the bush." WHAT?!!? Just let it go? If you're going to do that, why do you have to have it at the zoo AT ALL? Why not just leave it be? That makes no sense to me. But it's really not the only thing that doesn't make sense. No, THIS makes less sense: (For the record, had they STOPPED taking pictures and thrown a few more plastic chairs, perhaps they could have done more to save their dog. Who takes pictures at a time like this?! Why weren't they busy freaking out or passing out?! Oh, right, they were trying to figure out if they needed a flash.)

Behold! Pictures of the BFS and the HDD (Half Digested Dog)! (Here's your warning! They're very clear pictures of just what it says they are.)





Python Eating DogSnake Eating Dog

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Crime Where? In The South

This will pretty much speak for itself. Oh, you will have questions! At LEAST two. The only logical answer will be "it's in the south." You'll see.

Today's look at what happens when there's too much chlorine in the gene pools takes us to Memphis, Tennessee. And, just in case you missed it, Memphis is in the south.

A person was approached by two other individuals, one of whom shot him, while he was pumping gas at a Memphis filling station on Monday. After the shooting, of course, the suspects fled. From what I can tell, criminals in the south are fine up to this point. It's after the fleeing ensues that they become confused, occasionally disoriented and come up with less than brilliant plans that they honestly believe will aid in their escape.

They were pulled over after running a red light (shocker), so they jumped out of the car and fled on foot. They haven't been apprehended yet. I'm assuming the police are either still putting up that yellow tape somewhere or are actively searching through all dirt and leaves in the vicinity of the crime.

But this time was different. Oh, yes. See, this time, they have the names of the individuals. That's why right now, they're on the lookout for suspects "Butter Roll" and "Corn Roll." (And I am looking for a wall to bang my head against.)

How in the hell do they know that? Obviously, if someone knows that the two individuals were named BUTTER ROLL and CORN ROLL, you're going to have to assume they have a LITTLE more information than just THAT. You don't just KNOW that someone is named CORN ROLL, for cryin' out loud! You don't even WANT to know that someone is named CORN ROLL, for cryin' out loud! Cough it up! Where are the Rolls?! Both Corn AND Butter!!! We know you know! We have ways of making you talk!!! (We just don't have ways of making this go away.)

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I Don't Want ONE Use, Let Alone Dual

How many different products would you say are for sale right this very minute? Anywhere, it doesn't matter. Bazillions, right? Maybe, dare I say, gazillions? Whatever the made up number, it's a hell of a lot. And it's probably safe to say that we could really do without a fair portion of those gazillions. I know it's very safe to say that we could really do without TWO of those gazillions. These two:

Behold! The SpongeBob Squarepants Dual Use, Underarm and Rectal Thermometer:


You cannot tell me that this would EVER be necessary! It plays the freaking SpongeBob theme song, presumably upon insertion! Whose idea was this?! Who has bought this?! And "dual use"?! WTF?! Oh, but thank God the readout is in Celsius AND Fahrenheit. So if you're ever in Europe with a cartoon theme song emitting from your ass, you'll know exactly what temperature it is when that happens. (I'll tell you what, the temperature over here would have to be a cold day in freaking hell!)

Unfortunately, there's more. Behold (again)! The Mickey Mouse Vibrator:

















Some dude in Japan (hence, the thatch mat display base there?) had this for sale on eBay. I really don't know where to start. Or finish. Actually, I'm kind of afraid that saying anything might evoke some sort of discussion or further conversation about this. And that wouldn't be good. For anyone.

They're right, though. You'll find it on eBay. But I wish that you couldn't.

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Ben Affleck & Matt Damon in Good Will Humping

Sometimes people think that it would be great to be famous. While I'm sure that the money is good, I don't know that the fame itself is all that desirable. Paparazzi following you around 24/7 when you're not wearing underwear (which, incidentally, is also 24/7 in some cases), all of your sex tapes freely making their way across the Internet. In a lot of cases, you would really lose the majority of privacy for anything below your waist (and the waist of others) in exchange for your fame.

But there are some perks that would definitely make it worth it. Like making a music video with a ton of other famous people to tell your girlfriend that you're F-ing Ben Affleck. It's really not as malicious as it may sound. After all, when your girlfriend makes you a video that tells you that she's F-ing Matt Damon, it really makes much more sense.

In case you live under a rock (and oddly enough, apparently under a rock with an Internet connection if you're reading this), I'm clearly talking about Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. Apparently, two people who most of America cannot stand for more than a good hour at a time, have been dating each other for FIVE years! I had no clue. Good for them. It's probably things like this that keep that ol' spark goin'. Anyway, Silverman presented Kimmel with a musical video which let Kimmel know that she was, in fact, F-ing Matt Damon. She even had Damon help her with this most excellent and hilarious project.

Behold! She's F-ing Matt Damon.





Last night after the Oscars, Kimmel aired his own video in response (read: revenge). And what better form of revenge than to tell someone who is F-ing Matt Damon that you are, in fact, F-ing his best man-crush buddy, Ben Affleck.

If that isn't enough, there are at least 12 other very well known individuals that participated in this excellent and very original, short, musical production. That's the perk of being famous. Get all of your famous buddies together to join in singing a song that says the F-word no less than 57 times. And make a great video while you're at it to play on your late night talk show after the freaking Oscar awards. This is definitely an appeal factor that probably makes the whole everyone-knows-I-don't-wear-underwear issues seem minor. Or at least tolerable. (It's not bad enough to make some actually go put on some underwear, I know that. I read People!)

And it's all set to a melody that will be in your head for days. (And you're really going to have to pay attention to yourself because it will just come flying out of your mouth at the most inopportune moments. You'll be at the grocery store with the song in a loop in your head and the checker will ask you how you are and you'll blurt out, "I'm F-ing Ben Affleck." And while they will be thrilled for you on some level, you will only see their shock and dismay. It's not good for anyone really. So just pay attention is what I'm saying.)

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Willy or Wont He?

Again with Sweden. But this time with a castrated lion and some very upset members of a Nordic Battlegroup. None of which we've had before. Thank God.

I will say that "The Local, Sweden's News In English", rivals the New York Post ("America's Gossip With a Little Bit of News Thrown In, in English and Probably Sometimes Spanish") with some of their headlines, although not quite so subtle. No, The Local is the polar opposite of "subtle". Here's what I mean:

"Heraldists want penis reinstated on military badge."

Nothing subtle about that. Unfortunately, we do need some more details in order to grasp what those wacky Swedes are up to now.

For the details, we're going to have to back to a previous article in The Local entitled, "Army Castrates Heraldic Lion." (They do not disappoint, do they?) This is all in reference to an image of a lion that appears on the Swedish Military uniform. (It kind of looks like the lion on the Peugeot logo.) Apparently, the Army agreed to "emasculate the lion after a group of women from the rapid reaction force lodged a complaint." The guy who originally drew the lion and...that, was not pleased.

Does the US have a "rapid reaction force"? I don't think that we do because we don't know what it is. Or maybe it's because if you've got a bunch of pissed off women, you're going to have a "rapid reaction force" whether you like it or not. There's no need to formally name it.


"A heraldic lion is a powerful and stately figure with its genitalia intact and I cannot approve an edited image," said the guy who drew the lion. Intact? (He makes it sound like it's broken, but it's more like broken off.) Regardless, I'm going to have to disagree with that statement. You can have a DRAWING of a lion without a DRAWN ON unit and still have it be a "powerful and stately" DRAWING.


He continued with, "The army lacks knowledge about heraldry. Once upon a time coats of arms containing lions without genitalia were given to those who betrayed the Crown," said the guy who drew the lion.

It's really not the "heraldry" that there is a lack of knowledge about. I think the lack of knowledge is in not knowing just how upset some guy who DREW a penis on a lion would be if they took it off. That's where I'd say that they fell a little short. And I find it odd that if you betrayed "the Crown" you received a castrated lion coat of arms for your troubles. I can't imagine that was an effective deterrent against betraying "the Crown". ("Bugsy? Mo? Are yas with me? Should we betray the Crown?" "Aaahhhh, If we do, Louie, we'll get that penisless lion drawing!" "Great Scot! You're right! We will not betray the Crown! We want our big cat drawing fully intact, penis and all!")

According to The Local in English, "The castrated lion has already won the day and is now worn on the arms of all soldiers in the battle group's Swedish battalions." And they're still able to do their jobs?! Incredible! So far, aside from the guy who drew the lion, this seems to have affected no one except for possibly the lion and he's not real!

And if you're of the curious nature, as I'm sure you are, you're going to want to technical explanation as to how said drawing-of-a-lion-castration occured. This explanation from the Army's "tradition commission": "We were given the task of making sure the willy disappeared. We were forced to cut the lion's willy off with the aid of a computer." Apparently, one of the traditions over there in the "tradition commission" (aside from the removing drawn on feline penises from the military's insignia) is to use very technical military terms such as "willy". Apparently another tradition is to even address ridiculous issues such as this one in the first place.

But let's look at the insignia for a moment, shall we? I, for one, am confused. Where does it start and where does it end? Or where is the end? (It's end? I don't know.) It shouldn't have TWO ends, should it? Do Sweden's Penises In English have two separate and seemingly independent ends? I haven't heard anything about that.

And I'm sorry, but penis or not, a lion sticking out his long, red tongue and holding a leafy branch with his fingernails and toenails painted red is hardly the epitome of masculinity. No, it's like "Follow me to Gay Pride! I'm the Grand Marshal of the Parade!"

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Monday, February 25, 2008

The Huckster

Mike Huckabee, named one of My Favorite People of 2007, might not be much of a "math guy", but dang, that guy has a sense of humor. (Another thing he apparently has in some sort of an "in" over yonder at NBC. What other Presidential wanna-be can weasel their way into a SNL skit? AND pull it off?





I'm with you, Mike. Screw mathematical impossibility. Go get 'em, Huckster.




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Sunday, February 24, 2008

Spray Away


I know that I've kind of become a big fan of Europe (especially Sweden) lately. Well, I might become a big fan of Australia as well. Or at least their news. Here's why:

This from the fine folks over yonder at news.au.com: "A would-be robber armed with a sword was repelled by fly spray in a bungled raid on a milk bar in Melbourne's west last night."

(I know! I was expecting the techno-geek S&M crowd of Silicon Valley to be involved as well!)

From that sentence, I have come to the following conclusions:
  • Australian criminals seem to have an affinity for weapons usually wielded only by pirates.
  • Fly spray is seen as a weapon of equal might when pitted against a sword.
  • Milk is enjoyed by so many in Australia that it warrants an establishment dedicated to the bovine beverage.
  • The oh-so-subtle usage of the word "raid" puts news.au.com right up there with Sweden's News In English. Nice touch.
Now, if you had asked me before I read this story about my impression of Australia, I would have given MUCH different answers than those above. "The land of koalas!" "Home to those crocodile guys (Dundee and Hunter)!" "Maybe Nicole Kidman, but I'm not sure!" Clearly, I was disillusioned. And about more than just Nicole Kidman.

"The man pulled a balaclava over his head as he entered the shop in Somerville Road, Kingsville, shortly before 8pm, police said. "


Isn't that a Greek dessert? Oh, wait, that's baklava. Never mind. What's a balaclava? Well, according to Wikipedia,it's pronounced like this: ˌbæləˈklɑːvə/ Oh, THANKS, Wikipedia guys! THAT helps me! Yes, I'm very familiar with the hybrid "a-e" combo, the miniature "a" and the upside down "e" and the pronunciation of such...IN ENGLISH! Who does that help?! Just for that, I'm going back to pronouncing it like baklava.


Bottom line: It's a ski mask. I don't know why they can't just say that. Why does everything have to be so complicated? Things don't have to be some made up word or consist of Latin initials for things that have real names! So I've heard. :)

"The bandit demanded cash but the shop assistant refused, instead turning a can of fly spray on him and forcing him to flee empty-handed. "

Does empty handed mean without the sword too? Regardless, nice improvisation there, Mr. Milk Bartender Man. The fact that the can of fly spray was so readily available at the milk bar is a little concerning. What concerns me a bit more is that there actually is a milk bar to begin with. I just can't picture watching sports on a big screen TV at a milk bar for some reason. Cartoons? Yes. Sports? Not so much. I'm also picturing those little milking stools instead of barstools, which is very odd.

If you think about it, really, anything that you spray out of a can would be an effective deterrent against an attacker. Hair spray, deodorant, WD-40. All would produce extreme discomfort when sprayed into one's face. I'm just saying that it wouldn't have to be just mace. (Oh, but those mace manufacturers would like you to think that it does. Wait until the world gets wind of the "fly-spray-as-an-attacker-repellent"! That'll show 'em.)

Really, the only exception to "anything you spray out of a can" would be that cheese goo stuff. That really wouldn't do much, I don't think. And what if his weapon was that loaf of assault bread from England?! Then you'd just be making him lunch. Or a light snack.

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Shoplifting Where? In the South.

Some guy in Florida was shoplifting and the cops were called. And I'm sure that it would have turned out just like many other incidents of that nature if the guy hadn't assaulted a police dog. Or removed all of his clothing. I swear.

The guy sees the cops coming to the store where he was stealing from, so he jumps in his car and off he goes. He then crashes his "green Hyundai" (why that is important I really don't know) and takes off into the woods. The police, rather than chase, set up some sort of colored tape barrier which seemingly prevents no one, really, from going underneath and over it at all times. (The police tape isn't really so much of a barrier as much as it is the beginnings of an obstacle course. And the ones that say 'CAUTION' in big ol' letters? Does anyone actually utilize any 'caution' before stepping over it? "Careful! Look both ways before crossing the tape!" I mean, caution from what?! ) After the tape was secure and all had been cautioned, they released the hounds!

Police hound Titan finds the guy, David Clark, naked and covered with "dirt and leaves" trying to conceal himself. Huh?? Why can't you cover yourself AND your clothing with "dirt and leaves" when trying to conceal yourself? Oh, NO! It's much better idea to remove ALL of your clothes FIRST, THEN put on the dirt and leaves! Who does this? (And how much dirt and how many leaves are we talking, exactly? Never mind. It won't help.)

When trying to hide from something or someone, why would taking off your clothes first (or at all) , ever be an option? I can't think of one single circumstance, including this one, where if it were me running from the cops, I'd think, "They're closing in! Better strip!"

So when the dog finds him, he has another brilliant idea and punches the dog. What the hell is wrong with this guy?! But that didn't work (I mean, the dog was still there), so the naked dog puncher grabs poor Titan by his ears and twists. Um, dude, his head is attached! You can't use it as a disguise or anything! The dog is already using it.....for his head! (Besides, you have dirt and leaves.) He finally let go of the dog after a deputy whacked him in the thigh with a baton. Then they arrested him. They should've shot him.

I know it will come as a huge surprise to learn that there were drugs in the guy's car. Also in the vehicle were twelve packs of Mountain Dew, a pair of Hager pants and two Panama Jack hats. The pants and the hats are what had been shoplifted earlier, setting off this fiasco.

So, wait. This guy starts out with pants. THEN, he steals MORE pants! Now he is in possession of at least TWO pairs of pants. (And that is one pair more than most people who start off their day wearing pants end up with!) But yet he still ends up naked! AND covered in dirt and leaves, both of which are highly ineffective as a substitute for a pair of pants! Yeah, they definitely should have shot him.

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Saturday, February 23, 2008

Speaking of a Little Bit Of Everything

Just had to throw this in real quick:

So, I'm flipping through channels with the on-screen guide and I see that Oprah's coming on. As a fan of the Oprah, I hit 'Info' to see what Her O-ness will be discussing today. This is the title:

"Raising Sextuplets and Twins, PLUS Sean Combs and TV Legend Phylicia Rashad".

Huh?!? How do ANY of those things go together!? Puff Daddy! Mrs. Huxtable! Six kids that shared the same womb! And their twin sisters! Right now! All together! ON Oprah! Stay tuned! Call a friend! Just do everything at the same time!

All three of those things are easily their own show in and of themselves. But Oprah's cramming them all into one fun, very cramped and fact-filled hour. Why? I don't get it. Explanations are welcomed.

There's a whole lot of this 'little bit of everything' going around, I'll tell you what.

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A Little Bit Of Everything

Geez. How's this for the first sentence is an article that was in yesterday's SF Chronicle: "Hans Reiser's father testified at his son's murder trial Wednesday that he warned his son that the Russian mafia or people associated with sadomasochism might follow the computer programmer if he upset anyone over his relationship with his estranged wife." Holy crap, there's enough right there to save the entire TV season if there's ever another writer's strike.

Here's the scoop: Hans Reiser is on trial for killing his estranged wife, Nina. Ol' Hans there is a little odd and, judging from the above example, I'd have to say the apple doesn't fall far from the ol' tree. BUT, "the defense has maintained that while Hans Reiser may come across as strange and socially inept, that doesn't mean that he killed his estranged wife, Nina." That's correct. It's doesn't necessarily mean that. But it is likely. I'm just sayin'.

The defense (Hans) has suggested that Nina is alive but, see, she's hiding in Russia because her family has had ties to the former KGB. (Now, isn't the KGB IN Russia? But she went there to hide? Well, isn't she just a tricky little wench.) They appear to have nothing to back that up and would appreciate it if everyone would just take their word for it.

But let's talk about the Dad for a second , since he was testifying. The Dad is a Vietnam Vet, a mathematician and capable of doing several one-armed push-ups in the courtroom when the jury wasn't there. As he did. Hmmm. Dad testified that he had warned his son that "if he antagonized anyone over his relationship with his wife (I really have NO idea what that means), he might be surveilled by people associated with the (pay attention here, it gets good) former KGB, "Russian mafia groups in California" - or, more likely, "the techno-geek S&M crowd."

OK, there are a lot of things going on in Silicon Valley. A "techno-geek S&M crowd" is not of them. And it certainly isn't the "most likely" explanation. For ANYTHING. And I was not the only one (for once) who thought this was a strange answer. That was demonstrated by the attorney's response.

"What?"

(See, not only was the attorney thinking along the same lines as I was, he almost phrased it the same way I did. Only he left off the T and the F.) But that just made the guy think that he wasn't clear or that the attorney hadn't heard him, so he kept trying to explain. (This just goes to show why the T and the F are important. With those included, they know you heard 'em.)

He tried to continue with, "Those who are highly sophisticated in technology who are into S&M, part of Nina's...." And that's where he was mercifully cut off by someone yelling, "Objection!" I don't even think the judge cared who objected at that point, even if it was the bailiff. ("Sustained!") So, he then apologized for his meandering responses, saying he had been hit by a bus 10 years ago. (The T and the F! Someone get the T and the F!)

The prosecution is saying that Hans used his Mom's car to move his wife's body and had removed the front passenger seat. The defense is saying that Hans was sleeping in the car and threw the seat away to make it more comfortable. Uh-huh. Would you care to back that up some how? Oh, of course you would.

The defense attorney asked the Dad if he had ever driven a car without a seat and of course he had. Many times. In a variety of different vehicles. Shocker. "We do it in our family routinely," he said. "We don't repair old cars. We drive it until they fall apart. We do not put new seats in it." He described the many cars he has had and driven - including a 1956 Volkswagen Beetle and a Rambler - with seats that were missing or broken. Good Lord.

Don't worry! The trial isn't over yet! There's more to come from the computer programming, sadomasochistic Russian mafia. Or something like that. Stay tuned, won't ye?

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Friday, February 22, 2008

One Of These Prisons Is Not Like The Other

As long as I'm mocking other countries and the way that they're run, I'm just going to keep going with it and allow it to spill over into their penal systems. Now, I know you're thinking that a lot of posts recently have already been about penal systems. But really, the Gary Coleman ones and the guys in Sweden were about a different kind of penal system. This time I'm talking about jails. VERY different. But I do see how it could be confusing.

Welcome to Bolivia! Here is their jail/prison, located in the heart of beautiful San Pedro:






As I'm describing how things go over there in Bolivian jail, you might notice a few differences between their system and that of the US. For starters, you'll notice that the US penal system does not have courtyard kiosks like those in the Bolvian jail that are pictured above. Other differences are equally subtle, so you're really going to have to pay attention.

Every prisoner at San Pedro Prison (hereafter known as the SPP) has a job. That's good. Why should they be allowed to sleep all day when the rest of us mostly law-abiding individuals have to get up and work? Fine. It's also good that they have a job because the prisoners at the SPP have to pay rent. Hmmm. Interesting. I'm OK with that, too. However, this is where my acceptance of their penal system stops.

A large number of the prisoners in the SPP have spouses /partners and children living with them. Um, so...wait. What? Now, it's not really sounding like North Korea where three generations can go to prison for the wrongdoings of one. It's sounding more like, "Honey, pack up the kids. We're movin' to prison!" And that doesn't sound all that good either. It really sounds like, "WTF?"

As a way of making sure that prison life isn't lost on those not in it, the prison is open to tourists and backpackers (Again, wtf?). Oh, come on! There are rules for the tourists and backpackers! You don't think it would just be some crazy free for all, do you? They have to have a tour guide with them at all times. Without a tour guide, something like that wouldn't be safe! Geez. Oh, did I mention the tour guide is a prisoner? No? It is. It's a prisoner. Yes. The one who keeps the backpackers safe is a prisoner himself. Because it's only fitting that someone who has been sentenced to prison and is currently IN the prison be in charge of the safety and well being of tourists sporting packs on their backs from outside of the prison.

While I don't know what the "rent" is that they must pay for their cells, I do know that the system is apparently open to many, many different ways to raise funds for said rent. That's why they allow the tourists (packs or not) to stay the night in a cell. For a small fee. Oh, sure, that makes perfect sense. Maybe they were tired after the tour! Maybe there are a lot of stairs at the SPP! Some packers are easily winded and need time to rest! Sure! It makes sense AND it's economically responsible. What could go wrong? Don't answer that.

Speaking of the economic system within the SPP, they also have a sort of trade export thing going on as well. What do they export? From the prison in San Pablo? Why, cocaine. That's right. Cocaine. Exported. As in "coming out from". The prison. That is correct. That's why a lot of the tourists (with or without packs) are there. To buy coke. The word on the street is that it is some of the purest and cheapest coke in all the land! Good quality, good pricing, apparently good advertising (probably word of mouth, maybe some flyers). They are definitely up on their basic economic principles, I'll tell you that. If you've got a product that's good enough to make people want to pack a bag and walk into a prison to buy it, you're doing pretty good for yourself. Oh, but if you're a country where this is not only possible, but actually occurs, yeah, that's not so good.

Where are the police, you ask? Come on! OF course there are police in Bolivia! Did you think it was some sort of anarchist state/country dealio? It's not. There are police. Oh, wait, IN the prison? Hmmm...that's hard to say. They are allowed to go in there, that's been established. But it's recommended that they only do so if they're collecting a bribe. You know, from someone who has saved up all of their pesos from the cocaine exporting business that they run out of their cell with their wife and children by their side.

I know I said pay attention earlier or you were going to miss the subtle differences between how they run their prisons in Bolivia and how they run the prisons in the US. I hope you managed to note a few of the differences. They are fascinating. And frightening.

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Thursday, February 21, 2008

Donuts and Dictators

I find it interesting that PARADE "Magazine" (yes, that insert in the Sunday paper. That's why "magazine" is in quotes.), where I can normally find a recipe for a pineapple upside-down cake, 59 ways to walk myself to a healthy heart, the best places to picnic in the Heartland, and funny pet pictures, decides that once a year it is going to publish "Parade Magazine's Annual List of the World's Worst Dictators". I mean, I'm glad they're branching out and all, but it just seems odd. "Try this pie, you'll love it. But what you won't love is Idi Amin, that bastard dictator of Uganda!" I just don't get it. It'd be like Britney Spears marrying....oh, never mind. That's not odd; that's just Tuesday.


In fact, here's the contents of an email I received to remind me that the dictator list is out (Finally! Quick! Somebody check the pool! Who had Kim Jung Il? Oh, crap! Dan in Accounting...again?!). It consisted of the dictator list, "Win a Trip to NYC", "Your Oscar Survey Results"; "Was Dolly Parton Forced to Postpone Her Tour?"; "Enter Now To Win Tickets to Broadway's A Little Mermaid"; "Food on Parade!" and "Snapshot of the Day" featuring a picture of a very green frog! I just don't get it.

Since we can't run 'em over, let's run through a few of these bastards, shall we? You know, just for kicks.

Isayas AfewerkiRounding out the list at Number 10 is Isayas Afewerki, the dictator of Eritrea (I've never heard of it. They could have made it up. I'm just sayin'.) Apparently, the U.S. has given aid and food the Eritrean. What did we get in return? Well, we got kicked out in 2005. But that didn't stop the US. Oh, no. We still export a lot of our sorghum there. That's right. Our sorghum. We have sorghum coming out of our ears and it's gotta go somewhere. So it goes to Eritrea. Probably by Fed Ex.


Musharaf

Number Eight goes to Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan. Solely based on this picture, I'm fairly convinced he is somehow related to Steve Jobs.

Popping in at Number Six is Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe. Also known (to me) as Robert MugabeDictator Bob. Last year, Zimbabwe had an inflation rate of 8000%. Yes. Eight THOUSAND percent. And the unemployment rate was 80%. Yes. EIGHTY percent. And even with that track record, the guy is still seeking a 6th term. There isn't any opposition yet, but that might be due to the fact that the police arrested and beat 50 opposition leaders last March. Despite all of this, the US imports ferrochromium and nickel (both used to make stainless steel), from Zimbabwe because, despite the beatings, we like things shiny.

Omar Al Bashir Number Two is filled by Omar Al Bashir of Sudan. Sudan is where Darfur is. Darfur is where the killing is. Now, Bashir did have a guy investigate the "human-rights situation" in Darfur (aka, the killing). Turns out though that the guy has been suspected of war crimes. Nice. And while the US doesn't condone the killing and Clinton did issue trade sanctions in 1997, we still import more than 4,000 tons of gum arabic for soft drinks, candy, shoe polish and stamps. Huh. Diverse.

Kim Jong Il


And at Number One, we have Kim Jung the Second Il of North Korea. He's been in power since 1994. His hair was in power long before that. The North Korean citizens have no access to information other than government propaganda, which means they are sadly without this blog and they have no idea Gary Coleman has not boned his wife. (Hmm. Apparently even an oppressive dictatorship has a bright side.) Also, in North Korea, up to three generations of one family can be punished for one family members crime. WHAT?!!? So if Jethro steals something, he, Jed AND Granny are all going up the river?! There's no need for that, is there? Kim?

But did ya catch the trend? Despite the bass-ackwards ways these guys rule their countries and oppress and/or kill those who live in them, the US continues to do business with them for our shiny countertops and our bubbly soft drinks. Is it any wonder that there's a Top Ten list every year? No there isn't. The only wonder is that it's in PARADE "magazine".

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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

It's Still Pretty Good

Who knew I could get so much mileage out of four simple words? "Gary Coleman got married." Even I didn't know. But that's only because I had no clue that those four words would result in seven more words that would give me equal, if not greater, amusement that the first four. And I must share.

I also must quote Fashion of Ireland. No, I don't know why a fashion web site in Ireland is covering the Gary Coleman wedding hijinks in the US. (Actually, just because the name is Fashion of Ireland, I suppose I shouldn't assume it's about fashion. It could be some sort of National Enquirer-esque Irish tabloid publication. And that would make sense as to why, even in Ireland, this would become public fodder. Because in that scenario it could run under a headline about Bigfoot sightings on Mars. Something along the lines of, "1980s TV Midget Weds Giant Albino Amazon in a Clandestine, Fake Mountaintop Ritual." I could see that. I've seen worse.) Oh, right. The seven words. Sorry. Here:

"Gary Coleman Has Never Boned His Wife."

I know I asked this before, but I'm asking again. Does it get any easier than this? Same answer as before: No, it does not.

Apparently, unbeknownst to me (and probably many, many others who were not saving themselves for Gary Coleman), Coleman has been a "self professed virgin" all of his life. I don't know if he thought that would help him in some strange way, but clearly, it did not. And "self-professed" or not, when it comes to virginity, it is what it is. And even if it wasn't self-professed, I'm thinking a whole lot of us could have guessed that it was anyway. Well, if we cared to think about it twice. Which we didn't. (I'm not real thrilled I'm thinking about it right now.)

Allow me to provide some video of the happy, celibate couple. (Oxymoron? Contradictory? Wrong? Yes. Yes. And OMG yes.) It's true! Gary Coleman and new gigantic secret bride on tape! And as you will note, the enthusiasm runeth over. (The sound quality on the 2nd one does not runeth over, unfortunately, and I apologize for that. But like other things that I'll go over later, it's still pretty good.)



Let's review.

According to Coleman, "It'll happen when it'll happen. And it will happen for all the right reasons." Those seem like fine thoughts and fine morals to adhere to (if that's your thing), BEFORE you're married. But after?! That is when you are supposed to be done with that line! That is when you expect to be done with that line! That's part of the reason for the marriage! All the sex! "It'll happen when it'll happen."??? No it won't, apparently! No it won't! And "for all the right reasons"? The sex IS the reason!! Most people don't need many "reasons" to have sex! Most just need a willing partner and even that is negotiable!

I also have a problem with his using the term "romantic relationship" to describe his marriage. Hurling printers toward his bride that he is not having sex with hardly counts as "romance" in my book. It barely constitutes a relationship! And in a lot of cases it warrants a restraining order.

I loved his "marital intercourse defiance" (What were you going to call it?) with his proclamation of, "And no one is going to make it happen any sooner." I halfway expected him to follow that up with, "So, there!" or "La-de-DAH!" Well, considering that you've been married SIX freakin' sexless months so far, Gary, I'd have to agree with you. No one, not even your lawfully wedded WIFE can make you have sex!! You win! If that's "winning" to you.

"Mistakes can be made if you're in too much of a damn hurry." It's not the SAT! It's the S-E-X! Dude, I'm going to let you in on a secret......Mistakes with sex?......Not so bad! Really. Trust me. You know why? Because you're having sex! See, sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's really good. And when it's bad, it's still pretty good!

There's gotta be reason! There has to be. One we just don't know about yet. One that hasn't been made public yet. One that would explain his lack of enthusiasm for sex with someone else. One that....hey. Wait a minute. Did anyone get a good look at the guy that was in the back of that police car for 40 minutes?

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Stone 'em!

Another weird sex-related story out of Sweden (in English). And again, it demonstrates why I just love the European press. And now I ALSO love those who fall victim to sleazebags posing as inquisitive telephone sex researchers! Europeans victims are much more empowered than American victims. You'll see.

Swedish man sought for posing as sex researcher (See?)

A man pretending to be a sex researcher made calls to several women near the northern Swedish city of Sundsvall to inquire about their sexual habits.
The interviews led eight of the women to report the man to police. (It wasn't mentioned exactly what it was that made these eight women finally catch on. I would like to know, though. Because it would had to have been something just ridiculously glaring, considering that the "I'm doing a sex research study. Please tell me about all of your sex." line seemed to not be ridiculously glaring.)

But what do these victims really think about their violator? “Stone the bastard,” said a 22-year old who revealed details about her sexuality during puberty to the fake sex research guy. (Right on! They might not be the sharpest tools in the shed over there in Sweden to have fallen for this in the first place, but they are very direct and articulate about their feelings! "Stone the bastard!" I'm going use that line someday...somewhere. Maybe when someone in front of me is taking too long at the ATM or somethng. "Stone the bastard!" That'd probably speed things up.)

In addition to posing questions about women’s sex lives, the man on several occasions also offered lessons on masturbation. (Ooohh. OK. This must be the ridiculously glaring part I was inquiring about earlier.)

He asked the women to take of their clothes and follow his instructions. (Yeah, dude, too far. Waaayy too far. Shoulda just gone with "How old were you when you first did it?" and left it at that. Too far.)

Police have no leads, as the man made his calls from a protected telephone number. (Given the fact that eight women were willing to talk to this guy at all, I have the feeling he's going to keep calling. Just wait. He's probably thinking, "Number nine is right around the corner. I can feel it." Which is probably how this whole thing started to begin with.)

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The Local - Sweden's News In English

It's entirely possible I might have to move to Europe. Or get a job there. (Or maybe I just pretend I'm Britney Spears and start speaking with an accent.) They have way more fun with their written media than the US does. Way more. And the puns! Ah, yes, the puns! Abundant in Europe, they are. Just running rampantly amok. So, in the spirit thereof, hang on to yourself for this one:

This from The Local - Sweden's News In English. (What a great name. And now for an equally great story title):


Police Get a Grip on Serial Masturbator


I'll admit, I initially had a vision of some wrongdoings that involved Captain Crunch and that Cocoa Puffs bird, but that really wasn't the case at all. The story continues just as it appears below.

Police near the southern Swedish town of Sävsjö answered to a rather unusual call on Wednesday night.

Swedish man sought for posing as sex researcher
Viking women had sexy style
Teacher convicted for flashing breasts


See, now I didn't know if it was multiple choice or what. Decisions, decisions! I felt like I had stumbled into one of those 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books involving serial masturbators, sex researchers, flashing breasts and Vikings. While normally something of that nature is cause for joy, this time it confused me. But it turns out, web pages in English for the Swedish put links that really could be related to what you're reading smack dab in the middle of their stories for no apparent reason whatsoever. (I will, however, admit I was curious about the "Viking women had sexy style" teaser there. Who knew?) But in actuality, the story continues below the teasers.

A woman had notified police after she discovered a man masturbating in a stairwell.Police arrived on the scene to apprehend the naked man, placing him in their patrol car.But the man continued with his manual labour from the cruiser’s back seat.

OK, I think I can speak for everyone when I say, "Do they not have handcuffs in Sweden?" Are they unfamiliar with the "hands on your head" or "hands behind your back" directives? They couldn't have been if he was still doing....that! (But "manual labour". That's funny! Hey, if he was doing it outside of Home Depot, would he be a "day labourer"?)


During the roughly 40 minute drive back to the station in the neighboring town of Nässjö, the man continued to feel his way around, prompting police to check their records for other cases of incessant self-gratification.


There are records for that in Sweden?! "Incessant self-gratification"?? Really? Are you sure? (See? Rhetorical. :) ) That aside, 40 minutes?! The cops let that continue for 40 minutes??! IN their car?! NO way! No WAY. English, Swedish, I don't care, knock it off! (Not literally, please. There's enough wrong here without that.) Me? After about 40 seconds I'm pointing my gun at him and waving a Taser. No WAY do I go 40 minutes with Spanky in the back seat there finishing off what I'm sure was a lovely evening out on the town.


But, wait a minute....Willie McSpanksalot was going at it for 40 minutes there in the cop car. But he was already going at it in the stairwell when Janet or Chrissy found him. And then the cops had to be called. And they had to get there. Were they 40 minutes away before as well? Because if they were, we are talking about well over an hour, close to an hour and a half of....him.....Dude! Stop!! It's clearly broken! Stop it!!


Police soon discovered that the man was known to authorities in the region for holding his own in different churches and other public places.


I love the European press.

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Monday, February 18, 2008

Obama Boy?

Here's a question: Is the guy who almost made the Top 24 on American Idol (Kyle Ensley) the same guy who appears briefly at the beginning of the Obama Girl video? Because I'm here to tell you, they look an awful lot alike.
Kyle:


Kyle Ensley









Obama Boy:

Obama Girl

Now this could be a result of that 'separated at birth' phenomenon that was abundantly present at the Grammys, but this involves politics and American Idol. Together. The two cultures rarely collide. The fact that Kyle is an aspiring politician only serves to thicken the plot. And I really don't know if they're the same guy or not, but I'll try to find out.

And as long as I'm on the subject of Obama Girl (What? I wasn't? I mentioned her name! That counts. It's Obama Girl! Anything counts!), it's only fitting that the Obama Girl video should follow the Kyle and Obama Boy look alike pics. Actually, I think it's fitting (and extremely desireable) for Obama Girl to follow just about anything. Pictures of broccoli, the St. Louis Arch, whatever. Always follow with Amber Lee. What a great rule that would be. (By the way, Obama-Kyle shows up at 0:10 looking just like he does in the still pic above. )



Also, none of this constitutes my support for any candidate anywhere, out there, ever. If I'm supporting anyone at all, it's going to be Obama Girl (Not Obama. Just Obama Girl.) because, well, because she's haw-t! Looking like that, she could be singing "I've Got A Crush on OSAMA" for all I care. I'd still love 'er. (And thanks to the fine folks over yonder at barelypolitical.com for the video and for Amber Lee in general.)

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Stand Back! He's Got Bread!

baguette sword Sussex is a county in England. It is also where a student was arrested for attacking a classmate with a baguette. Yes. A baguette. As in a long, loaf of French bread. That is correct. According to the fine folks over there at theargus.co.uk (Another UK story! You know it'll be good.), "The 15-year-old attacker was quizzed by police after arming himself with the French stick at a secondary school."

OK, quizzed how? And about what? I mean, you're the cop and you're standing there looking at a 15-year old who thinks he's a bad-ass because he's wielding a loaf of bread and you're going to "quiz him"? Me, I'm going to start laughing and possibly send my partner off to get some cheese.

And although this is odd, what I found more strange were some of the 80 other "unusual weapons" that had been seized by cops in Sussex schools over the past two years. Sure, there were the typical items that come to mind when one hears the word "weapon". They did seize some guns, some knives and other sharp and blunt objects; as they should. Yet, they also seized an egg, a tomato, and pillow and a xylophone. Yes, they "seized" the makings of a Cobb salad, that is correct. Fortunately for us, they went on to describe some of the incidents that occured with said non-traditional weaponry.

According to theargus.co.uk, "a 15-year-old was cautioned for common assault using a baguette" (Hmmm...assault with a baked good is considered "common" in the UK. Good to know.) and "One incident involved a 13-year-old armed with a piano stool and a xylophone." (Clearly this event did not take place at The School For The Gifted. How exactly does one "arm" themselves with a piano stool and xylophone? Or why?)

But is this a problem or isn't it? According to one headteacher (Those UK folks always have funky names for everything, don't they?), "I can't remember the last time we had any issue with weapons. There certainly haven't been any with baguettes." Well, I should hope not. Hil-arious.

Another amusing angle to this is that, "It has been recommended that airport style metal detectors could be used at some of the worst problem areas..." Ummm....baguettes aren't metal. No, see, they're...they're actually bread. Soooo....those metal detectors? Yeah...um, highly ineffective at detecting bread.

But just so you know what they're up against, here's a full list of all of the "weapons" seized from Sussex schools in 2007 (and while it IS funny, if the US could have just such a "weaponry in schools" dilemma we'd be a lot better off.): An ice ball, knuckle-dusters (See? Funky names.), mobile phone (This one I get. I've thrown my phone and prayed it would hit someone.), metal bar, pencil, pool ball, drumstick (chicken or percussion, I wonder?), remote control, book, apple (What is it with food weapons in the UK?!) , compass (I'm kind of impressed the school children in Sussex even had a compass.), table (Huh?), pen, three knives or daggers, a steel toe-capped boot, two stones (Mick and Keith?), a bottle, a cigarette lighter, badminton racket (For some reason, I picture this being wildly swung around by Richard Simmons.), a rock and a traffic cone (Again...Huh? How?).

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Sunday, February 17, 2008

WTF Was That, Bob?

There are very few requirements, from what I can tell, for one to become a US Senator. I know there's an age requirement and, well, that's about it, really. Oh, sure, there's an election that you have to win, but that's not so much a requirement as it is part of the Senatorization process. (Senatorization. Yes, that is correct. Yes, I believe it is a word.) Does it strike anyone else as odd that age is a requirement to get into the Senate, but age is not a requirement (or even a factor, apparently) to get out of the Senate?

You know I am talking about Sen. Methuselah Robert Byrd from WV. (Yes. I know. The SOUTH!) I am a little bit worried about the man. He's clearly not well. Why, why, and WHY is he still a US Senator?! Look, I'm not a big fan of the aging process myself. And I understand that it's not always that easy to accept that sometimes, when people age, they lose a step or two. Or three. But Senator Byrd hasn't just lost a step. He's lost both feet! And without any feet I don't think he can even take a step so that he can lose it later! Please see C-SPAN footage below to fully grasp what I'm talking about and the root of my complaint.



Well? See what I mean? Should he BE a Senator? Still??! The man took almost four minutes to attempt to let other members of the Senate (especially the Senator from our 51st state, Timbuktu) know that they should be addressing each other in the third person. Funny, when I think of "Senate" and "US Senator", grammar is not what pops into my head. Shocking, I know!

When I first saw this, I thought he was about to sneeze. Yet, no sneeze ever came. Due to the abscence of said sneeze, I'm fairly convinced he was having a stroke. I'm partially convinced he had more than one. I'm fully convinced that he should not continue to serve in the capacity of US Senator.

The other amazing part is that no one else ever says anything or does anything! Me? I'm over here praying that the man doesn't hit his head too hard on the way down! The Senate? Business as usual. Shuffle some papers. Welcome the Senator from Timbuktu. Whatever.

I will hand it to the announcer guy (Hey, I watch sports more than I do C-SPAN and sports have 'announcers'. I'm just going with what I know.) or whoever lets the Senators know that it's their turn. Senator Byrd gets done and this guy finally breaks the excruciating silence with a very simple and very professional, "...From Ohio." (He reminded me of Mario Lopez after the geographical ramblings of Miss Teen South Carolina with his oh-so-calm and straight faced, "Thank....you, Miss....South.....Carolina?") That is why I am not the Senate announcer/name-caller person. I would not have said, "...From Ohio." No, from me you would have heard, "WTF was that, Bob?!"

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Saturday, February 16, 2008

The South Comes Through AGAIN!

Arkansas. Yep, today's Southern mocking location is in Arkansas and you can thank the fine folks over there at todaysthv.com for turning us onto this one and also for reaffirming that Arkansas is, in fact, in the South. You may thank them and you may also mock them for it.

underwearHere's the headline (I'd like to say it gets better after the headline, but it kind of doesn't):

Underwear on The Face Didn't Fool Anyone

See? Maybe Britney Spears was right? Maybe underwear doesn't do you any good, it obviously "didn't fool anyone" in this instance, so why bother?! (Please know that I am SO just kidding. You should ALWAYS wear underwear. Britney should always wear underwear. Hell, Britney should always wear at least TWO pairs of underwear.)

It's hard to know how to continue after a headline like that. But apparently, Jerry Keene, 40, tried to rob the (I'm not kidding) Hillbilly Market using a pair of underwear to conceal his face. There were witnesses there that, despite the underwear in front of his face, were able to identify him.

The thing is, this guy allegedly showed a gun when robbing the (still not kidding) Hillbilly Market with a pair of underwear concealing his face. So he knew enough to use a gun and yet still went with the underwear-on-the-face-disguise. Hmmm....go figure. That's all I can say. Go figure.

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Friday, February 15, 2008

What a Bad Axe

Some 71 year old in Bad Axe, MI, had to go back to Lansing, MI, where he had bought a lottery ticket that had won $150. Turns out it wasn't $150, but $250,000. Cool.


Yeah, that's great and all, but this isn't about that. It's about the name of the town. Bad Axe. How cool is that?! I'd live there. "Where ya from?" "Bad Axe." Awesome!

And where did the lucky Mr. Donald Ertman purchase the ticket from? Why, from the Bad Axe Party Store & BP Gas Station, of course! Now there's a combo you don't see every day. Party supplies...AND petroleum! All in one convenient location. (It's been a long time since I've felt like throwing a party whenever I was buying gas, I'll tell you that.)

Actually, Mr. Ertman doesn't reside in Bad Axe. No, he's nearby. Over there in Sanilac County's Minden Township in Michigan's Thumb. That's pretty cool, too. Michigan's Thumb.

How come there aren't more cities named with a hybrid of the state and a body part? Tennessee's Elbow! Montana's Kidney! North Dakota's Little Toe! California's Armpit!

Oh. That's why.

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Thursday, February 14, 2008

Enjoy your VD

Happy Valentine's Day.

I only say that because I have finally found what I am calling an acceptable use for what is possibly one of the greatest quotes of all time. (If not the greatest, then definitely one of the funniest.):







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CrackBerry Withdrawal

The folks over there at Research In Motion's had their hands full when their addiction fueling product, BlackBerry, had what was deemed a "critical severity outage" on Monday afternoon. Translation: Bye, bye, Blackberry. That little problem left bazillions of CrackBerry addicts stranded without wireless e-mail access.

RIM notified its clients of the outage in an e-mail.

The e-mail, which was sent to those bazillion people without access to their email, stated, "This is an emergency notification regarding the current BlackBerry Infrastructure outage....the outage affected business clients and "users of the Americas network."

"The Americas network"? I know that there's two (and that it's been like that for quite some time), but it always sounds funny when I hear it like that. The Americas. Plural. More than one America.

The notice gave no estimate on the cause, when service might be restored or how many people could be affected. And of course none of that mattered anyway because no one could read their email as it was.

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Just Tell Me Why

This from the fine folks over yonder at Fox News: The world's fattest man (hey, Guinness's words, not mine!), Manuel Uribe, has dropped 570 pounds. That apparently makes him an unlikely candidate to repeat as "World's Fattest Man" this year.

The most Manuel weighed was 1,257 pounds. It has been reported that he has been bed-ridden for 5 years and that doctors from Mexico, Italy and the US have been helping him lose weight through diet and exercise for the past 2 years. (Hmmm...what kind of exercise? Thighmaster maybe?)

In hopes of keeping his name in the Guinness Book of World Records in some capacity, an editor reportedly told him he will be under consideration for "Lost The Most Weight" in the 2009 edition. (That's nice of them.) Manuel wants to get down to 265. (It's good to have goals.)

Here's where it gets odd for me. " In March, a crane will lift him out of his house and he will be driven around on a flat-bed truck," according to the Fox report. That's it. It ends there.

Drive him around WHERE? For the purpose of what? Fresh air? Parade float? Drive him around WHERE? And WHY? Why March? Why not Saturday? Lift him out how? What about the roof? So, SO many questions! I reallly need to know WHY!!

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

eGads!

With Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, eBay has decided to get it's buyers and sellers in that romantic mood by placing images such as the one below on it's home page.



Apparently, it seems like a good idea at eBay to simply take a picture of a 1970s rocker in full face makeup and black leather, silver studded costume, stamp a little red heart in the corner to imply some sort of love or affection, and you have got yourself a Valentine's Day promotion no other can beat!

Although, I suppose nothin' says lovin' like Gene Simmons tongue.




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Gary Coleman - Nothing Short of Strange

Gary Coleman Does it get any easier than these four words: Gary Coleman got married? Answer: It does not.

Gary Coleman, as we are not allowed to forget, played the diminuitive Arnold on TVs "Diff'rent Strokes" back when it was really funny to have two, black, orphaned brothers adopted by a rich, seemingly older than he was supposed to be, white widower with his own teenage daughter and a zany, elderly housekeeper all living in a penthouse in New York City. Yep, that's the stuff great 80s TV was made out of.

Coleman is now 40. He is also now 4'8", which doesn't seem all THAT short to me. Short, yes. Freakishly short? No. He's got enough stuff going for him in that 'freakish' category. So much, in fact, that his height really becomes a non-issue. You'll see what I mean. Keep reading.

He married a woman named Shannon Price. She is 22 and they were married on August 22, which is also her birthday. (When they get divorced, that will not seem like such a good choice.) This marriage (a first for both, thank God), came after what Coleman claims (and I really have NO reason to doubt him) is his "first time ever romantic relationship", according to People.

They were married on a mountain top (presumably so he'd be as tall as her). Coleman says,"Nobody was around but the minister, preacher, the videographers, the photographer, the helicopter pilot and us. That was all that was there. There was nobody else." That seems like a lot to me. And the helicopter pilot?! That's all. Just us. And the guy flying the helicopter.
Gary Coleman Shannon Price

But look at these photos! OK, this might come as a shock to some people (presumably Gary and Shannon), but those aren't real mountains behind them! No, that appears to be a backdrop of Zion (Southern Utah. Beautiful area. You should really check it out someday.), probably somewhere around The Arches (again, Southern Utah; not the "Golden" ones). If you're acutally on a mountaintop, there's no need for a backdrop in front of which to take your pictures! You're at the backdrop already!


But if they got married on August 22, how come we're just hearing about it now? According to the bride, "I just want my own identity as well because I don't want to be known as Gary Coleman's wife." Trust me, honey. You're going to be known for a couple more things than just that. Mental stability issues come to mind.


Coleman said that he didn't have issues with her age. (I kinda guessed that when I read that he married her.) He said, "I have issues with intelligence ... She's more intelligent than I am and that's what matters to me." There's a great deal of irony in this sentence, but it's so hard to know where to start.


And he also agrees that he doesn't want her to be known as "Gary Coleman's wife" either. (See? Everyone has a problem with it, including him!) "I wouldn’t want you to be known as Gary Coleman’s wife. I hope you do get successful. She’s a great eBay-er. She’s a fabulous eBay-er. I hope she gets famous for that.” Um, where to start? How about with, "I hope you do get successful." Actually, I would never start by pointing out someone's lack of success...yet. And I definitely wouldn't follow it up with the eBay thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that! I'm just sayin'.

What does she sell on eBay, you ask? Why, "Coleman’s memorabilia" of course! Wait? You didn't know that Gary Coleman HAD memorabilia?! Me neither. The "I hope you do get successful" comment is making more sense. After all, he IS Gary Coleman and she is selling HIS "memorabilia". He knows it's hopeless.

Price says that she didn't know who he was when she met him on the set of some movie called "Churchball". (I missed that one.) “He was really sweet and I didn’t know who he was. I didn’t grow up with Diff’rent Strokes. I actually didn’t like watching TV when I was younger.” Ah! The irony of that "intelligence" statement is suddenly clear to me! She's 22. They got married on Aug. 22, her birthday. That would mean she was born in August, 1985, a mere 7 months before 'Diff'rent Strokes' was cancelled. But remember...she's the smart one.

Intelligence is really not the amusing part here. Oh, seems like it is. But there's more! Price has described the current relationship as “off and on.” (Yes, they've been married just short of 6 months now. That is correct.) “We may go a week and not speak to each other, but that’s because you’re thinking and mulling things over,” says Coleman. It takes you a week of marital silence to "think and mull things over"? Was the argument about astrophysics? Nuclear peptides? I'm guessing it wasn't. But I'm having trouble guessing what it was.

She tries to clear this up by saying, "Yeah, I’ve locked myself in a room and stayed there because I’m like, ‘You know what? I don’t even want to fight over this, its ridiculous.” (Oh, something is ridiculous, alright. You stayed there for how long?) She also says that there has been more than one occasion when it's a bit more than just yelling (or mulling or thinking, I'd assume). “He lets his anger conquer him sometimes, I don’t like the violence, I really don’t…He throws things around, and sometimes he throws it in my direction…He’s got to damage something before his anger stops.” Hmmm....I'd like an example of this, wouldn't you?


Here's one! Inside Edition had jumped all over this story (God bless 'em!) and asked him why it was that, on the morning of his interview, he threw a printer. Good question. Answer? Not so good. “I threw the printer because my agent wanted to send me a fax, and it wouldn’t fax, and she (Price) was upset at me over something that I had done. And I just took that printer and said, ‘You know what, you just need to die.’”


Um, Gary? Arnold? Whoever you are? Um, it can't die. It's a printer. Otherwise known as an "inanimate object." And here's another tip: If your wife is upset at you over something you've done, throwing a printer is not going to make that any better. And were you able to get the fax after you threw the printer? I'm guessing not.

Had I known about all of this before, I would have sent her one of my helmets for the soft-headed that she so desperately needs. It would have served a dual purpose. It would have protected her from herself AND from flying computer peripherals that he hurls her way.

Hello, Vegas? Yes, I'd like the bet the unders on the Gary Coleman marriage, please.

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